Anyone ever fall for their dance teacher?

[summer280]

I've had strong feelings for my dance instructor for a very long time. Almost from when I first met him...
We are the same age, we click really well, and because he's so nice, I'm in love. I wish I can stop my feelings for him, but it's so hard, I can't.

It's against the rules to date or meet any of the instructors outside of the studio. I feel like he may like me, but I get confused. Sometimes he seems interested, but then he gets distant.

Maybe I am imaging that he may like me b/c instructors are usually so nice and treat their students the best? But I know for sure that we are more than just student teacher, we had developed a friendship and like to talk about things other than dance.

Anyone ever encounter the same thing? What should I do? I like him so much, but it hurts me b/c I don't know if anything can ever happen between us.

[fascination]

I've had strong feelings for my dance instructor for a very long time. Almost from when I first met him...
We are the same age, we click really well, and because he's so nice, I'm in love. I wish I can stop my feelings for him, but it's so hard, I can't.

It's against the rules to date or meet any of the instructors outside of the studio. I feel like he may like me, but I get confused. Sometimes he seems interested, but then he gets distant.

Maybe I am imaging that he may like me b/c instructors are usually so nice and treat their students the best? But I know for sure that we are more than just student teacher, we had developed a friendship and like to talk about things other than dance.

Anyone ever encounter the same thing? What should I do? I like him so much, but it hurts me b/c I don't know if anything can ever happen between us.welcome to DF...yes, this is a very common exeperience...if you do a search of cruches or falling for teachers, you can read for pages...none of that will really help your personal situation...which will only unfold in time in a way unique to your own situation...You have my empathy and best wishes

[PasoDancer]

Yep, every three minutes. *sigh*, good times.

When in doubt, vent your sexual frustration writing trashy dance fiction in interactive rpgs.

(I'm up too early to think logically- pay no attention to the dance-hangover behind the pair of shoes)

[summer280]

lol thanks

[Throwaway Overshare]

It's against the rules to date or meet any of the instructors outside of the studio.

Another reason to dance am/am instead of pro/am...

[pygmalion]

Another reason to dance am/am instead of pro/am...

Ams never get their wires crossed, romance-wise? :eyebrow:

Yeah, summer. It happens to a lot of people. You probably won't get a whole lot of folks 'fessing up, just because ... it's so personal. But it does happen a lot. You're not alone. As has been said, there are quite a few older threads on the subject. Not that it helps you, now, sad to say.

But really, when you get two people alone in an intimate situation ... I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often. The hard truth, from the student's perspective, though, is that teachers have to be ... your teacher. They have to get the information across. And they have to get paid in order to pay their bills, most of them. So they may be kind and cordial and funny. They may even like you, as a person. But that doesn't necessarily mean they feel anything romantic for you. It can be hard, sometimes. Bummer.

I feel for you. :?

[Throwaway Overshare]

Ams never get their wires crossed, romance-wise? :eyebrow:

Course they do, but there's no rules standing in their way.

Just a million other things.

[pygmalion]

Course they do, but there's no rules standing in their way.

Just a million other things.

:) Sad but true. :?

[chocolatchica]

I've had strong feelings for my dance instructor for a very long time. Almost from when I first met him...
We are the same age, we click really well, and because he's so nice, I'm in love. I wish I can stop my feelings for him, but it's so hard, I can't.

It's against the rules to date or meet any of the instructors outside of the studio. I feel like he may like me, but I get confused. Sometimes he seems interested, but then he gets distant.

Maybe I am imaging that he may like me b/c instructors are usually so nice and treat their students the best? But I know for sure that we are more than just student teacher, we had developed a friendship and like to talk about things other than dance.

Anyone ever encounter the same thing? What should I do? I like him so much, but it hurts me b/c I don't know if anything can ever happen between us.
Yeah happened to me once at a franchise studio so they are really strict about not letting teacher have relationships with their students. I thought that he liked me and found out I was right later. We kept it on the downlow for a longtime but then people started getting suspicious because whenever I would step out he would too and vice versa. It ended pretty bad because he got in big trouble with the studio owner and he started getting upset with me dancing with the other students and it just turned into a big mess. If it is one of those picky studios I would be very very careful because the instructor could get fired. But I would like to hear how things go. Hopefully everything works out better for you than it did for me! Good luck!

[Larinda McRaven]

he started getting upset with me dancing with the other students and it just turned into a big mess.

This is one of the problems... he get jealous over you dancing with other teacher/students... you get jealous over him dancing with students/teachers/partner... other students get jealous and accuse him of giving preferential treatment, or you assuming you are special.

Maintaing the teacher/student and the boyfrieng/girfriend thing at the same time is very very difficult. The student/teacher relationship is inherently lopsided, one person in intended to be in the power position. Yet in a personal relationship the balance of power should be equal. The desire or expectation for all of the relationships to equalize is very strong, and so creates an immense amount of tension when they don't.

[fascination]

that inequality can go either way depending upon the financial picture as well...

I guess this is what I think it comes down to....can you let it go and just dance...or are you too miserable? ...if you can't keep it to yourself you need to appreciate that the response you get might not be the one you are looking for...but at least then you will be living in the real world..IME, these things are best out on the table so that all parties can make decisions based upon knowlege of what is going on instead of a bunch of unstable underlying currents....fantasy is not always so fun...but lots of folks would prefer it to having to give it up....

I have seen this go lots of ways...I know of an instructor who married one of his students and they lived happily ever after and the studio was just peachy with it...I have seen pros who have dated their students and the ripple effects of those women still being around and still being a bit territorial with the tension overflowing onto everyone else...and I have seen folks just fess up and get over it...(eventually)...

it pretty much bites unless you get the happily ever after scenario

[Twilight_Elena]

Do we have hundreds of threads on this subject or what? We should have had a teacher/student sticky. Oh well.
Summing it up? There's a chance it's all because of the dancing and not because of the person. Think about it. A guy and girl, doing dips and turns, moving their hips around, doing incredibly sexy gestures... Not to mention the fact that your teacher usually has to get pretty intimate with your body. From a point on, it can come almost naturally. Which is why you have to be 100% sure you really, REALLY aren't confused by the dancing before letting yourself fall for a teacher. I've had my share of confusions. It ain't easy to tell.
Now, let us assume that you are indeed having feelings that are unrelated to the dancing part or the teaching part. I've heard of stories where a teacher/student relationship ended up well. Marriage. Pro partnerships. I've also heard of stories when it has gone BAD. Real bad. From getting fired to getting a horrible rep to who knows what else.
So be careful. Very, very careful. Odds are he's being distant because there are rules against dating. Or maybe he doesn't like you. Who knows? Are you willing to risk your lessons, your reputation, maybe even his job on a "maybe"?
Think about it. Good luck, and welcome to DF. :D

T_E

[chocolatchica]

Do we have hundreds of threads on this subject or what? We should have had a teacher/student sticky. Oh well.
Summing it up? There's a chance it's all because of the dancing and not because of the person. Think about it. A guy and girl, doing dips and turns, moving their hips around, doing incredibly sexy gestures... Not to mention the fact that your teacher usually has to get pretty intimate with your body. From a point on, it can come almost naturally. Which is why you have to be 100% sure you really, REALLY aren't confused by the dancing before letting yourself fall for a teacher. I've had my share of confusions. It ain't easy to tell.
Now, let us assume that you are indeed having feelings that are unrelated to the dancing part or the teaching part. I've heard of stories where a teacher/student relationship ended up well. Marriage. Pro partnerships. I've also heard of stories when it has gone BAD. Real bad. From getting fired to getting a horrible rep to who knows what else.
So be careful. Very, very careful. Odds are he's being distant because there are rules against dating. Or maybe he doesn't like you. Who knows? Are you willing to risk your lessons, your reputation, maybe even his job on a "maybe"?
Think about it. Good luck, and welcome to DF. :D

T_E
Well said:)

[pygmalion]

The student/teacher relationship is inherently lopsided, one person in intended to be in the power position. Yet in a personal relationship the balance of power should be equal. The desire or expectation for all of the relationships to equalize is very strong, and so creates an immense amount of tension when they don't.

Beautifully said, Larinda. :notworth: Mixing a de facto unequal relationship doesn't bode well, IMO, with developing a romantic relationship, which, in my mind, should be based on equality.

Finding a balance between the two? Yikes.

