Has anyone ever felt lost???

[SPratt74]

I was just wondering if at any given moment if anyone here has ever felt lost? I can't say that I'm depressed, but I'm not happy with my life right now. I used to have a professional job, a guy that wanted to marry me, and a life. But I've always had to take care of people to where now I have no idea where or what to do next.

I applied for that job, and I don't know if I have it or not yet. It's just that I don't have a good feeling about it now. I don't know why, but the longer I wait I think of all of the other applicants that have a better shot than me. And I think why did everything that was once good have to come to an end? And now it's like I'm struggling, and I'm not one to ask for any help at all. I don't want the help. I can do this myself. It's just why do things work out in certain ways?

You know my best friend asked me why I don't like a friend of his, and I got to thinking about it. If I had the chance of life like what she does, I would do so much with my life that I would take up every interest possible. But that's just not my life. All she does is shop all day and waste her time doing nothing. Well, she does work a bit, but parties mostly, and it drives me insane. And I keep thinking, why not do something more useful when life is so short to begin with?

I'm just lost I guess. I once had a stable life, and now it seems as though I don't have anything (well, not what I used to have). The things that I do enjoy cost me money as to which I can't say that I don't have the money to get what I want, but I don't have enough of it is what I'm trying to say. And the jobs that I can get are in the field as to which I don't care for any more. If I could go back to school... I would. It's just that I'm already in debt with loans that even the money that I have won't pay them off in full even though it will pay off some.

And going through what I went through last year didn't help any. I mean yes I tend to think of myself as a strong person, but only because I want to hold onto things that are actually working out for me. And when those things didn't work out, then it was like what next? Why me? And how selfish to think why me when others are in worse conditions than I am? And I do feel strong for staying put together but still... it's like why do things work out so well for some people when they don't work out for others? And some of those people don't even care! That's what drives me crazy. (Not all, but there are some people that I know that don't even care.)

Anyways, I'm sorry. I just had to rant. And don't worry, I'm not really even depressed. I still carry on as normal. It's just I wonder sometimes you know? Why do I have to be the one to be conservative and struggle when other people have things come naturally to them without any hesitation? And most importantly, why do the people that have things come naturally to them without hesitation think that something is wrong with you just because you might not obtain things as quickly as them (ie family)? And why is it that when good things happen that there are people that are there to spoil it for you? Sometimes it's you that does this, but other times... it's not. I just don't get it.

[motardmom]

Life has ups and downs all along the way. If you were "up" all the time, would it feel as exhilarating?

I've been up and down a lot. Right now, in many ways I'm up. In other ways I am down. Keep in mind when you look at other people and making judgements about what their life must be like, that people are very good at putting up appearances. You never know about that couple that look perfectly happy... it could all be show. That mom with her bouncing baby, she might just be having a good day amongst all the post-partum depression. That friend in her beautiful new house, maybe her overbearing mother-in-law helped her get into it and is now going to hold her it over her head for the rest of her life.... Then again, they might be living the life you dream about. You never know. Is it helping you to compare yourself to them?

Just ask yourself this: are you doing your best? What else can you do? Can you change something? What if it's a scary thing to change?

Part of why I feel good about myself right now is that I've been forced to make choices and do things that I didn't think I could. It's funny, all I can remember is my successes. If I sit and think about the "failures," I start to mentally calculate how they factored in my success and how they lead me to this place, now. They were important in bringing me to this happy place.

Good luck riding out the "low." It won't last forever unless you make it.

[quixotedlm]

Beware of getting into a 'functional yet depressed' state. There is no easy out of it, because once you figured out how to suppress a depression causing emotion and 'live as if it doesn't matter', you won't easily want to move out of that no-risk zone.

I know this is a dangerous trap because I'm in it now...

[SPratt74]

Life has ups and downs all along the way. If you were "up" all the time, would it feel as exhilarating?

I know you are right. It's hard though, because everyone in my family has been really successful but me. I mean I've done my things that I've proud of, but I've never been able to say that I'm a lawyer, or I own my own business or this or that. However, I do know they have it tough though. But in many ways they have it so much easier too.

I just have a lot more than them to think about like my health and things like that. They don't realize that my health is even more important now than I was younger, so I can't do what they can do even if I wanted to. I wish that I could. I wish that I could be like them and not have to worry, but I can't. And that's what frustrates me the most. If I could live like that... I would (in my own right). Meaning that I probably would never become a lawyer etc., but you know I would still do my own thing.

And that's what frustrates me about a lot of things that have happened. My health won't allow me to do a whole lot on my own. I'm not helpless, and no one would know if they knew me, because that's how my parents raised me. It's just that when I find things like dance that I can do and that my health won't stop me from doing so, then I go after that goal.

And I know that maybe I get carried away by thinking big, but it's only because I don't have much else to look forward to. And it bugs me to have people (like my family and some friends especially) think that I'm just being lazy or whatever. Or that I have no goals even. It's not that. I just know my limits, but yet... I'm still proud of what I've done. I just wish I could do more.

I've been up and down a lot. Right now, in many ways I'm up. In other ways I am down. Keep in mind when you look at other people and making judgements about what their life must be like, that people are very good at putting up appearances. You never know about that couple that look perfectly happy... it could all be show. That mom with her bouncing baby, she might just be having a good day amongst all the post-partum depression. That friend in her beautiful new house, maybe her overbearing mother-in-law helped her get into it and is now going to hold her it over her head for the rest of her life.... Then again, they might be living the life you dream about. You never know. Is it helping you to compare yourself to them?

Nope. And I do try not to, because I am not them. But when you are confronted almost daily by a large family that has done more than you, it's hard not to.

Just ask yourself this: are you doing your best?

I'm doing the best that I can right now. Definitely a whole lot better than where I was last year. So, I have improved. I know I have. But why doesn't it seem like I've done anything at all?

What else can you do? Can you change something?

I want to change a lot of things. I want to do a lot of things. But right now my situation will not let me. I am trying to do so by trying to find the better job and things like that, but everything takes time. It's just why does it seem to take me longer to get to where I want to go than most people no matter how hard I try?

What if it's a scary thing to change?

Well, for me it's not so scary to change. I guess maybe because I've lived in what seems like a hundred different cities between Iowa and Missouri. That helps in preparing you for change. I have a large family, and that helps you too for you get to go through lots of changes then. So, things like that don't really bother me. I in fact wish I could change more often than I do.

Part of why I feel good about myself right now is that I've been forced to make choices and do things that I didn't think I could. It's funny, all I can remember is my successes. If I sit and think about the "failures," I start to mentally calculate how they factored in my success and how they lead me to this place, now. They were important in bringing me to this happy place.

Good luck riding out the "low." It won't last forever unless you make it.

Thank you. And I agree about what you said about failures. So, it's not really my failures that bug me so much as it is trying to figure out how did I get to this point. And I'm not seeing that as failing. I guess I'm just trying to learn more about why things work in life than anything else at this point, so that I can get my life back in gear like how I know it can be.

[SPratt74]

Beware of getting into a 'functional yet depressed' state. There is no easy out of it, because once you figured out how to suppress a depression causing emotion and 'live as if it doesn't matter', you won't easily want to move out of that no-risk zone.

I know this is a dangerous trap because I'm in it now...

I agree. But the problem is with me is that it does matter to me... but maybe a bit toooooooo much. ;)

[DancePoet]

I was just wondering if at any given moment if anyone here has ever felt lost? I can't say that I'm depressed, but I'm not happy with my life right now. I used to have a professional job, a guy that wanted to marry me, and a life. But I've always had to take care of people to where now I have no idea where or what to do next.
Before a person can be happy with life, they need to be happy with their self.

If you understand what it means to love yourself, then other things could fall in to place for you.

Perhaps finding and being open to some counseling could help.

I applied for that job, and I don't know if I have it or not yet. It's just that I don't have a good feeling about it now. I don't know why, but the longer I wait I think of all of the other applicants that have a better shot than me. And I think why did everything that was once good have to come to an end? And now it's like I'm struggling, and I'm not one to ask for any help at all. I don't want the help. I can do this myself. It's just why do things work out in certain ways?
Two intelligent people are often better than one, particularly if one of them is a counseling professional.

You know my best friend asked me why I don't like a friend of his, and I got to thinking about it. If I had the chance of life like what she does, I would do so much with my life that I would take up every interest possible. But that's just not my life. All she does is shop all day and waste her time doing nothing. Well, she does work a bit, but parties mostly, and it drives me insane. And I keep thinking, why not do something more useful when life is so short to begin with?
Perhaps focusing on the positives of your own self would be better.

I'm just lost I guess. I once had a stable life, and now it seems as though I don't have anything (well, not what I used to have). The things that I do enjoy cost me money as to which I can't say that I don't have the money to get what I want, but I don't have enough of it is what I'm trying to say. And the jobs that I can get are in the field as to which I don't care for any more. If I could go back to school... I would. It's just that I'm already in debt with loans that even the money that I have won't pay them off in full even though it will pay off some.

And going through what I went through last year didn't help any. I mean yes I tend to think of myself as a strong person, but only because I want to hold onto things that are actually working out for me. And when those things didn't work out, then it was like what next? Why me? And how selfish to think why me when others are in worse conditions than I am? And I do feel strong for staying put together but still... it's like why do things work out so well for some people when they don't work out for others? And some of those people don't even care! That's what drives me crazy. (Not all, but there are some people that I know that don't even care.)
Looking out for our self first can be very helpful.

Anyways, I'm sorry. I just had to rant. And don't worry, I'm not really even depressed. I still carry on as normal. It's just I wonder sometimes you know? Why do I have to be the one to be conservative and struggle when other people have things come naturally to them without any hesitation? And most importantly, why do the people that have things come naturally to them without hesitation think that something is wrong with you just because you might not obtain things as quickly as them (ie family)? And why is it that when good things happen that there are people that are there to spoil it for you? Sometimes it's you that does this, but other times... it's not. I just don't get it.
Seeing a counselor could be beneficial.

[samina]

for me, having faith in myself and faith that there is some powerful good in the universe that will help me achieve my goals... that's always been key to help me get my bearings when i've lost them...

edited to say... have been lost many, many times, spratt... but have been found again, always, thank goodness. :D

[motardmom]

Ok. I retract everything I said above. I just got an email from one of the Cinderellas in my life - the girl who married the handsome prince, they are each other's best friend, he helps her clean and stays up with sick kids, they have perfect children who never try their patience (or only do so in a comical way), who has managed to be a stay at home mom and still has time to have hobbies and go on "girl trips" with her friends and can afford to go out to lunch without the kids... and have heated leather seats in Idaho in the middle of winter........

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I need to scroll up and read my own post. I need to delete the email I got from her (it's a mass mailing, a "keep in touch" email she sends out once a month... yet another way she is perfect and I am not...) and get back on the horse. I need to remember what I am doing ALL ON MY OWN and how successful I am at it....

Retraction retracted.....

[LACHopeful]

Feeling that way now, and have bene for the past year.

It'll pass : )

[samina]

It'll pass : )

yes! :)

if i'd known earlier what i know now, i know i would've spent dramatically much less time in those lost times

whole religions are based on appealing to the vulnerability of this state, but IME, finding your "salvation" at those times always comes from some statement involving... "i am..."

"i am not lost... i am exactly where i need to be... the universe sees me and knows me, and for this moment, there is nothing i need do..."

"i am perfectly safe, and am being perfectly productive, in perfect time..."

"somewhere inside myself right now, i am perfectly happy and fulfilled... i am finding that place right now..."

that sort of thing... it's very powerful to make these statements...

[Sagitta]

Ok. I retract everything I said above. I just got an email from one of the Cinderellas in my life - the girl who married the handsome prince, they are each other's best friend, he helps her clean and stays up with sick kids, they have perfect children who never try their patience (or only do so in a comical way), who has managed to be a stay at home mom and still has time to have hobbies and go on "girl trips" with her friends and can afford to go out to lunch without the kids... and have heated leather seats in Idaho in the middle of winter........

