Frustrations, rollercoasters, and dance improvement

[Twilight_Elena]

The pains of my life, part II. Lots of babbling. You have been warned.
Recently (late September to early October) my partner in crime and in dancing (also one of my very best girl friends) left for the UK to study Chemistry. That left me with the only viable option: keep on dancing by myself, and take private lessons by myself.
So I started private lessons by myself, and something clicked. I was happy dancing along with my friend for all that time, but being alone gave me new liberties I had not thought of or felt before. So at my first lesson my teacher was wowed. Said I had never danced better.
I felt almost... powerful. After some hard words by my teacher (and others, but she did most of it) I had finally put it in my head that I am not crap. Heck, I am actually good! Not comp good or pro good, but good. And I might have some sort of style of my own. Yes indeed. :D (I remember that a co-dancer and friend of mine commented at one lesson that she liked my movement, that it was very cat-like. Suffice to say I was shocked.)
So with that newfound boost of confidence, I went on for the past couple of months. Things had been going pretty cool, till lately I started feeling strange again. I started comparing myself to other people again, saw how they progressed and how quickly, saw what they had that I didn't. Suddenly I didn't feel so powerful anymore. What I had (a little bit of style and some good technique) was not so special. My standards went up again, and yet again I felt my confidence go downhill.
And that's how it goes with my confidence. Fragile as hell, it's on this crazy rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel like I'm worth a dime or two. Some others I feel I'm ****. And sometimes I'm terribly worried that all this talk of being crappy is all just an effort by my subconscious to produce compliments. It's not impossible. I hate the very idea.
Sometimes I think of making a living out of this thing I love so much. There are times it seems not only plausible, but highly possible as well. After all, love is all it takes, isn't it? Love and persistence and loyalty, in a way. Some other times all that talk sounds like bull in my ears. Who am I to teach anyone? I don't know s*** about dancing, I can't even decide whether I'm worth anything or not. I'm unstable in many ways, irritating in others. I'm no person to teach social dancing when I'm neither a social person nor a decent dancer. And I don't know if I'll ever be.
I feel like I'm in this shell. I don't let anyone in, I don't let anything out. Which would make it impossible for me to work on an dancers enviroment, unless I were some sort of superdancer, which I'm not. I don't mix well with other poeple, I can be snappy and irritable.
I don't know what to do with my life. I'm studying Physics because it's so general a topic I can do something with it later on when I decide what I want to do with my life. But it's hard to realise what I want when I've also got dancing on one side. I try to think of my life without it and I can't. It hurts. So this is what I want to do with my life? I can't picture myself doing anything. Perhaps dancing, but that's only sometimes, when my hopes are up.
So I'm disorientated career-wise and can't figure out my own self. My friends had always been supportive on issues I have had, but now they're all gone to different places. I'm stuck with the ones I never really communicated with.
I'm what? Disorientated career-wise, can't figure out my own self, I have no friends (university ate them). A LOT of pent-up frustration is somewhere in me, only I can't feel a thing. Very weird state of shock. I'm waiting for an outburst. It's not coming, but I feel bad energy leaking all around. It's sort of like having an alien in your guts.

So I really don't know why I'm writing and posting all this. To get it out of my system. Because maybe someone will say a wise word and something will go "clickety-epiphany" in my head and all my problems will be solved. Or maybe just because I wanted to.

Twilight Elena

[lynn]

Hmm, i'm not sure what to say..... for me personally, i feel that every time when i reach a new stage in life (ie, starting university, graduating from university, starting a career....etc) it always lead to some level of frustration and new-found anxiety. It's especially bad if things aren't looking so "bright" or the uncertainty level is high. I find that once things get "settled" - the built up frustration/anxiety also dissipates as well - I suppose this is a normal reaction to stress? Hang in there, things will get better, [hugs] :friend:

[jhpark]

This is something my favorite author wrote that I think applies here...

Stephen R Donaldson (http://www.stephenrdonaldson.com/questions_thismonth.php?Year=2005&Month=04&NewWindow=yes&Filter=&all=not-|-good-|-enough-|-mckillip&any=&none=)

[diputs]

A LOT of pent-up frustration is somewhere in me, only I can't feel a thing. Very weird state of shock. I'm waiting for an outburst. It's not coming, but I feel bad energy leaking all around.

I know this feeling all too well.

[lynn]

I know this feeling all too well.

any words of wisdom for a quick 'n easy fix?

[Katarzyna]

This is something my favorite author wrote that I think applies here...

