Getting over shyness on the dance floor

[danceguy]

I have a question for everyone about getting over shyness at dances, mainly geared towards the leads who may have been shy at one time and got over it through dance. But I will greatly welcome advice from the ladies on this as well.

I've come to the realization that I'm still very reserved at dances...I sit out a lot and in my earlier days the women did all the asking to get me on the floor. Now that I'm a bit more experienced I'm asking a few ladies...but even then I still tend to be a benchwarmer...even when a dance comes on that I enjoy and do well.

Anyway, I went out to one of my usual dance spots tonight and it was simply packed...more people there then I'd ever seen before. I had to push myself to go as I'm fighting a cold and still recovering from a slight head injury, but I really wanted to get out tonight and get my dance fix. As I'm getting my shoes on I spot a lady I had met in one of my classes several months ago...and I had always thought she was a blast to dance with, not to mention sweet and very attractive. I got to dance with her a bit during the lesson, and I caught her looking my way several times...well maybe it was my imagination but a guy can hope anyway. 8)

So, I promised myself I'd ask her to dance at least once during the evening, and as I thought back this was the first time I'd seen her at a dance. After the lesson was over I very casually meandered over to the side of the floor she was sitting at...and just as I'm about to ask her to dance...another student from my class runs up to me and asks me to do a Swing. I did the polite thing and she was someone I enjoy dancing with and I rarely say no to a dance invitation...and I figured could ask that other gal next time....no problem!

Basically, for the next hour I sat there right near this lady I really admired saying "I should go ask her to dance now...wait...maybe in a minute I will." And everytime I'd muster the courage, someone else would run up and ask her to dance...and of course when I finally was set to approach her like a man and get it over with...she left with her friends and I sat there thinking...I missed my chance...my god I'm a moron! :oops:

I do realize this was an off day for me and I wasn't feeling my best...but I really do need to get over this shyness thing. I certainly want to broaden my horizons and check out other venues where there are more ladies available to dance with...but for now I was already rapidly approaching a burn out phase with dancing...and this certainly didn't help matters any.

Any advice would be appreciated...

Best,

SG

[Sagitta]

I don't think to much about it!! Asking that is. I just go up and ask. I used to find that if I thought about it too much I would be still sitting and thinking about asking the person, which wasn't much use to me. :) I believe that I am one of the few people who asks everyone, even clique members, as a result.

[Adeline]

I agree with Sagitta; don't think too much about it... Actually I think the more you think about it the more nervous (?) you become and the more you won't do it... It's like a few days ago I wanted to go on this roller coaster but I kept thinking about how high and scary it was and in the end I freaked myself out and chickened out... :oops: :lol: So anyway just think that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain... er hope that helped...

[pygmalion]

Hi scorpionguy! Long time no hear from. I hope everything's okay. :? :)

Hmm. Not sure what to say about shyness, since I'm not. But I can share what I did to overcome passivity, back many moons ago when I was doing assertiveness training. I would plan specific scenarios in advance, practice, then FORCE myself to do things the assertive way. And eventually, it got easier.

So, in your case, in advance, decide what you want to do. For example, ask Susan to dance. Decide what you're going to say, how you're going to handle the situation, and mentally rehearse. Then when you get there, FORCE yourself not to back out. Eventually, it will get easier.

[vey]

Hi Scorpionguy,
I think you're a courageous person to admit your shyness publicly, I'm still too shy to tell my dancing stories/ mishaps at the DF :cry:
I don't know whether it 'll help but I've spoken to several fellow followers and many of them (even great dancers !!!) have to struggle with shyness and have worries of not being asked to dance or not asked as often as they would like....
I've noticed that my shyness started turning me into a "wallflower"- may be because I avoid eye contact with guys I don't know (unless I'm dancing), so only guys who know me from classes tend to ask me. And beacuse I'm not yet a good dancer I don't feel like asking good leaders, what if they hate being stuck with me - a beginner!?

What I'm trying to say, SG, is that unless the lady/ladies you want to ask to dance have been dancing for years and are very confident, there's a good chance that they also deal with different degrees of shyness (even if it's not noticeable). Do you think if you keep that in mind, it will make them more approachable for you? :wink:


I do realize this was an off day for me and I wasn't feeling my best...but I really do need to get over this shyness thing.

