Problem Parents:Teaching from the sidelines

[dancedevine]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if any other teachers ever had this come up in their classes. I teach a tweens and teens ballroom class and have in one class a mother that is very nice but is compelled to coach her child from the sidelines. This is a beginning class. I have tried to be diplomatic and respond by saying something like, "Ok sideline coaches have to join us"...but as yet this hasn't discouraged her.

I always thought I wanted a stage mom like the one in the movie Beaches...but now...I am so relieved I missed out on this type of mother! I like the parent as a person and do not want to offend her but her behavior is really distracting to everyone and most often she is giving unhelpful advice to her more than already anxious teen!

Our next class session begins soon and I was thinking of including something in the first handout asking parents and non-participants to refrain from coaching and commenting during our class time.

Any thoughts?:confused:

Signed,

newbie teacher

[SPratt74]

I used to be in charge of supervisors and refs at sports games, and I can tell you that parents of these kids can be the worst. I never really had any problems with the kids, but the parents would start fights amongst other things with everyone including the coaches. I think it's great that they want to be involved in their childrens lives, but still... sometimes they can go tooooo far.

By the way... welcome to DF! ;)

[dancedevine]

I used to be in charge of supervisors and refs at sports games, and I can tell you that parents of these kids can be the worst. I never really had any problems with the kids, but the parents would start fights amongst other things with everyone including the coaches. I think it's great that they want to be involved in their childrens lives, but still... sometimes they can go tooooo far.

By the way... welcome to DF! ;)
Wow! That was so fast! Thanks for the reply :) You said it! These parents are so counterproductive!! If only they could see the error of their ways! I think they are trying to live through their child in a way that is altogether unhealthy for everyone involved.

Were you ever able to discover a way to chill out the sideline parental coaching?

Thanks for the warm welcome also:) I have been quietly reading the many helpful posts here and plucked up the courage to add to the mix;)

[SPratt74]

Wow! That was so fast! Thanks for the reply :) You said it! These parents are so counterproductive!! If only they could see the error of their ways! I think they are trying to live through their child in a way that is altogether unhealthy for everyone involved.

Were you ever able to discover a way to chill out the sideline parental coaching?

Thanks for the warm welcome also:) I have been quietly reading the many helpful posts here and plucked up the courage to add to the mix;)

Thanks! Well, at one time I had to separate a couple of the coaches. They were trying to start a fight in the hallway after the game, and I said that I would see to it that they didn't coach again if they didn't leave. Of course, I was younger than them, but deep down they knew that I meant it.

I couldn't really control the parents. All I could do is to warn them. I could have punished the coaches for the parents behavior, but I didn't want to if I didn't have to (and to be honest I never had to after the warnings). Because to me that's sort of like blaming the kids. So, I'd say give them warnings (if you can), and mean it.

But again, I was higher up than the coaches, refs etc., so they knew I meant business. I'm not sure about if I were a teacher what would happen that way, but the most that I could do then is to tell the higher up and see what they say is the best way to solve that situation. But that's what I would do. Maybe another DF'r will have a different approach. ;)

[Peaches]

What about telling them they are not allowed to be in the room?

They're tweens and teens--not toddlers. Surely they can be out of mommy's sight for the duration of a supervised class?

I'd just make it very clear at the start of the new session that it's a new class policy--only students and the teacher are allowed in the classroom. Say it's b/c kids are easily distracted, and it provides the best learning environment. I dunno...make it up.

My mother was a piano & flute teacher for years (from home). She ALWAYS had the rule that parents were never allowed in the room while the kids were being taught. For much the same reason (also b/c the kids would often be distracted). They could sit in the living room across the hall (where they had a clear view of the piano, so there was no question of impropriety), or could be out in their car, but they were not allowed to be in the same room. (Or, conversely, drop them off and leave altogether.)

