How to NOT cry when it's not appropriate to do so...

[wooh]

I cry when I get frustrated or really mad. I get really mad and frustrated at work sometimes (ok, often). I don't want to cry at work. But just not wanting to, it's not enough to stop the floodgates. Anyone have any ideas for how to stop the tears when they're coming at an inappropriate time? Especially if you're someone who's prone to it. (At times I'm so jealous of my husband, who can't even cry when it's more than appropriate to do so.)

[Peaches]

My aunt swears by either digging one fingernail kind of underneath another (say, middle finger nail just under--really at the tender fleshy part at the tip of the finger--the thumb), or by pinching the web between the thumb and index finger.

Another friend of mine, who also cries easily, puts pressure (usually with the knuckle of her thumb) against the center of her top lip. Where the little cleft thingy is.

I'm not much of a cryer (crier? now neither looks right), so I can't vouch for either one. But it seems as if the key is creating enough discomfort, and focusing on it, to detract your other emotions. I have used the web-pinching trick to control anger/rage...it works for that, at least.

[SPratt74]

I'm sorry wooh. I've been taught to sit and to smile pretty etc. My dad wouldn't allow us to cry in other words. Heck, I ended up with a broken nose in seventh grade, and he told me not to cry lol. That's how he was. I get upset though like everyone else. I just try to calm myself down by taking some deep breaths. When I worked at the college, I would take breaks and walk around a bit to calm down. Some people smoked, but I would walk around. Maybe you can do something like that at work? Even if it's around the building, walking some place usually helped me with the fresh air and things like that. ;)

[quixotedlm]

<unhelpful remark>
i'm like spratt. wish i knew how to cry under circumstances that would cause many a strong hearted person to cry. one of these days, i'll learn to share my emotions better under adversity, and be able to cry.
</u r>

[fascination]

I cry when I get frustrated or really mad. I get really mad and frustrated at work sometimes (ok, often). I don't want to cry at work. But just not wanting to, it's not enough to stop the floodgates. Anyone have any ideas for how to stop the tears when they're coming at an inappropriate time? Especially if you're someone who's prone to it. (At times I'm so jealous of my husband, who can't even cry when it's more than appropriate to do so.)
remind me to get back to you on this...at work ATM

[DWise1]

Relaxing and taking a deep breath usually helps. Though I haven't yet worked out being able to continue to talk, which isn't usually a problem since being with other people also helps, especially when we're involved in some activity that diverts my attention. It's when I'm alone and my mind can wander when it hits. Though it hasn't really impacted my driving yet.

[fascination]

for starters, pretend that you are around people that you loathe...and pick anger instead....make it a life or death thing...beyond that, to the extreme opposite, I have always heard that tears were a sign of love and compassion and it takes more courage to be vulnerable than to hide it...hug hug

[wooh]

I've tried the deep breathing, it should help. Scientifically even, it should help. But it's just not enough. I'll have to try the pain thing. Of course, the big problem is remembering the little tricks when I'm in the midst of being so pissed about whatever is frustrating me at the time. I like the anger idea, it makes me dance better, shouldn't it make me work better too?hehe! But I don't tend to cry at work when I'm sad, it's when I'm mad anyway, and whoever I'm with, I'm generally pretty loathing at the moment anyway.
Of course, I was really hoping someone had something really magical, like a pill or something, hehe!
I have always heard that tears were a sign of love and compassion and it takes more courage to be vulnerable than to hide it...
If it was "sad" tears, it wouldn't be a problem for me. Especially in my line of work, tears for sadness are acceptable (at appropriate times.) But it's when I'm mad, and when I'm mad, I don't want to look "weak" and so then I'm teary because I'm mad and then I'm mad at myself for being teary which makes me more teary and then...argh!! And lately it's just been really pissing me off that I can't get a handle on it.

[thespina13]

I cried today when I screwed everything up and wasted an hour of my dance partner's time and mine. I was crying in a cafe by myself and couldn't take it... so I texted him and apologized like three times. He called me back and said he was pissed off and needed me to help him get over it. I asked him how I could do that, and he said "think of a solution to this problem." Later, in the car, he was telling me that he was disappointe din me not because i goofed up or because I wasted time or whatever, but that I didn't know him well enough to know that he didn't need three apologies or me feeling ****ty, but that I should have just focused and thought immediately about how to solve the problem. Well, that made me feel ****ty again, but I understood what he was getting at. Ultimately, I have to work on training myself to breathe and force my thoughts into solution mode. "I'm stressed beyond belief. What do I do first?" or realizing that someone else's reactions and emotions are their problems and they're responsible for them, while my responsibliity is to think of the next step towards fixing things. If you are able to think productively, you might be able to stop from getting overwhelmed.