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I need to scroll up and read my own post. I need to delete the email I got from her (it's a mass mailing, a "keep in touch" email she sends out once a month... yet another way she is perfect and I am not...) and get back on the horse. I need to remember what I am doing ALL ON MY OWN and how successful I am at it....

Retraction retracted.....


It's tough for single moms who so often have to do so much all on their own! I have a friend who is one and she was down last weekend. She came to me and talked to me. Then I also helped her with her taxes, and she got a big chunk of change and by the end of the quiet day she was back in balance. A good friend helps. ;-)


Also, have you considered maybe sharing the place you will be getting with another single mom? Seen couple arrangements where that works well, or renting a room for reduced rent in exchange for babysitting etc. I've rented a room for reduced rent in exchange for chores and also some light house maintenance tasks.

[Sagitta]

You know my best friend asked me why I don't like a friend of his, and I got to thinking about it. If I had the chance of life like what she does, I would do so much with my life that I would take up every interest possible. But that's just not my life. All she does is shop all day and waste her time doing nothing. Well, she does work a bit, but parties mostly, and it drives me insane. And I keep thinking, why not do something more useful when life is so short to begin with?

I have learnt that looking at what others "seem to have" never helped. (Notice the quotation marks... ;-) )

[Sagitta]

I know you are right. It's hard though, because everyone in my family has been really successful but me. I mean I've done my things that I've proud of, but I've never been able to say that I'm a lawyer, or I own my own business or this or that. However, I do know they have it tough though. But in many ways they have it so much easier too.

Let me give you an easy example for the purpose of explaining my point in the previous post.

MY brother works at Oracle making 100K plus, and does a lot of travelling paid for by company. Money is no object for him. He takes people out sometimes and spends a couple hundred dollars without any concern. My sister has a masters, is getting a second degree, and lives in NYC with so many more dance opportunities than myself.

There! I've looked at what "seems to be so great".

Now the reality that I know. I wouldn't like the amount of travelling that my brother does. I know that does not suit my temperament at all. I also don't really like eating out. Never have my entire life. So what's the point of looking up to those great things he has? My sister is not too happy in NYC and just staying in US long enough to be able to apply for her citizenship. She also has major health issues that lead her to easily gain weight, sugar is really bad for her, and other things that I don't want to mention in a public setting.

See...it's not all "hunky dory" in the other person's world. Now I know this because they are my siblings...but the same applies in dance where so many are worried about what others are thinking, and at the same time those same people are worried about what people are thing...so most people are in the same boat.

I always look at myself, and do what I can do to move myself in the right direction. Looking at others and wanting that for oneself is pointless.

[samina]

It's tough for single moms who so often have to do so much all on their own! I have a friend who is one and she was down last weekend. She came to me and talked to me. Then I also helped her with her taxes, and she got a big chunk of change and by the end of the quiet day she was back in balance. A good friend helps. ;-)

wow... you are a GREAT friend! i'm sure she appreciated your help more than you even know...


Also, have you considered maybe sharing the place you will be getting with another single mom?

i thought of that so many times when my kids were younger... never happend for me, but i think this could be an excellent arrangement for two single mums with kids that need constant supervision!

have been single mum for over 14 years... many times i would have appreciated having an extra hand around, in exchange for my own...

[Sagitta]

I've discovered that when I'm down there usually is something productive that I can do. Yesterday night I had a so so dance night. But, I enjoyed a somewhat interesting dance lesson as an observor. I also worked on my tecaing skills and getting people who are afraid to dance on the dance floor. Lastly, a friend told em about a credit card that offers 5% back for all purchases. I ended up checking my credit cards out and learnt that the 5% I used to get for gas/grocery/drug store purchases is now 2%. So I applied for a card that gives 5% off for gas and auto maintenance. (BY the way I think my friend is full of it as I couldn't find the card she talked about...but I still benefited for our discussion.)

I got so much out from that night!

[motardmom]

Also, have you considered maybe sharing the place you will be getting with another single mom? Seen couple arrangements where that works well, or renting a room for reduced rent in exchange for babysitting etc. I've rented a room for reduced rent in exchange for chores and also some light house maintenance tasks.

First things first. Have to get the house purchased, then remodeled, start teaching piano lessons again.... I have a friend who would probably go for the cohabitation thing. She's a single mom with 2 kids also. But I'm afraid I might have to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife if i actually had to live with her (and her stinky dog!). I suppose it could work with someone else, and I will have the space for it... I dunno... I planned all this home-buying stuff as tho we are the only people living there. I'm not so worried about making ends meet. More money always makes bill paying easier tho.... The thing that gets me about the email I read was just that it seems like Cinderella lives a charmed life. Then again... I don't know what problems she deals with because her only complaints are when her kids get the sniffles and her husband has to trade off nights with her getting up with the kids. (Oh... if that were my only problem....)

People only tell you what they want you to know. If I were emailing her, I'd be doing the same thing. LOL

[samina]

But I'm afraid I might have to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife if i actually had to live with her (and her stinky dog!).


i so understand, MM! *lol*

that's how i always felt when a candidate for live-in emerged... :)
i had plenty of space for a time as well, but the idea of inviting someone into my home who demonstrated more chaos that even *i* managed... well, in the end i always decided it would be more a liability than a help.

[SPratt74]

Ok. I retract everything I said above. I just got an email from one of the Cinderellas in my life - the girl who married the handsome prince, they are each other's best friend, he helps her clean and stays up with sick kids, they have perfect children who never try their patience (or only do so in a comical way), who has managed to be a stay at home mom and still has time to have hobbies and go on "girl trips" with her friends and can afford to go out to lunch without the kids... and have heated leather seats in Idaho in the middle of winter........

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I need to scroll up and read my own post. I need to delete the email I got from her (it's a mass mailing, a "keep in touch" email she sends out once a month... yet another way she is perfect and I am not...) and get back on the horse. I need to remember what I am doing ALL ON MY OWN and how successful I am at it....

Retraction retracted.....

Yeah see, that's kind of how I am. I need to realize that everything I have done and am doing is on my own. I didn't need any help to get to this point. I didn't even need a man to get to this point. And those letters bug me too. Why do people think that they are so perfect when they aren't? Meaning usually they say I'm the greatest and the best of this and that when they aren't? No one really is. Someone will always be better than you. So, I don't get why they put the pressure on people that aren't up to their standards?

[SPratt74]

I have learnt that looking at what others "seem to have" never help. (Notice the quotation marks... ;-) )

That's true. It's just that she has everything given to her. She's never had to work hard to achieve anything (even the job she has now was given to her) while someone like me has had to hold down three different jobs at times just to make it. And what bugs me is that she's just waiting for a rich guy to marry her, and has even said so. But then does that really lead to happiness? I mean marriage shouldn't be like that you know?

The nice thing is that my parents know that I can take care of myself. They don't have to worry about me. They know that I don't have to depend on anyone to get to where I want to go. It's just that it takes me so much longer it seems to get to where I want to go... and sometimes it just doesn't work out whereas like that girl will have it work out for her. But it could be that it takes me longer because I do everything on my own. Sometimes I think if I had an extra income like what would come from a husband or a rich boyfriend like what she has, then I could do so much more, but then could I really? It's sort of frustrating is all when there are no set answers.

[Sagitta]

That's true. It's just that she has everything given to her. She's never had to work hard to achieve anything (even the job she has now was given to her) while someone like me has had to hold down three different jobs at times just to make it. And what bugs me is that she's just waiting for a rich guy to marry her, and has even said so. But then does that really lead to happiness? I mean marriage shouldn't be like that you know?

Maybe for her it is. I know quite a few people, females, who planned to marry off to a rich man and did so. Perhaps material wealth is most important to her. Why judge her? Do what is right for you.

[Sagitta]

Yeah see, that's kind of how I am. I need to realize that everything I have done and am doing is on my own. I didn't need any help to get to this point. I didn't even need a man to get to this point. And those letters bug me too. Why do people think that they are so perfect when they aren't? Meaning usually they say I'm the greatest and the best of this and that when they aren't? No one really is. Someone will always be better than you. So, I don't get why they put the pressure on people that aren't up to their standards?People who are insecure. Don't be one . And sometimes people aren't , but a person who is feeling judged is insecure and so imagines it all. ;-)

[SPratt74]

Let me give you an easy example for the purpose of explaining my point in the previous post.

MY brother works at Oracle making 100K plus, and does a lot of travelling paid for by company. Money is no object for him. He takes people out sometimes and spends a couple hundred dollars without any concern. My sister has a masters, is getting a second degree, and lives in NYC with so many more dance opportunities than myself.

There! I've looked at what "seems to be so great".

Now the reality that I know. I wouldn't like the amount of travelling that my brother does. I know that does not suit my temperament at all. I also don't really like eating out. Never have my entire life. So what's the point of looking up to those great things he has? My sister is not too happy in NYC and just staying in US long enough to be able to apply for her citizenship. She also has major health issues that lead her to easily gain weight, sugar is really bad for her, and other things that I don't want to mention in a public setting.

Wow. You kind of sound like me. Hmmm... I kind of like that example. Let's see I have one sister that has a masters in Nuclear Medicine, a brother that owns his own business, another brother that is a lawyer, a sister that is happily married with two kids (I can see the change in her, so I know she's happy, but she had to go through two marriages to get to that point), and a younger sister getting her masters in business.

Let's see, I would not want to be a lawyer, because I've seen how much work he does, and I don't care for the traveling (unless it was for fun of course). He got burnt out with one company he was working with in NYC. Went overseas to get paid better and is now teaching on the side etc. My other brother took a long time to get to where he is. He had to learn from some major scums (meaning they weren't keeping their books straight), but he learned enough to start his own business. My sister is married and has a masters degree in the medical field, but she has to be peppy 24/7, and I am just not that way. Plus... her job is not that appealing even though she loves dealing with her patients, because she feels as though she's helping them feel better.

My other sister that is married does have some health issues, so she's not to happy all of the time. But she is when she feels good and does the best that she can. My youngest sister is getting her masters degree, but focuses on money to where she drives me crazy. She once told me that I should be making this and that at my age with my degree, and I was like to heck with you. Like you will ever find happiness. She told her boyfriend that she would always make more money than him. It's like she drives people away because she's so money hungry. I mean I'd like to make more than I am right now, but I don't have to make millions.

See...it's not all "hunky dory" in the other person's world. Now I know this because they are my siblings...but the same applies in dance where so many are worried about what others are thinking, and at the same time those same people are worried about what people are thing...so most people are in the same boat.

That's very true. And I know it's not all "hunky dory lol" in the other person's world. So, it's like why are they so hard on me? I understand them not wanting to see me struggle, and sometimes I don't want to struggle as much (like now). But mostly I think they think they'll have to take care of me when I'm older, and I'm like first off... that's just never going to happen, and they need to realize this.

And about the other dancers, from my experience... that is so true.

I always look at myself, and do what I can do to move myself in the right direction. Looking at others and wanting that for oneself is pointless.

You are right. It's just that it's hard when I get comments from my siblings about how much money I should be making or this and that to where it's like I don't even want to be by them a majority of the time even though I do. I just put up a front and take it. But what also hurts is that if they truly loved me, then they would see how those kinds of comments hurt me. But they don't see that even when I have said stuff. So in some ways like now it's like why bother when nothing I'll do will ever be good enough for them?

[SPratt74]

People only tell you what they want you to know. If I were emailing her, I'd be doing the same thing. LOL

Good point! That's why they say they are the best of this and that too. They just want to think that, because more often then not... they aren't and they know deep down they aren't. ;)

[SPratt74]

Maybe for her it is. I know quite a few people, females, who planned to marry off to a rich man and did so. Perhaps material wealth is most important to her. Why judge her? Do what is right for you.

Why judge her? Because my best friend is on her list of guys to marry, and she's done everything that she can to present herself as perfect when everyone but him knows she's not and what she's after. I can't do anything to stop that either. I want him to find happiness (and no it's not going to be with me), but why not marry someone for love instead of all of the other factors that mean nothing when it comes right down to it?

[DancePoet]

Ok. I retract everything I said above. I just got an email from one of the Cinderellas in my life - the girl who married the handsome prince, they are each other's best friend, he helps her clean and stays up with sick kids, they have perfect children who never try their patience (or only do so in a comical way), who has managed to be a stay at home mom and still has time to have hobbies and go on "girl trips" with her friends and can afford to go out to lunch without the kids... and have heated leather seats in Idaho in the middle of winter........

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I need to scroll up and read my own post. I need to delete the email I got from her (it's a mass mailing, a "keep in touch" email she sends out once a month... yet another way she is perfect and I am not...) and get back on the horse. I need to remember what I am doing ALL ON MY OWN and how successful I am at it....

Retraction retracted.....
It is good that you seem to be able to refocus when such things happen. :D :applause:

[SPratt74]

Before a person can be happy with life, they need to be happy with their self.

If you understand what it means to love yourself, then other things could fall in to place for you.

Perhaps finding and being open to some counseling could help.

IMO just because one goes through some difficulties does not always mean they need counseling. My whole life has been difficult since day one. I've learned to just deal with it. And I'm only human, so now and then it's only fair to say that I can get down about it. That does not mean that I need counseling. This does not mean that I am unhappy, because in reality I'm very proud of everything that I've gone through and lived to talk about. It just means that I need to figure out what the next step in my life is going to be. It also means that I need some understanding from those that love me and shoud know better.

But again, sometimes I wish things could be better than what they are, but in reality we all want more of some things. Does that mean that we all need to go to counseling for those issues? If that were the case then everyone that said they would like more dance lessons than what they can afford would have to go to counseling as well.

It does help talking about the issue though. So, I do agree that talking about it helps (even though I don't agree on the counseling part of it all). I already feel better today. I've been down throughout the week, but talking to these girls have helped.

Two intelligent people are often better than one, particularly if one of them is a counseling professional.


Perhaps focusing on the positives of your own self would be better.


Looking out for our self first can be very helpful.


Seeing a counselor could be beneficial.

You said to see a counselor in almost every sentence, but that's to be expected when someone goes through some troubles at least ime. Again, just because I might go through some tough times doesn't mean that I need a counselor. It's actually better for me to talk to some people that have been through the same ordeal as I have instead of talking to someone that doesn't have a clue.

And not that it's any of your business, I do have two friends that are psychologists. (Well, one doesn't practice any more. He teaches psychology at a university here in town.) They've known me for years. They know my issues. And if they thought that I needed to seek someone they would tell me. The one would give me a reference in that area if needed. So, do not worry. I'm well taken care of in that area. ;)

[DancePoet]

Feeling that way now, and have bene for the past year.

It'll pass : )
A year is a long time. Don't hesitate to seek help from outside your regular world as a way to get a fresh viewpoint and a professional perspective. :friend:

[DancePoet]

yes! :)

if i'd known earlier what i know now, i know i would've spent dramatically much less time in those lost times

whole religions are based on appealing to the vulnerability of this state, but IME, finding your "salvation" at those times always comes from some statement involving... "i am..."

"i am not lost... i am exactly where i need to be... the universe sees me and knows me, and for this moment, there is nothing i need do..."

"i am perfectly safe, and am being perfectly productive, in perfect time..."

"somewhere inside myself right now, i am perfectly happy and fulfilled... i am finding that place right now..."

that sort of thing... it's very powerful to make these statements...
Ayuh. :cool:

[motardmom]

That's why they say they are the best of this and that too. They just want to think that,

Of course they want to think that. Everyone wants to feel like they are good at something. Feeling good about yourself is a good thing.

And those letters bug me too. Why do people think that they are so perfect when they aren't? Meaning usually they say I'm the greatest and the best of this and that when they aren't? No one really is. Someone will always be better than you.

Who cares if they are "so perfect"? (Reminder to self.... lol)

So, I don't get why they put the pressure on people that aren't up to their standards?

They aren't putting pressure on others. Any pressure you feel from someone is internal, even if they are in your face pointing their finger at you. You allow yourself to feel pressure. You get to choose whether you feel pressure as a result of information you have about another person. You don't even know if that information is accurate or if they are putting on a front.

[DancePoet]

It's tough for single moms who so often have to do so much all on their own! I have a friend who is one and she was down last weekend. She came to me and talked to me. Then I also helped her with her taxes, and she got a big chunk of change and by the end of the quiet day she was back in balance. A good friend helps. ;-)

Also, have you considered maybe sharing the place you will be getting with another single mom? Seen couple arrangements where that works well, or renting a room for reduced rent in exchange for babysitting etc. I've rented a room for reduced rent in exchange for chores and also some light house maintenance tasks.
Great ideas! :D

[Peaches]

I haven't read the entire thread, but FWIW.

Yeah, I know the lost feeling you talk about. Just went through one for several years, but luckily seem to be coming out of it now. I've been through it several times in the past, usually for a couple of years at a time.

For me, the cycle is burnout/breakdown, followed by several years of feeling lost and not caring (but actually caring, secretly--the "not" part is a self defense bit), then turning a corner for a few years until things get to be too much and I go through it all again. Lather, rinse, repeat. I'm on about a 5 year cycle, myself--3 burnouts down, and another one coming up in about 2 years.

I find that while i'm in that post-burnout phase, I first go through and make all kinds of changes. Usually they aren't so good for me. The first time I stopped caring about school (I was 15, what else did I have to control?). The second time I opted out of grad school and just took a job straight out of college. The third time I flipped out at a co-workef (she had it coming, anyway), changed jobs, and we moved. I wonder what will happen next? The next phase, I spend a lot of time going through the motions. Quix's "functional depression" rang a lot of bells. I get myself conviced that I don't care, and things are fine. They aren't, but oh well. Then...after a while...I get tired of that. My ambition comes back. I figure out and accept my place in the world for that phase of my life. And I move forward.

A lot of it, for me, has to do with feeling out of joint with the phase of life that I'm in. This last time, it's been an odd feeling of...I'm in my late 20's...friends around me are having babies, or going back for/completing their graduate work...getting married, etc. Or, they were still in that post-college phase. I didn't fit with any of it. I have my career. I've got my house. I'm not a newlywed anymore. I'm not having kids. It was very odd... I felt like I should be in my 30's or something, but I wasn't there. I don't know how else to describe it. But what do you do with yourself if you've picked your path, are settled, and aren't starting a family...and none of your friends are there with you. It's an odd feeling, lemme tell you.

Dancing helps. Patience helps (I know my cycle, and know that I have to just ride it out). Accepting what is, and what I am, helps. Knowing that i'm in control helps.

You've been through a lot of changes in this past year, including something of a burnout, yeah? Maybe that's what you're dealing with--delayed reaction to the burnout?

[DancePoet]

Let me give you an easy example for the purpose of explaining my point in the previous post.

MY brother works at Oracle making 100K plus, and does a lot of travelling paid for by company. Money is no object for him. He takes people out sometimes and spends a couple hundred dollars without any concern. My sister has a masters, is getting a second degree, and lives in NYC with so many more dance opportunities than myself.

There! I've looked at what "seems to be so great".

Now the reality that I know. I wouldn't like the amount of travelling that my brother does. I know that does not suit my temperament at all. I also don't really like eating out. Never have my entire life. So what's the point of looking up to those great things he has? My sister is not too happy in NYC and just staying in US long enough to be able to apply for her citizenship. She also has major health issues that lead her to easily gain weight, sugar is really bad for her, and other things that I don't want to mention in a public setting.

See...it's not all "hunky dory" in the other person's world. Now I know this because they are my siblings...but the same applies in dance where so many are worried about what others are thinking, and at the same time those same people are worried about what people are thing...so most people are in the same boat.

I always look at myself, and do what I can do to move myself in the right direction. Looking at others and wanting that for oneself is pointless.
Sagitta, I think you are a super person. :cool:

[Pacion]

For some reason, the poem 'The Invitation', comes to mind. Yes, someone can have professional or educational success and congratulations. But, to me what counts at the end of the day is, are you happy in your own company? Are you a considerate and thoughtful person? What do you see as your purpose in life, reason for being.


The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

[samina]

i had that on my fridge for a long time, maybe 10 years ago... i always liked how it envisioned authentic relationship

[DancePoet]

That's true. It's just that she has everything given to her. She's never had to work hard to achieve anything (even the job she has now was given to her) while someone like me has had to hold down three different jobs at times just to make it. And what bugs me is that she's just waiting for a rich guy to marry her, and has even said so. But then does that really lead to happiness? I mean marriage shouldn't be like that you know?
It just seems like a waste of time and energy, which usually is negative, to worry about people like that. Instead, a focus on one's own happiness, with even the smallest of things, and improving one's own situation a little bit at a time can be much more positive and worth while. :idea:

The nice thing is that my parents know that I can take care of myself. They don't have to worry about me. They know that I don't have to depend on anyone to get to where I want to go. It's just that it takes me so much longer it seems to get to where I want to go... and sometimes it just doesn't work out whereas like that girl will have it work out for her. But it could be that it takes me longer because I do everything on my own. Sometimes I think if I had an extra income like what would come from a husband or a rich boyfriend like what she has, then I could do so much more, but then could I really? It's sort of frustrating is all when there are no set answers.
"There are no answers, only choices." Stanislaw Lem

[DancePoet]

Maybe for her it is. I know quite a few people, females, who planned to marry off to a rich man and did so. Perhaps material wealth is most important to her. Why judge her? Do what is right for you.I second that motion. :cool:

[SPratt74]

Of course they want to think that. Everyone wants to feel like they are good at something. Feeling good about yourself is a good thing.

That's true. But is saying that you are perfect at this and that always a good thing? Isn't making mistakes part of being human?


Who cares if they are "so perfect"? (Reminder to self.... lol)

Lol... I think that they care. ;)

They aren't putting pressure on others. Any pressure you feel from someone is internal, even if they are in your face pointing their finger at you. You allow yourself to feel pressure. You get to choose whether you feel pressure as a result of information you have about another person. You don't even know if that information is accurate or if they are putting on a front.

That's very true. I know that my mom has said several times that some of my siblings wish I could have my life. I keep asking her why, but probably won't ever say. She might know more than I do. I'm thinking that it's because I don't care to live up to anyone's standards. I mean I follow the law and things like that of course lol. But I don't care about being this or that even though I do have my own goals. I guess maybe because I learned early on that some things are just never going to be possible. I don't think they have learned this yet. Or if they have then they are putting up a good front.

[samina]

It's just that she has everything given to her. She's never had to work hard to achieve anything (even the job she has now was given to her) while someone like me has had to hold down three different jobs at times just to make it.

man, i so understand your sentiment. i struggled and struggled and struggled, for years and years and years... and what i learned is that more effort never got me anywhere... it was only when i started affirming how easily things could come to me, and that i didn't have to work so hard for them, that miracle shifts occurred... i ceased trying so hard and, really, then... enormous amounts of everything good came into my life, because i expected it to.

that's a beautiful thing that your friend has had so much come to her effortlessly... why not see if you can create the same type of experience in your own life?

[DancePoet]

You are right. It's just that it's hard when I get comments from my siblings about how much money I should be making or this and that to where it's like I don't even want to be by them a majority of the time even though I do. I just put up a front and take it. But what also hurts is that if they truly loved me, then they would see how those kinds of comments hurt me. But they don't see that even when I have said stuff. So in some ways like now it's like why bother when nothing I'll do will ever be good enough for them?
You seem good at feeling your feelings. Be truthful to yourself and your siblings about them, and things could work out eventually. At the same time, don't bring up to them the negative that is happening to you, instead focus on the positive things that are happening to you in your life. Then they will less likely try to solve your issues. :cool:

[DancePoet]

Why judge her? Because my best friend is on her list of guys to marry, and she's done everything that she can to present herself as perfect when everyone but him knows she's not and what she's after. I can't do anything to stop that either. I want him to find happiness (and no it's not going to be with me), but why not marry someone for love instead of all of the other factors that mean nothing when it comes right down to it?
This kind of reminds me of what your relatives are seeming to do to you. I'd focus my energies on doing the things that are within my own individual control, rather then worrying about controling other's destiny. ;)

[DancePoet]

IMO just because one goes through some difficulties does not always mean they need counseling. My whole life has been difficult since day one. I've learned to just deal with it. And I'm only human, so now and then it's only fair to say that I can get down about it. That does not mean that I need counseling. This does not mean that I am unhappy, because in reality I'm very proud of everything that I've gone through and lived to talk about. It just means that I need to figure out what the next step in my life is going to be. It also means that I need some understanding from those that love me and shoud know better.
It doesn't seem to be a matter of needing counseling, it is more a matter of whether or not a person wants it. Sometimes we can learn new ways of dealing with the rough spots in life, rather then repeating the old ways or trying some new way that has been shared, yet doesn't work either. Sometimes a counselor can provide a professional perspective that gives one a bit of guidance or coaching towards how to better find that next step. And frankly, as evidently discovered with your loved ones, those closest to us often aren't the best qualified to help or for that matter provide the love you want.

