How do you dance with someone else?

[MadamSamba]

Ok. I've got one...at the moment there is a particularly guy who won't let me dance with other men. It's not that he can stop me, but he tends to have "cosy" little conversations with me (which, people have responded to by saying "OH, you and X were obviously having an intimate conversation, so I didn't want to interrupt and ask you to dance").

That's partly my fault, but he keeps asking me for dances, if I dare sit down for a second. So much so, last week I had to book EVERY dance, 34 in all!!! It wasn't a problem because I have a firm policy of dancing every dance I can until I collapse :), but I think rather than running myself ragged, I've got to find a way to let him know that his behaviour is not on and he must give me some space...but how do I do this dipolmatically without hurting him?

[pygmalion]

Oy! The questions you ask! :shock: Is there any possibility he has romantic feelings for you?

[MadamSamba]

Argh :oops: ...yes, he does, as I discovered the other night...but it was more a generic question, Jenn. I find it happens a lot to a lot of people and drives me nuts. Personally, I go there to dance and enjoy it and like to dance with many people from many different levels and styles...how else is a gal to learn, eh?

One guy at a recent salsa event was telling me that he has the same thing happen to him too. He was telling me that it isn't necessarily from people with romantic intentions, but sometimes from people who can't dance and find him pleasant and accommodating so they keep asking him to dance...then there are the REALLY good dancers whom others wish to learn from so they tend to keep asking them for dances repeatedly, whenever they're free...

[Sagitta]

During one of those cosy conversations bringing up the fact that you like dancing so much because of dancing with many different people, each who brings a completely different experience to the dance. Happened to me once really badly and that's what I did.

Also when you're done with a dance with someone else escape to where this guy cannot get you. Talk to someone else in a different area of the room. He approaches you say that you are resting and would like a dance, but perhaps later. After a break, dance with a couple other people, but make sure to go back and ask the guy for a dance. Then engage guy in conversation hinting you like to dance with many people, or make escape to bathroom, then find someone else to talk to in a different area of the room.

It's a weaning process. :lol:

[Sarah]

There are people out there who through social ineptness, or occasionally through medical conditions (Aspergers syndrome and similar high-functioning autistic spectrum disorders) just don't get the subtle polite social hints that you might not like to have your time and company monopolised.
Then there are others who will semi-maliciously take advantage your reluctance to be seen as being rude to monopolise you.

In either case you have the right to go to a dance and not be made to feel uncomfortable or to have to go to extraordinary lengths, such as booking yourself up for 36 dances in advance, to avoid this person.
If subtlty and social convention are not working it's ok to be more direct in your refusal to dance, or in your ending of conversations.
Good manners in this case would be doing so privately and quietly so as to allow the poor bloke to save face.
As I understand it, Aspergers people appreciate directness, while malicious people don't deserve much in the way of politeness.

This is the way I see it anyway.

Cheers
Sarah

[jon]

I've got to find a way to let him know that his behaviour is not on and he must give me some space...but how do I do this dipolmatically without hurting him?

"Excuse me, but I see someone else I'd like to dance with."

Repeat as necessary. You can't control what someone else feels as a result of you making your own choices. Don't let him control you.

I am not sure why it is that otherwise confident, assertive, accomplished women fall prey to this behavior. It happens way too often, though.

[Mich]

In a studio scenario, you're there because you love to dance and want to learn. As such, I think there is an obligation to dance with some of the less experienced, less desirable, or annoying types of dancers because they are comrade students. It's a social contract which helps involve everyone in the activity.

I appreciate the more experienced dancers who have helped me through a step and taken time to practice it several times. And because of that, I ask some of the newer students to dance. It's also important to make newcomers feel at home.

But because you want to practice, you can't stay with the less productive partners too long. There are plenty of subtle ways to communicate this.
I sometimes just say " I need to practice my waltz with so and so" and head off in that direction. If your partner's goal seems to be something other than dancing, a more aggressive responsive is required. Such as for the Leisure Suit Larry or Linda who think a dance studio is just a prettied up singes bar.

What annoys me is the category of men, usually older and very experienced dancers, who arrive and scope out the younger great looking women and dance with them exclusively. When they run out of younger women or get bored with them, they leave. On the show "Sex and the City," these guys were called modelizers. They will happily teach their arm candy the basic steps rather than ask a more experienced older partner to dance. But the guys look great out there with these attractive younger women and Image may be one of their key motivations for dancing.

I'm going to a British Embassy Ball this weekend and am hoping the table of strangers with whom I'm seated understand the social component of dancing and take turns getting each other out on the floor to have a fun time.