Why do committed men dance socially?

[aaah]

I ask the question. Why do men in a committed relationship dance socially?

Initially dancing was an activity to do with my wife but it has at times been a sore point for us as I am much more competitive and into it than she is. With some counseling, we have adopted a love and let live policy. Let the other person pursue some own interests. It works well and makes good sense.

I dance for hobby, exercise, competition, love of music, feeling young and free. However, a new aspect that of dancing with the popular girls has come into the picture big time. Which brings new heavy problems into the equation (cliques, feeling alone alot, physical attraction, finding steady partners, etc. ) New headaches and sleepless nights plus falling in love every so often. God help me but I love women.

For the purpose of pure enjoyment, sometimes the dance works for me and other times it does not. I have to find the best parts of this for me and start to concentrate on them so my dance experience is not such a mixed bag of good and bad. I've thought of finding steady partners so that I am not feeling alone so much sometimes, but this can be tricky if you're married and the ladies are single.

Anyone care to share some thoughts on this subject. Thanks in advance.

[mamboqueen]

Dare I say that if you're married, "falling in love every so often" probably isn't a *good* thing.

If you're able to have a good relationship with your wife, then I shouldn't see any problem if one of you wants to go out and dance socially on occasion. Hopefully you have enough other things that you can enjoy together.

If you're able to social dance without acting on any physical attraction you might have towards another, then I don't really see where the problem is.

[DWise1]

aaah, I was in that situation, but with a slight difference. I was learning and I went into it unable to imagine even wanting to dance with anyone except my wife. We were doing classes and still hadn't felt ready to go out except for a few times, but as she was growing to hate me more and more (for what reason I still do not know, since she refused to ever tell me), she suddenly refused to go to the classes anymore because that was the only chance I still had to hold her. So my Lindy training had advanced to the point where I had to go out dancing in order to further my training. So I did with the hopes and plans that she would eventually work out whatever her problem was and I would not have forgotten everything while waiting for that to happen. And I made many friends along the way and enjoyed the company of many women, but my romantic asperations were reserved for just that one woman. Who later divorced me, again giving no reason.

So love all the women you meet, as friends, and keep that special relationship for that one special lady.

[fascination]

falling in love is generally falling in love with a fantasy rather than a reality...and rest assured, it would eventually mellow...there is alot to be said for putting up with one's emotions rather than acting upon them...and trust me, I do not mean that to sound easy or trite only it is just that simple and just that hard...if you find it too much to bear you had better think very very hard about what you want to keep...and happy dancing, I hope

[fascination]

and welcome to DF

[waltzgirl]

You don't say what kind of dancing you do or how often, in what contexts, etc. But one solution might be to ramp up your training, practicing, and the technical demands you are putting on yourself. I find that, the more I am thinking about my dancing as dancing, the less I think of it as anything else.

Actually, as a married man, you'd make a good partner for a single or married woman. It can be hard to find partners who just want to be dance partners and not get romantic. Just pick someone you're not attracted to as a dance partner and you'll be fine!

[cornutt]

I ask the question. Why do men in a committed relationship dance socially?


"Because I'm married but I ain't dead!" :D

Seriously: I personally think it is important for the socialization and mental sanity of marrieds to continue to interact with members of the opposite sex, so as not to lose track of why we married our spouses in the first place. If one forgets to notice attractive members of the opposite sex, then one will eventually forget to keep doing maintenance on one's own attractiveness. Then one's partner no longer finds one attractive. That, of course, is bad.

The question since time immemorial has always been: how do you do this? I have a personal theory that dancing was invented to be a socaially acceptable means by which members of the opposite sex could interact and express their appreciation of one another, without it leading to romantic complications. The whole deal is: I dance with a pretty woman. At the end of it, I think "hmm, that was nice". Then I move on to the next dance. By the end of the night, I've danced with and appreciated with a lot of women. When I go home, I probably don't remember most of it in any detail. But I do retain the general feeling. And I express it towards my spouse, so to speak. It's kind of like charging a battery. It makes me a better romantic partner.

That's the really neat thing about dancing. It both improves my marriage, and my social life, and it does it in a way that isn't threatening and doesn't lead to temptation or consequences. Not to mention the benefits in terms of physical conditioning, flexibility, aerobic, balance, mental sharpness, etc.

[delamusica]

Good post cornutt. You sound like a great DH! :)

[cornutt]

Good post cornutt. You sound like a great DH! :)

Thank you. I try. I don't always live up to my own standards, but I try.

[aaah]

We were doing classes and still hadn't felt ready to go out except for a few times, but as she was growing to hate me more and more (for what reason I still do not know, since she refused to ever tell me), she suddenly refused to go to the classes anymore because that was the only chance I still had to hold her. ..