But again, sometimes I wish things could be better than what they are, but in reality we all want more of some things. Does that mean that we all need to go to counseling for those issues? If that were the case then everyone that said they would like more dance lessons than what they can afford would have to go to counseling as well.
Determining the next step in your life and wanting dance lessons are two different issues. ;)

It does help talking about the issue though. So, I do agree that talking about it helps (even though I don't agree on the counseling part of it all). I already feel better today. I've been down throughout the week, but talking to these girls have helped.
Cool! Congrats! :cheers: So what will the next step in your life be?

You said to see a counselor in almost every sentence, but that's to be expected when someone goes through some troubles at least ime. Again, just because I might go through some tough times doesn't mean that I need a counselor. It's actually better for me to talk to some people that have been through the same ordeal as I have instead of talking to someone that doesn't have a clue.
Just because someone is a counselor, doesn't mean they haven't been through what you've been through at some point in there lives.

And not that it's any of your business, I do have two friends that are psychologists. (Well, one doesn't practice any more. He teaches psychology at a university here in town.) They've known me for years. They know my issues. And if they thought that I needed to seek someone they would tell me. The one would give me a reference in that area if needed. So, do not worry. I'm well taken care of in that area. ;)
Ok ... yet you don't seem open to the idea, which is ok, but frankly, if you come onto a public website looking for answers, then you will likely get various opinions as well. ;)

[SPratt74]

I haven't read the entire thread, but FWIW.

Yeah, I know the lost feeling you talk about. Just went through one for several years, but luckily seem to be coming out of it now. I've been through it several times in the past, usually for a couple of years at a time.

Same here.

For me, the cycle is burnout/breakdown, followed by several years of feeling lost and not caring (but actually caring, secretly--the "not" part is a self defense bit), then turning a corner for a few years until things get to be too much and I go through it all again. Lather, rinse, repeat. I'm on about a 5 year cycle, myself--3 burnouts down, and another one coming up in about 2 years.

That's about the same with me too. In the few years, I've had let's see... five burnouts. It seems like I go through one major event a year and then the rest of the time I'm fine.

I find that while i'm in that post-burnout phase, I first go through and make all kinds of changes. Usually they aren't so good for me. The first time I stopped caring about school (I was 15, what else did I have to control?).

I was never a student in high school. So, when I got to music school, I had no idea what I was doing there and got burnt out. But then when I got to go to school for computers, I aced almost everything. I was even in the A+ program (which pays for your schooling), but then I got burnt out. I could go back any time. They would accept me. Its just maybe I have a problem with commitments lol?

The second time I opted out of grad school and just took a job straight out of college. The third time I flipped out at a co-workef (she had it coming, anyway), changed jobs, and we moved. I wonder what will happen next? The next phase, I spend a lot of time going through the motions. Quix's "functional depression" rang a lot of bells. I get myself conviced that I don't care, and things are fine. They aren't, but oh well. Then...after a while...I get tired of that. My ambition comes back. I figure out and accept my place in the world for that phase of my life. And I move forward.

I took a job that I hated for four years. Yes it was a very professional job that paid great, and hated it. But I once again got burnt out. I've never had a problem keeping jobs though for a number of years. I worked a couple of retail jobs. One was for three years and the other was for a year and a half, and he would hire me back in no time. So, it's like once I do find something I enjoy... I'm loyal as long as I can be (which hopefully means no burnouts.)

A lot of it, for me, has to do with feeling out of joint with the phase of life that I'm in. This last time, it's been an odd feeling of...I'm in my late 20's...friends around me are having babies, or going back for/completing their graduate work...getting married, etc. Or, they were still in that post-college phase. I didn't fit with any of it. I have my career. I've got my house. I'm not a newlywed anymore. I'm not having kids. It was very odd... I felt like I should be in my 30's or something, but I wasn't there. I don't know how else to describe it. But what do you do with yourself if you've picked your path, are settled, and aren't starting a family...and none of your friends are there with you. It's an odd feeling, lemme tell you.

This sounds like me again. When I was in my late 20's (even now) I'm being asked why aren't you married? Do you want kids? Why don't get you get a higher degree? And you are right... it's like you don't fit in if you aren't doing any of those things. And you are also very right that you pick your own path. I mean yes you can change your mind any time, but then people think something is wrong with you if you don't follow the norm even with that said. And yes... it's a very odd feeling. That is so true.

Dancing helps. Patience helps (I know my cycle, and know that I have to just ride it out). Accepting what is, and what I am, helps. Knowing that i'm in control helps.

Yep. I understand completely.

You've been through a lot of changes in this past year, including something of a burnout, yeah? Maybe that's what you're dealing with--delayed reaction to the burnout?

You could be very right about that. I did go through a couple burnouts with family this past year during the holidays then again through the ice storm. I can only take so much of them, or I get tired and stressed. My mom knows this though. We've had a talk about it. She said that she goes through the same stuff. But you are right though. I guess I haven't had the chance to deal with it all until now. I also went through other stuff before Christmas, and that didn't help anything either.

I wonder though... does your body get burnt out only because it's telling you that you need a break? Is that its way to tell you to stop for a bit? If this is the case, then maybe it is fine to burn out every now and then. Maybe you shouldn't be going down that route. Life is a learning experience. Why not learn from these times?

And see, that's what I try to do. I try to learn from those times. I figure that everything has a reason in life no matter if you like it or not, but then where are you supposed to go from there? That's where I get the most frustrated.

[DancePoet]

For some reason, the poem 'The Invitation', comes to mind. Yes, someone can have professional or educational success and congratulations. But, to me what counts at the end of the day is, are you happy in your own company? Are you a considerate and thoughtful person? What do you see as your purpose in life, reason for being.
Great poem ... and a great poem to share with our loved ones! :cool:

[SPratt74]

For some reason, the poem 'The Invitation', comes to mind. Yes, someone can have professional or educational success and congratulations. But, to me what counts at the end of the day is, are you happy in your own company? Are you a considerate and thoughtful person? What do you see as your purpose in life, reason for being.

I love that poem. I think that I'm going to have to save it. Thank you. ;)

[SPratt74]

man, i so understand your sentiment. i struggled and struggled and struggled, for years and years and years... and what i learned is that more effort never got me anywhere... it was only when i started affirming how easily things could come to me, and that i didn't have to work so hard for them, that miracle shifts occurred... i ceased trying so hard and, really, then... enormous amounts of everything good came into my life, because i expected it to.

that's a beautiful thing that your friend has had so much come to her effortlessly... why not see if you can create the same type of experience in your own life?

But how? How did you come to realize what things came easy to you?

[SPratt74]

You seem good at feeling your feelings. Be truthful to yourself and your siblings about them, and things could work out eventually. At the same time, don't bring up to them the negative that is happening to you, instead focus on the positive things that are happening to you in your life. Then they will less likely try to solve your issues. :cool:

Well, I have told my siblings off before. I told my little sister off this past year after she didn't find something that I was doing was to her standards. But it's like they forget and come right back at me again.

[SPratt74]

This kind of reminds me of what your relatives are seeming to do to you. I'd focus my energies on doing the things that are within my own individual control, rather then worrying about controling other's destiny. ;)

You make a good point. The only difference is that I'm not telling her what to do. I just think those things. I know what I would like for him, and I've voiced my concerns to him. But I'm not saying that you can't do this or that or shouldn't do this or that. What I do is I say this could happen if you do this. I've learned to say it differently to where he knows the options but isn't being told no or yes to issues of concern. And see that's just it though. If my siblings would say ok you could do a, b, or c instead of saying you can and should only do this or that then I'd be fine with that, but they come across as if I have to live up to their standards by saying yes and no to whatever idea I might mention.

[DancePoet]

Well, I have told my siblings off before. I told my little sister off this past year after she didn't find something that I was doing was to her standards. But it's like they forget and come right back at me again.
I'm not advocating "telling your sibilings off". Evidently you aren't having success with that anyway. ;)

:arrow: Instead, let them know in advance you'd like to set aside some time to review something important with them, and then share with them what you are looking for from them and what you are not.

[SPratt74]

It doesn't seem to be a matter of needing counseling, it is more a matter of whether or not a person wants it. Sometimes we can learn new ways of dealing with the rough spots in life, rather then repeating the old ways or trying some new way that has been shared, yet doesn't work either. Sometimes a counselor can provide a professional perspective that gives one a bit of guidance or coaching towards how to better find that next step. And frankly, as evidently discovered with your loved ones, those closest to us often aren't the best qualified to help or for that matter provide the love you want.

That's true. I don't disagree with any of that. But I do trust my friends. They would tell me if they thought I needed help. They aren't shy unfortunately lol.


Determining the next step in your life and wanting dance lessons are two different issues. ;)

Well, I was trying to make a different point... but that's ok lol.

Cool! Congrats! :cheers: So what will the next step in your life be?

Hmmm... I don't know. I'm waiting to find out if I have this job or not. I'll have to decide what to do next if I don't get it.

As far as the other things in my life. My dance instructor has a plan set out for me, so that's taken care of, but of course you need money for that... so even that's been put on hold for a bit. (I'm trying to be an adult by cutting back on lessons and things and it is hard lol.)


Ok ... yet you don't seem open to the idea, which is ok, but frankly, if you come onto a public website looking for answers, then you will likely get various opinions as well. ;)

Lol... don't worry. I posted this because I can't talk to my family members about it. Well, my mom and I do have good talks. But sometimes my siblings can convince her that I'm not doing what I should be doing and things like that. So, it's sort of hard that way. And my friends on this forum have been very helpful. And I do appreciate all of the advice (even with what I don't agree with lol). I'm ok with it. Anything helps in life is what I like to say.

[SPratt74]

I'm not advocating "telling your sibilings off". Evidently you aren't having success with that anyway. ;)

:arrow: Instead, let them know in advance you'd like to set aside some time to review something important with them, and then share with them what you are looking for from them and what you are not.

Good idea, but I've tried this already. My oldest sister can be understanding, but will eventually tell my mom this and that. The other siblings do too. So, it's like I don't really trust any of them. That's probably bad to say, because I do love them all. I just wish that they would be fine with my choices. Again, I don't mind suggestions, but can't they for once be happy for me?

[DancePoet]

That's true. I don't disagree with any of that. But I do trust my friends. They would tell me if they thought I needed help. They aren't shy unfortunately lol.
Again ... it isn't about whether or not you "need" help, it is about whether or not you want help. It appears that you do or you wouldn't be starting this thread looking for other's help. And getting professional help is your choice to make not anyone elses.

However, if you continue bringing up these kinds of issues on a public website, and the help you receive is followed yet not successful, as evident from continually looking for help, then being open to professional help outside a public website could be beneficial. :cool:

Hmmm... I don't know. I'm waiting to find out if I have this job or not. I'll have to decide what to do next if I don't get it.
Having a plan for either alternative could be beneficial. ;)

Lol... don't worry. I posted this because I can't talk to my family members about it. Well, my mom and I do have good talks. But sometimes my siblings can convince her that I'm not doing what I should be doing and things like that. So, it's sort of hard that way. And my friends on this forum have been very helpful. And I do appreciate all of the advice (even with what I don't agree with lol). I'm ok with it. Anything helps in life is what I like to say.
Here is where some folks might become a tad bit impatient. The previous discussion involved your sibilings, and now you are adding your mom, and if she is being influenced by your sibilings (where you can't seem to get the support you want), then are you really getting the support you want from your mom? I feel like we are right back to where we were before. And talking in circles can become counter productive.

If as you wrote above, "Anything helps in life", then counseling could help. ;)

[DancePoet]

Good idea, but I've tried this already. My oldest sister can be understanding, but will eventually tell my mom this and that. The other siblings do too. So, it's like I don't really trust any of them. That's probably bad to say, because I do love them all. I just wish that they would be fine with my choices. Again, I don't mind suggestions, but can't they for once be happy for me?
You need to be happy with your self first, then they might be happy, and even if they aren't, it won't likely matter to you at that point anyway. :cool:

[DancePoet]

Ok ... time for taking care of myself first ... :car:

Good luck SPratt74, need to run off to dinner and dancing. :bouncy:

[quixotedlm]

You said to see a counselor in almost every sentence, but that's to be expected when someone goes through some troubles at least ime. Again, just because I might go through some tough times doesn't mean that I need a counselor. It's actually better for me to talk to some people that have been through the same ordeal as I have instead of talking to someone that doesn't have a clue.

I'm going to second that suggestion about talking to a counselor/psychotherapist. Those of us who have been lifelong skeptics about our need to visit the shrink and then when we eventually did and realized that we don't have to be desperate or mad to get professional help, and that these folks can actually complement our support systems in ways that we didn't imagine, makes us suggest this path to those we think might benefit from this.

This ties in with the idea of being fully functional while despairing within or being depressed. Many aren't strong enough for this, but some of us are stubbornly strong and end up creating a sense of normal functional life despite our difficultties. This does little to mitigation our emotional turmoil - and we also end up showing the world that we are 'ok', thus destroying our chances of getting that 'extra' ounce of support.. counseling can help in getting out of this limbo, but it won't happen overnight. you've got to work on it for some time...


And yeah, don't trust close friends and family to teach you to drive well, tell you that you need to lose weight, or that your new dress or hair-do sucks, or that you would be well served by talking to a shrink. Even if they are running a drivers-ed school, work as PT instructors, run a modeling agency or work as shrinks themselves.

[spectator]

Cognitive behavioral therapy could be worth a try, the idea is to train yourself to think/react to situations differently, so you can avoid putting yourself under so much pressure to live the 'perfect' life or from experiencing so much anxiety, it can also help you move on from the tough times without having to rake over old feelings and experiences that you might if you joined a 'survivors' group. It's not just for people with depression etc. it has been clinically shown to help manage chronic pain as well. You wouldn't have to commit it to years of analysis or talking things out with a counsellor who doesn't "get it" it's a practical way to get your life back on track.

Another option is to maybe have a consultation with a life coach? It sounds lame, but people I know have tried it and it gave them a boost to have someone uninvolved point out that they had more going for them in terms of skills and qualities than they imagined.

The most important thing is not being ashamed to ask for help.

[Pacion]

SPratt, I came across the thread below which you started last year. Could it be linked to how you are feeling and this thread? Have you tried any of the suggestions made? I had a brief look through and some of the suggestions seemed very constructive.

http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=12689

[SPratt74]

Again ... it isn't about whether or not you "need" help, it is about whether or not you want help. It appears that you do or you wouldn't be starting this thread looking for other's help. And getting professional help is your choice to make not anyone elses.

However, if you continue bringing up these kinds of issues on a public website, and the help you receive is followed yet not successful, as evident from continually looking for help, then being open to professional help outside a public website could be beneficial. :cool:

I understand this. But getting professional help is not what I need right now. What I really need to learn is how to be patient. I can accept what's happened in the past. I can learn from that. What I need to really work on is the future.


Having a plan for either alternative could be beneficial. ;)

This is true.

Here is where some folks might become a tad bit impatient. The previous discussion involved your sibilings, and now you are adding your mom, and if she is being influenced by your sibilings (where you can't seem to get the support you want), then are you really getting the support you want from your mom? I feel like we are right back to where we were before. And talking in circles can become counter productive.

Not exactly. Actually, some of what people have said have been very beneficial.

If as you wrote above, "Anything helps in life", then counseling could help. ;)

I'm not disagreeing with you, but I'm just saying that sometimes the problems that you deal in life is what is called growing up, and you don't need a counselor to help you with the process. You just need to figure out what you want no matter how hard it might be. That's where I'm at right now.

What's neat about life though is that there are so many choices as to which you can decide on, and I love this thought. It's just breaking down these choices is what I need to do. I'm stuck though because I have to weigh out what is practical and what isn't practical. I can't go back to school, because that again costs money. I can't volunteer for more things like what I would like to do, because you don't make money from that, and right now I need to focus on how I can make money.

And that's what's hard. I need to find something that I love to do (which is why I applied for the PD), and/or find something that I can stand to do (secretary work). But again this is all part of growing up and becoming an adult. It's just that sometimes people take longer to find out what they want to do while others seem to have things come naturally. And the ones that have things come naturally don't understand why others have a hard time and that something is wrong with them. That's not always the case. ;)

[SPratt74]

Ok ... time for taking care of myself first ... :car:

Good luck SPratt74, need to run off to dinner and dancing. :bouncy:

Thank you. I'm sure I'll be fine. I've managed the past 32 years, and I'm good for a whole lot more. ;) Have fun!

[SPratt74]

I'm going to second that suggestion about talking to a counselor/psychotherapist. Those of us who have been lifelong skeptics about our need to visit the shrink and then when we eventually did and realized that we don't have to be desperate or mad to get professional help, and that these folks can actually complement our support systems in ways that we didn't imagine, makes us suggest this path to those we think might benefit from this.

I do agree with this. That's why I talk to my friends about my issues. And the one that doesn't practice any more has guided me through some things. So, he would tell me. ;)


And yeah, don't trust close friends and family to teach you to drive well, tell you that you need to lose weight, or that your new dress or hair-do sucks, or that you would be well served by talking to a shrink. Even if they are running a drivers-ed school, work as PT instructors, run a modeling agency or work as shrinks themselves.

Now this I will agree with lol! ;)

[SPratt74]

SPratt, I came across the thread below which you started last year. Could it be linked to how you are feeling and this thread? Have you tried any of the suggestions made? I had a brief look through and some of the suggestions seemed very constructive.

http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=12689

Yeah I remember that thread. I was really glad that I posted it afterwards! I especially loved the post by icering when they posted:

1. What am I happy about in my life right now?
What about that makes me happy? How does that make me feel?

2. What am I excited about in my life right now?
What about that makes me excited? How does that make me feel?

3. What am I proud about in my life right now?
What about that makes me proud? How does that make me feel?

4. What am I grateful about in my life right now?
What about that makes me grateful? How does that make me feel?

5. What am I enjoying most in my life right now?
What about that do I enjoy? How does that make me feel?

6. What am I committed to in my life right now?
What about that makes me committed? How does that make me feel?

7. Who do I love? Who loves me?
What about that makes me loving? How does that make me feel?

These are great questions!

I forget when I wrote that, even though I do remember it. But this one I think I wrote after I had gone through problems with my old studio. And it's interesting that you brought this thread back up. It's made me realize a couple of things. I usually get depressed like this when I've been hurt, and/or have to go through a major change.

I don't know if you remember about the computer thread that I wrote last year? But I was going through a major change/hurt then too. I remember my professor said something really mean to me that was completely uncalled for, and I ended up being depressed from that.

And now that I think about it, maybe change is scary for me. I've been through a lot though, and you would think that you get used to it later in life. But truth is you start doubting yourself if something doesn't work out, but it's not that it didn't necessarily work out. It's more like it just wasn't meant to be for you at that time.

And see I'm going through a change like this again right now. I mean I know I have to find a new job (even though I do have a good job now). I wish I didn't have to, which I guess is a sign telling me I don't like change. Hmmm... this is intersting. Because not liking change doesn't necessarily mean that you are depressed. It just means that your body has to get used to the new situation that you are being given. Interesting.

[SPratt74]

Oh and I wanted to add that I think I get upset at my siblings when they suggest that I should be doing different things, because that means that I would have to undergo a change. And it's not that I don't want to change myself to become a better person. I just don't want to feel rushed. My mom always said that I was never good with surprises. Maybe she was right.

[Genesius Redux]

Okay, I've just skimmed this thread--as I'm on my way home to my dog after a long day with two separate rehearsals.

SPratt--you need to listen to the soundtrack to "Avenue Q" about three times through. That's just what that musical is about--feeling lost and not clear, and all that jazz. It begins with the lovely tune "What Can You Do With a BA in English?" and quickly moves to the great number "It Sucks to Be Me." It doesn't give you any answers, but it makes you laugh because you realize that everyone feels like this.

Sample lyrics from "It Sucks to Be Me." The girl sings:

I'm kinda pretty,
And pretty darn smart!
I like romantic things
Like music and art.
And as you know
I have a really big heart,
So whyyyyyyyy...
Don't I have a boyfriend?
F--!!
It sucks to be meeeeee....

Trust me. "Avenue Q" will make you feel better. It even features a guest appearance by "Gary Coleman."

Lost? All the time, every day, girl. Our lives are never quite what we expect them, or have imagined them, to be. I work at a university, which means I put in about 20 hours a week for nine months of the year. The rest of the time I have off. Would I love to be doing more dancing or travelling, or whatever? You bet. Can I? No, not really. I don't have the salary to do it. If I had the salary, I wouldn't have the time.

Can I find something else to do to make that money? Sure. But I'm spending all my time in the theatre world--where if you're making $300 per week and are insured you're doing well. Yet I continue to choose it.

But what difference does this all make? All the stuff I'm saying. You're in a funk, you're in a funk. Embrace it. Take it to you. Claim it for yours. It's your funk, and the regrets are as much a part of who you are as the triumphs. If it gets to be too much, or you really need to change, you will change. We do what we have to--and if you feel stuck right now, or you've not done what you feel you need to get back on track, that's because you don't really need to yet. Trust yourself and your decisions. Trust all your impulses. Your real destiny is who you are.

[SPratt74]

Okay, I've just skimmed this thread--as I'm on my way home to my dog after a long day with two separate rehearsals.

SPratt--you need to listen to the soundtrack to "Avenue Q" about three times through. That's just what that musical is about--feeling lost and not clear, and all that jazz. It begins with the lovely tune "What Can You Do With a BA in English?" and quickly moves to the great number "It Sucks to Be Me." It doesn't give you any answers, but it makes you laugh because you realize that everyone feels like this.

Sample lyrics from "It Sucks to Be Me." The girl sings:

I'm kinda pretty,
And pretty darn smart!
I like romantic things
Like music and art.
And as you know
I have a really big heart,
So whyyyyyyyy...
Don't I have a boyfriend?
F--!!
It sucks to be meeeeee....

Trust me. "Avenue Q" will make you feel better. It even features a guest appearance by "Gary Coleman."

Lost? All the time, every day, girl. Our lives are never quite what we expect them, or have imagined them, to be. I work at a university, which means I put in about 20 hours a week for nine months of the year. The rest of the time I have off. Would I love to be doing more dancing or travelling, or whatever? You bet. Can I? No, not really. I don't have the salary to do it. If I had the salary, I wouldn't have the time.

Can I find something else to do to make that money? Sure. But I'm spending all my time in the theatre world--where if you're making $300 per week and are insured you're doing well. Yet I continue to choose it.

But what difference does this all make? All the stuff I'm saying. You're in a funk, you're in a funk. Embrace it. Take it to you. Claim it for yours. It's your funk, and the regrets are as much a part of who you are as the triumphs. If it gets to be too much, or you really need to change, you will change. We do what we have to--and if you feel stuck right now, or you've not done what you feel you need to get back on track, that's because you don't really need to yet. Trust yourself and your decisions. Trust all your impulses. Your real destiny is who you are.