Stephen R Donaldson (http://www.stephenrdonaldson.com/questions_thismonth.php?Year=2005&Month=04&NewWindow=yes&Filter=&all=not-|-good-|-enough-|-mckillip&any=&none=)I like this quote, I can totally relate.. Very true

[alemana]

nothing worth fixing is done quick-n-easy. and anyway, i don't believe this needs to be fixed, any more than the itching caused by a scab forming needs to be 'fixed' (that's how the skin heals) or growing pains need to be 'fixed' (that's how stuff, um, grows.)

my only advice, if you could even call it that is to keep dancing, and observe how your emotional state and your dancing intertwine, or stay separate. the longer you dance, the more you'll start to see connections. then you can use the dancing, if you decide to do so, to "work out" whatever's going on inside.

FWIW, Elena, i have felt the same as you many times.

[diputs]

any words of wisdom for a quick 'n easy fix?

Unfortunately I have not found an easy fix.

Some people remember their pasts, I have blocked mine out.
Some people dream at night, I do not.
Some people cry when they are sad, I do not.
My life has been pretty good, but something is not right.
I spend my life in a daze, knowing what I need to do to get out of it, but unable to come up with the energy to do so.

Tonight I am going to dance. I will take two classes and then go to the practice party. I will have to force myself to go, but I know that I need to.

Some moments I will be really nervous that I will not be able to do a move. Some moments I will be really nervous because I have to partner someone. Some moments I will think that I wil never be able to do this.

But then there is that one moment where everything seems to work. I try to explain it away, but I know what happened. I am lucky if this happens once a night. But it is what keeps me going back.

I can only enter myself through the physical. My mind is too powerful to let me in. I chip away at it slowly, whether it is a bike ride or a work out or dancing.

Now I am rambling.

I can name things that have happened in my life, and most people could only wish they have had the opportunities. Yet, I understand the feeling of the world spinning out of control. I understand not being able to get out of bed.

I am trying to come up with some brilliant wisdom to end this, and I have none.

[lynn]

that sounds so.....sad..... maybe i'm in a sentimental mood lately but it's still...sad....

[diputs]

that sounds so.....sad..... maybe i'm in a sentimental mood lately but it's still...sad....

It is sad if you let it take over.

It is life if you use it to make yourself stronger.

[lynn]

true, but it's only natural to feel sad over well, sad things.....

[diputs]

I forget that part sometimes. Trying to be strong to move forward, but forgetting to deal with the present.

[lynn]

unfortunately, sometimes only time can heal the wound, there are instances where no amount of "dealing" will help.....

[Zaratustra shaking it]

Im kind of in the same situation as yours right now...
Im trying to choose between starting a different career not. In the middle of that are my interests (dancing is one of them).
Sometimes is good to be away from your old friends... Its just a matter of time until you make new ones.
In order to make a decision taking time off is always good, taking a distance from everything puts it on perspective. (at least in my situation has helped me lots).
I would tell you that dont be afraid to make mistakes. Maybe you can try one thing and see how it works, and if its not maybe you can do other thing... It is better to at least make a try and really think about what you want than to finish the university in the thing you dont like.
Anyway, you will know what to do better than me.

[fascination]

it is almost comical that I should advise anyone at this moment...so view this as something that only MIGHT have merit...here are my random thoughts


dance progress is like losing weight...at first...if you are serious, you improve rapidly...then as time goes by and the things you need to learn to improve are more difficult and subtle...you pratice more with less noticalbe pay off....it is then that you can only fight your own inner negative demons which are the enemy

as for being irratble and snappy and not terribly social all the time...well, welcome to the human race and in particular to the world of artists....and even more particularly to the world of passionate artists...if perfect personality were a prerequisite...then lots of dancers who have trouble keeping their personal crap together would be gone too...

a passion is always worth pursuing...an insurance policy is wisdom

finally, try to appreciate that life for no one no matter how actualized is devoid of all boredom and self-doubt and empty times....there is a value to suffering in that it serves a purpose to make us search and wonder and struggle to move...but we can't push the river...we have to flow in it even as we feel lost and it is tumbling us about...when we get still it eventually takes us to another space...

in the meantime, stay connected to others even if they arent your ideal others, isolation is also the enemy...but dont make hasty decisions just b/c you don't like the space you're in...just thoughts...just stuff that works for me but might not work for you

[Spitfire]

Elena,

If I were to dance with you I have a feeling it would be very enjoyable.

For what that's worth. ;)

[Twilight_Elena]

dance progress is like losing weight...at first...if you are serious, you improve rapidly...then as time goes by and the things you need to learn to improve are more difficult and subtle...you pratice more with less noticalbe pay off....it is then that you can only fight your own inner negative demons which are the enemy

I know what you mean. But this doing so much and getting nothing in return is the worst thing ever for my confidence. After all, how could I know that I'm actually doing the right thing, or that I'm progressing at all? I'm almost feeling like I'm going backwards.

as for being irratble and snappy and not terribly social all the time...well, welcome to the human race and in particular to the world of artists....and even more particularly to the world of passionate artists...if perfect personality were a prerequisite...then lots of dancers who have trouble keeping their personal crap together would be gone too...