I've heard from several people and experienced it myself - sometimes it's just not a good dancing day, the wrong energy is in the air or smth, I just try to recognize it as such and wait for the next chance :)

[danceguy]

Thank you for the advice everyone. I'm getting over the shyness thing little by little...thinking back to how I was when I first started...even in class during the practice time I was so afraid to ask the ladies to dance! Eventually I got over that, even when the girls were shy and stood staring out the window...I'd ask them right away since I just wanted to practice. 8)

Pygmalion - Your words ring true...that is exactly what I was set to do with this lady last night. I was literally opening my mouth to ask her when another lady ran up to me...and after a few dances with her everytime I got up to ask the gal I really wanted to dance with...her friends would start dancing with her...or one of the advanced leads would beat me to it. There was a lesson learned for sure.

Part of the issue (and I'm curious to hear others thoughts about this) is the particular event that I go to. Great folks there...but there are a lot of advanced couples who dance most together...then there a lot of very advanced leads that I call "the wolf pack." Any lady who is sitting alone (especially if she's young and cute) will be sought after by them in an instant. They are all nice guys who just enjoy dancing...but they are quite aggressive about it. By contrast, there aren't many advanced follows who are there to dance with the newer leads like myself...just about all of the experienced followers dance with their friends and the other people at their level. Everytime a good song came on last night...I'd get up and look for someone to ask...and believe me the options were few and in a matter of seconds there would be no one left. :oops:

So the lesson learned for me is that while I enjoy this one particular venue...in a way its also holding me back. My plan is to make a list of every other dance spot in my area (and ones beyond eventually) and start checking them out and see what I find. There's got to be other dances with more ladies available to dance with...and it would be nice to make friends with other dancers...as of yet Dance Forums is my only outlet for my dancing frustrations! :shock:

So I'm very thankful for that. :)

Best,

SG

[MNswing]

I used to be shy too! (and a part of me always will be I think). There are a lot of intimidating people on the dance floor sometimes. I have a friend from CA that dances a lot in San Diego/LA and there was a famous actress there... No one asked her to dance because she was so well known and they were all intimidated by her. My friend was basically dared to ask her to dance and he said, "What's the big deal?? She's a PERSON." I mean, how great of an attitude would that be? We all started as beginners and we're all constant learners. A person, although they may seem intimidating, is still just a person. And if they say no after putting yourself out there, it is probably for the better anyway... no one wants to dance with "change-phobics" or snobby people that think they're too good for you. Just say, "Alright! But you have no clue what you're missing out on" :lol: ok, don't say that... but you can think it :wink:

[Sagitta]

"What's the big deal?? She's a PERSON." I mean, how great of an attitude would that be?

I wonder if the intimidation is because she was a well known actress or because if she was an advanced dancer? Either way I totally agree. That's why I have so much fun!! :)

[MNswing]

It was because she is so beautiful and well-known... she actually didn't dance a whole lot that night for unknown reasons, but her boyfriend was dancing. Anyway, she had all her bodyguards around her too, so if that's not intimidation, i don't know what is! They were watching my friend like a hawk! :shock: eek! :shock:

[youngsta]

I have a friend from CA that dances a lot in San Diego/LA and there was a famous actress there... No one asked her to dance because she was so well known and they were all intimidated by her. My friend was basically dared to ask her to dance and he said, "What's the big deal?? She's a PERSON." I mean, how great of an attitude would that be? We all started as beginners and we're all constant learners. A person, although they may seem intimidating, is still just a person.
I don't know what dance scene you're talking about, but if it was a salsa spot it may have been because they assumed she can't dance! At any serious salsa spot I have been to you have to prove your skills (no matter how good you look) before you'll get a steady flow of requests from dancers. Other than that possibility, she would have been hounded every moment by many of the men there...no matter how much security! :lol:

As far as the shyness goes SG, there really aren't any tips to give. You HAVE to just go ask. If it's someone you really enjoy dancing with and she's popular at that spot you've literally gotta position yourself to be the first one to ask her as she is exiting the floor.