And yes, happily ever afters do happen. But, having read through all the DF threads (probably not hundreds, but a lot :lol: ) and been around a few years, I've come to believe that happily-ever-afters are the exceptions that prove the rule.

IMHO, developing a teacher/student romantic relationship is a super risky move, no matter whose shoes you're in -- teacher or student -- and regardless of whether there are studio rules or not. As far as I know, it's mostly franchise studios that are the "picky" ones you referred to, chocolatachica -- the ones with documented, "enforceable" rules against teacher/student fraternization. But independents stand to lose just as much and be hurt just as badly, IMO -- in lost revenue, damaged reputation, etc.

Really tricky, IMO.

[summer280]

I appreciate everyone's kind and supportive responses...

I'm miserable b/c I like him so much. We get along so well, we are the same age and it makes it even harder because we have very much the same interests.

I was reading some of the older threads, and I'm understanding that there can are so many different problems that can arise. It seems like it would be a bad idea to try to pursue something with my teacher. I wouldn't want to create any drama, and it wouldn't be fair to him.

I may be building things in my head. I just don't know how to get over him. It's hard b/c we click so well.

What should I do? Should I just try hard to let it go??

[pygmalion]

Zoinks! Not sure what to say.

Common wisdom would probably be to just try and let it go.

Truth be told, that's probably the best way to handle things. I never have, though. (In my real life, not my dance life, mind you ... :lol: ) If I have feelings for someone, I at least try to tell them. So I'm out there on a limb, risking emotional obliteration. lol. Hey. In my twisted mind, that's better than wishing, later, that I'd had the ... wherewithal ... to go for it.

But that's me.

I guess the question is, "Who are you?" Would you rather love this guy from afar without risk? Or would you rather risk losing everything on the slim chance you'll win everything?

Or, looking at it another way, would you rather not "rock the boat" by finding out the truth, or would you rather find out where he stands, so you can get on with your life, if things don't go your way?

It's really up to you to decide. Happy ever afters DO happen ... not very often. And, once you know who/where he is, however heart-breaking, you're free to move on.


Two different perspectives on the same question, IMO.

It's up to you. :?

Good luck with deciding. :friend:

[mamboqueen]

Is it distracting to you when you're dancing with him?

I'd be inclined to go with the people who say this type of thing usually doesn't end up well. If you really are serious about dancing and are happy with him as a teacher, what happens if things don't pan out personally? You're out a really good teacher (I'm making an assumption here). I just don't think it's worth the risk. On the other hand, if it becomes clear to you somehow that he is interested in you romantically, it may be a good idea to get another teacher.

[SPratt74]

I appreciate everyone's kind and supportive responses...

I'm miserable b/c I like him so much. We get along so well, we are the same age and it makes it even harder because we have very much the same interests.

I was reading some of the older threads, and I'm understanding that there can are so many different problems that can arise. It seems like it would be a bad idea to try to pursue something with my teacher. I wouldn't want to create any drama, and it wouldn't be fair to him.

I completely agree with you. I like to read old threads for the information, because it gives you stuff to think about. So, even if I don't reply to them, I still read them just for that reason alone.

I may be building things in my head. I just don't know how to get over him. It's hard b/c we click so well.

What should I do? Should I just try hard to let it go??

Is there a way where you could take a break from this guy maybe and just attend group lessons for a while? Or you could even switch instructors. But if you want to stay with him as an instructor, try just concentrating on the lesson and don't chat with him too much about things etc. That might help. Or if you do like to chat with him, stick with dancing as a topic, and that might help a little bit to get things back on track. Or maybe someone knows better than I. ;)

[pygmalion]

I'd be inclined to go with the people who say this type of thing usually doesn't end up well. If you really are serious about dancing and are happy with him as a teacher, what happens if things don't pan out personally? You're out a really good teacher (I'm making an assumption here). I just don't think it's worth the risk. On the other hand, if it becomes clear to you somehow that he is interested in you romantically, it may be a good idea to get another teacher.


Yeah, MQ. I think that's the piece that's sometimes missed (but chocolata articulated it very well.)

It's not always about students' feelings for teachers. Sometimes it's about teachers' feelings for students, as much as we might like to pretend that's not in the equation. :?

My take? It's just like any other relationship, dance or no dance. If you're standing on the threshold of a new relationship (as an experienced adult,) you have to ask yourself whether the relationship is likely to harm more than it helps.

Really. I know, because I've been there before (not in the dance world, but in my other life) thinking about whether my potential interest was really a good thing for me or him or all the other people involved. As much as I'd've liked to say "to heck with the consequences," I was finally honest with myself and decided that it/he wasn't worth it.

Sad but true. Adult relationships aren't always about instant gratification. Sometimes they're about delayed gratification. Sometimes they're about denied gratification.

I wish it weren't. But that's life. :?

[fascination]

I don't think enough emphasis can be put on letting it see the light of day or on getting away from it entirely...but again, that is just my limited yet hard earned experience...what I mean is this...when one is struggling with an emotion that is a secret, it has a way of being toxic to everyone, if the person doesn't have near to super human powers...there is alot to be said for saying' "hey buddy, I'm not proud of this and I know it's complicated but I am struggling with feelings for you and I don't know how to process them b/c I don't know where you stand...I don't want this to ruin our dance relationship b/c that is my top priority, but this is really in the way right now and it would help me to know what you think"...anyhow, it just seems like then you can lay all that emotional anguish aside and move in whatever direction is neccessary...again, as others have said...that is just how it worked for me...and very well I might add...but only you kow how it needs to work for you

[mamboqueen]

I don't think enough emphasis can be put on letting it see the light of day or on getting away from it entirely...but again, that is just my limited yet hard earned experience...what I mean is this...when one is struggling with an emotion that is a secret, it has a way of being toxic to everyone, if the person doesn't have near to super human powers...there is alot to be said for saying' "hey buddy, I'm not proud of this and I know it's complicated but I am struggling with feelings for you and I don't know how to process them b/c I don't know where you stand...I don't want this to ruin our dance relationship b/c that is my top priority, but this is really in the way right now and it would help me to know what you think"...anyhow, it just seems like then you can lay all that emotional anguish aside and move in whatever direction is neccessary...again, as others have said...that is just how it worked for me...and very well I might add...but only you kow how it needs to work for you

I admire that....you're brave. I generally never do that sort of thing because then I just sit and wait for the punch in the gut. Not that this sort of thing has happened to me -- it hasn't. But, I think it's so hard to put something like that out there.

[pygmalion]

Yes. Secret feelings take on a power of their own.

I guess that's part of the reason why I've learned to make a fool of myself with guys I've liked. Hey. If it's out there, it can't hurt me ... but for so long. lol.

Getting it out there diminishes its power, whatever it is. The question is whether you can or whether you'll want to continue your teacher/student relationship, once you've had your say, summer. :?

Maybe not.

If not, can you deal with the outcome? :?

[fascination]

I admire that....you're brave. I generally never do that sort of thing because then I just sit and wait for the punch in the gut. Not that this sort of thing has happened to me -- it hasn't. But, I think it's so hard to put something like that out there.its harder to live with it bottled up...unless you anesthetize yourself...what's a little humiliation among friends...?

[fascination]

again, Summer will have to decide... and my heart goes out to her...it is harder when you are younger(IMO) as I sense she is...just because people tend to be more tender then IMO


(however, MQ, you have plenty of endearing qualities even if courage isn't one of them, which I doubt)

[Twilight_Elena]

Unrequited feelings. *shudder* We should be vaccinated for that sort of thing when we're 3.

T_E

[fascination]

now THAT...is the most brilliant idea ever posted on this forum...TE for president

[mamboqueen]

Unrequited feelings. *shudder* We should be vaccinated for that sort of thing when we're 3.

T_E

Yah...maybe you can donate some of the vaccine to the DF Auction!! :)

[pygmalion]

Unrequited feelings. *shudder* We should be vaccinated for that sort of thing when we're 3.

T_E


How do we know the feelings are un-returned? They might be. But they might not. Such is the complication of dance relationships, IMO.


It kinda stinks, IMO. :?

[fascination]

Yah...maybe you can donate some of the vaccine to the DF Auction!! :)OMG...open wallet, watch thousands fly out:shock: :rolleyes:

[fascination]

back to OP, therein lies the rub, ya don't know unless you ask...

[fascination]

and even if you ask you may not get the truth or beleive it...people are complex...blech...there is something to be said for cloisters, lol

[Larinda McRaven]

I don't neccessarily think it is something to try to get rid of... or avoid him/the situation... why not just let it run its course and enjoy the fuzzy feeling along the way. It is kinda fun to experience emotions like that ... without the pressure to do anything about them. Just feel them for what they are and let them be. They will fade in time and you won't make yourself nuts by beating yourself up over them.

[danceislove]

I bid $1,000,000 for the unrequited love vaccine!!!!!!! :D

[Throwaway Overshare]

I bid $1,000,000 for the unrequited love vaccine!!!!!!! :D

Save your money, the other solution is available, and since the patent is long expired* you can probably get it in a generic.

Oh!
My name is John Wellington Wells,
I'm a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses
And ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.

If any one anything lacks,
He'll find it all ready in stacks,
If he'll only look in
On the resident Djinn,
Number seventy, Simmery Axe!

ALEXIS I have sent for you to consult you on a very
important matter. I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy-Hydrogen
Love-at-first-sight Philtre?
WELLS Sir, it is our leading article. (Producing a phial.)


*along with W.S. Gilbert's copyright


On a more philosophical note, in the 1800's they wrote operas about life's colourful moments. In the 1900's they wrote foxtrots. In the 21st century, we get... reality TV?

[latingal]

... why not just let it run it coarse and enjoy the fuzzy feeling along the way. It is kinda fun to experience emotions like that ... without the pressure to do anything about them. Just feel them for what they are and let them be. They will fade in time and you won't make yourself nuts by beating yourself up over them.

I gotta' give a yea vote for Larinda's solution...from personal experience. I've found that sooner or later you'll know through body language or whatever, if there's some shared feeling there....if there isn't and it's handled correctly, it'll eventually fade to a fondness which is very nice too. And if he/she happens to be a great teacher, you don't lose them in the process!

[PasoDancer]

Should I just try hard to let it go??

Yes. I wish once a long time ago that someone had just let *me* go. I wouldn't be dancing right now probably (it'd still be on my list though, make no mistake), but I'd have been galloping after a gold coin on a string. Humans come and go. Sex is more readily available than food, clothing, or shelter. There are some things more important than selfish infatuation or this intanigible myth of "love". I might not be the most pleasant person in the world, and I might be more paranoid than I care to admit, but the way I'm reading you, I don't think you love him. I think you have a meaningless, starry-eyed crush on a dominant figure who shows you kindness and pays attention to your body (fear not, I had someone pay that kind of attention to my mind once- and it screwed a LOT OF THINGS UP. I posted this on DF awhile back, then chickened out and deleted it). These feelings provide you with the validation every human craves on some level or another. Let him go. You can find another. In your "dance career", you are at a position where you can "pick back up later" or change things around. He may OR may not be. It'd be a shame to screw up his plans just because you think you click with him well. Besides that- he's human just like you are- you could just be the stumbling block- his OR your hormones could tangle his feet up and trip you both up.

Example: I rode a horse one time I clicked well with. We won everything in driving distance. I liked that horse, and he liked me. I could take that horse into an arena and accomplish things with him his own owner couldn't.

But he wasn't mine. When the deal was up, I put him in the horse trailer and sent him back north. Yes, I missed him. Never found another competition horse for that discipline like him- he was unique. Know what? When I did some looking-up on him a few years ago, I found him. He was still right in the limelight where he belonged. Glossy magazine page ad with his big gold trophies and roses around his neck. I closed the books on that one. Hated to, but he was better off without me. Why? I'm not a world-class facility proprietress. I have a little four-stall barn and a pasture and a little pond in it. An entry fee of seventy-five bucks per judge per class (your average horse show weekend is a little more than a bronze am/am dancer weekend at a smaller comp, I'm gathering slowly, and you have to have a LOT of said horse shows to get "anywhere") drains me. I couldn't dance for working that horse. The tack, the clothes, the high-toned and fancy feed and other accoutrements would render me a pauper. I wouldn't be able to afford to promote him TO his potential of being a champion. I'd have ruined his career had I kept him and made a pasture pet out of him (Like I did my own two existing beasties). Instead, I can only say "I trained that horse for a little while." and sigh.

You let that horse go home when you're done riding him. Don't pet him, don't baby-talk him, and for the love of Epona, don't sneak out to his stall in your jammies at midnight and sneak him junior mints. He's teaching you, he's giving you exactly what you need at this point in your life. Don't TAKE more from him than he should give you. He SHOULD make you feel sexy, capable, desirable, and positive. It's his job to MAKE you that way AS A DANCER. Anything else- Nope. That's another one for fiction writers.

[pygmalion]

I gotta' give a yea vote for Larinda's solution...from personal experience. I've found that sooner or later you'll know through body language or whatever, if there's some shared feeling there....if there isn't and it's handled correctly, it'll eventually fade to a fondness which is very nice too. And if he/she happens to be a great teacher, you don't lose them in the process!

I totally agree that this is the best approach, in a lot of cases. Too bad it's not the one I take, pretty much ever. lol. Yes, I've knowingly and willingly splattered egg on my own face, a time or two. 'Cause that's the kid of gal I am. :oops: :lol:

Of course, it was just my feelings at risk, in the case I have in mind, not (potentially) the guy's career or reputation. The dance teacher aspect does add a layer of complication, I admit. But, still, I'm an "out there" kind of person, once I know what I'm feeling. *shrug* I can't be any other way. (Edit: Not exactly true. I could be a different way, I suppose. But I like me this way. lol. )

That said, even though I don't agree with all that was said, I think PD has some pretty good points, here:

These feelings provide you with the validation every human craves on some level or another. Let him go. You can find another. In your "dance career", you are at a position where you can "pick back up later" or change things around. He may OR may not be. It'd be a shame to screw up his plans just because you think you click with him well. Besides that- he's human just like you are- you could just be the stumbling block- his OR your hormones could tangle his feet up and trip you both up.

[nikita]

May be you felt for him, cose you know, that he is unavailable and that he can't be with you? As long, as you have a crash on him, you successfully avoid any other healthy, fullfilling relationship. If you want to make yourself as unhappy, as you can, go on. But the sooner you forget about him, the better for you.

[Shooshoo]

May be you felt for him, cose you know, that he is unavailable and that he can't be with you? As long, as you have a crash on him, you successfully avoid any other healthy, fullfilling relationship. If you want to make yourself as unhappy, as you can, go on. But the sooner you forget about him, the better for you.

That's true.

I find many instructors are extra friendly and nice, it's part of their job. So the messages they send out can also be misleading. And men generally enjoy attention and like it when women fall for them. Of course, there are exceptions and I'm sure there are successful relationships between instructors and students. You just have to be careful and take care of your heart.

[fascination]

I don't neccessarily think it is something to try to get rid of... or avoid him/the situation... why not just let it run its course and enjoy the fuzzy feeling along the way. It is kinda fun to experience emotions like that ... without the pressure to do anything about them. Just feel them for what they are and let them be. They will fade in time and you won't make yourself nuts by beating yourself up over them.
if that is possible...sure...my sense however is that is only what one feels part of the time;)

[fascination]

having missed alot of posting last night, I will also say..that candor, while also the way I work, does in fact have to be tempered by what it can do to the parties concerned...it is important to consider how expendable the dance relationship is to both of you, to consider his level of maturity /personality/ restraint to be able to work with you with that sort of information...it is his livlihood we are talking about here?...are you expendable? and can YOU find another instructor if he can't work with you?...and lastly, if you tell him, is that where the info is likely to stay?...are there others who might be hurt as well?...i.e. do you have a boy friend etc...it all has to be done or ignored from a rational perspective...because keeping it to yourself or telling can both be done poorly, and both be done well..

for example, if you just ignore it and wait for it to go away, CAN you avoid being moody emotional and depressed?...if not, you're not really ignoring it...and he'll know something is up...and probably think you're a bit odd, unless he figures it out, to boot...

BUT, you also don't want to tell him in the midst of some major upheaval....

either way, it has to be thought through and stuck with...and either way it takes alot of internal fortitude to do right...again, my sympathies b/c rational or irrational, love or attraction, or some other psychological dynamic, you didn't pick it ...you're only stuck with how to play it out

[Twilight_Elena]

now THAT...is the most brilliant idea ever posted on this forum...TE for president

:mrgreen: :mrgreen:
Wow. I've never been nominated for president of anything! Thanks!

