I just came here to dance

[pygmalion]

I went out dancing last night, and ran into a really nice guy I'd met before. It was his first ballroom dance, he was there by himself, and there was a huge crowd. So I looked out for him -- introduced him to people, asked him to dance the dances I thought he'd do, etc.

Problem? Now I think he's developing a crush on me. Seriously. :shock: Problems? 1. I'm not interested 2. This guy is also in my weekly salsa classes, so I can't avoid him without being obvious

Now what do I do? I like to be open and friendly with everyone, but every once in a while, I get misread.

How do you handle these situations?

[danceguy]

Hi Pygmalion,

Hmm, that's a tough one. There is a lady in my dancing classes that does to same to me...I can tell she is very interested in me but there is no attraction on my end and its starting to make me somewhat uncomfortable. I dance with her to be polite, but at times I do have to set a boundary and make sure that I'm not accidently leading her on or anything. Usually when I tell a lady I'm not interested they will stop pursuing me...but there was one gal that I had to tell mulitple times...matter of fact everytime I see her she tries again! I admire her persistance...but I'm way past the flattery phase...there's a lot of fish in the sea...why waste your time on someone who isn't interested in you?!?!?! :oops:

As a guy, although it does hurt to be turned down by a lady, I always prefer to be told straight up. If this guy is really coming around a lot and expressing an interest in you, let him know where you stand with him. Or also, something women have done to me in this scenario, is to gently mention that they have a boyfriend in a conversation and I'll get the hint - whether they are really seeing someone or not, that's a signal to me that they are not interested. I've had women do that to me in such a kind hearted way before, in all honesty it does make the let down much easier to bear. I've done it myself when talking to women who come on to me as well.

Set your boundaries and be firm about it - most guys should understand that. :?

Hope this helps,

Sincerely,

SG

[Sagitta]

Pygmalion:

I agree with SG that letting that too friendly guy know you have a great boyfriend is one way of letting people know where you stand. Another suggestion is letting him know that the great thing about dancing is that you enjoy dancing with all the different leads. That it's not like a bar scene where people are constantly trying to pick you up!! (Sends out the message to him that you don't want ANY guy to try and get to know you better that way.)

[DanceMentor]

Oh no...now I know the truth...she doesn't like me...I'm lost!
:lol:

But seriously, I think you should imagine the roles are reversed. How would you want someone to respnd to you if you are attracted to them, but they don't feel the same way?

Hopefully, the guy won't wait around too long. He really should try to find out how you feel by asking you out or something. It took me a while to learn this lesson. It's better to find out sooner than later.

[Adwiz]

Now what do I do? I like to be open and friendly with everyone, but every once in a while, I get misread.

I think more than a few guys take friendliness as a sign of romantic interest. A couple of years ago, when Safeway introduced a policy that cashiers should smile at their customers and call them by name (after seeing it on a club card), they had so many problems with men thinking it was a come-on that they had to back away from the policy. Once a gay man thought I was showing romantic interest in him just because I was friendly. I can't believe that in this day and age, we still have such foolish male responses just to someone being nice, but there it is.

From a man's perspective, I think your best bet is just tell him that you aren't interested as soon as an opportunity to do so presents itself. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets for him.

[salsachinita]

Pygmalion, this happened to me from time to time. I usually picked up the early signs and make efforts to discourage his train of thoughts.

Telling/implying you are seeing someone is always a good one. Once people know where they stand, things clear up and friendships can go from there.

Or I make myself 'busy' in the social scene even when I'm playing the host. For example, I would do the friendly round of introduction, then I'd accept dances from EVERYBODY to show no favoutism there.

Sometimes being friendly also works in my favour.......how do you think I met my new bf :wink: .......?

[Vin]

I have to disagree on one point, if you are not seeing someone don't tell him you are. Just simply say you are not interested, really you do not owe him an explanation. I have had a woman tell me she was not interested without saying they had a bf and I respected her much more for it.
I actually say you should wait it out and see. I have one friend who thought I was interested in her, in reality I was, but more than that I just really enjoy dancing with her. Maybe he is in this boat as well, in that he enjoys dancing with you.

[salsachinita]

I have to disagree on one point, if you are not seeing someone don't tell him you are. Just simply say you are not interested, really you do not owe him an explanation. I have had a woman tell me she was not interested without saying they had a bf and I respected her much more for it.
I actually say you should wait it out and see. I have one friend who thought I was interested in her, in reality I was, but more than that I just really enjoy dancing with her. Maybe he is in this boat as well, in that he enjoys dancing with you.

Excellent point, Vin. I wouldn't tell someone I was seeing someone unless I really was.

Waiting it out is also a good way. You just don't know sometime.

[pygmalion]

I'm not a wait and see type of person. And though I'm not seeing anybody seriously yet, I've been working on that slowly for a couple months (wish me luck over the holidays! :wink: ) And it's entirely possible this guy was just feeling out of his element, since it was his first dance. Hmm. So what I'll probably do is watch what happens in salsa class for the next couple weeks, then tell him directly and nicely, if I feel I have to, that I'm not interested in him. I AM interested in somebody else, after all. :)

[danceguy]

I think many books could be written on the extreme amount of confusion that arises in the ritual of courtship for human beings, especially between different cultures around the world. I was talking with a friend the other day on how I tend to always be misinterpreted by women...its something that never ceases to cause me to ponder what exactly is going on in the minds of some people...

I've found that when I go out of my way to be generally friendly to a woman, regardless if I am attracted to her or not (no romantic intentions whatsoever), they tend to think I am asking them out. I've had this happen several times and stand and listen while the ladies proceed to tell me about their big, tough and utterly handsome boyfriends, leaving me thinking "doesn't she understand that I was just being friendly and saying hello?" :shock:

On the other spectrum, when I really am asking a lady out or expressing romantic feelings, they tend to give me the deer in headlights look. Nothing worse than finally mustering the courage to ask a lady out, only to have her say "excuse me? What did you say?". Or "I had no idea you were interested in me!"

People are strange.

SG

[SDsalsaguy]

People are strange.
Ain't that the truth! :?

[Sarah]

People are strange.
Ain't that the truth! :?
Yep - its amazing the human race hasn't died out yet! :roll:

Cheers
Sarah

[Sagitta]

I've found that when I go out of my way to be generally friendly to a woman, regardless if I am attracted to her or not (no romantic intentions whatsoever), they tend to think I am asking them out.

On the other spectrum, when I really am asking a lady out or expressing romantic feelings, they tend to give me the deer in headlights look.

People are strange.

SG

I am friendly with everyone. Don't "go out of my way" usually. I actually got misread signals - follows thinking I was attracted to them - in swing dancing. Haven't had that in latin dancing yet. Go figure. Probably should do the bolero and rhumba, and never have to deal with misread signals!!

[danceguy]

I am friendly with everyone. Don't "go out of my way" usually. I actually got misread signals - follows thinking I was attracted to them - in swing dancing. Haven't had that in latin dancing yet. Go figure. Probably should do the bolero and rhumba, and never have to deal with misread signals!!

Well it is strange what attracts us to others at times. I remember once back in college I got the biggest crush on a Swedish exchange student for reasons I will never understand. She had absolutely none of the qualities that I look for in a potential girlfriend, and all of my friends kept saying "what do you see in her?" I couldn't answer since I didn't know myself...some kind of odd jungle fever? There was just something so striking about her...I'd get around her and just turn into a pile of jelly. :oops: :oops: :oops:

It took me 2 years to finally muster the courage to ask her out...only to find she wasn't interested. But after I finally expressed myself and got to know her a bit...the infatuation faded and I was able to move on. :P

Next incarnation I think I'll be a monk. :?

Best,

SG

[pygmalion]

:lol: Don't give up on the fairer sex yet, SG! :lol:

But you're right. Attractions are weide things and hard to read. That's why I started this thread -- not because I have any desire to give the whole world an update on my love life LOL. But because it's a real issue, with all the close proximity dancing we do. How DO you read the signals, get through all the distractions, and figure out what's really going on? Not easy. :?