[danceguy]

As far as the shyness goes SG, there really aren't any tips to give. You HAVE to just go ask. If it's someone you really enjoy dancing with and she's popular at that spot you've literally gotta position yourself to be the first one to ask her as she is exiting the floor.

You've hit the nail on the head Youngsta...I learned a good lesson the other night that I have to be more assertive about asking ladies to dance! One of the main reasons I took up dancing was to become more social to others and to deal with my shyness. Its getting easier but I've a long way to go...but I'll keep at it until hopefully one day my days of being shy will be a thing of the past. :)

Best,

SG

[youngsta]

Sounds like you're well on your way to non-wallflower status! :wink:

[MNswing]

YAY to the non-wallflower status!!! :D

[danceguy]

Thank you for the kudos! I'm just heading out the door to my first ever Salsa workshop...followed by a live band and dance afterwards. My stars I'm nervous as heck...but there's only one way to cure the wallflower blues...so I'm diving in feet first! :P

Well, left foot first that is. Heh. :)

SG

[salsachinita]

Part of the issue (and I'm curious to hear others thoughts about this) is the particular event that I go to. Great folks there...but there are a lot of advanced couples who dance most together...then there a lot of very advanced leads that I call "the wolf pack." Any lady who is sitting alone (especially if she's young and cute) will be sought after by them in an instant. They are all nice guys who just enjoy dancing...but they are quite aggressive about it. By contrast, there aren't many advanced follows who are there to dance with the newer leads like myself...just about all of the experienced followers dance with their friends and the other people at their level. Everytime a good song came on last night...I'd get up and look for someone to ask...and believe me the options were few and in a matter of seconds there would be no one left. :oops:

:lol: You should really come pay us a visit down here! We NEED more leads! So many girls end up sitting out great songs because all the good leads are taken. We girls have to learn to do the asking or miss out!

(and I have an equivelent to your 'Wolf Pack'.....we got 'Tiburon (shark)Boys' down here :wink: )

Checking out new venues is an excellent idea....especially when options are readily available to all you lucky ppl living in the States!

[danceguy]

You should really come pay us a visit down here! We NEED more leads! So many girls end up sitting out great songs because all the good leads are taken. We girls have to learn to do the asking or miss out!

Well, I'm a not a very experienced Salsa dancer, just a bumbling beginner - so I don't think I'm that great of a leader. But your area sure does sound like the opposite of how things are here! The place I was at today though - the ladies outnumbered us guys almost 3 to 1! Might have just been a fluke though. :roll:

I do have a friend in Melbourne that I have always wanted to visit...mabye someday if I ever find the extra $$$. Perhaps a DF International event? Ah, fun to think about but probably not very likely. :(

Best,

SG

[youngsta]

:lol: You should really come pay us a visit down here! We NEED more leads! So many girls end up sitting out great songs because all the good leads are taken. We girls have to learn to do the asking or miss out!!
Hmmmm...plan a trip down under....Hmmmm

[danceguy]

Youngsta: Don't forget the coffee beans. :)

P.S. Also work on your tolerance for Vegemite....

[borikensalsero]

Most of us have been shy one way or another, in time our skills will be so where the shyness won't be one of dancing with someone but rather the liking of someone and asking for a dance because there is an attraction.

When a person becomes fairly skilled the intimidation factor of asking someone to dance will drastically lessen. So, in a few months you won't be all that shy to ask someone to dance. On the other hand, when you are attracted to someone and wish to dance with her/him, skill will have not much to do with the fear you might get.

Now, you really have to figure-out which is which and deal accordingly. If you are just starting out, then know that we all had to crawl at one point before we stood up. If the fear is from liking the person and wanting to dance because of it, then you have just piled on more needless fear to the issue... If you don't want to ask then make sure she catches your look a couple of times, then smile and ask her for a dance from the distance. If she smiles you are in, if she looks away, it saved you the agony you have created in your mind of liking her and having to ask up close for a dance. If she is accepts you'll see a very big sign of acceptance usually in the form of a walk over to you, a huge smile, a one second gesture, so on...