T_E

[Sabor]

if u like the guy .. go for it..

if it dont work.. then it dont work.. atleast u gave it a chance and thats better than wondering later on.. u can always dance anywhere with anyone at any studio.. but u can't always click well with another person in a special way..

just be sure its not just a crush .. cause that wouldn't be worth risking a good thing since it passes..

[SPratt74]

you didn't pick it ...you're only stuck with how to play it out

That is so right on. You can't help whom you fall in love with, so you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Everything has a lesson to be learned, and in this case I think it's exactly what you had said.

[mamboqueen]

OMG...open wallet, watch thousands fly out:shock: :rolleyes:

*open wallet, watch spare change and a few subway tokens fly out* Damn...now how do I get home??! *LOL*

[summer280]

awwww I am truly thankful for everyone's responses and advice...

everyone is so kind here, thank you for that. :)

I've tried to just let it go, and move on, even with the hidden feelings I have for him...but then there will be times where he acts super interested and nice to me, which I'm sure is normal among teachers. And when this happens, my feelings grow again, and I get all crazy over it.

We are definately friendlier to each other than I noticed among the other students. He is an amazing teacher, the best one there, in my opinion....I've taken lessons with some of the other instructors, and he is amazing, so I wouldn't want to lose him as a teacher.

I would feel uncomfortable to tell him my feelings cause I feel it'll make the whole situation awkward. But we are close, and he has mentioned that since we talk so much during our lessons, that we should spend a day outside the studio just talking, haha. Casually, we have tried to arrange a day to meet outside the studio, but he never would follow through. That's what gets me. He acts friendly, then gets distant.

I think that all goes back to the idea of how his career is on the line and he wouldn't want to cause any trouble by meeting a student outside the studio?

I guess I should try to let it be, not get all caught up in the emotions. It's extremely hard because I struggle inside and get all upset and frustrated over him. I have to work hard at it. I don't want to lose him as a teacher, and also friend. I enjoy his company and I guess I will try to keep it that way for now. I've just been doing this for a while now, I can't seem to get over him. We'll see how things turn out - maybe something could develop depending on how he acts, or maybe it'll all die down.

I just wanna thank everyone again for your kind words. It really does mean a lot!

[pygmalion]

Several years ago, I had a dance teacher with whom I was emotionally involved. Not romantically. No sirreee! He's very gay. lol. Thank goodness. Or I might've have been lost -- rather awkward, since I was in a long-term committed relationship at the time.

Umm. What helped me was to start taking lessons with other teachers, in addition to him. Interacting in a friendly way with other dance teachers helped lessen the intensity of my feelings for him. For one, I wasn't spending four or five days a week, sharing stories and dishing gossip with my main teacher. For two, it gave me a more objective means of comparing his behavior toward me with other teachers' behavior toward me.

And three, in my case, at least (not yours -- mine,) it turned out that his emotional "involvement" was mostly for show. That's my interpretation, looking back on his subsequent behavior and after years of healing.

He was manipulating many of his female students in order to get them to buy lessons. I won't go into a lot of detail about how I know (although the story's here, in other threads. lol) This thread is about you. :cool:

My take? If you want to keep dancing with this teacher, then it might help if you find a way to create some distance between you and him. Even a little distance might help you find a space in which to figure out your own feelings.

[SPratt74]

I would feel uncomfortable to tell him my feelings cause I feel it'll make the whole situation awkward. But we are close, and he has mentioned that since we talk so much during our lessons, that we should spend a day outside the studio just talking, haha. Casually, we have tried to arrange a day to meet outside the studio, but he never would follow through. That's what gets me. He acts friendly, then gets distant.

I think that all goes back to the idea of how his career is on the line and he wouldn't want to cause any trouble by meeting a student outside the studio?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you didn't tell us this part lol. I was in a similar situation at the college I worked at. There was a hottie instructor that I worked with. I was a student first, and while I knew that he liked me, it was again the student/teacher thing. Then when I got hired onto the school, we became the best of friends. (It helped he taught psychology, so I could talk about my problems lol.) Anyways, one day he finally asked me out for beer. (I hate beer lol.) But I didn't go. He asked me out two more times. I guess it was the old saying third times the charm, or as what my x used to say as soon as he discovered American baseball, three strikes your out lol. But I guess what happened wasn't so much cold feet, because I did like the guy, it was just that it felt to awkward. I still looked at him as a teacher even though that had changed. Not to say that I wasn't flattered by him asking cause all of the girls wanted him to ask them lol, but I don't know. It was just weird. And that could very well be your problem here. While he might like you, he might back down because that teacher/student situation always comes to haunt you in your head. Trust me I wish it didn't haunt mine but it did at that time lol, and still does. So, I wouldn't take it personally either way.

Oh here's one idea that I just thought of though. Have you ever thought about bringing a guy to class with you? It doesn't matter who he is as long as it's some guy. The reason is because you could get a better idea as to how your instructor acts if you were to do this, and then you wouldn't have to ask him. You'd pretty much know. ;)

I guess I should try to let it be, not get all caught up in the emotions. It's extremely hard because I struggle inside and get all upset and frustrated over him. I have to work hard at it. I don't want to lose him as a teacher, and also friend. I enjoy his company and I guess I will try to keep it that way for now. I've just been doing this for a while now, I can't seem to get over him. We'll see how things turn out - maybe something could develop depending on how he acts, or maybe it'll all die down.


In this case I'd say allow fate to take it's course of action, but I believe in fate etc. If it were meant to be then it would happen. And hey, maybe my situation was supposed to happen, and if it still is then it will work it's way back into my life somehow. I guess though that feeling this way has helped me from getting hurt to much and to get to involved with things even though I'm sure not everyone feels this way lol.

[love2swing]

Sigh. I was an instructor for a while. I've seen this happen time and time again, whether it be my students or other instructors students. There was a saying going around our studio that everyone falls in love with their first dance teacher. Sure, we meant in sort of tongue-in-cheek, but in all honesty, it appears that everyone goes through this stage. I still think my first dance teacher is one of the best dancers I've ever seen-- I know he's not, but since we went through that time of me getting exposed to something completely new and wonderful and fun, I was always, always think that about him.

I think the big clue here is that he never follows up on meeting you outside the studio. If he was interested, he would. He's probably just being polite. I couldn't tell you how many times I've turned down requests to hang out outside the studio because of this-- and when I ignored the rules and hung out with my students anyway-- but never in a romantic context. I am now good friends with several of my former students--friendships that started building while I taught them.

It could be that his feelings for you are mostly for show, to keep you interested, or it could be that he's a naturally bubbly and friendly person like most dance teachers are. When you're holding each other and doing things that dancers do, the inexperienced students tend to take the person's natural friendliness the wrong way.

EDIT: How old are the two of you, and how long have you been taking lessons, both with him and overall?

[SPratt74]

Sigh. I was an instructor for a while. I've seen this happen time and time again, whether it be my students or other instructors students. There was a saying going around our studio that everyone falls in love with their fast dance teacher. Sure, we meant in sort of tongue-in-cheek, but in all honesty, it appears that everyone goes through this stage. I still think my first dance teacher is one of the best dancers I've ever seen-- I know he's not, but since we went through that time of me getting exposed to something completely new and wonderful and fun, I was always, always think that about him.

I agree. Although, in dancing it's hard to know since it's so intimate anyways lol. I guess I'm used to it, but I know when I first started I was shocked by it all lol.

I think the big clue here is that he never follows up on meeting you outside the studio. If he was interested, he would. He's probably just being polite. I couldn't tell you how many times I've turned down requests to hang out outside the studio because of this-- and when I ignored the rules and hung out with my students anyway-- but never in a romantic context. I am now good friends with several of my former students--friendships that started building while I taught them.

We meet outside of the studio too, but that's to go dancing in the clubs, and that's always a blast. Otherwise, I've only hung out with the girls like when we go shopping for showcases and things like that.

It could be that his feelings for you are mostly for show, to keep you interested, or it could be that he's a naturally bubbly and friendly person like most dance teachers are. When you're holding each other and doing things that dancers do, the inexperienced students tend to take the person's natural friendliness the wrong way.

Yep. That can certainly happen. It's happened more than once at my studio. One of the girls said that her friend wasn't going there any more, because she thought one of the male instructors liked her. I thought that was a shame, but again, she wasn't used to the intimacy of dancing. But I guess to it depends on the reasons why you go in and why you want to stay. I went in to get away from men lol. I know, it seemed like good therapy at the time lol. But what's great about dancing is that there are always those gentleman that make you feel special which is sometimes more than what you get at home (like in my case) that's for sure.

