Don't Aim So High, Because...

[salsarhythms]

======= April 13th 1979 ========

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!" he said in a tone
that only an 11 year old boy could produce.

"Yes I know son, I'm starving too, but hey you're mom's
cooking is always worth it."

"I guess so...oh hey dad guess what?!?!?" he exclaimed
with his eyes so wide open you could almost read his
mind...

"What?"

"CARLITO!!! Come help me out!!!" yelled out his mother. She
just needed a second of Carlos' time. He hated the name
Carlito though, he felt he was already old enough to be called
by his real name...the one on his birth certificate.

"It's Carlos ma!! I'll be right there!! Hey pop, I'll be
right back... you need anything from the kitchen?"

"No, but let me know if you need any help with
your mom."

"I don't think so, I could handle it dad, just sit and relax"

His day started just like any other, except, that this one
was different...this day he'd learn something. Something
indeed.

"So anyway like I was saying pop, guess what?"

"What is it?"

"Yesterday in school they started talkin about college
and stuff...well I was talkin to coach and he said that
with the way I play I could get into college through
a scholarship or somethin...not sure what it is, but I
know I don't have to pay for it!" he was pretty excited
because he knew for a fact his dad was proud.

"Hey Carlito..."

"It's Carlos pop!!"

Smiling, "Ok, I'm sorry, Carlos listen, nothing in life
is free, nothing"

"I know that pop, but I've been playing and practicing
for as long as I know, so I've been paying for it"

"Mijo, why don't you just work hard in school and study
hard and then maybe you could get into community
college and then take it from there" added his mom.

"Why would I want to do that when I've got the chance
to go straight into a good college...and of course I have
to work on my grades, it's just that I need to add my
talent on the court to make it better for me" now he was
getting a bit frustrated.

"No one is saying that it won't be better, but why are you
concentrating on playing a game? Listen, that's your
problem, you've always been a dreamer, you've gotta
realize that life is not like that, it's not all pretty. Don't
set yourself up for failure..."

"What makes you think I'll fail pop?"

"I'm not saying you'll fail, just don't aim so high, you'll
just be dissapointed"

"Whatever, I know I'm good..." he said to himself...hardly
audible by his parents.

"What was that Carlos?"

"Nothing dad...nothing"

======= August 27th 1989 ========

"Carlos, get into my office right now!!"

"Yes sir, what do you need?"

"Listen Carlos, this is the third time this week
that you come in late..."

"I'm so sorr..."

"No! No more excuses. Listen if you can't get
here on time, I'll just have to find someone who
can...know what I mean? Oh and the personal
phone calls are ending...today, not tomorrow, not
next week, today!"

"Yes sir...sorry about that"

======= 13 hours later ========

"Here you go baby, it's your favorite"

"Thanks mamita, how was Junior today?"

"Not bad, his fever was up all day, but not
too bad."

"Oye mamita, I've gotta make a move, I mean
I can't work at that place all my life, besides
this isn't the life that want for you and Junior"

"Ok there you go Carlos, dreaming again. Please
don't do that, we can't afford for you to be without
work, besides, you never went to college, what are
you gonna do that's so different?"

"Coño mami, you're supposed to be by my side.
You know I'm not gonna do anything to hurt us, but
I need you by my side."

"Well, whatever, just think about what you would do
if you fail."

"What makes you think I'll fail? I know I can do it"
he said to himself.

======= February 18th 1995 ========

"I'm telling you pop, I know it will work trust me
it has to work!"

"Carlito...I mean Carlos, why are you doing this?
Listen you've got a good job that pays well, just
be greatful for that...besides what makes you think
you can compete with the others? Both of these companies
have been around a long time, what makes you so
special?"

"But pop, why can't you see that..."

"Listen bro, I just don't think this is going to work..."
added his best friend Fred "I mean you know I got
your back, but you've just got too much to lose."

"Hey Freddy, out of everyone I thought you'd be
on my side!"

"Bro, I am, but you just not thinking straight man,
you just gotta realize that big business isn't for
people..."

"What, people like what man? Like us? Hispanics?
or from the ghetto, or what man? Besides, this isn't
about big business, it's about my business."

"It don't matter bro, why you gonna risk it? What
if you fail?"

"What makes you think I'll fail?"

================================

What do you think Carlos did?

He did the same thing...nothing.

Not a damn thing, and all because, like most people
he let's other people's opinions and criticisms and his
own fears get in the way of his desire.