You know... you are right. I can't complain. I do come from a great family (even when they drive me crazy). And I have done a lot with my life that I'm proud of, and I should be grateful for that. I guess that for me I'm just so tired of things not being stable. But I guess not everything has to be stable, because life isn't perfect right? That doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you either (sometimes but not always).

I guess that when my siblings talk about this and that it does drag me down. They were lucky to find things of interest at an early age. But you know... my mom changed careers when she was in her 50's. Why am I so hard on myself now? People change careers all of the time. And I can't say that I didn't give it a go in the computer world for I did my share. And no matter what job I go into, I have found that I can use my degree for it.

Hmmm... this has all been very interesting. I discovered a few things about myself after I posted this thread, and I do feel better now. But I still have some thinking to do, but that's ok too.

Thanks! ;)

[chandra]

lost, yup. Im not quite sure who or where I am right now. I feel lost and confused. This is a strange feeling for me, as a very confident outgoing person who seems to always know what I want, and how to get it.
So yup, right now I feel a little lost. I somehow think my priority's have been off these last two years. But its ok, I know thats its just temporary, and Ill figure it out. Ill figure what I want, and how to get it. I will.

I suppose my problem stems from the fact that when I want something, if I really want it, I get it. I just dont take no for an answer, and I figure out how to make it work. But thats not how it works for interpersonal relationships. Freinds, etc. you can't push like that, you just have to let things happen. I feel so lost and out of control in those situations. I've ignored my social life for so long, that I dont really know how to have one anymore. I feel like me, who I am, is just too much for people. I like to take control, take center stage. Its hard for me to relinquish control.

So yes, I feel a little lost. Although for an entirely different reason than you, I suppose.

[musicchica86]

Have I ever felt lost?

Only every freaking day of my freaking life.

Quix's functional depression sounds awfully familiar...

[SPratt74]

Have I ever felt lost?

Only every freaking day of my freaking life.

Quix's functional depression sounds awfully familiar...

See, what's weird is that normally I am a very happy person. (I mean you are one of the few that know me, and you know that I only complain when I have a valid reason lol.) It's just when certain things happen do I go into that state. Well, not really depression. More like feeling sorry for myself. But we are all aloud to pout once in a great while aren't we??? ;)

[SPratt74]

lost, yup. Im not quite sure who or where I am right now. I feel lost and confused. This is a strange feeling for me, as a very confident outgoing person who seems to always know what I want, and how to get it.
So yup, right now I feel a little lost. I somehow think my priority's have been off these last two years. But its ok, I know thats its just temporary, and Ill figure it out. Ill figure what I want, and how to get it. I will.

I suppose my problem stems from the fact that when I want something, if I really want it, I get it. I just dont take no for an answer, and I figure out how to make it work. But thats not how it works for interpersonal relationships. Freinds, etc. you can't push like that, you just have to let things happen. I feel so lost and out of control in those situations. I've ignored my social life for so long, that I dont really know how to have one anymore. I feel like me, who I am, is just too much for people. I like to take control, take center stage. Its hard for me to relinquish control.

So yes, I feel a little lost. Although for an entirely different reason than you, I suppose.

We are somewhat similar I think. You feel lost like how I do, except you are new to the feeling. That's the only difference really. I'm much older and have been through a heck of a whole lot. Otherwise, I'd say we are going through some of the same feelings!

I'm not really a control type of person. I guess that's why every guy I've dated has liked having control (ok, I know the subject could change quickly lol). I mean in social settings people lol. It's very rare that I'm in the center of attention. It's not that I won't if I'm asked. It's just that I'd rather not. That's why things like dancing is helping me that way. It's helping me a lot with my confidence in other words in more ways than one. ;)

[samina]

But how? How did you come to realize what things came easy to you?

i meant not that certain things come easily, but that by changing my mind, what i think, what i believe, what i say, what i expect, and subsequently what i feel... i began to create a very different life for myself. nothing in my life has been left out of this equation... love, health, money, purpose, clarity, well-being, friends, community, confidence, my body... there is nothing that i have set out to change through a changed perspective that has not resulted in a wonderful change.

the how of it always starts with changing what i say & think at the root of the matter. in my own mind, i would treat a thought that had manifested in my life such as "things are always hard for me no matter what i do" with something like "everything comes easily to me now, from this moment forward... things seemed to be difficult in the past because i did not recognize that i had the power to create my experience any other way... now i know, and everything i need comes to me, effortlessly, with perfect timing... ideas, opportunities, people, money, clarity, love... and i pay attention and welcome and receive these things into my life as they come to me."

that's for starters. making changes requires constant immersion in this type of new thinking... just like when you take antibiotics and need to take them 3Xday for a steady stream of it in your system, you have to remember to think these things throughout the day. and what you're after most of all is the feeling that results from knowing that what you are affirming is true... it's not "positive thinking"... its a complete shift of state of being, and it is very palpable... when you feel only safety, no sense of hurry, no fear, that you are loved, that everything is good and that only good things are on their way... then you'll know you've hit the sweet spot where what you are affirming becomes highly creative.

and then watch for what you attract into your life... you won't feel lost anymore, i guarantee... you'll feel very excited, and that life is this magical thing that you can use to create whatever is your heart's desire... including finding what that is if you don't know it! :)

[samina]

SPratt--you need to listen to the soundtrack to "Avenue Q" about three times through. ...
F--!!
It sucks to be meeeeee....



hey, i saw avenue q! it had some very funny moments...!
although personally, i can't say i'd recommend to spratt to drill "it sucks to be me" into her head.:rolleyes:

You're in a funk, you're in a funk. totally agree... "what we resists persists"... it'll pass... and in the meantime, if we redirect our thoughts & feelings toward more constructive ideas, when the funk passes we'll be oh-so-much-better-off, and less likely of experiencing deep funkiness in the future. ;)

hey, i know... i'm the former funk queen. <heh>

[DancePoet]

SPratt, I came across the thread below which you started last year. Could it be linked to how you are feeling and this thread? Have you tried any of the suggestions made? I had a brief look through and some of the suggestions seemed very constructive.

http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=12689
Pacion, you are a doll. :notworth:

Both quixoted's post #54 and spectator's post #55 are well done, too. :cool:

[DancePoet]

I understand this. But getting professional help is not what I need right now. What I really need to learn is how to be patient. I can accept what's happened in the past. I can learn from that. What I need to really work on is the future.
Here we go again ... the use of the word "need" four times in six sentences ... it isn't about "need" ... it is about whether or not you want to get help. ;)

Not exactly. Actually, some of what people have said have been very beneficial.
When I see this kind of statement in reply to the one made, I am perplexed as to what message came across with what I wrote.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but I'm just saying that sometimes the problems that you deal in life is what is called growing up, and you don't need a counselor to help you with the process. You just need to figure out what you want no matter how hard it might be. That's where I'm at right now.
I am beginning to feel like a broken record. :lol: It isn't about what you "need", it is about what you "want". If you are unable to flip the coin on this concept, you will continue to struggle with life, whether or not you want counseling.

What's neat about life though is that there are so many choices as to which you can decide on, and I love this thought. It's just breaking down these choices is what I need to do. I'm stuck though because I have to weigh out what is practical and what isn't practical. I can't go back to school, because that again costs money. I can't volunteer for more things like what I would like to do, because you don't make money from that, and right now I need to focus on how I can make money.

And that's what's hard. I need to find something that I love to do (which is why I applied for the PD), and/or find something that I can stand to do (secretary work). But again this is all part of growing up and becoming an adult. It's just that sometimes people take longer to find out what they want to do while others seem to have things come naturally. And the ones that have things come naturally don't understand why others have a hard time and that something is wrong with them. That's not always the case. ;)
A counselor helped me with issues similar to what you describe, and it happened much, much faster then had I continued to try on my own. As I'm sure you know, time is a precious commodity, and I chose to not waste as much time, and now I have more joy, too. You can have the same, if you "want" to choose such. :cool:

[DancePoet]

Yeah I remember that thread. I was really glad that I posted it afterwards! I especially loved the post by icering ...
Did you sit down and write answers to those questions, commiting yourself to choosing answers?

I forget when I wrote that, even though I do remember it. But this one I think I wrote after I had gone through problems with my old studio. And it's interesting that you brought this thread back up. It's made me realize a couple of things. I usually get depressed like this when I've been hurt, and/or have to go through a major change.

I don't know if you remember about the computer thread that I wrote last year? But I was going through a major change/hurt then too. I remember my professor said something really mean to me that was completely uncalled for, and I ended up being depressed from that.

And now that I think about it, maybe change is scary for me. I've been through a lot though, and you would think that you get used to it later in life. But truth is you start doubting yourself if something doesn't work out, but it's not that it didn't necessarily work out. It's more like it just wasn't meant to be for you at that time.

And see I'm going through a change like this again right now. I mean I know I have to find a new job (even though I do have a good job now). I wish I didn't have to, which I guess is a sign telling me I don't like change. Hmmm... this is intersting. Because not liking change doesn't necessarily mean that you are depressed. It just means that your body has to get used to the new situation that you are being given. Interesting.
When this is happening on multiple occasions, and a person can't get the help they want from their immediate family and friends, as you have described, it could be very beneficial to seek professional asssistance that has the ability to provide a system that can quicken working through such changes and situations in life.

[DancePoet]

Oh and I wanted to add that I think I get upset at my siblings when they suggest that I should be doing different things, because that means that I would have to undergo a change. And it's not that I don't want to change myself to become a better person. I just don't want to feel rushed. My mom always said that I was never good with surprises. Maybe she was right.
Well atleast in this paragraph you are talking about your wants. :D

[goldiebox]

Life is rather simple (not easy) but simple. You cannot avoid pain. Pain is everywhere, people hurt you, situations hurt you. But you CAN AVOID SUFFERING! Suffering is self-made. It is in your mind. It is arguing with reality. It is complaining. It is whining. It is wanting.

In the short time I have been here I have read throngs and throngs of your posts. They almost always have a negative feel to them. "So and So did this to me... but I don't care" "People are mean to me... but I don't let that get me down"

It always seems that to you, your problems are due to someone else. You never see that your very talking about it... IS your suffering.

If you did not come here and complain about things... if you did not throw in timy little insults to your former studio or boss, you might just lose your identy that you have built up as "The Martyr". And it is scary to let your identity go. Yet if you were not "the martyr", if you did not run these same soundtracks over and over agian you just might be someone else... who is happy.

I am not sure therapy is really where one needs to go. Just accepting what is instead of arguing with reality about what you "want or need" is the simplest (not easy) way to sanity. To argue with reality is insanity.

[goldiebox]

Oh and I wanted to add that I think I get upset at my siblings when they suggest that I should be doing different things, because that means that I would have to undergo a change.

And yet do you change? Do you give in to them? Are they really pressuring you to do anything? Instead you are asking them to change... you are asking them to not tell you what they think. That is their job, that is what siblings (and parents) do, they tell you what they think. That is reality.

You can accept that it is their job and go on about your life. Or you can argue with reality and try to insist that they should change (not tell you their opinions) and make yourself nuts in the process.

[Genesius Redux]

You know... you are right. I can't complain. I do come from a great family (even when they drive me crazy). And I have done a lot with my life that I'm proud of, and I should be grateful for that. I guess that for me I'm just so tired of things not being stable. But I guess not everything has to be stable, because life isn't perfect right? That doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you either (sometimes but not always).

No, no--I didn't mean you shouldn't complain. (This is the whining thread, after all). I meant that you don't need to feel bad about feeling lost--like you say, just because things aren't quite settled doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Talk it out, cry it out, punch it out, whatever you need to do.

But for heaven's sake, don't let your siblings control your feelings. I'm sure they mean well, but siblings are, well, siblings. My little brother can be such a prat--I love him to death, but he can really be an insufferable jacka$$ at times. It's my life--and unless I'm getting lots of money or really practical support from someone else, what I do isn't any of their dang business.

You know what's stable? Death. Life lives. It changes, it craves and rages, it needs space, it needs air, it's selfish for more life, more change, more novelty. Love it, hate it. But live it.