So love all the women you meet, as friends, and keep that special relationship for that one special lady.


Sorry to hear about your wife. I may have been heading there myself once.

Luckily, my wife is very supporting and loving towards me in all that I do. Guess we sometimes don't appreciate what we have until we don't have it. If I can't make it with her, I don't think I would ever marry again.

She knows I love the dance and is in favor of it so long as it does not draw us apart. When I question giving up dancing she encourages me to continue.



Thanks.

[aaah]

If one forgets to notice attractive members of the opposite sex, then one will eventually forget to keep doing maintenance on one's own attractiveness. Then one's partner no longer finds one attractive....

That's the really neat thing about dancing. It both improves my marriage, and my social life, and it does it in a way that isn't threatening and doesn't lead to temptation or consequences. Not to mention the benefits in terms of physical conditioning, flexibility, aerobic, balance, mental sharpness, etc.

Hear Hear. I have gotten into lean shape because of dancing. I do basics on about 16 dances concentrating lately on Salsa, lindy, West coast and AT.
I feel positive about myself, bought a black convertible and listen to a wide variety of old and new music.

Recently an attractive young lady I dance with occasionally asked me to be her partner at an event. I did'nt answer her but later told my wife about it.

At the next event, I may talk to her and see if she is willing to accept me as a partner friend despite my married status. We do dance well together and have alot of fun.

[aaah]

falling in love is generally falling in love with a fantasy rather than a reality...and rest assured, it would eventually mellow...

I concur, most " I love this new woman " episodes last a few days or weeks, I just wait them out. One episode did last several months. Luckily or wisely I have not acted on these impulses but keep it platonic. Thanks

[aaah]

You don't say what kind of dancing you do or how often, in what contexts, etc. But one solution might be to ramp up your training, practicing, and the technical demands you are putting on yourself. I find that, the more I am thinking about my dancing as dancing, the less I think of it as anything else.

Actually, as a married man, you'd make a good partner for a single or married woman. It can be hard to find partners who just want to be dance partners and not get romantic. Just pick someone you're not attracted to as a dance partner and you'll be fine!

Dear Waltzgirl,
Thanks for the excellent advise! Concentrating on the training may be exactly the thing to do to reduce the sensuality of dancing.

On unattractive partners, Also good advise .. but I'm still just murried not buried. Pretty is okay if just friends.

[aaah]

I have a personal theory that dancing was invented to be a socaially acceptable means by which members of the opposite sex could interact and express their appreciation of one another, without it leading to romantic complications.

for a married couple it beats swinging (wink)

[PasoDancer]

It's always a guy asking these things, and I"m always on late at night when my serotonin levels are low and I'm pissed about something else. I should know better than to read these posts.

People dance socially because they don't equate dancing with sex ... this makes me not even WANT to dance with anybody else if this is what goes through people's heads.

SO not coming back to this thread. Ugh. I can't believe I clicked on another one.

[kayak]

Just as with the thread from last week, a good rule of thumb would be to think about your wife sitting at a table next to the dance floor. If your flirting and "falling in love" exceeds what you would want her to see, then it is cheating.

[DancePoet]

[SIZE=2]I ask the question. Why do men in a committed relationship dance socially?
Welcome to DF!

And to answer your question, likely for many different reasons.

For some of us it is about making the connection while expressing feelings through dance, and feeling good about doing a healthy activity.

Initially dancing was an activity to do with my wife but it has at times been a sore point for us as I am much more competitive and into it than she is. With some counseling, we have adopted a love and let live policy. Let the other person pursue some own interests. It works well and makes good sense.
Hmmm ... why would you be competive in a social situation? and how do you mean you are more into dancing then she is?

I dance for hobby, exercise, competition, love of music, feeling young and free. However, a new aspect that of dancing with the popular girls has come into the picture big time. Which brings new heavy problems into the equation (cliques, feeling alone alot, physical attraction, finding steady partners, etc. ) New headaches and sleepless nights plus falling in love every so often. God help me but I love women.
Perhaps it is time to focus on the relationship with your wife, and find some focus and balance there?

For the purpose of pure enjoyment, sometimes the dance works for me and other times it does not. I have to find the best parts of this for me and start to concentrate on them so my dance experience is not such a mixed bag of good and bad. I've thought of finding steady partners so that I am not feeling alone so much sometimes, but this can be tricky if you're married and the ladies are single.
Maybe it would be good to work with your wife and form a more perfect union between the two of you first. She might not wish to get into a competive situation with her dancing, yet if the two of you can find a way to continue enjoying dance together, perhaps there will be a way to create an Am/Am partnership, after the relationship with the wife is better then what you describe now. This could take some time, which will require patience, but it could prove best in the long run, rather then acting now. A solid investment in the relationship with your wife could pay all kinds of wonderful rewards in long run as well as the short run.