Why do I write this story?

To show you something.

The people around you, your family, your friends
the ones who love you, will always have good
intentions...even when the advice is all wrong.

Basically, no one, (if they love you) wants to see you fail
so of course any time you try something new
you will be discouraged.

The same goes for salsa dancing.

I'm sure that when you first started a lot of your friends
thought that perhaps you couldn't do it, or that you
were not "coordinated enough", or whatever.

Maybe they expressed these feelings, or perhaps
they kept it to themselves...but you knew.

You knew that deep down inside they were thinking this.

At that point, you could have stopped...

But you didn't.

You're hear because you haven't stopped.

So don't let anything stop you. Anything or anyone
for that matter.

Remember, you will always have people around you
giving you their opinions, don't listen to them...continue
doing what you're doing regardless of what others might
say.

This holds true for anything you do in life.

Do what's right for you, not what you think is right
for everyone else.

And don't take failure as failure...take it as a learning
opportunity.

If you go out to the club and you don't dance well
that night...don't worry about it. Just review what you
did and think of ways to improve it.

But don't take it as a failure...think of it as a way to
learn something you didn't know before.

Think of all the times that people arround you discouraged
you...now think of where you'd be if you hadn't listened...

Where would you be?

Like I said, keeping going forward...in whatever you want
to do...

[jenibelle]

:friend:
Fernando:
I had tears in my eyes after reading that. It really hit home for me.
When I started (even before I started), EVERYONE doubted me. My so-called friends would laugh in my face, calling me "uncoordinated," "awkward," and "ungraceful."
They would say things like "dancing takes a lot of talent you don't have" or worse "Don't quit your day job!" on seeing me dance. (NO joke...this is what I dealt with!)

Though I knew deep inside what I was capable of, those comments resounded inside my head for a long time. I began in September and through my heart and soul into it. I went through huge ups and downs in a very short time and it is only recently that the remaining echoes of that initial negativity have died away.

From now on, it's onward and upward for me! And my "friends" from before have now seen me perform in public :D :D

Thanks again Fernando!
MWA! besito. :oops: :oops:

Jeni :)

[salsarhythms]

Jeni,

Remember, it's not that they don't mean well, I mean
I'm sure they do...sometimes we care so much for
people that we actually say the wrong things.

In their own way, they didn't want you to fail, and felt
that since you probably would, that they had to "warn"
you first so that you wouldn't go through the pain.

Well, obviously, you're still here so they were wrong.

But not only that, this shows you how powerful the
words of others are.

The reason why you kept going is very simple, your
desire to do well was greater than the fear and the
criticism you received.

Most of the time, our fear of criticism is so huge that
it's bigger than any other desire.

What I would do is this:

When you're planning on taking something on, or doing
something different...keep your mouth shut! :D

Don't tell anyone, not friends, not family, not anyone.

Make sure that it is what you want to do and surround
yourself with people that have similar goals (like this
forums, it's full of people that have the same goals).

There's a saying, and it goes like this:

"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Basically, get it done first, and then show off to your
friends and family...but don't forget to surround yourself
with people that will help you attain your goal.

[peachexploration]

......What I would do is this:

When you're planning on taking something on, or doing
something different...keep your mouth shut! :D

Don't tell anyone, not friends, not family, not anyone.

Make sure that it is what you want to do and surround
yourself with people that have similar goals (like this
forums, it's full of people that have the same goals).

There's a saying, and it goes like this:

"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Basically, get it done first, and then show off to your
friends and family...but don't forget to surround yourself
with people that will help you attain your goal.

Thanks as always SalsaRhythms! I really needed an encouraging story today. Can certainly identify. I know from experience that sometimes keeping your goals and/or life desires to yourself until they come to fruition (or not) can be a plus. It will keep you focused. To throw you off balance sometimes all it takes is a discouraging word especially from your loved ones who mean well. :D :D

[danceguy]

Great story Fernando, thank you for sharing.

I think I've lost count of the large obstacles in my life that I've overcome, with people saying "you can't", "you shouldn't", or "why?" while I've ignored their words and proved them wrong. A lot of times, when people tell me this, it gives me all the more resolve to reach my goals.

It's amazing what people can accomplish when they put their minds to it. :wink:

[vey]

Thanks Fernando, I needed it today :!:

I would only add that sometimes it doesn't have to be our loved ones who stop us, sometimes we do it ourselves (out of fear of failure, lack of self-confidence etc, or may be when we just do not want it bad enough?).

