My Female partner wants to lead all the time...

[kingrat]

Hello all. I just started taking lessons formally and I practice with someone who has been dancing all the time and she is always trying to lead. she admits that she has this problem but it is really frustrating because I want to learn how to lead and not have her do it all the time. any advice on how to handle this?

[pygmalion]

Wow, kingrat. That's tough one. Does she take private or group dance instruction, or is she self-taught? The thing is, what she's doing is such a monumental problem -- she's not only not doing her job as a dancer, she's preventing you from doing yours. That's a serious issue, and, for your sake, needs to be addressed ASAP.

The only problem is that, short of refusing to dance with her, it will probably be very hard for you as a newer dancer to correct her -- sometimes, you may not even be aware when she's leading. (It can be pretty insidious :( )

My suggestion is, if she's getting formal instruction, ask her to mention the problem to her teachers and ask for help. Or maybe the two of you could chip in and take some lessons together with a good coach? There are some really good lead/follow exercises out there that might help the two of you.

I feel like my answer is way insufficient. Can anybody else suggest something that might help?

(btw, kingrat, good to see you posting again. Thanks for sticking around. :D )

[Sagitta]

Is your partner backleading or leading? If she is backleading then ask her to lead, and do the follower part. If your partner hasn't done much leading then perhaps she will appreciate the complexity/difficulty of your role. I had someone do this to me, and with after a little role reversal she had an easier time letting me learn to lead as I danced with her. :)

[will35]

There are doctors who can work wonders with the genitalia these days. They could make you the perfect follower, and you'd both be happy.

[pygmalion]

:shock: Hey will! Genetalia and leading/following don't necessarily go together. Some of the best leads I know are women. :roll: Of course, they're not doing tango! :wink: :lol:

[will35]

It was just a joke. Sometimes I follow, too.

[Marvellous]

Hello all. I just started taking lessons formally and I practice with someone who has been dancing all the time and she is always trying to lead. she admits that she has this problem but it is really frustrating because I want to learn how to lead and not have her do it all the time. any advice on how to handle this?

Get a new partner. :D

[Adwiz]

This is apparently a common problem with people who have danced in solo-style dance forms like Ballet, Highland, Riverdance, etc. In these cases, it's the result of years of learning steps and technique without ever having to worry about a partner. You just learn your steps and do them, so the partner becomes irrelevant.

It's not impossible to overcome if she's willing to work through what's obviously a serious problem in a partner-based dance form. My wife had this problem too (for the reasons described above), and has pretty much gotten past it. But in your case, with you as a new dancer and her as an experienced one, it would be quite frustrating. Depending on how good your relationship is, you might want to try prodding her (I continually used the technique of telling my wife, "let me lead, please" as a gentle reminder every time she tried to move ahead of me). If you find this uncomfortable or that it creates tension in the relationship you may have no choice but to find a new partner.

The only other thing I might suggest is having your instructor point it out to her. Since she will respect his input, if he tells her that she needs to work on this, she'll probably be more open to recognizing it as a flaw. And one of that severity will put both of you on a more even keel, because it should humble her, giving her something significant to work on herself.

[Sagitta]

Speaking of follows leading. I actually did a little hijacking back and forth with one follow tonight for part of a song. It was fun!! :) [Now this is different from back leading!! That's not too cool.]

[KevinL]

Kingrat,

Let her lead, but make sure she does it right. Then start backleading, and see how she responds, 8^).

All kidding aside, though, experienced followers who try to backlead new leaders generally do the leaders an incredible dis-service because it is much harder to lead-follow-lead than it is to just lead, which is already hard enough. I know that when I follow in class it is very difficult for me not to backlead and anticipate what the leaders are trying to do. It usually helps to close my eyes, though, so maybe you can suggest that to your partner?

Perhaps explaining the situation to your partner will help. Tell her that the backleading makes it much harder for you, and that it is frustrating you. That might convince her to stop backleading. If not, you will need to find another partner. If that turns out to be the case, though, make certain that you explain exactlly why you can't dance with her anymore. Maybe that will be enough to get her to stop leading?

Kevin

[pygmalion]

It was just a joke. Sometimes I follow, too.

I figured, as much, will. Just joking back. :wink: After all the tango history you told about tangueros learning men from men, and everyone learning both lead and follow parts, I figured you had quite a lot of respect for the gentle art of following. :D

[_ruskitantzor_]

i have the same problem, but my partner is being very childish and never wants to admitit and when i bring it up she flips out at me

[peachexploration]

i have the same problem, but my partner is being very childish and never wants to admitit and when i bring it up she flips out at me

Welcome Ruskitantzor! :D I saw that you were taking quite a few classes during the week including private lessons. How does your dance coach view this? Sometimes, it's just better if a third party handles the conflict.

[_ruskitantzor_]

my dance coach tells her that she has to stop dancing by herself, btu she only listens to her mom

[bordertangoman]

http://yohlg.free.fr/tangoleeds/features/psychodifficulty.htm this link provides an interseting analysis of the couple dynamic, and i had a comment from a friend about new age men who were too 'nice' to lead; they were too habituated to being considerate, polite etc that they were hopeless leads.
:evil:
Tango, some say, requires a clear man/woman role (irrespective of sex - Argentinans don't use the word leader or follower it is always 'man' or 'woman') :twisted:

[pygmalion]

Cool point, bordertangoman. Reminds me of an article I read (I can't remember where -- maybe dancearts.rec) which goes through a two-page explanation of the lead and follow terminology. Argentine tango keeps it simple. Man and woman. That way, nobody gets confused. :wink: :lol:

I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately, because one of my goals for the coming year is to learn to lead. I think it will help me understand my role as a follow better. But how in the world do you separate the two, once you know how to do both? Hmm. :?

[Vince A]

This may be what Jenn was talking about . . . print it out and let her read it.

http://www.eijkhout.net/lead_follow/intro.html