Oh, when you start looking for a partner some day, don't forget there are women who are married who are looking for dance partners, too.

[DancePoet]

"Because I'm married but I ain't dead!" :D

Seriously: I personally think it is important for the socialization and mental sanity of marrieds to continue to interact with members of the opposite sex, so as not to lose track of why we married our spouses in the first place. If one forgets to notice attractive members of the opposite sex, then one will eventually forget to keep doing maintenance on one's own attractiveness. Then one's partner no longer finds one attractive. That, of course, is bad.

The question since time immemorial has always been: how do you do this? I have a personal theory that dancing was invented to be a socaially acceptable means by which members of the opposite sex could interact and express their appreciation of one another, without it leading to romantic complications. The whole deal is: I dance with a pretty woman. At the end of it, I think "hmm, that was nice". Then I move on to the next dance. By the end of the night, I've danced with and appreciated with a lot of women. When I go home, I probably don't remember most of it in any detail. But I do retain the general feeling. And I express it towards my spouse, so to speak. It's kind of like charging a battery. It makes me a better romantic partner.

That's the really neat thing about dancing. It both improves my marriage, and my social life, and it does it in a way that isn't threatening and doesn't lead to temptation or consequences. Not to mention the benefits in terms of physical conditioning, flexibility, aerobic, balance, mental sharpness, etc.
Good points made here. :cool:

And all that "physical conditioning, flexibility, aerobic, balance, mental sharpness, etc." can help do wonderful things to one's relationship with the SO, too. ;)

[DancePoet]

Recently an attractive young lady I dance with occasionally asked me to be her partner at an event. I didn't answer her but later told my wife about it.

At the next event, I may talk to her and see if she is willing to accept me as a partner friend despite my married status. We do dance well together and have alot of fun.
It is good that you have been open with your wife about the possible partnership, and I encourage you to continue to be this way.

Becareful with the "attraction". It is more important to have a good partnership with common dance goals, and a common methodoligy to achieve the goals, and far less important for you to be attracted to her.

[revolution]

aaah, I was in that situation, but with a slight difference. I was learning and I went into it unable to imagine even wanting to dance with anyone except my wife. We were doing classes and still hadn't felt ready to go out except for a few times, but as she was growing to hate me more and more (for what reason I still do not know, since she refused to ever tell me), she suddenly refused to go to the classes anymore because that was the only chance I still had to hold her. So my Lindy training had advanced to the point where I had to go out dancing in order to further my training. So I did with the hopes and plans that she would eventually work out whatever her problem was and I would not have forgotten everything while waiting for that to happen. And I made many friends along the way and enjoyed the company of many women, but my romantic asperations were reserved for just that one woman. Who later divorced me, again giving no reason.

So love all the women you meet, as friends, and keep that special relationship for that one special lady.

Really sad to hear that DWise1, sounds like you x-wife got jealous and maybe even suspicious.

[revolution]

I have a personal theory that dancing was invented to be a socaially acceptable means by which members of the opposite sex could interact and express their appreciation of one another, without it leading to romantic complications. The whole deal is: I dance with a pretty woman. At the end of it, I think "hmm, that was nice". Then I move on to the next dance. By the end of the night, I've danced with and appreciated with a lot of women. When I go home, I probably don't remember most of it in any detail. But I do retain the general feeling. And I express it towards my spouse, so to speak. It's kind of like charging a battery. It makes me a better romantic partner.

Hi cornutt, hopefully you are sill around on these forum, as I am reviving some old threads. :) But what do you think of when you have no spouse to express those emotions you charged up during the dance. I am trying to figure out if I am able to handle this passionate dance being a single young man.

[cornutt]

Hi cornutt, hopefully you are sill around on these forum, as I am reviving some old threads. :) But what do you think of when you have no spouse to express those emotions you charged up during the dance. I am trying to figure out if I am able to handle this passionate dance being a single young man.

Yes, I'm still here, thanks. Well, hmm... there are two situations in which I go out dancing without my DW. The first is that, now and then, there's a Friday night where I feel like going to the studio and she doesn't, so I go stag. When I do this, I'm going to be coming home right back to her afterwards. The second one, is when I'm traveling for business and I go out to visit a studio in whatever city I'm in. I have a very high-stress job, and going out dancing when I'm on the road is often an exercise in just trying to get back to feeling human again. I go to the studio, I dance with pretty women, and it reminds me for a couple of hours that I'm not just a computer on legs. Then I go back to the hotel and collapse, and 8-9 hours later, I'm headed back into the maelstrom again.