Also, it's amazing how far a person can go driven just by a desire to prove to himself that he can do it...

[pygmalion]

Another really touching story, Fernando. And so true. I have personal experience with this, which I can't share. Too personal, and it makes me cry.

But I will say that that's why I've become who I am -- other people's negativity made me understand how important it is for me to be positive and supportive of others.

Thank you.

[jenibelle]

When you're planning on taking something on, or doing
something different...keep your mouth shut! :D

Don't tell anyone, not friends, not family, not anyone.

Make sure that it is what you want to do and surround
yourself with people that have similar goals (like this
forums, it's full of people that have the same goals).

There's a saying, and it goes like this:

"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it."

Basically, get it done first, and then show off to your
friends and family...but don't forget to surround yourself
with people that will help you attain your goal.

That's excellent advice...and I'm only just learning to follow it! Sometimes I do need to keep my mouth shut, and not just in that kind of situation, which is something I'm workin' on ;)

You're totally right: silence is the word of the day!

Jeni

[MapleLeaf Salsero]

Hi Fernando,

This reminds me of when I first started dancing salsa. I was definitely the worst in my class. I was very ackward and the girls in my class dreaded dancing with me. Obviously this didn´t much for my ego. What was worse was that in the salsa clubs they would refuse to dance with me. Even when they did accept, they would look at me with that "I´d much rather receive 50 lashes" look.

Anyhow, this got me mad and actually encouraged me to go on. I really wanted to prove them wrong. After a lot of hard work and dedication I got better. Now most of the girls that wouldn´t dance with me, contantly look at me with that "please dance with me, if you don´t it will be worse than receiving 50 lashes" look. Hmm........ :D

[SDsalsaguy]

Fernando, I already have said what a great post I think this was… but I also want to point out, as vey suggests, that our own, internalized fears and insecurities are truly our greatest barriers.

I’ve been looking, on and off, for a ballroom partner for the past year+. I’ve spoken to many, tried out with some, and even started practicing with a few. For various reasons none have been the right fit just yet. I bumped into one local woman at a competition several hours away over the summer and found out that she was in the midst of trying out new partners, but leaning towards turning pro. Well, this fall I saw she had an ad up on one of the international ballroom sites but, knowing that she dances above my current level, I used her comment about leaning towards going pro as an excuse not to contact her. I actually did jot down her e-mail address and phone #, but, if I’m being honest with myself, used the “pro” thing as an excuse not to follow up. Well, a couple of months go by and I learn that she’s now starting to dance with another local amateur who’s vaguely around the same level as I am . . . and, as far as I am aware, she’s the one who approached him because having a local partner turned out to be quite important to her.

I actually bumped into her in one of the local studios last weekend and we had a great chat. I really think we would have been great as dance partners, in the full sense of the word. Sure, my dancing would need to come up to her level, but just how the conversation flowed, etc., really struck me.

Nothing ventured is often far more than just nothing gained, it often corresponds to something lost. D I know that she and I would have worked out? Of course not! Do I even know if she would have been interested or considered it? Again, no. But the point is that now I will never know, because I let my own fears and insecurities serve as obstacles and barriers rather than taking that chance to succeed.

[salsarhythms]

Hey SD,

This is true...but consider this...

We are NOT born with fears and insecurities...they are placed
there as we grow and mature.

The only natural feel we are born with is the fear of falling...

Other than that fear, every other fear is learned.

The fact that she was a "pro" turned you off because you did
not feel like you deserved to give yourself the title of "pro".

This isn't about some governing body, or some committee...this
was about you not wanting to give yourself that title because you
felt you didn't deserve it...

Know what I mean?

Of course these fears are internal, but they are there because
of how we grow up and the conservative nature that our parents
and those around us grow up as well.

Something as simple as telling someone that they can't do something
or that they are not good enough, especially if it comes from someone
that you hold very dear, can have very serious effects like the one
you displayed...

Another interesting thing to note here is that a simple, 3-letter word
(i.e. "Pro") struck a subconsious chord with you. Although you may
not have thought about it, your subconcious mind started to work
around that word "pro" and gave to your concious mind some very
negative feelings...hence your reluctance to even try.

Yes, these fears are internal, but let us also be aware of where
they come from. That way, we, all of us, can be very careful in
how we communicate to others (especially our children) so that
they don't have to go through such experiences.