[fascination]

I think most parents who do this have been too lazy or cowardly to achieve their own goals or improve their own lives so they try to channel all of their unfulfillment into making their kids succeed...I think it's sad and that folks who observe it should take the stearnest yet compassionate stance against tolerating it

[Twilight_Elena]

I think Peaches gave a great idea. You're the teacher, you set the rules. I'd certainly feel bad if my mom was in the same room, even if she didn't say a word, let alone correct me all the time.

T_E

[fascination]

agree...I don't even go to my kid's solo ensembles unless they say I can b/c it freaks them out too much...and I understand...it's always hardest for me to sing or dance in front of the people I care most about (or the people who I really want to prove something to)

[mamboqueen]

I agree with the policy of keeping the parents out of the room when the kids are being taught. It is a distraction, not just for you, but for the kids.

I am a parent of a child who takes lessons. They don't let us in the room, although in one of the studios, there's a window we can view from. And most of the time, I am not there as I run to my studio for my lessons while my daughter has hers. BUT, I will say that as much as I don't want to be a "stage mother", I have heard from my daughter that her private lessons are routinely interrupted by others coming over and chatting with her teacher. So, my problem is that I don't see the interruptions and have to take her at her word. I'm paying good money for her lessons and want the teacher to TEACH her for the time I'm paying for. I'm quite certain they would not do the same thing to an adult student. So, the next time her lesson is interrupted, I will have to think of a way to address it with the teacher, without sounding like a stage mother.

[Peaches]

MQ, I think there's a huge difference b/t being a "stage mother" and insisting that you child receive the instruction that you've paid for her to get.

[fascination]

yes....and it isn't dependent upon whether or not they give you that "you're being a PITA look either"

[mamboqueen]

yes....and it isn't dependent upon whether or not they give you that "you're being a PITA look either"

I know, I know. I'm just going to have to come up with a diplomatic way of saying it. I figured since they know that I am a dance student as well, they know I'm a little educated in how it's "supposed" to work. We'll see what happens.

[fascination]

well, just remember....it ain't the end of the world just b/c they think you're a "B"....it hasn't killed me yet

[mamboqueen]

well, just remember....it ain't the end of the world just b/c they think you're a "B"....it hasn't killed me yet

*LOL* I'll just keep reading the Andy Rooney bit....it always helps ;)

[fascination]

you can do it you can do it you can do it

[DennisBeach]

I used to be in charge of supervisors and refs at sports games, and I can tell you that parents of these kids can be the worst. I never really had any problems with the kids, but the parents would start fights amongst other things with everyone including the coaches. I think it's great that they want to be involved in their childrens lives, but still... sometimes they can go tooooo far.

By the way... welcome to DF! ;)

I heard one young boy at a soccer match, yell at his teammates, listen to the coach, not the parents. He yelled it load enough for the parents to hear it. I was really impressed by this kid. Parents can really be a pain with the yelling at officials and coaching from the sidelines. It usually is never the parents who actually understand the game that try to coach. It is always the ones who don't that yell.

[SPratt74]

What about telling them they are not allowed to be in the room?

That's a very good policy, and a policy that I know works. Good going. ;)

[Genesius Redux]

I run into this all the time whenever I cast children, or have to work with children in theatre. I generally don't let the parents come to rehearsals and I make a point of giving the kids their own notes every night (i.e. I try not to neglect them).

The most difficult was an audition I was at for To Kill a Mockingbird. They were looking at me for Atticus, and I had to read with a little girl who was being looked at for Scout. And I'm trying to establish an actor's relationship with the kid, and the mother is right there side-coaching her daughter (badly). So I just asked the mom politely if she minded if we went off into another corner of the room and read through the scene a couple of times on our own. And she let us, which was nice. As soon as the mom was gone, the kid totally relaxed and began to play with me.

So, yeah, I think that some basic rules for parents need to be laid down. Just pattern them on any normal ballet class, where parents are routinely excluded. If you do that, though, there have to be some times that you set for the parents to actually come in and see--maybe just little mini-showcases or a brief little formation.