So neither of these situations is really equivalent to yours. Plus, I'm older than you, and when you get to be my age, things are not so urgent, so to speak. But I remember being single, and how exhiliarating but also frustrating that can be sometimes. So here's what I'd say:

Dance with as many women as you can, of all ages, shapes, and sizes. Don't just dance with a few hot gals. Ask women who are older and (if there are any there) younger than you. Ask married women. Get to know them a bit in a context that isn't strictly romantic. Doing so will give you a better appreciation of women in general, and also help you get a bit more control over your emotions. I know it was a tremendously liberating feeling for me when I got to the point when I could look at a woman and appreciate her, and her attractiveness, without thinking of every single woman I met as a potential romantic partner. I use this analogy: you can go to an art museum, and look at a great piece of art and appreciate it, without wanting to steal it. ;)

[revolution]

Hi cornutt, nice to hear some good advice on the topic. I do dance with all women, but I am starting to develop a bias on partners. And that bias is whether then woman is fun to dance with i.e. good dancer of equal skill. I do also dance with beginners but it can be frustrating, when they do not follow, and I am not exactly sure how to instruct them without hurting their feelings.

Accompany amazing looks with a great dancer and my emotions start t rattle, my body starts buzzing with charged sexual energy when I embrace a sexy woman. I do realize now that all this is litteraly set in my mind even before the embrace takes place. My mind amlifies everything 10x, hence the energy and the almost reckless passion. Which byw does make some interesing tango dances :). Nice to know someone out there understands and probably has gone through similar things :). Thanks for this piece of advice, looking back from fragments of my own experience I can see hwo this works. Just really helps to get things in perspective. thanks

"Get to know them a bit in a context that isn't strictly romantic. Doing so will give you a better appreciation of women in general, and also help you get a bit more control over your emotions."

[Gorme]

Accompany amazing looks with a great dancer and my emotions start to rattle, my body starts buzzing with charged sexual energy when I embrace a sexy woman. I do realize now that all this is literally set in my mind even before the embrace takes place. My mind amplifies everything 10x, hence the energy and the almost reckless passion.

I have to agree with this. It has taken me a while before I can look and engage with attractive women without feeling self-conscience. However, if these attractive women can also dance, I go through the reactions described above and I become self-conscience again.

[waltzguy]

Boy, I think this is such a common issue. I think it would be useful to have spouse attend some dance events sometimes. And happily introduce your spouse to everyone. I think this might have been brought up in another thread.

[Warren J. Dew]

There seems to be an assumption on this thread that when married men dance socially, they do so without their wives, even if their wives do also dance. Why? I prefer going with my wife, and neither of us minds if the other dances with third parties.

Seriously: I personally think it is important for the socialization and mental sanity of marrieds to continue to interact with members of the opposite sex, so as not to lose track of why we married our spouses in the first place.

True, though I don't have to interact with members of the opposite sex other than my spouse for that. Or did you mean to provide a contrast to remind us why we chose our own spouses and not someone else?

[elisedance]

Dance with as many women as you can, of all ages, shapes, and sizes. Don't just dance with a few hot gals. Ask women who are older and (if there are any there) younger than you. Ask married women. Get to know them a bit in a context that isn't strictly romantic. ..... I use this analogy: you can go to an art museum, and look at a great piece of art and appreciate it, without wanting to steal it. ;)

And if you follow this advice you will also be the toast of every woman in the studio. Period.

[and if you see me DO ask for a dance, I would fall in the older catagory 8)

[lemonade]

Yes please ask everyone. All of us girls observe how the men interact with girls (whether it looks like we are paying attention or not) and part of the attraction of ballroom is it brings out the chivalry and romance in everyone in a sort of old-fashioned way. A guy who can dance with everyone and be kind to everyone will be the guy who gets phone calls when he does not show up to a function or gets chided at the next event for not showing up. A guy who who is only nice to certain girls and does not dance with others will eventually be thought of as creepy. Ex: I saw a man refuse a dance with an elderly woman once and he also kept asking me to dance. I did not like that and totally avoided this man. He may have had a good reason to refuse her but to me it was a chivalry/manners breach that I could not get past. This was a few years ago and I do not even do the social dancing thing now. Btw, girls should also politely dance with whoever asks, as long as he has not weirded them out on a prior occasion.

[cornutt]

True, though I don't have to interact with members of the opposite sex other than my spouse for that. Or did you mean to provide a contrast to remind us why we chose our own spouses and not someone else?