What's also key is recognizing the signs of the buildup towards your agitation, and taking steps to interrupt yourself before you go all the way. Once you're there in the emotional climax, it's very hard to get out of it. It's much easier to interrupt yourself before you get there and get into a problem-solving mindset. "Ok, my heart's starting to go crazy and I'm starting to get mad." Then step away, think about the next step, understand where your limits are, whatever it is. I don't know what's getting you mad,but understanding it and your reaction TO it is veryimportant. Good job, writing here and trying to break your pattern!

[wooh]

^^Interesting thoughts, must ponder them for a while...

[Shooshoo]

If I'm mad at work and have tears close (that used to happen when I first started working, but I trained myself not to react now), I'd try to go for a walk and choose not to respond to what made me angry right away. Let the situation pass and then repsond when you're not upset.
I have also trained myself not to take work personally. So I don't get that emotional at work. But I guess that depends on your type of job and if it needs your passion or not.

[Joe]

Happy place.

Y'all take things way too personal.

[fascination]

I've tried the deep breathing, it should help. Scientifically even, it should help. But it's just not enough. I'll have to try the pain thing. Of course, the big problem is remembering the little tricks when I'm in the midst of being so pissed about whatever is frustrating me at the time. I like the anger idea, it makes me dance better, shouldn't it make me work better too?hehe! But I don't tend to cry at work when I'm sad, it's when I'm mad anyway, and whoever I'm with, I'm generally pretty loathing at the moment anyway.
Of course, I was really hoping someone had something really magical, like a pill or something, hehe!

If it was "sad" tears, it wouldn't be a problem for me. Especially in my line of work, tears for sadness are acceptable (at appropriate times.) But it's when I'm mad, and when I'm mad, I don't want to look "weak" and so then I'm teary because I'm mad and then I'm mad at myself for being teary which makes me more teary and then...argh!! And lately it's just been really pissing me off that I can't get a handle on it.
given this, I would examine why the tears...are you hurt and disappointed that people can be such pigs?...is that tapping into childhood issues?...b/c if that is something you can be in touch with, then you can harness your sense of pride and personal indignity and see the actions that cause this as injustice and be far less likely to allow the behaviors to to have that sort of sway...but, in general wooh, cargivers tend to be tender.... regardless of the cause.... I also doubt it is seen as weakness by others beside yourself

[SPratt74]

If I'm mad at work and have tears close (that used to happen when I first started working, but I trained myself not to react now), I'd try to go for a walk and choose not to respond to what made me angry right away. Let the situation pass and then repsond when you're not upset.
I have also trained myself not to take work personally. So I don't get that emotional at work. But I guess that depends on your type of job and if it needs your passion or not.

Oh man... the kind of job that I had at my college would have made anyone cry lol. I was one of the few that never took things personally. Sometimes the girls would drive me crazy, and I would have to get away for a bit. But jobs can be like this. I suppose this is why I choose to do things that I enjoy doing even if it doesn't pay well. The stress isn't worth it to me. Luckily for me I left when I did though, because there was a huge turn over rate right after I left after a new President took charge. Plus... a new law suit is being conducted over the last President, so yeah... jobs can be stressful.

Oh and one more thing that I do is that I get away for lunch whether I go to a park or what. That helps me clear my mind too. I'm not being bugged, and I'm usually so bored by the end of lunch that I want to get back to work. So, it works out great! ;)

[anp73ga31]

I can sympathize. When I get really mad, I tear up. And then people think I'm upset and do the "oh, honey, its alright...i didnt mean to upset you", like I am one of those silly, delicate women who cries when she is hurt, when in fact, I am not upset at all, just ticked off and trying to fight for my rights or defend myself, etc. It is very irritating. I have yet to find a way to turn the waterworks off...I would love to figure out what causes that so that I can avoid getting even more mad when people misunderstand it. :rolleyes: And all the suggestions on here are good in most situations, but if you are right in the middle of a discussion/conversation where you are complaining/explaining yourself, etc. you cant just stop and walk away. However, when at work and and something happens that is just the last straw, so to speak...I just sit at my desk and cry silently or go to the bathroom and do it. Sometimes you get so frustrated with circumstances beyond your control and the actions of other people, etc. that you just have to get it out or it just gets worse(in my case, the more the frustration builds up, the more my shoulders and neck tense up, and the more likely I am to have a really bad headache or neckache...so for me its better to cry and get it over with). Sorry, I'm not much help here! lol!