[Genesius Redux]

hey, i saw avenue q! it had some very funny moments...!
although personally, i can't say i'd recommend to spratt to drill "it sucks to be me" into her head.:rolleyes:

Dang! I only got to listen to the soundtrack. Haven't seen that. Haven't seen "Wicked." Haven't seen "Spamelot." Sometimes I miss being so close to NYC....

[SPratt74]

i meant not that certain things come easily, but that by changing my mind, what i think, what i believe, what i say, what i expect, and subsequently what i feel... i began to create a very different life for myself. nothing in my life has been left out of this equation... love, health, money, purpose, clarity, well-being, friends, community, confidence, my body... there is nothing that i have set out to change through a changed perspective that has not resulted in a wonderful change.

the how of it always starts with changing what i say & think at the root of the matter. in my own mind, i would treat a thought that had manifested in my life such as "things are always hard for me no matter what i do" with something like "everything comes easily to me now, from this moment forward... things seemed to be difficult in the past because i did not recognize that i had the power to create my experience any other way... now i know, and everything i need comes to me, effortlessly, with perfect timing... ideas, opportunities, people, money, clarity, love... and i pay attention and welcome and receive these things into my life as they come to me."

that's for starters. making changes requires constant immersion in this type of new thinking... just like when you take antibiotics and need to take them 3Xday for a steady stream of it in your system, you have to remember to think these things throughout the day. and what you're after most of all is the feeling that results from knowing that what you are affirming is true... it's not "positive thinking"... its a complete shift of state of being, and it is very palpable... when you feel only safety, no sense of hurry, no fear, that you are loved, that everything is good and that only good things are on their way... then you'll know you've hit the sweet spot where what you are affirming becomes highly creative.

and then watch for what you attract into your life... you won't feel lost anymore, i guarantee... you'll feel very excited, and that life is this magical thing that you can use to create whatever is your heart's desire... including finding what that is if you don't know it! :)

That makes sense. I don't know if I can do that though, but it is a thought that I should take in. ;)

[SPratt74]

hey, i saw avenue q! it had some very funny moments...!
although personally, i can't say i'd recommend to spratt to drill "it sucks to be me" into her head.:rolleyes:

Haha! That's kind of funny. Actually though, and this may sound silly, but I do listen to certain songs to feel better again. One of them is by Christina Aguilera. I can't think of the name of it right now, but it talks about being a fighter (in a good way). I hope to dance to it in the future for a showcase or something like that.

totally agree... "what we resists persists"... it'll pass... and in the meantime, if we redirect our thoughts & feelings toward more constructive ideas, when the funk passes we'll be oh-so-much-better-off, and less likely of experiencing deep funkiness in the future. ;)

hey, i know... i'm the former funk queen. <heh>

That's true. It's just that my constructive ideas involve spending money instead of making money and things like that. I need to get my life back in order by getting a professional job again (in my area of interest), and then I can focus on the fun stuff. So, I guess I know what my next step is, but with so many choices... I'm not sure which direction I want to go into. Although, I do know what I don't want to do, so I guess that's a step in the right direction too.

[SPratt74]

Pacion, you are a doll. :notworth:

Both quixoted's post #54 and spectator's post #55 are well done, too. :cool:

I agree. They always seem to make very good informative comments though, but I can tell that they seem to think things through. That's a good thing! ;)

[Sagitta]

That's true. It's just that my constructive ideas involve spending money instead of making money and things like that. I need to get my life back in order by getting a professional job again (in my area of interest), and then I can focus on the fun stuff. So, I guess I know what my next step is, but with so many choices... I'm not sure which direction I want to go into. Although, I do know what I don't want to do, so I guess that's a step in the right direction too.Yup. :-)

[SPratt74]

Here we go again ... the use of the word "need" four times in six sentences ... it isn't about "need" ... it is about whether or not you want to get help. ;)

Well, in my life... I have put the needs first before the things that I have wanted. Dance is one of the few things that I don't need, and that I just want to do. So, it has to be put on hold again until I get my life back in order. And that's ok. I don't have to take privates. I can go to his group lessons, and he's fine with that. He has the plan for me set up, because I think that he can see what I can become as a dancer. But he knows that dancing much like golf is just a hobby (in my life I mean not in others so much). I appreciate this too.

Also, I just don't have the money or the time to do the things that I want to do, so I have to be practical about them all. Counseling is not very practical right now. I've been through this stuff before, so I can get through this again. Its just part of life, and I'm still young in age. And they do say that a person can change career a few hundred times in their life by the time of their death. Now, if anything stopped me from living my life for whatever the reason, you bet I would seek counseling. I've seen this happen to my sister, and I don't want to go through the symptoms she did. But I've been a fighter and I won't let the little things stop me from enjoying life. You can still enjoy life while being practical.

A counselor helped me with issues similar to what you describe, and it happened much, much faster then had I continued to try on my own. As I'm sure you know, time is a precious commodity, and I chose to not waste as much time, and now I have more joy, too. You can have the same, if you "want" to choose such. :cool:

Oh that's good to hear. Congrats! But so I won't sound like a broken record myself lol, I will say look above for my response here. But I'm proud of you though. That's awesome. ;)

[SPratt74]

Did you sit down and write answers to those questions, commiting yourself to choosing answers?

I think I did at the time. I haven't this time around though. But it's probably a good idea. I was even thinking about making a thread with those questions, because I do think that everyone should try to answer them at one point or another.

[SPratt74]

Life is rather simple (not easy) but simple. You cannot avoid pain. Pain is everywhere, people hurt you, situations hurt you. But you CAN AVOID SUFFERING! Suffering is self-made. It is in your mind. It is arguing with reality. It is complaining. It is whining. It is wanting.

In the short time I have been here I have read throngs and throngs of your posts. They almost always have a negative feel to them. "So and So did this to me... but I don't care" "People are mean to me... but I don't let that get me down"

It always seems that to you, your problems are due to someone else. You never see that your very talking about it... IS your suffering.

Well, the problems that I have talked about to this point were not caused by me when it came to the old studio. I had went through a situation that I still don't understand why it happened in the first place and I was hurt. But this is a dance forum is it not? That's like saying that you shouldn't talk about the bad things, because dance is supposed to be perfect and fun. Well, dance isn't always perfect and fun. It can be frustrating if you aren't learning what you want to learn or whatever. But just because dance can be frustrating, doesn't mean that a person doesn't enjoy it.

But yes you can make things bigger than what they are in your head, and no one cares about the pain but you when it comes right down to it. But at the same time, then we all should feel guilty about this. We do have a whining thread after all, as to which almost everyone has taken part of. That's just part of life.

If you did not come here and complain about things... if you did not throw in timy little insults to your former studio or boss, you might just lose your identy that you have built up as "The Martyr". And it is scary to let your identity go. Yet if you were not "the martyr", if you did not run these same soundtracks over and over agian you just might be someone else... who is happy.

But don't we all do this though? We all have situations in our lives that we don't like that we want to talk about. Mine involves certain subjects, and yes one was my old studio. But isn't this a dance forum? Haven't you complained one time or another about something that you didn't like about your dancing or instructors or whatever that way? That's what this forum is about. It's to talk about things like that. Not everyone will have an instructor that they enjoy or a lesson that they just love.

And yes complaining is part of my identity, but it doesn't make up my whole identity, and you could say this about everyone on this forum if you want to go that far.

I am not sure therapy is really where one needs to go. Just accepting what is instead of arguing with reality about what you "want or need" is the simplest (not easy) way to sanity. To argue with reality is insanity.

I agree to a point. But you don't really argue with reality. You learn from it and move on. That's where I'm at right now. I can't argue with what's happened in the past. It's just not possible. But you can think things through and learn from it. ;)

[SPratt74]

No, no--I didn't mean you shouldn't complain. (This is the whining thread, after all). I meant that you don't need to feel bad about feeling lost--like you say, just because things aren't quite settled doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Talk it out, cry it out, punch it out, whatever you need to do.

But for heaven's sake, don't let your siblings control your feelings. I'm sure they mean well, but siblings are, well, siblings. My little brother can be such a prat--I love him to death, but he can really be an insufferable jacka$$ at times. It's my life--and unless I'm getting lots of money or really practical support from someone else, what I do isn't any of their dang business.

You know what's stable? Death. Life lives. It changes, it craves and rages, it needs space, it needs air, it's selfish for more life, more change, more novelty. Love it, hate it. But live it.

You are so very right. Thanks for your informative posts! ;)

[goldiebox]

I still don't understand why it happened in the first place and I was hurt.

That is the suffering you choose to play in your head. You could instead say "well aren't they wonderful, look at them having a great time, how fabulous..."

And yes complaining is part of my identity, but it doesn't make up my whole identity, and you could say this about everyone on this forum if you want to
go that far.

I would say that about every human on earth.

I agree to a point. But you don't really argue with reality. You learn from it and move on. That's where I'm at right now. I can't argue with what's happened in the past. It's just not possible. But you can think things through and learn from it.

You argue with reality everytime you complain about what is. Or what was. Or what you think may happen in the future.

Reality is right here right now. There is nothing good or bad. It simply is. And "they" can't hurt you without your permission.

[quixotedlm]

And "they" can't hurt you without your permission.

Often, we come acrosss the phrase 'paradigm shift (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradigm_shift)'. It's one of those things where a different way of thinking is so fundamental that it takes a leap or a jump to comprehend the new way of thinking. Essentially, there is no slow gradient from one way of thinking to another, so there is no way to even start beleiving that the new paradigm even makes sense until you actually understand it. It's somewhat of an intellectural quagmire. An example would be how we think about the symbol (d/dx) in calculus. Once you understand that it's an operator and not d over dx as in division, it all falls into place. But you have to stop resisting the intellectual shift :)

The whole idea of 'nobody can hurt you without your permission' is one of the harder paradigm shifts I've ever known. It's a very difficult concept to grok if you already don't get it.

[SPratt74]

That is the suffering you choose to play in your head. You could instead say "well aren't they wonderful, look at them having a great time, how fabulous..."

Well, that's a little bit different than what we were talking about. ;)


You argue with reality everytime you complain about what is. Or what was. Or what you think may happen in the future.

Reality is right here right now. There is nothing good or bad. It simply is. And "they" can't hurt you without your permission.

It depends on your definition of reality. But if you want to go by the book, the actual definition of reality is everything that exists in this world past, present, and future no matter what the situation, or how you might think of it.

But I will agree that no one can hurt you if you don't let them, but how often do we as people allow this to happen? Everyone gets hurt now and then. We are only human. ;)

[SPratt74]

Often, we come acrosss the phrase 'paradigm shift (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradigm_shift)'. It's one of those things where a different way of thinking is so fundamental that it takes a leap or a jump to comprehend the new way of thinking. Essentially, there is no slow gradient from one way of thinking to another, so there is no way to even start beleiving that the new paradigm even makes sense until you actually understand it. It's somewhat of an intellectural quagmire. An example would be how we think about the symbol (d/dx) in calculus. Once you understand that it's an operator and not d over dx as in division, it all falls into place. But you have to stop resisting the intellectual shift :)

The whole idea of 'nobody can hurt you without your permission' is one of the harder paradigm shifts I've ever known. It's a very difficult concept to grok if you already don't get it.

I agree with you completely, and I like your example lol. Although, I didn't really want to learn Calculus on a Sunday lol. But how are you in Statistics lol??? ;)

[goldiebox]

Well, that's a little bit different than what we were talking about.

No it is simply suffering. Regardless of the context.

It depends on your definition of reality. But if you want to go by the book, the actual definition of reality is everything that exists in this world past, present, and future no matter what the situation, or how you might think of it.

Past only exists in your head. Future exits only in your head. It is only images in a movie that you watch over and over, rearranging the situation and characters to suit your whim, redirecting dialog.

[quixotedlm]

But how are you in Statistics lol??? ;)

On an average, I'm above the median. But my standard deviation is unappealingly huge ;)

[SPratt74]

On an average, I'm above the median. But my standard deviation is unappealingly huge ;)

Haha... well, this is great to know for the future! ;)

[quixotedlm]

No it is simply suffering. Regardless of the context.