That sounds so beautiful, yet all around me I see dancers
(teachers) who are, if not anything else, balanced. So they're not exactly sane, many of them. :P But they're balanced. They're confident. They know that at least what they're doing is right. And I'm rarely feeling that I'm doing anything right. So something must be wrong with me. It feels like perfect personality is a prerequisite in becoming a teacher.
And then I see all those other people. They all seem so normal. There are beginners that are frustrated, sure, but newbie frustration is only natural. People at my level all seem to be progressing normally. They do mistakes and don't get frustrated. They're so balanced and... I dunno. Confident, in a way.
Thanks so much for the support, everyone. I can't say it has helped a lot, but it has helped a tiny bit. That's always something, I guess.

Twilight Elena

[fascination]

TE--

you cant see a tree growing...but it is...I hear ya though...sometimes ya think "what am I doing here?" and sometimes you feel that way for months....dont let that feeling win...you have control over that

all people carry their baggage differently...it doesnt mean that they are more stable than you, ...I have a very emotional..teacher...he manages to keep it in check nicely unless he is with someone with whom he feels comfortable....and I wouldnt trade him for all the world...even though there are some days when I'd like to club him over the head....when we are passionate about something we struggle with balance...we are fragile...its the journey...ahem (now says the pot to the kettle)GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK;)

[Purr]

all people carry their baggage differently...it doesnt mean that they are more stable than you, ...I have a very emotional..teacher...he manages to keep it in check nicely unless he is with someone with whom he feels comfortable....and I wouldnt trade him for all the world...even though there are some days when I'd like to club him over the head....when we are passionate about something we struggle with balance...we are fragile...its the journey...ahem (now says the pot to the kettle)GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK;)

Great post, fascination.

[Twilight_Elena]

You're helping me so much, fascination. Thank you for your lovely posts. :)

Twilight Elena

[fascination]

You're helping me so much, fascination. Thank you for your lovely posts. :)

Twilight Elena:kissme: :together:

[alemana]

TE, i think one of the greatest leaps into adulthood for me was realizing that, every time i looked around and thought "those other people are so.... balanced" or "so... normal" or "so... happy" or "so.... talented," someone was looking at *me* thinking that. once i realized i was part of that circle, the obsessive yearning to be "better" faded dramatically.

already people are looking at you in the studio wishing they had what you have. people already look up to you, someone already waits for you to come in the door to brighten up their class. someone already feels let down when you're not there, because they like watching you dance. you know?

[jhpark]

Thoughts like that would mean more to me if it were the *good* dancers who were looking forward to seeing me. :-p

It's funny. There came a point where someone saying, 'You're going to get really good' stopped feeling like a good compliment. I know it's meant as one -- but now my reaction is, So when is that going to happen???

"This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless."

:)

[Twilight_Elena]

already people are looking at you in the studio wishing they had what you have. people already look up to you, someone already waits for you to come in the door to brighten up their class. someone already feels let down when you're not there, because they like watching you dance. you know?

I am really, REALLY not fishing for compliments, but people aren't looking at me that way. Really now. Except for newbies sometimes, that nonchalant "cool, nice one" look or the desperate one the y trhow at everyone above their level. And the people I hang out with, they usually throw in compliments but it's part of the game. We exchange compliments all the time. It's like some sort of mutual confidence support. You know something's wrong when everyone is showering you with praise and you feel you don't deserve it.
(You know what? I think they might be unconsciously teaming up to boost my confidence, because teacher mentioned at some point that all my teachers say I'm good but have a louse self-esteem. So all that praising? Not buying into it.)

Twilight Elena

[alemana]

i would never praise your dancing without seeing you - manufactured compliments are not my thing. i was actually just pointing out the inevitable reality - that there are people you admire, and people who admire YOU. personally, knowing that helped me. it's OK if it doesn't help you, or if you're not ready to let go of the self-doubt you're cultivating.

again, i empathize.

[diputs]

So all that praising? Not buying into it.)


OR maybe you deserve every bit of it, but you are trying to convince yourself differently.

I have issuses at being good at something. I am afraid of being successful. I hate it when people tell me that I am a strong lead. I try to blow it off, and make it not true. But part of me knows that they are right.

[Twilight_Elena]

i would never praise your dancing without seeing you - manufactured compliments are not my thing. i was actually just pointing out the inevitable reality - that there are people you admire, and people who admire YOU. personally, knowing that helped me. it's OK if it doesn't help you, or if you're not ready to let go of the self-doubt you're cultivating.

again, i empathize.

I meant all the praising from everyone else; you, having never seen me dance, can't be praising me anyway.
Your idea of this circle is one I'm trying to wrap my head around. It's sort of new for me. I'm processing.

Twilight Elena