[Larinda McRaven]

When I get really mad, I tear up. And then people think I'm upset and do the "oh, honey, its alright...i didnt mean to upset you", like I am one of those silly, delicate women who cries when she is hurt, when in fact, I am not upset at all, just ticked off and trying to fight for my rights or defend myself, etc. It is very irritating. I have yet to find a way to turn the waterworks off...I would love to figure out what causes that so that I can avoid getting even more mad when people misunderstand it.

this is sssoooooo me!

[Genesius Redux]

I used to have these bouts of explosive anger--always a little better able to control it when I was seriously working out--but still, they'd come at me and I'd have to figure out why it was happening to make it stop. Partly that came from analyzing myself--like someone said, figuring out the triggers that lead to the feeling.

For me, it was always a matter of being too invested in something, having expectations that were too high, relying too much on other people to behave or perceive in certain ways. Once I developed a clearer sense of what I could control in the world and what I couldn't, the anger became easier to manage.

So I start out with a sense of what I can control--I delegate if I have to, but always leave room in case the stuff doesn't get done. And I let go of everything over which I have no control.

For example, in the recent show I directed, there were a couple of scenes that were working very well--everyone was off book early, and they all had a great work ethic. Then there were some scenes that just couldn't be worked because one or more of the actors wasn't off book. And there was one that I couldn't work with at all because the actor's schedule kept changing, and she waited until the last minute to memorize stuff.

So I focused on the good stuff and made it as polished as possible. On some of the scenes where the actors weren't really off book, I made an executive decision on the blocking and just walked them through it line by line (and thus their performance was not really their performance but really my own performance pasted on them), and the actor who really wasn't ready with the monologue, I just kind of gave her general notes on beats and focus and intention and shrugged my shoulders--dealing with opening night was her problem, not mine.

Thus, when I deal with things--they are what they are. People are actually amazed to watch how cool I can be when I handle these impossible things as a director. I never lose patience, never raise my voice, never get ruffled. If something bad happens, I figure out a way to fix it if I can, and if I can't, I just say--"Well, it's live theatre. Whatever."

Letting go. You'll be amazed at how well it works....

For what it's worth,

GR

[wooh]

When I get really mad, I tear up. And then people think I'm upset and do the "oh, honey, its alright...i didnt mean to upset you", like I am one of those silly, delicate women who cries when she is hurt, when in fact, I am not upset at all, just ticked off and trying to fight for my rights or defend myself, etc.

THAT is it right there! I'm not silly and delicate! I'm pissed!!!

[wooh]

then you can harness your sense of pride and personal indignity and see the actions that cause this as injustice and be far less likely to allow the behaviors to to have that sort of sway...I also doubt it is seen as weakness by others beside yourself





For me, it was always a matter of being too invested in something, having expectations that were too high, relying too much on other people to behave or perceive in certain ways. Once I developed a clearer sense of what I could control in the world and what I couldn't, the anger became easier to manage.

So I start out with a sense of what I can control--I delegate if I have to, but always leave room in case the stuff doesn't get done. And I let go of everything over which I have no control.



I see these two ideas as connected. I'm letting things get to me that I should manage to compartmentalize. I get pissed about other people's laziness (and there's only 2 people in my unit that are lazy, unfortunately, one of them is in charge.) Guess I can't change that. I get pissed about management lying to me, I should expect that by now and just go on with my day.
My biggest problem is that it's my job to fight for patient safety (I'm a nurse for those that don't know) and it's a constant fight to say, "I'm not just lazy and want to work less, this workload is unsafe for the patients." Management of course wants to squeeze every last drop of work they can out of us. We're caught as being the scapegoat if we screw up, but when you're working at 125% every single day, something eventually is going to give. And when you're told day after day things will get better (hasn't in 2 years, why should I believe it now?), and that we just need to "work together" (how the hades do you think we've been getting by?)
I start the day telling myself I can only do what I can do, but when you know if you did just a little bit more, it would make all the difference for your patient, it's just not in me to not do it. And the time to do it, I'm staying late, and losing my lunch and breaks. Which I know I need, and try to at least take a few minutes here and there.
I'm burnt, really burnt out. As is everybody, and when we've all got this crappy attitude, it's great for comraderie but otherwise, it's killing us. We got an award for being the unit with the best teamwork. We joked, "We've got bad attitudes, but we've got them together!!" Before my next shift, I'm going to really try to think about how I can separate what I can control from what I can't. And stop worrying about trying to control and fix what I can't. And just start walking away from my management (which is when I tend to cry is when they start lying to my face, because that REALLY pisses me off), they aren't listening anyway, so might as well wait and send them an email.
Thanks for the rant guys! (And for people that know me in person, we're still the best place to send the types of patients we take, because believe me, no other hospital in the area is any better than this, and we at least know what we're doing with our kind of patients.)
And for those that don't know me, any support you can give to nurse-patient ratio laws, give it! The hospitals won't go under (the only ones in California to do so, were going under anyway). And it could save your family member's life the next time they're in the hospital.