[pygmalion]

Sigh. I was an instructor for a while. I've seen this happen time and time again, whether it be my students or other instructors students. There was a saying going around our studio that everyone falls in love with their first dance teacher. Sure, we meant in sort of tongue-in-cheek, but in all honesty, it appears that everyone goes through this stage. I still think my first dance teacher is one of the best dancers I've ever seen-- I know he's not, but since we went through that time of me getting exposed to something completely new and wonderful and fun, I was always, always think that about him.


Thank goodness my first dance teacher was gay!! lol. So I fell in love with some aspects of him. But never lust, thank goodness. Never lust. *whew*

And when you add in the way many of us start dancing as adults -- to fill an emotional hole -- it just makes the possibility of "love" even higher, because the teacher, perhaps indirectly, is filling an emotional need that nobody/nothing else is, at that time.

I'm not demeaning what I felt for my first dance teacher, by the way. I'm just saying that, although my feelings/behaviors were (naive but) genuine, his were maniuplative. But I'm sure it's just as possible that lots of people have developed long-term, wholesome friendships or, in some cases, real romantic relationships, on the dance floor.

It's a complicated thing. :?

[fascination]

*open wallet, watch spare change and a few subway tokens fly out* Damn...now how do I get home??! *LOL*dunno...cuz now I'm broke too;)

[fascination]

if he has tried to arrange something outside of lessons ...unprompted by you...it sounds as if he is confused as well...but if he cancels those occasions that may well be a sign to leave it alone...let him figure himself out first...if he does, he will let you know...

I will also second the notion that there are some dance teachers who know how to work the angle of their attractiveness ...in my situation this was not the case...lol...but I have had other intructors who are interested in getting my business give me candy, a little ten minute free tutoral, scrape the ice ice off of my windshield, have time to listen, yada yada...and meh, maybe it was all out of the goodness of their heart, dunno... and ya know, it is a business...there is a fine line between friendly and over the edge and it is elusive...and manipulation runs both ways...which is why I tend to be either totally businesslike or totally cards on the table, or both, but never anything in between anymore....that is just what works for me...but I don't delude myself into thinking it is an overarching solution for anyone else....just more to consider Summer

[summer280]

I definately don't think it's for money....

He doesn't own the studio, and he has plenty of students already. Since he is already full with students, sometimes it's hard to schedule a lesson since he is completely booked. He's even suggested to me to take lessons with a female instructor to further develop my dance.

We are both 22 years old. I've been taking lessons with him for about 1/2 a year, and about 2 years in total at a previous studio.

He's not my first instructor, I took lessons at another studio and with the former teacher I did realize that he would manipulate his students for more lessons, etc. But I can tell with my current instructor that it's not that way.

I think if it continues to frustrate me, I'll take your advice and try to distant myself by taking lessons with other instructors. I guess I have to see how things turn out...

[pygmalion]

Good luck. :friend:

[Purr]

I don't neccessarily think it is something to try to get rid of... or avoid him/the situation... why not just let it run its course and enjoy the fuzzy feeling along the way. It is kinda fun to experience emotions like that ... without the pressure to do anything about them. Just feel them for what they are and let them be. They will fade in time and you won't make yourself nuts by beating yourself up over them.

Good advice. :)

[DancePoet]

Maintaing the teacher/student and the boyfrieng/girfriend thing at the same time is very very difficult. The student/teacher relationship is inherently lopsided, one person in intended to be in the power position. Yet in a personal relationship the balance of power should be equal. The desire or expectation for all of the relationships to equalize is very strong, and so creates an immense amount of tension when they don't.
Excellent view to share. :cool:

[DancePoet]

I guess this is what I think it comes down to....can you let it go and just dance...or are you too miserable? ...if you can't keep it to yourself you need to appreciate that the response you get might not be the one you are looking for...but at least then you will be living in the real world..IME, these things are best out on the table so that all parties can make decisions based upon knowlege of what is going on instead of a bunch of unstable underlying currents....fantasy is not always so fun...but lots of folks would prefer it to having to give it up....
More excellent ideas shared here. :cool:

Ultimately, being confident and secure enough to be truthful, realizing that the reply one gets may be less then what is desired, and being accepting enough to move on while having a plan to proceed with whatever the eventual direction is, all could be very wise.

[DancePoet]

Do we have hundreds of threads on this subject or what? We should have had a teacher/student sticky. Oh well.
Summing it up? There's a chance it's all because of the dancing and not because of the person. Think about it. A guy and girl, doing dips and turns, moving their hips around, doing incredibly sexy gestures... Not to mention the fact that your teacher usually has to get pretty intimate with your body. From a point on, it can come almost naturally. Which is why you have to be 100% sure you really, REALLY aren't confused by the dancing before letting yourself fall for a teacher. I've had my share of confusions. It ain't easy to tell.
Now, let us assume that you are indeed having feelings that are unrelated to the dancing part or the teaching part. I've heard of stories where a teacher/student relationship ended up well. Marriage. Pro partnerships. I've also heard of stories when it has gone BAD. Real bad. From getting fired to getting a horrible rep to who knows what else.
So be careful. Very, very careful. Odds are he's being distant because there are rules against dating. Or maybe he doesn't like you. Who knows? Are you willing to risk your lessons, your reputation, maybe even his job on a "maybe"?
Think about it. Good luck, and welcome to DF. :D
T_E, you keep impressing me wiht your views. :cool:

[DancePoet]

I appreciate everyone's kind and supportive responses...

I'm miserable b/c I like him so much. We get along so well, we are the same age and it makes it even harder because we have very much the same interests.

I was reading some of the older threads, and I'm understanding that there can are so many different problems that can arise. It seems like it would be a bad idea to try to pursue something with my teacher. I wouldn't want to create any drama, and it wouldn't be fair to him.

I may be building things in my head. I just don't know how to get over him. It's hard b/c we click so well.

What should I do? Should I just try hard to let it go??
If you decide not to risk it, know there are plenty of guys out there and he isn't the last person you will feel like you do about him currently.

[DancePoet]

I don't think enough emphasis can be put on letting it see the light of day or on getting away from it entirely...but again, that is just my limited yet hard earned experience...what I mean is this...when one is struggling with an emotion that is a secret, it has a way of being toxic to everyone, if the person doesn't have near to super human powers...there is alot to be said for saying' "hey buddy, I'm not proud of this and I know it's complicated but I am struggling with feelings for you and I don't know how to process them b/c I don't know where you stand...I don't want this to ruin our dance relationship b/c that is my top priority, but this is really in the way right now and it would help me to know what you think"...anyhow, it just seems like then you can lay all that emotional anguish aside and move in whatever direction is neccessary...again, as others have said...that is just how it worked for me...and very well I might add...but only you kow how it needs to work for you
Seems like a wise course of action to me. :cool:

[DancePoet]

I bid $1,000,000 for the unrequited love vaccine!!!!!!! :D:shock: I don't know, seems like about as likely as ocean from property in Kansas. ;) :lol:

[DancePoet]

On a more philosophical note, in the 1800's they wrote operas about life's colourful moments. In the 1900's they wrote foxtrots. In the 21st century, we get... reality TV?
:lol:

[DancePoet]

May be you felt for him, cose you know, that he is unavailable and that he can't be with you? As long, as you have a crash on him, you successfully avoid any other healthy, fullfilling relationship. If you want to make yourself as unhappy, as you can, go on. But the sooner you forget about him, the better for you.
I'm not sure why but this post had me with this popping out of my mind ...

Maybe it is time for some tango. ;)

[DancePoet]

awwww I am truly thankful for everyone's responses and advice...

everyone is so kind here, thank you for that. :)

I've tried to just let it go, and move on, even with the hidden feelings I have for him...but then there will be times where he acts super interested and nice to me, which I'm sure is normal among teachers. And when this happens, my feelings grow again, and I get all crazy over it.

We are definately friendlier to each other than I noticed among the other students. He is an amazing teacher, the best one there, in my opinion....I've taken lessons with some of the other instructors, and he is amazing, so I wouldn't want to lose him as a teacher.

I would feel uncomfortable to tell him my feelings cause I feel it'll make the whole situation awkward. But we are close, and he has mentioned that since we talk so much during our lessons, that we should spend a day outside the studio just talking, haha. Casually, we have tried to arrange a day to meet outside the studio, but he never would follow through. That's what gets me. He acts friendly, then gets distant.