Yes, exactly.

[nucat78]

Dare I say that if you're married, "falling in love every so often" probably isn't a *good* thing.

If you're able to have a good relationship with your wife, then I shouldn't see any problem if one of you wants to go out and dance socially on occasion.

If you're able to social dance without acting on any physical attraction you might have towards another, then I don't really see where the problem is.

I'm with MQ. I propose to you that your falling in love is merely falling in "crush". Odds are you know little about the objects of affection and/or they would make really bad matches. I mean I was in love last night with a 20-something Hispanic babe in a tiny black cocktail dress. I'm a 52 year old Anglo grandfather for Pete's sake.

I confess there are two married ladies who are regulars at my studio that get my heart pounding whenever I dance with them. I'm single but I'm not going anywhere near acting on anything like that though.

[elisedance]

I confess there are two married ladies who are regulars at my studio that get my heart pounding whenever I dance with them. I'm single but I'm not going anywhere near acting on anything like that though.

Hey, let a little :bouncy::banana: into your heart... maybe you're missing out?
:)

[DWise1]

Not completely sure whether this fits in, but during the secondary hell of divorce (I'll spare you all the primary hell that preceeded it) I realized that the evil things that my then-x2b was doing would forever turn me against women, to hate women. So I consciously made this decision: to love every other woman I meet.

Now, that didn't mean to seek sexual congress with them. Nor to seek romantic entanglements (hey, I have mirrors and I know how to use them, so I have no reason to hold any unrealistic expectations). Rather, it meant to think well of them and to wish them the best. And to enjoy their company, as friends. Most of my friends have always been women and I have always prefered the company of women, but that has never involved wanting to possess any of them (obviously, since half of my nearly 60 years had been spent in a purely monogomous relationship, and for better or worse that kind of attitude has persisted into my forced singlehood).

And maybe that's the perspective that's needed, which is why I think I should offer it. Yes, there are women in some dances (particularly in WCS) who are really great followers and with whom I can freely improvise. And, yes, I love each and every one of them and when they return to their husbands or boyfriends, I honestly and truly feel happy for them to have that relationship.

IOW, what we share with them is the dance itself. Yes, we can love them all, but not in any possessional, intimate-relationship way. The core of our relationship is the dance itself and we should not assume any right nor need to carry it any further than that.

That has been the entirety of my social life for the past 5-6 years. An actual intimate relationship may stem from that, but is still independent of dance. Old-fashioned that I am, I feel that that one special relationship is with one person, but at the same time we also have relationships with every single person we meet every day, no matter how briefly. Whatever our other relationships may be, that one special relationship is still with that one person (for the time being; my divorce forced onto me the temporaneous nature of relationships and their non-permanence) and is still special.

So for those (Arnie?) who might possibly mix dance relationships with special relationships, I can only counsel to pay attention to your special relationships.

[QPO]

My partner started dancing for me...but loves it just as much as I do....its about Ying and Yang...:-)

[timsummers28]

reading this topic of discussion made me remember the movie "Shall We Dance". well dance in general is an expression oneself and sometimes we get carried away with it... especially when a dance is very sensual and romantic.... anyhow, it does not permit us to take advantage of the situation... we have to control ourselves...

but at the end of the day... we, men who can dance, are really a big turn on to a lot of women... don't you agree guys?

[fascination]

not when a man knows it and acts like he knows it or says it...only when is creeps up on a woman...at least in my case

[Mostly Ballroom]

but at the end of the day... we, men who can dance, are really a big turn on to a lot of women... don't you agree guys?Yes but it doesn't do you any good to think this way ^^^^.

...dance in general is an expression oneself
Do it this way ^^^^ instead,...


...anyhow, it does not permit us to take advantage of the situation... we have to control ourselves...
And this ^^^^will take care of itself. :cheers:

[elisedance]

not when a man knows it and acts like he knows it or says it...only when is creeps up on a woman...at least in my case

well said F. and hence the real meaning of the word 'mystery' in relationships

[elisedance]

ask me to dance sincerely, focus on me and treat me with care on the dance floor and return me to my seat. Oh, and know some dance steps. Thats the sexiest man out there.

Attraction is not about outrageous skills, fun as it is to turn on the afterburners (when you've done the time to be able to) that is just a factor.

Oh, except foxtrot that is. If you are a champion foxtrotter, thats the other way to make me putty in your hands ;)

[cornutt]

Oh, except foxtrot that is. If you are a champion foxtrotter, thats the other way to make me putty in your hands ;)


Excuse me, I need to go practice foxtrot now. :cool:

[elisedance]

:kissme:, you foxtrot fool you....