[LatinDancer006]

When you find yourself in such a situation, just ask yourself how you would react or feel if you were a guy? No, don't do that. I'm just been facetious.

[wooh]

When you find yourself in such a situation, just ask yourself how you would react or feel if you were a guy? No, don't do that. I'm just been facetious.

:bkick:

[Genesius Redux]

Wow--that's a high stress job under even really good conditions.

Maybe just tell yourself this--that while you're there to fight for the patients, you are part of the process and not the result. You do your part by making the part that you do a little better than the surrounding environment. What can you do more than that?

I totally hear you when you say you're burnt out. Try and trust yourself and remember that if you're really ready for a change, you'll make it. Since you're a good person with a conscience, everything you do is what you have to do, not like you've got a choice. Even if you bust out crying at times when it's not appropriate--happens for a reason. Your posting on here--for a reason.

It all makes sense. Do what you can do--if it's still too much, you'll make the change you need to make. It will all turn out the way it should.

And get yourself at least one nice long massage every two weeks.

[fascination]

I see these two ideas as connected. I'm letting things get to me that I should manage to compartmentalize. I get pissed about other people's laziness (and there's only 2 people in my unit that are lazy, unfortunately, one of them is in charge.) Guess I can't change that. I get pissed about management lying to me, I should expect that by now and just go on with my day.
My biggest problem is that it's my job to fight for patient safety (I'm a nurse for those that don't know) and it's a constant fight to say, "I'm not just lazy and want to work less, this workload is unsafe for the patients." Management of course wants to squeeze every last drop of work they can out of us. We're caught as being the scapegoat if we screw up, but when you're working at 125% every single day, something eventually is going to give. And when you're told day after day things will get better (hasn't in 2 years, why should I believe it now?), and that we just need to "work together" (how the hades do you think we've been getting by?)
I start the day telling myself I can only do what I can do, but when you know if you did just a little bit more, it would make all the difference for your patient, it's just not in me to not do it. And the time to do it, I'm staying late, and losing my lunch and breaks. Which I know I need, and try to at least take a few minutes here and there.
I'm burnt, really burnt out. As is everybody, and when we've all got this crappy attitude, it's great for comraderie but otherwise, it's killing us. We got an award for being the unit with the best teamwork. We joked, "We've got bad attitudes, but we've got them together!!" Before my next shift, I'm going to really try to think about how I can separate what I can control from what I can't. And stop worrying about trying to control and fix what I can't. And just start walking away from my management (which is when I tend to cry is when they start lying to my face, because that REALLY pisses me off), they aren't listening anyway, so might as well wait and send them an email.
Thanks for the rant guys! (And for people that know me in person, we're still the best place to send the types of patients we take, because believe me, no other hospital in the area is any better than this, and we at least know what we're doing with our kind of patients.)
And for those that don't know me, any support you can give to nurse-patient ratio laws, give it! The hospitals won't go under (the only ones in California to do so, were going under anyway). And it could save your family member's life the next time they're in the hospital.
wooh I so empathize...the hardest part of working for hospice for me wasn't that patients were dying....it was the ratio of them to me...caring people care...and it is a grief in and of itself to day after day be unable to meet the need and to be told that nothing can change....if I did good patient care I had office people "-itching" that my paperwork wasn't done...if I did my paperwork I was constantly feeling guilty about the people who I felt I was neglecting...I was sick of seeing other people who had long since given up and knew how to cheat and take the easy way out and just look like they were doing something...and then I had to go home and try to cover all of those bases...my life was out of control...and that was a depressing loss...enough to make a strong competent woman cry....and then end up in the hospital eventually...I had to make alot of ultimatums and tough choices to save myself...exhaustion and frustration and depression, and no percieved way out are pretty good reasons for tears...