Past only exists in your head. Future exits only in your head. It is only images in a movie that you watch over and over, rearranging the situation and characters to suit your whim, redirecting dialog.

for all you know, you might be living in a simulated reality and past and future might be more than just figments of your imagination ;)

[SPratt74]

No it is simply suffering. Regardless of the context.

It depends on how you look at it I guess. ;)

Past only exists in your head. Future exits only in your head. It is only images in a movie that you watch over and over, rearranging the situation and characters to suit your whim, redirecting dialog.

Again, I was going by the definition in the book. But we all have our own definition of the word reality despite what is written in the dictionary. And you have an interesting way of looking at the definition though even if I do think differently. No biggie. ;)

[Love2Dance]

I just wanted to say that a lot of the advice posted here has been really great. I think that alot of the advice is not being considered for what it's worth, such as the value of counseling. Anyone who has been to a counselor recognizes the value of counseling, plus the value of going to someone professional as opposed to just going to a friend or relative. I think the biggest hangup that anyone asking for advice can have is failing to recognize that asking for advice should also accompany a willingness to listen to that advice. It seems that a lot of people who ask for advice really have already made up their minds on whatever and are just looking for affirmation, instead of really seeking advice. Advice is not good or bad, or even right or wrong. Advice is merely advice, it just is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. I find it entertaining when someone asks for advice and then contests the validity of it, or ignores whatever doesn't fit their accepted paradigm.

[SPratt74]

I just wanted to say that a lot of the advice posted here has been really great. I think that alot of the advice is not being considered for what it's worth, such as the value of counseling. Anyone who has been to a counselor recognizes the value of counseling, plus the value of going to someone professional as opposed to just going to a friend or relative. I think the biggest hangup that anyone asking for advice can have is failing to recognize that asking for advice should also accompany a willingness to listen to that advice. It seems that a lot of people who ask for advice really have already made up their minds on whatever and are just looking for affirmation, instead of really seeking advice. Advice is not good or bad, or even right or wrong. Advice is merely advice, it just is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. I find it entertaining when someone asks for advice and then contests the validity of it, or ignores whatever doesn't fit their accepted paradigm.

I don't find anything entertaining in posts that ask for help (if it's me or someone else). What a person decides to do is up to them, and that should not be laughed at... especially when it's a serious matter. You do not know how vulnerable a person is, and to laugh at them in a time of crisis (no matter how big or small) is not right.

[DancePoet]

That makes sense. I don't know if I can do that though, but it is a thought that I should take in. ;)
Being a sponge to other people's thoughts makes us feel good, but it is acting on such thoughts that could change your life. ;)

[SPratt74]

Being a sponge to other people's thoughts makes us feel good, but it is acting on such thoughts that could change your life. ;)

That should be under that gems of wisdom thread lol, but I agree! It's just what thought do you want to have change your life... only you can decide unfortunately. But hey... maybe you might get inspired by someone else's words of wisdom. You never know until that time approaches. ;)

[DancinAnne]

I don't find anything entertaining in posts that ask for help (if it's me or someone else). What a person decides to do is up to them, and that should not be laughed at... especially when it's a serious matter. You do not know how vulnerable a person is, and to laugh at them in a time of crisis (no matter how big or small) is not right.

That was not what Love2Dance said. It was you that used the word laugh. Not her/him. You are twisting the words. What they said was that it was entertaining (and this is said tongue in cheek, I suspect) when advice is asked for and then not heeded or, at the very least, carefully considered.

[DancePoet]

Well, in my life... I have put the needs first before the things that I have wanted.
Hopefully everyone does.

Food, water, shelter, clothing. Much of everything else is a want. ;)

[DancePoet]

Well, the problems that I have talked about to this point were not caused by me when it came to the old studio. I had went through a situation that I still don't understand why it happened in the first place and I was hurt.
Saying that someone else caused the problems is not finding one's own responsibility for the issue as well, and finding such means we can then act to be certain it doesn't happen again. Blame implys only being the victim. Taking responsibility for one's own reality can lead to real joy.

[DancePoet]

I just wanted to say that a lot of the advice posted here has been really great. I think that alot of the advice is not being considered for what it's worth, such as the value of counseling. Anyone who has been to a counselor recognizes the value of counseling, plus the value of going to someone professional as opposed to just going to a friend or relative. I think the biggest hangup that anyone asking for advice can have is failing to recognize that asking for advice should also accompany a willingness to listen to that advice. It seems that a lot of people who ask for advice really have already made up their minds on whatever and are just looking for affirmation, instead of really seeking advice. Advice is not good or bad, or even right or wrong. Advice is merely advice, it just is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. I find it entertaining when someone asks for advice and then contests the validity of it, or ignores whatever doesn't fit their accepted paradigm.
Ayuh, that seems to be what is happening with this thread.

[SPratt74]

Saying that someone else caused the problems is not finding one's own responsibility for the issue as well, and finding such means we can then act to be certain it doesn't happen again. Blame implys only being the victim. Taking responsibility for one's own reality can lead to real joy.

This is true. But if I knew what I did to cause the issue, then it would be a different story. But that I will never know. I just know what happened, who said what, and the result. And then of course it happened yet once again even afterwards. So, at this point I wish I knew how to stop it. But I can't control what other people say and do unfortunately. But yeah if I knew what I did wrong, then by all means let me take responsibility for my actions. Those that know me know that I do this. But I think that for some things... you may never know the answer. And to say that it's always your fault really isn't true either. Whoever all is involved should take blame.... not just one person. ;)

[SPratt74]

Ayuh, that seems to be what is happening with this thread.

Lol.. I have to disagree with you here. You will probably never know which route I choose to take. Just because I may or may not want to do something now does not mean that it won't happen to me later on in life. So, one shouldn't be judged so quickly nor should one decide what to do so quickly either. ;)

[DancePoet]

I don't find anything entertaining in posts that ask for help (if it's me or someone else).
Perhaps.

What a person decides to do is up to them, and that should not be laughed at... especially when it's a serious matter. You do not know how vulnerable a person is, and to laugh at them in a time of crisis (no matter how big or small) is not right.
There seems to be quite a bit of entertainment that is found in the advice that you receive. This can wear on people quite a bit.

[DancePoet]

That should be under that gems of wisdom thread lol, but I agree! It's just what thought do you want to have change your life... only you can decide unfortunately. But hey... maybe you might get inspired by someone else's words of wisdom. You never know until that time approaches. ;)
Have you made any choices yet based on the advice on this thread?

[DancinAnne]

Saying that someone else caused the problems is not finding one's own responsibility for the issue as well, and finding such means we can then act to be certain it doesn't happen again. Blame implys only being the victim. Taking responsibility for one's own reality can lead to real joy.

Well said, DancePoet. I feel the same way regarding taking responsibility for one's own reality. I have gained much by doing so, though admittedly sometimes it was with reluctance that I took the responsilibity for some things! But, with the help of my counselor, I have learned a lot about facing oneself honestly and finding true happiness.

[SPratt74]

There seems to be quite a bit of entertainment that is found in the advice that you receive. This can wear on people quite a bit.

But when something is of a serious issue, it still should not be regarded as entertainment. I think that is probably the wrong word to use. Sometimes we look back and laugh at ourselves, but not always. This is one of those times in my life for me where I do take myself seriously and the things that are said to me seriously.

[DancePoet]

That was not what Love2Dance said. It was you that used the word laugh. Not her/him. You are twisting the words. What they said was that it was entertaining (and this is said tongue in cheek, I suspect) when advice is asked for and then not heeded or, at the very least, carefully considered.
Good point. It seems like the OP is the one finding quite a bit of entertainment here, making her feel better in the short term, rather then heeding the advice given, and improving one's condition over the long term. And perhaps we are enabling her to do this. Hmmm.

[SPratt74]

Have you made any choices yet based on the advice on this thread?

I haven't decided yet. It's only been one day. I have a lot of thinking to do, and I've always believed that one shouldn't be so quick to decide on something that is of an important issue.

[SPratt74]

Good point. It seems like the OP is the one finding quite a bit of entertainment here, making her feel better in the short term, rather then heeding the advice given, and improving one's condition over the long term. And perhaps we are enabling her to do this. Hmmm.

That is not true. Again, I don't know what you mean by entertainment. What I choose to do is going to take me longer to decide on. I don't think it's right to take such a serious matter lightly and make a decision over night. I appreciate all of the advice here, and have even sent pm's to thank people, because it's stuff that I might not have thought of. And no one is enabling me to do anything. I am an adult. I can make my own decisions whether someone agrees with me or not is not really my problem.

[DancePoet]

This is true. But if I knew what I did to cause the issue, then it would be a different story. But that I will never know. I just know what happened, who said what, and the result. And then of course it happened yet once again even afterwards. So, at this point I wish I knew how to stop it. But I can't control what other people say and do unfortunately. But yeah if I knew what I did wrong, then by all means let me take responsibility for my actions. Those that know me know that I do this. But I think that for some things... you may never know the answer. And to say that it's always your fault really isn't true either. Whoever all is involved should take blame.... not just one person. ;)
SPratt74, let me be clear, my patience is wearing thin. I did not claim only one person "should take blame". In fact, I'm advocating quite the opposite.

And this is at least the second or third time I've seen you twisting other's words on this thread, and this can be quite annoying.

Instead, what is happening with your view is that you aren't taking any responsibility for your part in whatever occured. Saying you don't know, strikes me as being dishonest with your own feelings. This doesn't mean the moderating staff wants to start seeing the details of this topic appearing on this website as you justify the victimhood that you are currently taking either.

It is beginning to feel like you are treading on thin ice with this thread at the moment.

[SPratt74]

SPratt74, let me be clear, my patience is wearing thin. I did not claim only one person "should take blame". In fact, I'm advocating quite the opposite.

And this is at least the second or third time I've seen you twisting other's words on this thread, and this can be quite annoying.

Instead, what is happening with your view is that you aren't taking any responsibility for your part in whatever occured. Saying you don't know, strikes me as being dishonest with your own feelings. This doesn't mean the moderating staff wants to start seeing the details of this topic appearing on this website as you justify the victimhood that you are currently taking either.

It is beginning to feel like you are treading on thin ice with this thread at the moment.

The thread wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I wrote it when I was upset. I'm sorry. I guess nothing I say or do at this point will matter anyways until I make up my mind. I am taking everything in, and I thank everyone for helping me. I guess the best thing to do now would be to drop this issue before it turns into something it wasn't supposed to turn into. Thanks again. ;)

[DancePoet]

Lol.. I have to disagree with you here. You will probably never know which route I choose to take. Just because I may or may not want to do something now does not mean that it won't happen to me later on in life. So, one shouldn't be judged so quickly nor should one decide what to do so quickly either. ;)
My judgement is based on what I'm seeing happen on this thread. ;)

[SPratt74]

My judgement is based on what I'm seeing happen on this thread. ;)

I understand and I am sorry. When I said I didn't know, I guess I was talking about another topic and not the OP. So, I think that OP got off topic, and I do apologize for that. I really am sorry. ;)

[DancePoet]

But when something is of a serious issue, it still should not be regarded as entertainment.
Nor the advice that is being given, and that is what some of us are seeing you do on this thread. ;)

[DancePoet]

I haven't decided yet. It's only been one day. I have a lot of thinking to do, and I've always believed that one shouldn't be so quick to decide on something that is of an important issue.
Yet you have been quick to decide on not "needing" nor wanting counseling. ;)

[SPratt74]

Yet you have been quick to decide on not "needing" nor wanting counseling. ;)

Not really. I can't just do it right now. I can't afford hardly anything right now. That's why I can't take things like that into consideration for the time being. I have to be practical is all I'm saying... at least for right now. That's why when I said that you might not know what route I take in the future, because I could decide a couple of years from now when I have the money to go that way. But you know I got to pay the bills first lol! ;)

[DancePoet]

Apology accepted. Thread is being closed, at least temporarily, perhaps more.