An unpleasant memory crossing my salsa life

[Lucretia]

I was a party last Saturday. An echo from my teens crossed my path. A guy who let me down three times. We didn’t go steady…but he tried again and again to win my heart. But he fooled it up every time.

I knew this guy moved into a village at the coastline. My parents..who live there.. became good friends to his parents. I planed my "revenge" for several years. Not revenge….more like something I could say making him feel uncomfortable. To make him understand what he did to me. To make him understand I hadn’t forgotten.

It took me 11 years before I meet him...at a party a year ago.
Then he didn’t recognize me even when I told him we had seen before. Or perhaps he didn’t want to recognize me. When he asked where I said it was a long time ago in his parents house…a party….and that he probably wouldn’t like to remember that night. It was said as a joke and everyone was laughing. He too… but I left him in a confusing state.

At the party last weekend he stayed away from me all the night until very late. I guess he avoided me. Very very late and after lots of drinks he established contact. Very very obvious since he had to push himself through a crowd to find a seat beside me. He asked if he could sit down. He was very nice…almost as in old times. But I was on my guard all the time.

I didn’t feel any pain when meeting him and I don’t want to talk to him about old times. It was so very long ago. But I felt awkward. The pain comes now afterwards …when I think about those things I never told him. The anger I felt. How disappointed I was. The revenge I never had.

The problem is that he has started up salsa.
I want to go on with all my salsafriends like he was "anyone" else. But he will never be any new nice salsa friend. He will always remind me of pain. And I guess I’m afraid the story will be repeated….but now with his new girlfriend. A girl I like….and I don’t want him to hurt her. He loves all women and cannot say no.

I finally invited him for a dance - I knew he would dare to invite me (he is a newbie). He complained about his lack of skill. He even asked me to backlead him. We had kind of fun although I still was on my guard.

The best thing about this party was my husband!
He was the best dancer of them all …all girls was telling me how great he is and how great I am. We where the best dancers. Truly :banana:

My husband knows the whole story and understands. Not a trace of jealousy. Just support. He is a great man!

I just wonder how I will manage in the future? Will the pain get back?
It has costed me too much already. Should I try to come over it? Should I try to dig it down never to be showed again? I need a strategy for next meeting...

/Luc

[Peaches]

I don't know how old you are, or your whole story. But, nonetheless, I think the best thing for you to do is revel in your husband and family and current happiness, and let bygones be bygones. Forgive without forgetting--as in, you know he let you down in the past, don't make yourself vulnerable like that again, but also try to let go of the past so it can let go of you. Plenty of people make mistakes, and act stupid, and hurt others when they're young and immature.

I'd approach him politely, cordially, and leave it at that. There's rarely cause to be mean or rude to someone, not even for revenge. And in a (small?) salsa scene, you're going to run into each other lots. Don't burn bridges, don't attempt to be best friends, just be polite.

Accept it, and let it go.

It's hard, I know, when scenes are small and you run into the same people over and over again. Especially when you've had a less-than-pleasant experience with someone.

[quixotedlm]

Nope, the pain won't go away unless you want it to.

Here is a story for you, from my own life. See the attached pic - I found that phone diary about 5 minutes ago, when I was cleaning up some mess in my apartment. I saw it and my eyes started watering... I really wanted to throw it away...

When I was a freshman, I was really poor. So poor that I had almost no money in my pockets. I used to live with my parents and go to college every day, about 20 miles away, by bus. This was in India, where living with parents is still a norm for unmarried children, and there are no opportunities for part time jobs (it's slowly changing today, but I was there almost 10 years ago). I used to carry this phone book in my pocket, and kept about 30 Rupees in it, squirreled away from my dad's eyes. It was 'safety' money - just in case I was caught with friends in the cafeteria and I didn't want to be the only one who couldn't afford a cup of coffee or some cheap snacks. (My family made lunch for me - they took care of the basics reliably, including tuition etc. But being poor and broke as a teenager is really _hard_, when you are also a smart guy who always tops the class and hates getting sympathetic looks from pals, and god forbid someone offer to pay for me out of friendliness and charity!!). And it also reminds me of another kind of pain from my past, that of being in an abusive situation the details of which I won't go into here. But that too is long gone, and even those memories and details are starting to fade. Life is good now.

So I just found phonebook, and found the 30 rupees hidden inside it. It's a remider from a long long time ago. It hurts to even look at it. I'm a successful professional today. I earn about 10 times what my dad did, and I never go hungry ever. Heck, I can even afford private lessons for salsa, and a whole lot more.

Maybe I should just throw it away, and go on with the prosperity that I have today. But I can't... I need to keep this painful reminder around, to look at it another day and wallow in self pity, and shed a few tears. Maybe I'll even show it to my kids some day.. maybe even grandkids. The paper is already withering away, so I've photographed it now. And even uploaded it on DF, so it's likely permament. The internet will preserve it for me...

Like you, I just can't bring myself to forget my painful past, and merely focus on the pleasant today. When the past shows up in front of me, I can't tell that ghost that I'm no longer haunted, because I'm not afraid anymore. No, I'm afriad that life will deal me a bad hand all over again, and I scare easily.

So I don't know how to help you in your situation, but you have at least someone who understands how hard it is to let go of our painful past.

[waltzgirl]

Both those memories sound very painful, but to an outside observer, the reminders of them seem to have another meaning as well. They are testimony to your resilience, your ability to go on and achieve something (a happy family, a profession) despite the pain you once experienced. I hope you can think of them that way sometimes, too.

[quixotedlm]

Both those memories sound very painful, but to an outside observer, the reminders of them seem to have another meaning as well. They are testimony to your resilience, your ability to go on and achieve something (a happy family, a profession) despite the pain you once experienced. I hope you can think of them that way sometimes, too.

yeah, stoic endurance almost always gets celebrated by the future as courage, resilience and strength ;)

Although, my point was that the only way the past can affect us is if we allow it to affect us. At the end of the day, it's up to us to feel secure in the present and let go of past.

[Peaches]

Yes, Waltzgirl. That's kind of what I meant, but I guess I just came off sounding flippant.

Quix, your story is vaguely familiar. Top of class, very poor in reality despite some outward appearances. Add shy, and always the new kid, always an outsider, and a good target for ridicule. That was me.

There are certain spans of time which were very painful to me. I was very lonely. I've since been told that teachers and guidance counselors were concerned about me as a suicide risk.

Running into reminders of those times is hard. But with time, I've learned that I survived it. And I'm fine. I'm not alone, not lonely, and actually likeable. The last was a hard thing to learn--it's only been the last couple of years or so that I've been able to believe that anyone actually WANTS me around, instead of just tolerating me.

But I had to learn to accept those hard parts of my life first, and put them in perspective in terms of how they shaped who I am now. Who I'm proud of and happy with.

[samina]

It's a remider from a long long time ago. It hurts to even look at it.

Those rupees are an amazing symbol of your incredible resourcefulness, determination, and success, quixote! :)


Samina

[samina]

The best thing about this party was my husband!

My husband knows the whole story and understands. Not a trace of jealousy. Just support. He is a great man!
/Luc

That was all so long ago, and you're a different person since then, and by the sounds of it, with wonderful hubby in your life, your life is very different too!

My bet is that, if you continue to see this ghost from your past in your current dance community, you will come to see him differently and realize that he was just another lesson learned from long ago... and that you'd never want to be with the likes of him anyway.

He could become a new symbol for you of your maturity and happiness compared to so long ago!

:)

Samina

[Lucretia]

Thank you everyone. I'm reading....I get back later. Have to sleep first....

/luc

[sweavo]

Hi Luc,

I agree with other posters on this. Your best "revenge" is to move on. If I was the guy and you would try to attack me in some way, it would just flatter me. I would just think how I still have some effect on you. Here you are, married, and I can still bother you! Go me!

So you never got your payback, and when you see this person, part of your mind wants to pick up where you left off, and get even. But you need to remind that part of your mind how important that guy is to you, compared with your husband and your friends. That is, not important. He is just some guy who you know a bit about. You moved on and you did just fine without him.

So that's my opinion. Don't make it your business to fix this guy, or even to save anyone from him. Love your man, love your friends, and love your life! The ex has no relevance!

[Shooshoo]

I didn’t feel any pain when meeting him and I don’t want to talk to him about old times. It was so very long ago. But I felt awkward. The pain comes now afterwards …when I think about those things I never told him. The anger I felt. How disappointed I was. The revenge I never had.


It's interesting to read this Lucretia.
I can relate to your story. But thank god the guy didn't start salsa, so I don't need to see him except occasionally, and it's been 15 years. But I get to feel bitter cause he found someone who he loves and the family I always wanted, even though I know I wouldn't have found my happiness with him either cause we were not really good for each other.
And I also never took my revenge. But it's not my nature to do so and he didn't hurt me intentionally for him to deserve any revenge either so what can one do?
What would I do if he starts salsa? :-? Every one here says just to let go, but I must admit I'm not sure how. I know I would probably be friendly to him (and his girlfriend) , but I wouldn't want to get any close, or in your case affect your relationship with your husband. Maybe when you end up seeing him more often you'll grow out of it.
But if he had played with your feelings (and plans to do that now, he might have not grown up), don't give him the satisfaction that he has an affect on you.