Not the bestest way to ask, but way easier for an ego to handle the possible rejection. THE MIND.... how it turns even the most bestest dancers into an "8" in front of that someone

[salsachinita]

When a person becomes fairly skilled the intimidation factor of asking someone to dance will drastically lessen. So, in a few months you won't be all that shy to ask someone to dance. On the other hand, when you are attracted to someone and wish to dance with her/him, skill will have not much to do with the fear you might get.

How true! Especially when that someone's opinion matters to us....!

[dancergal]

SG, Please come to our dance studios!!! There are always too many ladies where we go. I sit out many dances because everyone grabs a partner a soon as once song is over, and there are some guys that will only dance with their groupies friends, so that doesn't leave many to ask. Girls can't be sitting down. They have to get out there and nab someone. It's so not me........ I am trying to be more assertive and try to ask more guys to dance, but sometimes it's just really hard.

[salsachinita]

Girls can't be sitting down. They have to get out there and nab someone.

:roll: Tell me about it, Dancergal! I've become so thick-skinned over the years by actively seeking guys to dance with (in every city I've ever visited in the world), rejections really don't bother me any more :wink: !

I don't care, just wanna dance!

[danceguy]

Most of us have been shy one way or another, in time our skills will be so where the shyness won't be one of dancing with someone but rather the liking of someone and asking for a dance because there is an attraction.

Boriken,

Thank you for the kind words...I am always amazed by the depth and soul that you present in your posts. Have you ever considered a career in writing? :)

Yes yes yes, that is exactly what happened to me. I had no problem asking ladies I'd never met before to dance...but the one lady who I felt attracted to that kept looking my way...I just froze when I got near her. :oops:

If you don't want to ask then make sure she catches your look a couple of times, then smile and ask her for a dance from the distance. If she smiles you are in, if she looks away, it saved you the agony you have created in your mind of liking her and having to ask up close for a dance. If she is accepts you'll see a very big sign of acceptance usually in the form of a walk over to you, a huge smile, a one second gesture, so on...

This is such great advice! I'll put it to good use as I venture more into the local dance scene where I live...I can't get those Salsa songs out of my head...I think the only cure is go out again tomorrow night! :)

Muchas Gracias,

SG

[danceguy]

SG, Please come to our dance studios!!! There are always too many ladies where we go. I sit out many dances because everyone grabs a partner a soon as once song is over, and there are some guys that will only dance with their groupies friends, so that doesn't leave many to ask. Girls can't be sitting down. They have to get out there and nab someone. It's so not me........ I am trying to be more assertive and try to ask more guys to dance, but sometimes it's just really hard.

Where are your studios located dancergal? It says Santa Cruz by your name...that's only about 3 hours from me (I live in Sonoma County). I will have to make a trip out there sometime...and let me know if you ever come up this way...some of the locals around here could use some out of town competition. :)

What styles of dance do you have at your dances? Please tell me more. :)

Sincerely,

SG

[borikensalsero]

Boriken,

Thank you for the kind words...I am always amazed by the depth and soul that you present in your posts. Have you ever considered a career in writing? :)

Yes yes yes, that is exactly what happened to me. I had no problem asking ladies I'd never met before to dance...but the one lady who I felt attracted to that kept looking my way...I just froze when I got near her. :oops:

This is such great advice! I'll put it to good use as I venture more into the local dance scene where I live...I can't get those Salsa songs out of my head...I think the only cure is go out again tomorrow night! :)

Muchas Gracias,

SG

Thank you so much SG. I have been keeping a journal of salsa related writtings I've done which I'm putting together as a short essays book to eventually publish. I appologize to the non-salsa dancers but my knowledge is only of salsa, I hope that my writtings don't make them feel left out. I aslo write what might be considered romantic/clean erotica :shock: Which I too want to have published. Hopefully one day...

Isn't it amazing how out of wack we become when someone we like is around? I've used the, from a distance "care to dance?". Hope it brings you the dance you seek. :D :D

[KevinL]

Scorpionguy,
I'll agree with what several other posters have listed. Don't think about it so much, just do it! (Having said that, the assertive plan-in-advance advice is also good.)

In my experience, the worst thing I can do in an evening is to sit down. When I sit down I watch all the really impressive dancers, and I get intimidated. Then I don't have the nerve to ask someone to dance so I watch the advanced dacers more and get even more intimidated!

Instead, stand near the dance floor, and ask someone to dance as they are coming off the floor. If you can manage it, position yourself so that the person you really want to dance with will come of the floor near you. Or, ask someone else to dance!

Regarding the "wolf pack" or the "tiburon pack", eventually you will be a part of that group (in all the good ways, but none of the bad). Those guys are experienced dancers and so know how important it is to dance with beginners. Also, because they are experienced they have overcome their shyness, and are willing and able to ask anyone to dance. In my opinion that is what makes them advanced dancers, that they can dance with anyone and make them feel good about thier dancing.

Kevin

[salsachinita]

In my opinion that is what makes them advanced dancers, that they can dance with anyone and make them feel good about thier dancing.

Wow, Kevin, this is EXACTLY how I would love them (the leaders) to be! At the same time, I'm doing my best to make all the leaders look and feel good about dancing with me!

Sadly some of these 'advanced' guys (in the 'wolf' or 'tiburon' genre) are only interested in girls that make them LOOK great.......the rest of the followers generally get ignored, or get lead into fancy stuff they can't cope with (thus looking incompetent) :( :roll: ....!

*I used to be really put off by this, but now I either ignore them back, or work on myself so I can follow them! Can't beat them, join them :roll: *

[Sagitta]

In my opinion that is what makes them advanced dancers, that they can dance with anyone and make them feel good about thier dancing.

Wow, Kevin, this is EXACTLY how I would love them (the leaders) to be!


Agree on this too. :)

the rest of the followers generally get ignored, or get lead into fancy stuff they can't cope with (thus looking incompetent) :( :roll: ....!

Those sort of leaders should be permanently banned from the clubs!! Ignoring is one thing, and after all it's your right to decide whom you want to dance with!! However, making your partner look incompetent is inexcusable!!! :evil:

[Marvellous]

When a person becomes fairly skilled the intimidation factor of asking someone to dance will drastically lessen. So, in a few months you won't be all that shy to ask someone to dance. On the other hand, when you are attracted to someone and wish to dance with her/him, skill will have not much to do with the fear you might get.

How true! Especially when that someone's opinion matters to us....!

Salsachinita, I had a thread on this topic a while back, but I still have a general problem with it. By "general" I mean that I am not only referring to the particular woman that I discussed before. I still don't really know what is up with her, but I have her "coming around" to some extent. She will dance with me, and doesn't look like she is going to die, and she does seem so utterly nervous and confused, BUT there is still some strange sort of thing between us. I think it is either uncomfortableness because of mutual attraction, or uncomfortableness because she gets a vibe that I am attracted to her, and she does not reciprocate the feeling. Anyway, that is just an update.

I want to know whether you have an advice on how I can improve the dancing between myself and a woman who is attracted to me. I know it is a "tough" problem to have, but I have more than one case like this. In some case anyway, I have no doubt that the woman is attracted to me, she will even seek me to dance sometimes(that is certainly not the only reason why I believe she is attacted to me), BUT she can't dance with me! It's almost amusing! I watch her dancing with other guys and the difference is mind-boggling. She looks almost intermediate and has a pretty good movement/flow. With me.....it's almost comical......I am aware of her problem, so I try to be gentle, not do anything too difficult, BUT...she will do the strangest things like in the middle of nothing at all her arm will suddenly spasm into steel, and she'll look half mortified. Anyway, what do you think I can do to "cure" these women who are incapable of dancing with me just because I am too overwhelmingly sexy for them? :lol:

[pygmalion]

I wonder if one of the dance teachers in DF can help. I'm sure they deal with excessive/unwanted attractions all the time. Teachers? Do you have some thoughts for Marvellous?

[borikensalsero]

I wonder if one of the dance teachers in DF can help. I'm sure they deal with excessive/unwanted attractions all the time. Teachers? Do you have some thoughts for Marvellous?

Marvellous I feel for you my man, I feel you...

I’m not an instructor but I've had my share of women behave in all weird ways when dancing with me. Weird isn't even the word, I've got some wild stories.

I have different ways of dealing with it depending on their behavior. To the ones who trip over their own feet, I’ve began to do either of two things. I’ll ask them questions about their dancing during the dance, and tell them beats and pieces of what I’m about to do. I try to get their mind off the awkwardness. Something like, Oh, Imma spin you, can you do this? Have you been dancing long? Where do you go to class? So on. Hopefully getting her head out of the situation and into something else.

My other option for such girls, is to really notice the awkwardness. For example, if she happens to trip I’ll smile, wink, and help her through the redness. How, that is up to you… Me, I’m a fool so, if I don’t laugh with her, I’ll tell her Imma get her new shoes, if you fall we are both going down, don’t worry I’m a pro at falling, and so one. With the stiff hands, I’ll point to them with my lips and eys and make a flexing motion. If the girl truly likes you, you might have just broken the ice to a better dance next time. If she doesn’t then that is the last time you guys dance. :shock:

You know, I still think going up to her and telling her how attractive you find her and how difficult overcoming the attraction during a dance is that you can’t manage to relax. Knowing where you both stand is better than enduring many unrelaxed dances. Even if it isn't custom, break the mold. :D Ask to buy her a bottle of water, or tell her you would like to talk to her after the dance...

[Marvellous]

Marvellous I feel for you my man, I feel you...

I’m not an instructor but I've had my share of women behave in all weird ways when dancing with me. Weird isn't even the word, I've got some wild stories.

I can imagine. I have some pretty "weird" and "wild" stories too. I never imagined that dancing would be such an experience in human interaction. Some of the wilder situations I have had are women pretty much full-on molesting me right in a dance lesson. Interesting, but uncomfortable, since being a guy I am always worried that the instructor, other women, and whoever are probably going to thing that I am the one responsible for it looking like we are trying to rape each other with our clothes on.

As for weird, some of the ones that give me sleepless nights are the "schitzophrenic" women in my dance circle. I just cannot figure them out. One day they will avoid me like a have the plague, and literally "run" rather than dance with me, and then the next time I see them they will literally throw themselves at me(or rub themselves on me) and solicit a dance. It is really beyond me, if anyone has any thoughts.....

In the same vein are the ones who smile themselves to death and enjoy themselves with me during a lesson, and then when I try to dance with them after a lesson they seem so sober and uncomfortable that I just want the dance to be over, and I don't ask her to dance again. Maybe in reality this is the same issue we have been discussing. Maybe she is just really nervous to be dancing with me; however, in the lesson she can be relaxed and excited about dancing with me because she knows the pattern we are doing???

I have different ways of dealing with it depending on their behavior. To the ones who trip over their own feet, I’ve began to do either of two things. I’ll ask them questions about their dancing during the dance, and tell them beats and pieces of what I’m about to do. I try to get their mind off the awkwardness. Something like, Oh, Imma spin you, can you do this? Have you been dancing long? Where do you go to class? So on. Hopefully getting her head out of the situation and into something else.

My other option for such girls, is to really notice the awkwardness. For example, if she happens to trip I’ll smile, wink, and help her through the redness. How, that is up to you… Me, I’m a fool so, if I don’t laugh with her, I’ll tell her Imma get her new shoes, if you fall we are both going down, don’t worry I’m a pro at falling, and so one. With the stiff hands, I’ll point to them with my lips and eys and make a flexing motion. If the girl truly likes you, you might have just broken the ice to a better dance next time. If she doesn’t then that is the last time you guys dance. :shock:

You know, I still think going up to her and telling her how attractive you find her and how difficult overcoming the attraction during a dance is that you can’t manage to relax. Knowing where you both stand is better than enduring many unrelaxed dances. Even if it isn't custom, break the mold. :D Ask to buy her a bottle of water, or tell her you would like to talk to her after the dance...

Good thoughts. I agree that it depends on the "behavior" but also depends on the particular woman; her character and exactly what kind of vibe you might be getting. For example, in some cases I am not that "close" to the woman, and don't really know much about her, and I cannot even fathom what her issue might be. In such a case I don't really want to directly "confront" or deal with the issue. On the other hand, for the cases where they are a regular at my lessons and I am fairly sure that the problem is caused by their nervousness, due to being attracted to me or whatever, I am thinking that I might start taking your advice. I think I may try to have a little "chat" with them, let them know that I think there is some sort of problem, and see what we can do about it so that we can try to actually enjoy dancing together.