I think that all goes back to the idea of how his career is on the line and he wouldn't want to cause any trouble by meeting a student outside the studio?

I guess I should try to let it be, not get all caught up in the emotions. It's extremely hard because I struggle inside and get all upset and frustrated over him. I have to work hard at it. I don't want to lose him as a teacher, and also friend. I enjoy his company and I guess I will try to keep it that way for now. I've just been doing this for a while now, I can't seem to get over him. We'll see how things turn out - maybe something could develop depending on how he acts, or maybe it'll all die down.

I just wanna thank everyone again for your kind words. It really does mean a lot!
From what you describe, he might be struggling as well. Maybed giving him some time, and yourself some time, then you'll both find a way to work it out for yourselves first, and then both of you will be more ready to address the situation jointly.

[DancePoet]

Several years ago, I had a dance teacher with whom I was emotionally involved. Not romantically. No sirreee! He's very gay. lol. Thank goodness. Or I might've have been lost -- rather awkward, since I was in a long-term committed relationship at the time.

Umm. What helped me was to start taking lessons with other teachers, in addition to him. Interacting in a friendly way with other dance teachers helped lessen the intensity of my feelings for him. For one, I wasn't spending four or five days a week, sharing stories and dishing gossip with my main teacher. For two, it gave me a more objective means of comparing his behavior toward me with other teachers' behavior toward me.

And three, in my case, at least (not yours -- mine,) it turned out that his emotional "involvement" was mostly for show. That's my interpretation, looking back on his subsequent behavior and after years of healing.

He was manipulating many of his female students in order to get them to buy lessons. I won't go into a lot of detail about how I know (although the story's here, in other threads. lol) This thread is about you. :cool:

My take? If you want to keep dancing with this teacher, then it might help if you find a way to create some distance between you and him. Even a little distance might help you find a space in which to figure out your own feelings.
This seems like another good idea. :cool:

[SPratt74]

May be you felt for him, cose you know, that he is unavailable and that he can't be with you? As long, as you have a crash on him, you successfully avoid any other healthy, fullfilling relationship. If you want to make yourself as unhappy, as you can, go on. But the sooner you forget about him, the better for you.

Well, it depends on how you look at crushes. Crushes can be very helpful... especially when it comes to dance. However, if taken to the extreme then it might become very unhealthy especially if it comes to dance. ;)

[fascination]

mini highjack...i just love it when DP comments on like 12 different posts in a row...dunno why...I just like it

[Shooshoo]

mini highjack...i just love it when DP comments on like 12 different posts in a row...dunno why...I just like it

I like it too :) .
I feel it gives a personal touch and that's he's really sincere in his views.

[DancePoet]

mini highjack...i just love it when DP comments on like 12 different posts in a row...dunno why...I just like it
Thank you. :D :notworth:

I read alot, find many other posters to be worth conversing with, and post accordingly. :cool:

[DancePoet]

I like it too :) .
I feel it gives a personal touch and that's he's really sincere in his views.
Thanks to you as well. Much appreciated that you recognize my sincerity. :cool:

[waltzgirl]

I definately don't think it's for money....

He doesn't own the studio, and he has plenty of students already. Since he is already full with students, sometimes it's hard to schedule a lesson since he is completely booked. He's even suggested to me to take lessons with a female instructor to further develop my dance.

We are both 22 years old. I've been taking lessons with him for about 1/2 a year, and about 2 years in total at a previous studio.

He's not my first instructor, I took lessons at another studio and with the former teacher I did realize that he would manipulate his students for more lessons, etc. But I can tell with my current instructor that it's not that way.

I think if it continues to frustrate me, I'll take your advice and try to distant myself by taking lessons with other instructors. I guess I have to see how things turn out...


It's a good idea for you to take control over the distance between you. As you've described it, he pulls you closer, dangles the possibility of more, then pushes you away. Whether he's manipulative or confused, that kind of behavior is guaranteed to stoke your feelings and keep your hopes going (intermittent reinforcement and all that). The solution is for you to take charge and set the boundaries for closeness--be friendly, but don't suggest more or respond to his hints. Focus on your dancing, enjoy his company, and walk out of the studio. That will give your feelings a chance to calm down, give him some space to figure himself out if he needs to, and whatever will happen, will happen.

And if you are afraid that you'll lose his interest if you don't ride his emotional roller coaster, that's a big warning! You don't want to be in a relationship based on that.

[Larinda McRaven]

And if you are afraid that you'll lose his interest if you don't ride his emotional roller coaster, that's a big warning! You don't want to be in a relationship based on that.

ooh, good one!

[SPratt74]

And if you are afraid that you'll lose his interest if you don't ride his emotional roller coaster, that's a big warning! You don't want to be in a relationship based on that.

I agree with Larinda. That's a very good point.

And if anything instructors are salesman (if they are good), they will do almost anything to get your business. You have to realize that let's say in my case, the guy made me mad, I have to think why did they call me, then I think, they just want my money I'm going elsewhere. It's a business. They just care about the money first and foremost. That's why you have to realize what you want and go for it and forget about the other drama going on.

[danzur]

I wish I was so lucky as to have a dance student and I fall for each other. :( I teach social dancing at a community centre, so there aren't any restrictions except the rules I hold for myself. (I always tell my students that I a just another person when I dance with them to show them how something feels/looks like because I have been told many times I am intimidating. What's that all about???)

[Peaches]

I almost always find it intimidating to dance with a teacher or someone significantly better than me. It's the thought that they're going to notice EVERYTHING I do wrong, and the guilt (not quite the right word, but oh well) that I'm holding them back from really having fun. Oh well.

Regarding the OP...I second what Larinda said a while back. Recognize it as a crush, enjoy the warm-fuzzy feeling, and leave it at that. Realize that dancing, with the somewhat intimate (relative to normal amounts of contact with near-strangers) contact, and the personal attention you're being shown in the lesson, and the endorphin rush you get from the dancing, all combine to induce some very love-like feelings. But if you recognize it for what it is and what it isn't, and set up some very clear boundaries for yourself, there's nothing wrong (IMO) with enjoying that happy feeling. I find that it passes, no harm done, and there's a nice fondness that remains.

For myself, I've "fallen" for every one of my dance teachers. I enjoy the crush while it lasts, and then enjoy it when it's over. With my first teacher, though, I still feel like I have a crush on him after any smooth lesson--especially waltz. Of course, I pretty much feel like I hate him and could strangle him after a rhythm lesson, lol.

[pygmalion]

Of course, I pretty much feel like I hate him and could strangle him after a rhythm lesson, lol.

ROTFL!

[pygmalion]

And, in response to your point, Peaches, I think you're absolutely right. At least for some people, quietly crushin and enjoying the warm fuzzies is the best possible course.

But I also think that fascination's earlier point was correct, as well. Keeping it to oneself in a positive way may not be possible for some people.

My bottom line is, whatever course you take, consider the potential consequences carefully. Then make the best possible choice, given what you know and who you are. :cool:

And then there's the messy bit. Sometimes teachers and students (or teachers and teachers or partners and partners or all sorts of other inappropriate pairings) really do fall in love, over and above the infatuation that's perfectly normal. Then what? :?

[Peaches]

ROTFL!

Yeah, if nothing else, that was BIGASS CLUE #1 that what I had been feeling was crush! You know it's not real when you can predect how you'll feel about your teacher based on what dance you work on.

Waltz = love. Tango = lust. Foxtrot = sexy/elegant.

Rumba = argumentative (I AM settled all the way into my hip! What? You don't believe me?!?! Tell me how, exactly, I'm supposed to get any more motion out of that joint... *taps foot, hands on hips, defiantly*).

Cha = screw you and the horse you rode in on.

Samba = Oh, Hells no.

Mambo, Bolero = No. Find something else. No. I'm not even going to bother getting my shoes on unless you find something else. Waltz? Sure! Will you marry me?

[pygmalion]

ROTFLMBO!!!!

(Yes, B. This is a family-friendly forum ... sometimes. :lol: )

[Peaches]

And, in response to your point, Peaches, I think you're absolutely right. At least for some people, quietly crushin and enjoying the warm fuzzies is the best possible course.

But I also think that fascination's earlier point was correct, as well. Keeping it to oneself in a positive way may not be possible for some people.

My bottom line is, whatever course you take, consider the potential consequences carefully. Then make the best possible choice, given what you know and who you are. :cool:

And then there's the messy bit. Sometimes teachers and students (or teachers and teachers or partners and partners or all sorts of other inappropriate pairings) really do fall in love, over and above the infatuation that's perfectly normal. Then what? :?

No, my way isn't always the best. But in this case, her teacher seems to be toying with her (making appts, breaking them), which sends up red flags. Also, there's the "no fraternization" (sp?) aspect--I think I remembered her saying that. She stands to lose a teacher, he could stand to lose a job. All without any sort of definitive indication on his part that he's for real and not just messin' with her head.

As for the messy situations you describe...I got no clue. I'm kind of relationship stupid--things have to be spelled out clearly for me.

[mamboqueen]

As for the messy situations you describe...I got no clue. I'm kind of relationship stupid--things have to be spelled out clearly for me.

You're not alone ;)

[pygmalion]

MQ and Peaches. Come on now. Some of the posts you've made clearly indicate that your EQ is well above average. lol. You expect me to believe you're clueless? Nah. :wink:

I agree with you, Peaches. This teacher guy needs to step out over his own feet, emotionally speaking, and give the OP some indication, one way or the other. Or she needs to do something, either to find out where he stands, or to bring some distance/perspective to her side of things. I vote for the second option, since I truly am a take charge kinda gal. I don't sit around waiting. It gets on my nerves. :lol:

But still.

[Twilight_Elena]

*insert wise comment on relationships here*

T_E

[pygmalion]

Well? What's the wisdom for today? :eyebrow: :wink:

[Twilight_Elena]

Um.
Relationships are like onions. They have layers and they make you cry when you peel them.
That any good?

T_E

[SPratt74]

Um.
Relationships are like onions. They have layers and they make you cry when you peel them.
That any good?

T_E

Haha... I think I'm starting to get depressed now lol. ;)

[pygmalion]

Um.
Relationships are like onions. They have layers and they make you cry when you peel them.
That any good?

T_E


ROTFL! Works for me. :cool:

[fascination]

ya know..today a layer came off...lol..and things are kinda smelly...but ya know that's just the way it goes in all relationships...they are hard ...and generally worth it but sometimes not...today, much akin to peaches post, we just suffered in silence..comp coming...no time for drama...but after all of the past trauma, I feel like we can pretty much weather anything...so it was 4 hours of hard rounds on an empty stomach after and aerobic workout beforehand...and tomorrow there will be two more...we have an understanding...and its easier now that the crush is out of the way...again, it's different for everyone...but I am liking the stability of the deal now alot more than when I was rattling around with repressed feelings...then again, some folks are better at that...and I REALLY respect that...that is nowhere in my make up

[SPratt74]

ya know..today a layer came off...lol..and things are kinda smelly...but ya know that's just the way it goes in all relationships...they are hard ...and generally worth it but sometimes not...today, much akin to peaches post, we just suffered in silence..comp coming...no time for drama...but after all of the past trauma, I feel like we can pretty much weather anything...so it was 4 hours of hard rounds on an empty stomach after and aerobice workout beforehand...and tomorrow there will be two more...we have an understanding...and its easier not that the crush is out of the way...again, its different for everyone...but I am liking the stability of the deal now alot more than when I was rattling around with repressed feelings...then again, some folks are better at that...and I REALLY respect that...that is nowhere in my make up

I'm just impressed how you handled it. I'm not sure if I would have handled it as well as you.

[fascination]

don't get me wrong...I'm still an a$$pain...just not b/c of a crush

[delamusica]

Um.
Relationships are like onions. They have layers and they make you cry when you peel them.
That any good?

T_E


Or here's one:

Love is like an outhouse.

You go in holding your breath, and you come out at lightning speed with your pants around your ankles.

:)

[SPratt74]

don't get me wrong...I'm still an a$$pain...just not b/c of a crush

Oh no biggie. We all can be once in a great while lol.

[pygmalion]

Or here's one:

Love is like an outhouse.

You go in holding your breath, and you come out at lightning speed with your pants around your ankles.

:)

Good one. :lol:

[aShort Affair]

This is being posted under a throw-away name for reasons that will become obvious. I thought about posting these events as they happened, but I was scared because it just seemed too personal. It also involves other people, and until and unless I can tell them how it happened, it’s better if I don’t reveal myself.

Some time ago I experienced a startling increase in my (to put it delicately) biological urges, possibly due to a hormonal imbalance. I felt like a teenager. Of course my SO noticed the difference almost as soon as I did. He got most of the benefits of the change, but there was a certain amount of overflow. I became more alert to the attractions of other men.

The man who has the second greatest amount of physical contact with me is our dance instructor. Like most instructors, he tends to be rather physical. Our lessons involve a lot of touching. I began to notice that when he took my hand, my heart beat faster. Touches that used to be neutral suddenly became intensely personal. I found it hard to concentrate when in dance position. It was worst during private lessons when he held me, not moving, but explaining something to my SO. If he talked to ME I could at least concentrate on trying to absorb what he was saying, and if he started to move I could concentrate on following his lead, but when he just stood there unconsciously holding me while ignoring me it was hard to keep from screaming in frustration. I wanted him to pull me closer at the same time I wanted to pull away. I mentally begged him to shift his hand a few inches or just let me go. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to drag him off to a quiet corner and have my way with him or never see him again.

I don’t know how much I kept hidden or how much I showed. I don’t think my SO noticed. The instructor may have picked up something. If he noticed anything, he must have been confused by the conflicting signals. He has known us long enough to understand I don’t chase other men. He knows my SO and I have a good relationship and we weren’t having problems at that time.

This situation continued for a while – weeks, months – I’m not sure how long. Then my SO had to be out of town when we had a lesson scheduled. I convinced myself people would find it strange if I cancelled, so I went as usual. There were plenty of things to work on without my SO, and I tried to pay attention to what I was supposed to be doing.

That night, at home alone, I wondered whether I had really felt what I thought I felt. At one point had the instructor let his hand touch my hip for two or three seconds when he had no reason to? It was a light touch, so I wasn’t sure whether it had even happened. Then I wasn’t sure whether I liked it. Well, really I did like it, but should I like it? Did I want it to happen again? Most important, what was I going to do about it?

It turned out I didn’t have a lot of choices. The next time I saw the instructor, I knew something had changed. It wasn’t obvious from the outside (I hope), but he put some distance between us. It took me a couple of weeks to figure out. The clearest sign was his ability to avoid me during studio parties. He managed to dance with me once, and only once, each evening. He couldn’t avoid dancing with me altogether, because he was still my instructor and people would definitely notice if we stopped dancing with each other.

I was forced to accept the fact that he didn’t want to get involved. I have no idea whether he blamed me or himself for behaving inappropriately, but in either case he obviously wanted to put a stop to it. I knew it would be best to follow his lead in this. I stopped asking him for dances. I stopped initiating conversations with him. I let myself approach him only when he was already talking to my SO. Again, I don’t think it was obvious to anyone watching because I continued to be friendly, just not quite as friendly as I used to be. We settled into a pattern. I held back and let him decide how much contact to have. The thing I missed most was dancing with him during parties, but he always made sure to ask me once. I wasn’t happy, but I felt safe. I still felt a strong attraction to him, so it seemed better to limit our contact.

This situation continued for a while – again for weeks or months. Then one evening he asked me for a second dance. I assumed he had slipped up somehow, but he asked me again at the next party. I thought back and realized the hormonal thing seemed to have eased off. I was able to walk hand-in-hand with him onto the dance floor without getting all hot and bothered. He occasionally put little sexy embellishments into our dances. I was sooo happy the first time he gave me a nice friendly hug.

Even during my worst moments I knew I wasn’t in love with my instructor. My SO is the love of my life, and my feelings for him didn’t change even with all of this going on. I would never have believed I could be interested in two different men at the same time, but I had to accept what happened. Most of all, I am happy to have survived it without losing a wonderful instructor.

[SlowDancer]

Dang, I'm glad to be post-menopausal and finally rid of all those hormonal surges that used to give me so much grief and despair.

Now when my dance teacher gets flirty with me, I can just enjoy the moment but not think twice about it afterwards. I know that I'm attractive, especially for my age, and that my teacher genuinely enjoys dancing with me and being around me. But I also see the relationship for exactly what it is.

From my own experience, the best way to handle this situation is to be totally aboveboard and professional and assume that your teacher is only interested in a professional student-teacher relationship. He's the one with the most to lose if the rules are breached, so he should be the one to take the initiative. If he never does, then you can safely assume he's not really interested.

But do enjoy those warm fuzzy feelings...those feelings are part of what makes dancing give us such enormous emotional satisfaction...just don't expect anything to come of it.

[Laura]

Half of the studios I've taken lessons at don't have rules about student/teacher interaction. Not that it matters in my case.

I've had random free-floating crushes on a couple of my teachers. How could I not? These are cute guys on good behavior, who can do something that the average guy can't (i.e., DANCE). But obviously I've never done anything about it, being married all these years...and now that I'm about to be no longer married, I'm too old for anything but the dancing :) Oh well! It's fun to gaze at the cute ones though!

[fascination]

Dang, I'm glad to be post-menopausal and finally rid of all those hormonal surges that used to give me so much grief and despair.
when exactly does that happen?;)

But do enjoy those warm fuzzy feelings...those feelings are part of what makes dancing give us such enormous emotional satisfaction...just don't expect anything to come of it.
often difficult to separate the two, hence enjoyment and pain

[LatinDancer006]

I bid $1,000,000 for the unrequited love vaccine!!!!!!! :D

The auction is taking place over at ebay as we speak.

[yippee1999]

I can't say I've actually "fallen" for a teacher, but there are a few I've had where, if I were to have privates with them, I could imagine myself feeling all "warm and fuzzy". That said though, I try to be one of those "sensible" people that thinks with my head, and my head would tell me I just shouldn't even go there.

I think alot of such situations, where someone develops a crush... I'd imagine it's generally the students who fall for their teachers, and not so much the reverse. Or maybe I'm wrong? But I think alot of it stems from a sort of "idolization" of the teacher. And I think it's so easy to imagine, or romanticize about a relationship with them, sorta like some people might do for their boss, their doctor, etc. But fantasy and reality are two very different things.

I personally feel that there are so many lines that could be crossed, so much potential for awkwardness, for misunderstanding, etc., that again, intellectually, I would be really working hard to not even allow myself to go down that road. While I'd recognize and acknowledge an attraction on my part, I'd also remind myself that it more than likely stems from some fantasy thing, and not from reality, and that if I were to have met my teacher under any other circumstances, I very well may not have been attracted to them at all.

[noobster]

if I were to have met my teacher under any other circumstances, I very well may not have been attracted to them at all.That is so true. People who can teach me something interesting have always given me a little thrill; it's as if the excitement of learning the subject bleeds over onto the individual who is teaching it. I have always had crushes on my teachers - no dance teachers yet though, probably because dancing is not what I would call my life's passion. It's irrespective of gender as well; I've had crushes on teachers of both genders.

[SlowDancer]

when exactly does that happen?;)

often difficult to separate the two, hence enjoyment and pain

Umm, for me it was about age 50...of course, you also lose your looks, health, and vitality along with the hormonal voodoo, unfortunately!

:raisebro:

[pygmalion]

Oh Jeez! What happens at 50? :shock: :lol:

[SPratt74]

Umm, for me it was about age 50...of course, you also lose your looks, health, and vitality along with the hormonal voodoo, unfortunately!

:raisebro:

Really lol? I thought that when I turned 30 lol! :D

[SlowDancer]

Oh Jeez! What happens at 50? :shock: :lol:

You stop being at the mercy of your hormones.

And your aches and pains start having their own aches and pains, but don't get me started!

:p

[fascination]

Umm, for me it was about age 50...of course, you also lose your looks, health, and vitality along with the hormonal voodoo, unfortunately!

:raisebro:
well there's a lovely thought...I have other plans

[SlowDancer]

That was meant to be tongue-in-cheek...I don't think any of my pals in the dance community would ever guess my real age because I'm fighting it kicking and screaming, every inch of the way...bring on the Botox and the surgery and whatever else it takes!

Like the Toby Keith song, "I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was!"

And another C&Ws song, "I'm old enough to know better but still too young to care."

No wonder I like country music so much!

:-)

[fascination]

I knew you were kidding...but I've gotta say, I don't plan on doing any of that extra enhancement...to each his/her own, but I want full credit for whatever is still halfway decent on me...and man, I could buy a gown for the cost of just one er...enhancement

[SlowDancer]

Funny you should say that, because I was just thinking that a person could actually get her hips and thighs liposuctioned for the cost of a gown!!! And the liposuction will last a lot longer and make everything you wear look better.

We're all different and that's what makes the world go round...when I was your age (gosh, I can't believe I'm actually using that phrase!) I probably would have sprung for the gown, too.

[fascination]

woman, I am 41....that said, I doubt I will change my mind...have always been a gym rat and kinda proud of it....I like to do things the hard way...still, as I have said before I am the only woman there whose assets are getting smaller...and yea, folks are free to spend their money as they see fit

[SlowDancer]

I'm a gym girl, too, but I promise, there will come a day when things will mysteriously shift around despite your best efforts...and it seemed to happen to me overnight...very weird.

I was still smokin' hot at 41, and I'm sure you are as well...it just takes SO much more work when you are on the other side of 50...unbelievably more.

Ain't no big deal, though...I'm healthy as a horse, have a great career, husband, friends, and of course, dancing...life is very, very good!

And I don't look half-bad for 50+.

:)

[pygmalion]

I'm a gym girl, too, but I promise, there will come a day when things will mysteriously shift around despite your best efforts...and it seemed to happen to me overnight...very weird.

I was still smokin' hot at 41, and I'm sure you are as well...it just takes SO much more work when you are on the other side of 50...unbelievably more.

Ain't no big deal, though...I'm healthy as a horse, have a great career, husband, friends, and of course, dancing...life is very, very good!

And I don't look half-bad for 50+.

:)




You go, girl !!! I have no earthly idea what happens at 50. All I know is that, when it happens, I want to have your attitude!! :D :D

[fascination]

ditto, there...and while not smokin hot...I am proud enough to just ba able to say that I am doggone fit...I'll never know but I reckon that smokin hot is over rated unless everything else is in order...but yea...your attitude over 50 is a good goal, still not goin under a knife though

[JohnWA]

No matter whatever happens, don't fall for your instructor!

I have yet to see a case that has been successful. This situation always ends up in a disaster for both the instructor and the student, with plenty of emotions and broken hearts.

Like someone else pointed out, it's always best to dance am/am. Just treat your instructor as an instructor.

I've found the best way to get over the initial "falling for" syndrome is to get out and dance at as many ballroom parties/events that are organized by local dance studios. That gives you a perspective and you get to meet a number of other amateurs whom you may connect with and eventually fall for. Additionally, it is always a good idea to try out different instructors. I especially respect instructors who have been in the profession for a longer duration, have competed professionally and have solid work ethics.

An instructor with solid integrity and ethics will maintain a decorum. Unfortunately, there are some instructors who are new to the profession and who have yet to develop solid work ethics especially in terms of not making their students feel like they are in love. My personal advice - avoid any instructor who makes you feel like you are in love with him or her. No matter how difficult it may sound - it is best to maintain a professional relationship with your instructor.

Lastly, all the above comes from my own personal experiences where I've seen both sides of the spectrum and in the process gotten hurt and lost a lot of money before I realized that the "falling for" was actually taking me away from my primary goal - learning how to dance!

Hope this helps

[NZ Dancer]

I'm a gym girl, too, but I promise, there will come a day when things will mysteriously shift around despite your best efforts...and it seemed to happen to me overnight...very weird.

I was still smokin' hot at 41, and I'm sure you are as well...it just takes SO much more work when you are on the other side of 50...unbelievably more.

Ain't no big deal, though...I'm healthy as a horse, have a great career, husband, friends, and of course, dancing...life is very, very good!

And I don't look half-bad for 50+.

:)

Once you get to 50 you see the next decade galloping towards you. We're not over the hill, just on top with the best views. Listening to a 3 min dance song, the song lasts 3 mins, but dancing to the same song it is over almost as soon as it started. If time is passing so quickly, is it becasue we are dancing so much? Some guy called Einstein had some ideas about the relativity of time didn't he? I can't post my blog yet but look at my views on dancing at www dot dancetours dot blog dot com You keep rocking on girl. You are just a youngster yet.

[SlowDancer]

Once you get to 50 you see the next decade galloping towards you. We're not over the hill, just on top with the best views.

Thanks, NZ Dancer. I'm going to remember that one!

And welcome to DF!

:raisebro: