frustration, gratitude, humility, humiliation

[suek]

I was gonna post this in the competition thread I started in the swing forum, then decided it was more of a global rant and put it here. I'm asking in advance for your support, my DF friends, as I'm having a tough time with dance and my progress tonight.

Just home from an hour or so of social dance, and feeling frustrated, having fallen into that old seductive trap of comparing myself to the dancers who have what I want so bad, and feeling sorry for myself for not getting asked to dance as much as I'd like, and for being turned down for dances. Led to musings on what I've got, what I don't have and how I can summon the guts/chutzpah/insanity to keep on going:

My tai chi teacher used to talk about two factors that affected how quickly one progressed through the levels (no belts, no testing in my school; all progress was by teacher approval--basically the continuous ongoing unspoken test): those factors were Time and the Art. "Time" being diligent, consistent practice, showing up for classes and workshops, etc. "The Art" being that innate talent. Just like it was for me in tai chi, I've invested and am continuing to invest plenty of Time in this dance passion of mine. Sadly there's not much Art to back it up. And that makes it SO frustrating. Damon has even said as much in a private last week. He said there's a real difference between my competency in a class/lesson setting and the social setting. In a class I'm more present, sharper and more technically competent; three things which seem to evaporate or at least get weaker when I'm social dancing. I want to be technically proficient, yes. But I want that juicy passionate musical joyful unthinking creative stuff too!

I know it's a matter of attitude, that I can look around the social dance floor and be grateful for the dances I'm offered. Self-pity is one option, gratitude is another option; it's my choice. Spiritually speaking, all this is an example of the big life lesson about thriving where I'm planted, of appreciating what I have, about not comparing my insides to other people's outsides. And that's my internal attitude adjustment opportunity. I try very very hard never to turn to someone (at a dance for example) and say, Damn, there's no one here! Instead I try to smile, enjoy the dance I'm offered, pay attention to my partner, not look at my watch, not look over his or her shoulder to see what else is going on, who the person who just turned me down for a dance is now dancing with....you get the picture? (BTW, this behavior does not come naturally to me; I've been working for years now on overcoming that old stuff.)

But that little voice inside me, the one that belongs to the part of me that's carrying all that baggage about rejection and not being good enough, that part of me is having a tough time keeping a smile going, being positive, cutting myself slack for my progress (my internal critic is relentless...can you relate?).

I wonder if dance competition may be a mistake for me at this point since I'm so invested in how good I am...I really would like to be able to just have fun. At the same time, I don't want to just give up because it's hard and because I have old buttons that are getting pushed and old behaviors that are getting in the way of my joy.

And then there are some dancers on the social dance floor who just don't help. Asked a fellow to dance tonight. Saw him dancing balboa earlier, our song was fast, I became somehow incapable of asking him to do bal, he led fast lindy, I didn't find a way to connect with him very well and he couldn't get away from me fast enough at the end of the dance. I'd like to figure out how to toughen up some, so that other people's negativity bounces off me and I only take in the good comments, smiles and compliments. Gotta reverse the polarity on my "flypaper"...get it to grab and adhere to the good stuff and repel the bad instead of the other way around!

Okay, enough. I'm asking a lot of your tolerance and patience. So thanks in advance. Some of you will be able to relate, I know. And for those of you who are and have been happily well adjusted your whole life and just don't get all this, oh well.

[SDsalsaguy]

Sue... unfortunately I don't have the time to respond tonight (I was just about to sign off when I saw your post), but I can *so* relate! Hang in there... I'll try and follow up when I get a chance tomorrow.

*hugs*

[pygmalion]

Oh sue. I love you so much. And since I can relate, I suspect there's little I can say that won't sound like a cliche. Sweet, but a cliche.

But what the heck, good comfortable cliches are what I'm here for. :wink: Or I can try a counter-rant. Yup, counter-rant is definitely the way to go.

Cut it out. Stop doing this to yourself. What the heck do you mean, no art to back it up? First, who says being asked to dance is a good measure of your dance ability? Wrong. People ask others to dance when they feel comfortable. It may be because you're TOO GOOD that they're not asking you. Had you thought about that possibility? Second, ask somebody else to dance, missy. If you want to do a balboa, when you ask, be specific. "Care to balboa?" works.

Third, you're a damn good dancer. Anybody can tell that by the way you talk, the issues you understand, and the fact that at least one of your teachers, a very critical guy who shall remain nameless, said so. Fourth, the dance competition may be just what you need. Obviously it's your choice, but I think you'll be surprised how much accomplishment you'll feel if you commit to the comp, get a partner, practice your butt off, and do it. Nothing like it to make you feel good about yourself.

And no, you're not maladajusted in any way. We perfectionists have these moments of utter and complete failure to appreciate ourselves. It happens. The thing is, just because you don't appreciate yourself at the moment doesn't make you worthless. None of us is fooled by this. You're one fine lady, and a good dancer, and don't give me any crap about you being otherwise.

So there! :wink:

[suek]

Oh sue. I love you so much. Jenn, I love you too. And you've made me cry. Good relieved tears. And what are you doing up at 3:20 am missy?:roll: And since I can relate, I suspect there's little I can say that won't sound like a cliche. Sweet, but a cliche. But what the heck, good comfortable cliches are what I'm here for. :wink: Or I can try a counter-rant. Yup, counter-rant is definitely the way to go. Wow. I was expecting the comforting long-distance hugs and pats stuff (I would definitely NOT call them cliches), and instead I got this totally unexpected *******ing loving dope slap. I'm stunned.
Cut it out. Stop doing this to yourself. What the heck do you mean, no art to back it up? First, who says being asked to dance is a good measure of your dance ability? Wrong. Hmm. Interesting. People ask others to dance when they feel comfortable. It may be because you're TOO GOOD that they're not asking you. Had you thought about that possibility? I can't even GO there, not yet. I promise to work on the idea. I promise. Second, ask somebody else to dance, missy. If you want to do a balboa, when you ask, be specific. "Care to balboa?" works.Yup gotta work on those communication skills. Assertiveness clearly lacking in this case.
Third, you're a damn good dancer. Anybody can tell that by the way you talk, the issues you understand, and the fact that at least one of your teachers, a very critical guy who shall remain nameless, said so. I am trying so hard not to argue this with you. Instead, as an experiment, I shall let your good words just wash right into me, whether they're true or not!
Fourth, the dance competition may be just what you need. Obviously it's your choice, but I think you'll be surprised how much accomplishment you'll feel if you commit to the comp, get a partner, practice your butt off, and do it. Nothing like it to make you feel good about yourself. And no, you're not maladajusted in any way. We perfectionists have these moments of utter and complete failure to appreciate ourselves. It happens. The thing is, just because you don't appreciate yourself at the moment doesn't make you worthless. None of us is fooled by this. You're one fine lady, and a good dancer, and don't give me any crap about you being otherwise. So there! Thank you from the bottom of every cell in my body. I'm going to bed in much better shape than when I got home.

[d nice]

I've said a few of these before...

Pay attention this time! ;)

1. do NOT compare yourself to others... they are them, you are you. You will NEVER be able to achieve what they can, and they can Never achieve what you can. The only measuring stick that matters is yourself. Stop looking at others for how far you have to go, but instead look at yourself and how far you have come.

2. see a dermatologist... you need thicker skin. People are often cruel in an unthinking waty. Some are cruel out of pleasure... Those people are noty good people and you should realize their comments and actions are coming from a place of disatisfaction with themselves. Those who do it unthinking, do it without malice. You've done it, I've done it, Mother Theresa probably did it. If the was no intent to injure why nurish it? Sometimes people don't want to dance with me. It has always been that way and it always will. I don't assume that my dancing level has anything to do with it. You need to either let the negativity you perceive fuel you to achieve new heights or to pass over you, leaving you untouched.

3. stop fretting, this... is... just... dancing. Gasp! Shocking but true. Its a social activity we are suppposed to be engaging in to have fun. Focusing on the negative is self-defeating. Get with the program. Enjoy what you have, strive for more, but don't attempt to get some sort of sense of selfworth by how others percieve your dancing, hell or even how you percieve your dancing. If you can never get the perfect swing-out will that somehow minimize the accomplishments you've made in your life, or those that you will? I didn't think so.

4. if you insist on joining the ranks of the certifiabley insane and decide to persue dancing as something more than afun way to spend some time and take it as far as an "art for" recognize that artists are rarewly appreciated by their peers or even in their own "time". Artists must experience the full range of life and emotion, those highs and lows experienced during the pursuit of art are often a stronger influence on our self-expression through out than events far more powerful in our life. Congratulations, the inmates are running the asylum... its official you are on your way to being an artiste de le Lindy Hop.

This post of tough love has been brought to you buy the letters Q and Y and the number 3.

[Danish Guy]

People ask others to dance when they feel comfortable. It may be because you're TOO GOOD that they're not asking you. Had you thought about that possibility? I can't even GO there, not yet. I promise to work on the idea. I promise.

This is very true. Until you got some experience and self-esteem as a leader, asking one of the better followers to dance can be pretty scarring. :oops:


I certainly can relate. Sometimes I get the feeling, that I just cant dance. Sometimes it passes, other time it stays, and I leave early. This takes the top of the fun, and I’m dancing because it’s fun. But I always come back. 8)


Be careful to use the ranking of a competition to evaluate you as a social dancer. This is two different things. Maybe joining a show team can give you something.


“world-class follow in training”
This tagline says all about dedication. :D :wink:


*Hugs*

[KevinL]

Sue,

We've all had hard times dancing at one time or another. I was going to write a nice reply, but d nice said everything that needs to be said.

Don't compare yourself to others.
Deal with frustrations. (Most salespeople know it takes 7 contacts to get a sale. Every time you ask someone to dance and they say, "no", you are that much closer to the 7th person whop will say "yes".)
It's just dancing! It's supposed to be fun, not stressful!

I hope you are having a better day today,

Kevin

[pygmalion]

Yup, sue. I hope you have a better day today. See? Even my rants come with hugs after. Hugs, sweetie. The thing is, we're all working hard at becoming the kind of dancers we want to be, and that's discouraging sometimes, plain and simple. Somedays will be easy, other MONTHS will be like banging your head against a brick wall. We just have to have faith that we're going to break through. I know you will.

Much love, and more hugs.

Jenn

[Sagitta]

*Hugs* Plenty of them!!

Social dancing really is about having fun. That's it. Something does not work you improvise to make the dance go on and do something else. I make it a point never to critique myself while having fun. If I realize certain things don't work then I will work on them later.

I heard this said about a really good salsa dancer, who's always out there. "He does not care about me. He does his moves and expects me to follow. He has a big ego. Do you want to dance." (I didn't really realize this until just the other day, so you never know. Comparing yourself to others is a LOSERS GAME. When I did it I suffered. When I stopped I flourished!) That leader in your bad dance should have tried to figure out what works for you two! Perhaps he is just a big ego who wants to do things his way? But, then you NEVER asked!!

[salsachinita]

*HUGS* Sue!

I can SO relate to how you felt. I go through the same thing from time to time. Sometimes it's just too hard NOT to take it personally....

There are some first class advise here, so I won't pretend that I have something more to offer......but I find that your mind can determine how good your night ends up.

We know that nothing is permenant. Great nights or shocking nights out dancing won't last either way. It's just one night, no more, no less. The following night would be a complete new adventure.......it's kinda exciting NOT knowing how things would turn out :P !

I am sure you are feeling better by now....... :wink:

[suek]

Phew. Okay. What I realized as I went to bed last night was that this rejection in dancing stuff is reflecting back to me some of the other realities in my life that are challenging me right now. I'm a business owner and just lost my big (80% of my income) client before the holidays. Have been quite anxious about that. (Duh.)

3. stop fretting, this... is... just... dancing. Gasp! Shocking but true. Its a social activity we are suppposed to be engaging in to have fun. Focusing on the negative is self-defeating. Get with the program. Enjoy what you have, strive for more, but don't attempt to get some sort of sense of selfworth by how others percieve your dancing, hell or even how you percieve your dancing. If you can never get the perfect swing-out will that somehow minimize the accomplishments you've made in your life, or those that you will? I didn't think so.I've been wanting dancing to be safe and secure and to not only protect me from my reality (dancing as an escape? shocking) but to strengthen me for the upcoming sales efforts to rebuild my business. So in my fantasy dancing is the place where everyone is my ally, in my corner, rooting for me, yadda yadda. Instead it's oh **** just like life in far too many aspects.

4. if you insist on joining the ranks of the certifiabley insane and decide to persue dancing as something more than afun way to spend some time and take it as far as an "art form" recognize that artists are rarely appreciated by their peers or even in their own "time". Artists must experience the full range of life and emotion, those highs and lows experienced during the pursuit of art are often a stronger influence on our self-expression through out than events far more powerful in our life. Congratulations, the inmates are running the asylum... its official you are on your way to being an artiste de le Lindy Hop.yeah I want it all and I want it bad.

This post of tough love has been brought to you buy the letters Q and Y and the number 3.God bless you Damon. You make me laugh hard! And cry at the same time.

Deal with frustrations. (Most salespeople know it takes 7 contacts to get a sale. Every time you ask someone to dance and they say, "no", you are that much closer to the 7th person whop will say "yes".)See? This is the part that's like my life. I'm gearing up for those 7, 14, 21, sales calls and I'm scared.

It's just dancing! It's supposed to be fun, not stressful! I think my only hope here (watch out: epiphany coming!) is to expand this to It's just business! It's supposed to be fun, not stressful! I heard this yesterday: What would you do today if you knew you couldn't fail? I'm going to tattoo this to my eyeballs. No. But I will make it pretty and put it on my mirror. And affirm it before I make those cold calls and before I go out dancing.

I love you guys. Thanks for the love and dope slaps.

[KevinL]

Deal with frustrations. (Most salespeople know it takes 7 contacts to get a sale. Every time you ask someone to dance and they say, "no", you are that much closer to the 7th person who will say "yes".)See? This is the part that's like my life. I'm gearing up for those 7, 14, 21, sales calls and I'm scared.

Do you actually make sales calls? I couldn't tell what you do when I visited your website.

(A couple of points about your website. First, I think it is odd that "thinking outside the box" is completely _inside_ the dark purple box. Shouldn't at least one of the phrases be peeking outside of the purple box? If not be completely outside the box? Second, it's great that (even though the site isn't done) the first thing you did was make a "contact" page. In my opinion, though, it would be better if the link went to a page that listed all your contact information (ie phone) where customers could contact you directly. Part of the purpose of a website is to give information, part of the purpose is to let potential customers contact you. Email is great, but some people want the voice contact.)

It's just dancing! It's supposed to be fun, not stressful! I think my only hope here (watch out: epiphany coming!) is to expand this to It's just business! It's supposed to be fun, not stressful! I heard this yesterday: What would you do today if you knew you couldn't fail? I'm going to tattoo this to my eyeballs. No. But I will make it pretty and put it on my mirror. And affirm it before I make those cold calls and before I go out dancing.

I love you guys. Thanks for the love and dope slaps.

I don't know what a dope slap is, but if I did it, and you liked it, you're welcome, 8^)

Two more bits of advice about cold calls. First, stand up when you make the calls, it will give you more energy. Second, smile before you call. People will be able to hear the difference through the phone lines. Try it, you'll see, 8^)

Kevin

[Spitfire]

Just hang in there Suek, we've all gone through this. None of us is born a dancer.