And finally, I wrote an article here called "Elephants Never Forget"
go and read it because it talks a lot about that.

We have to get to the point where we can re-train ourselves from
the bad habits that we may have.

You don't know where you would have been had you responded to
her, but I can tell you that it would have been a very positive experience
for you.

Now, just because this happened, it shouldn't stop you.

Keep going out there in your search, except that this time, don't
let anything put you off...

[SDsalsaguy]

You know that I whole-heartedly agree with you Fernando. I think the point I was trying to emphasize was that it is important not only not to listen to the negativity we hear from others but, also, not to listen to the negativity we "hear" from ourselves...

[salsarhythms]

Oh yes, you are 100% right on... :D

[MapleLeaf Salsero]

SD, in my opinion that fact that this girl is more advanced than you in ballroom (or leaning towards pro) doesn’t have much relevance. If you look at it in an objective way, you realise that you already know how to dance salsa, bachata, merengue, some ballroom, etc. This means you have a dance background. You know the timing, you can flow with the music, you can feel the energy of fast songs, groove to the slow songs, progress quickly, etc. This is something that is not easy to find. Besides this, at least from what I read from your posts, you have the right attitude regarding dancing in general, I mean you are a mature dancer because you understand things that most people will never understand no matter how long they dance.

I once danced with a girl for the first time and before we started dancing she told me that she had her first salsa lesson that week. She refused my dance invitation at first (was afraid to go on the dance floor), but luckily her friend, with whom I dance with sometimes told her, “dance with him, he is my friend”. After the song was over, she said to me with a big smile “I had no idea I could do so many patterns”. This was a great compliment to me. While I was dancing with her I noticed that she was very smooth, responded well to my lead, was open minded, was enjoying the dance, had very flexible arms and was light on her feet. She was good! I could obviously see that she had no background in salsa but I didn’t care!! I enjoyed the dance. If I were searching for a partner I would definitely choose her over tons of other girls I know that have much more experience.

Anyways, having said this, I must be honest, if I were in the same situation as you, I probably would have turned down the opportunity also. This has to do with my own personal insecurities in dancing. That was one of the reasons I was a slow learner in salsa. I always felt insecure and intimidated with more advanced dancers, I preferred dancing with girls lower than my level. I’m a bad example!!!

SalsaRhythms, your post was great! Very inspiring and motivating! These are things we need to hear once in a while.

Regards,

[MapleLeaf Salsero]

Have I told you guys what my New Year’s Resolution is yet? I’m going to start dancing with girls that are more advanced than me. I have already started! This way I will progress faster. I am becoming more open minded about theses things…

[Vince A]

Good luck . . . remember . . . most New Year's resolutions last only a few weeks . . .

[MapleLeaf Salsero]

Good luck . . . remember . . . most New Year's resolutions last only a few weeks . . .

You´re right Vince. :lol: This has happened to me several times. I remeber one of my New Year´s resolutions was to stop smoking. Well, I tried... :oops:

Anyhow, I´m hoping that in this case it won´t happen. I´m really need to dance with the local "best" in order to improve my salsa technique. I realized that I have reached a stagnation plateau in my dancing and I need to progress more. :( I´m not satisfied with my level, I want more...

Regards,

[Sagitta]

[Note that this is not a rant directed at you Mapleleaf salsero. I just like to get on my soapbox ever so often, and last night's events rekindled my urges once again.]

And speaking of last night. I had a couple follows say that they were waiting for me to ask them to dance?? (Apparently I looked good out on the dance floor and as they felt that they couldn't dance to my level they didn't want to ask me!! :shock: ) I'm not sure what is up with that!! (If you don't dance with good dancers then how can you expect to get better. We all start not knowing anything!! We all have asked/danced with those more davanced then ourselves and got better in the process.) I scolded them and told me to ask me next time. Well they didn't, even after that, but I did ask them again as it is nice to feel wanted. :)

I understand, but I really don't understand this reticence. Just think. If people asked others when they wanted a dance, rather then holding back, just imagine how much more fun there would be?

Leaders hesitate to ask, follows sit down and wait for a dance...sometimes I do almost everything but join two people's hands together for a dance...I take a leader and say, "You see that girl? She'll dance with you." He says, "She is more advanced then me. She will hate dancing with me." I say, "Just ask her and do one dance. She doesn't bite. I've danced with her." He says next dance and he just sits down, and never asks her to dance. :( :cry: