Partner Crushes

[precious12]

Hi, i just wanted to ask if anybody out there had a crush on there instructor?
I have to admit i do,but i am too scarced to tell him or move forward on it if the studio has a policy that states instructors are not to be involved with students. I just wanted to ask if anybody knows what this policy is for an AM studio, and what do you all think about telling your partner how you feel, you know the advantages and disadvantages?
Thanks:p

[Indiana_Jay]

Hi, i just wanted to ask if anybody out there had a crush on there instructor?
I have to admit i do,but i am too scarced to tell him or move forward on it if the studio has a policy that states instructors are not to be involved with students. I just wanted to ask if anybody knows what this policy is for an AM studio, and what do you all think about telling your partner how you feel, you know the advantages and disadvantages?
Thanks:p

Welcome to Dance Forums, Precious12! It is not unusual for students to have crushes on their instructors. I know this, because I've seen DF members discuss it in the past. If you use the Search feature on the menu bar at near the top of the web page, you can probably find some of the existing message threads, this one, for example (http://www.dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=9960). I'm sure they'll be helpful to you.

Best,

Indiana_Jay

[BM]

Hi there, and welcome to DF,

You may want to search the archives, since this topic has been discussed in detail several times previously. Here are a few that may help you:

so there is this girl I kind of like :) (http://dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=16339&highlight=crush)

Dating people at your dance studio (http://dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=16678&highlight=crush)

I have a crush on my dance partner (http://dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=16419&highlight=crush)

Anyone ever fall for their dance teacher? (http://dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=14518&highlight=crush)

Managing my dance crush (http://dance-forums.com/showthread.php?t=14607&highlight=crush)

My two cents: avoid it, a) because dancing can create a chemistry that can be misinterpreted as romantic attraction, and b) logistics regarding the teacher-student relationship can get pretty messy. Good luck.

[BM]

Whoops, Indiana beat me to it. Oh well. Again, good luck!

[Indiana_Jay]

Whoops, Indiana beat me to it. Oh well. Again, good luck!

Yeah, but BM found more threads for you to look at!

I agree with him/her, by the way. While there have been cases of students having successful romantic relationships with teachers, it's a pretty rocky road. Studio non-fraternization policies, in my opinion, are well advised.

IJ

[BM]

::beams:: I try.

But yeah, be wary. Dance instructors are not necessarily sleezy business(wo)men, but they do want to sell lessons - after all, they have to pay their taxes, too - and they aren't likely to do that be being surly. Gentlemen instructors in particular may seem quite appealing to their lady students: what girl doesn't love being swept off her feet, both literally and figuratively, by a charming man who knows how to dance?

[Twilight_Elena]

Eh. Who doesn't? :lol:
Seriously? Although it's been discussed a gazillion times and I'd rather reply in an existing, revived thread, I can quickly say that yes. It happens to the best of us. We're talking about a man (or woman) who is nice and patient, a great dancer and there's the matter of that pesky body contact. What's not to like? In my humble experience, it happens very often with beginners and goes away after a little while.

T_E

[danceronice]

Whatever you do, don't act on it. Or if you do, and they are interested, establish clear boundaries AND immediately stop taking lessons from them.

If by AM you mean Arthur Murray, I am pretty sure they have the 'no socializing' policy. I think most studios do. Messing with a student could cost the instructor his/her job. It's not worth it for you or them.

[waltzgirl]

Hi, i just wanted to ask if anybody out there had a crush on there instructor?
I have to admit i do,but i am too scarced to tell him or move forward on it if the studio has a policy that states instructors are not to be involved with students. I just wanted to ask if anybody knows what this policy is for an AM studio, and what do you all think about telling your partner how you feel, you know the advantages and disadvantages?
Thanks:p

Let me just add another thought that might help you adjust your thoughts about him.

If he's your instructor, he's not really your "partner." It's not an equal relationship--at least, not unless you are also correcting his dancing :shock: :D! He's your only instructor, but you are one among many to him. He dances with women all day long, and, as part of his role as an instructor, he's being paid to be nice to you and to focus his attention on you. He's also being paid to do the same for a whole bunch of other women. Most instructors recognize that students do get crushes and they consider having to deal with them an "occupational hazard," not something they welcome.

Another thing to keep in mind is that a few instructors of both genders, either semi-innocently or not innocently at all, deliberately flirt with students. At best, it's a way to add a little spice to the lesson and can be part of the flavor of some dances like cha cha. At worst, they are consciously trying to make students fall in love with them to make sure they will keep paying for lessons to see them. These creeps aren't common, but they do occur.

[Joe]

Waltzgirl said it.

If you're pro/am-ing, he is partnering you, but he is not your partner. He's your teacher. If you are not pro/am-ing, he is still just your teacher.

[redhead]

If by AM you mean Arthur Murray, I am pretty sure they have the 'no socializing' policy. I think most studios do. Messing with a student could cost the instructor his/her job. It's not worth it for you or them.

I only know of one case of teacher/student relationship with a happy end, not sure if that was at FA or AM... and yes it did put the instructor back on the job market.

[fascination]

well there are plenty of happy endings...just way , way way way way more unhappy ones

[Phoenix]

Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. If there is a genuine interest on the part of your instructor, one of you will have to quit the studio. One of the other students I was friendly with suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, and wouldn't take calls from anyone associated with the studio. It didn't take long before everyone figured out what happened.

[fascination]

maybe...maybe not...some things can be conquered...or at least managed

[quixotedlm]

In any event, I'm sure nothing will happen while I'm still his student. But after the class ends next month and I'm not his student anymore, I'm wondering - is it okay/ethical to go out dancing with him (non-dating) or actually date him if he asks? Thanks for your thoughts.

1st, be sure that it's not a lure.

2nd, it is abosolutely not unethical to date him even now. His contractual obligations don't impose ethical burdens upon you. If it is your contractual obligation to not date instructiors, you can simply stop taking classes and date him. So after the classes are over, there is no need to even worry about it much.

But know this - good dancers often take fancy on other good dancers. His fancy might be in your potential (combined with the rest of you).It may wear off soon if you decide (someday) that you don't care much for realizing that potential.

Also know this - if you continue learning from him (even if you don't pay for it) while dating him, you'll likely end up resenting him. The role of a teacher is essentially an 'superior' position. Doesn't work well in a relationship (dating) that's based on the princple of 'different but equal' partnership.

[Indiana_Jay]

Okay, here's a little twist on the theme (or at least, I couldn't find it in the other threads). I think my dance teacher might have a crush on me.

All I know about Jenny's situation is what she has written here. Certainly not enough to make any judgments. But I gotta say, the more I read, the more a red flag went up. I can't help but feel the behavior as she described it sounds a tiny bit obsessive, perhaps even delusional.

-IJ

[wooh]

Keep in mind that if an instructor doesn't mind crossing the student/teacher boundary to date YOU, they may not mind crossing it later to cheat on you. Do they have a SO now that you don't know about? Dance instructors are salesman, so with them, like with all salesman, buyer beware, whatever they're selling.

[quixotedlm]

All I know about Jenny's situation is what she has written here. Certainly not enough to make any judgments. But I gotta say, the more I read, the more a red flag went up. I can't help but feel the behavior as she described it sounds a tiny bit obsessive, perhaps even delusional.

-IJ

it's not a crush if it doesn't feel a bit like drunken abandon...

[quixotedlm]

Keep in mind that if an instructor doesn't mind crossing the student/teacher boundary to date YOU, they may not mind crossing it later to cheat on you. Do they have a SO now that you don't know about? Dance instructors are salesman, so with them, like with all salesman, buyer beware, whatever they're selling.

many a salesman learns honesty esp. when selling to his wife... :rolleyes:

[Sandcastles]

My, what shame we have all become so jaded and cautious. How does that happen? (Rhetorical) Age I suppose. And life lessons. It's hard to know what anything is until you reach the other side.

[danceronice]

My, what shame we have all become so jaded and cautious. How does that happen? (Rhetorical) Age I suppose. And life lessons. It's hard to know what anything is until you reach the other side.


By getting burned. (Forgive me. I'm cynical. Not so much from anything dance-related, just life. And men. No offense to the XY set here. Dancers seem to be better than the average guy, at least.) Plus, again, from the instructors' side, they're looking at possibly losing their job. Then there's the reputation of the studio to consider.

I wouldn't say you have to leave the STUDIO. Just not dance with that instructor, especially if you in fact end up dating. The wife of one of my pros (they got married in April) dances with two of the other pros at the studio. But she doesn't compete with her husband. To me, this makes sense, both for the relationship and for the studio atmosphere. The instant it becomes clear there's anything more than dance going on, and it's mutual, the teacher/student relationship has to end.

Jenny: I'm not as cynical as some, but yeah, that situation sounds a bit odd. Even if he weren't an instructor I'd be a bit weirded out by a man getting that...I don't know, attached...that fast.

[Sandcastles]

By getting burned. (Forgive me. I'm cynical. Not so much from anything dance-related, just life. And men. No offense to the XY set here. Dancers seem to be better than the average guy, at least.)

I'm with you sister! Been burned a few times myself and I am amazed that I STILL will pick up the matches and play with fire !! LOL :confused:

[jennyisdancing]

1st, be sure that it's not a lure.

But know this - good dancers often take fancy on other good dancers. His fancy might be in your potential (combined with the rest of you).It may wear off soon if you decide (someday) that you don't care much for realizing that potential.

Also know this - if you continue learning from him (even if you don't pay for it) while dating him, you'll likely end up resenting him. The role of a teacher is essentially an 'superior' position. Doesn't work well in a relationship (dating) that's based on the princple of 'different but equal' partnership.

Interesting thoughts. Honestly, most of the time the guy just acts normal and professional, I only highlighted the unusual parts which are a very small percentage of this teacher's behavior. That's why I wasn't really sure if the guy even has a crush on me at all. But the rest of you seem pretty clear about it. :o

quix, I would agree that if someone hopes you can fulfill some sort of pygmalion fantasy for them, that's not a good relationship. But I think nothing is wrong in learning from someone, as long as it's not one-sided and each person is learning something from the other.

yeah, that situation sounds a bit odd. Even if he weren't an instructor I'd be a bit weirded out by a man getting that...I don't know, attached...that fast.

danceronice, I guess I really don't see this teacher as being 'attached' to me. Having a crush doesn't mean attached. This guy has a busy life and so do I. We're not normally in contact outside of class. Each of us dances socially with many other people. So I'm not worried in that sense. I will simply enjoy the class and when it's over it will be interesting to see what happens.

and yes, wooh, there's always the matter of finding out if the guy is already attached. But that's a given in any dating situation anyway.

[fascination]

I'm with you sister! Been burned a few times myself and I am amazed that I STILL will pick up the matches and play with fire !! LOL :confused:
well, here's the thing....ya just can't blame anyone else if you get burned...eyes wide open

[Dan C]

All Arthur Murray studios have a strict policy against fraternization. And it's not just for the teachers - read the fine print on your contract. The reasoning is that professional environment is better for everyone and it helps prevent all the bad stuff everyone has mentioned on this thread.

I'm not moralizing - whatever you do is your business, but you should know that how your teacher handles it is between him, you, *and his boss.*

[elisedance]

All Arthur Murray studios have a strict policy against fraternization. And it's not just for the teachers - read the fine print on your contract. The reasoning is that professional environment is better for everyone and it helps prevent all the bad stuff everyone has mentioned on this thread.


I'm not sure what you mean - is the rule solely with respec to interactions that involve teachers or also between students??

[fascination]

all true...and IMO...regardless, studios do tend to frown on it or have policies outright...

[fascination]

oops...just saw that has been answered...anyhow, not to make light of the situation...if you read the past threads you will understand why I wouldn't...but SERIOUSLY...run away from that idea as fast as you can....IMO, 98% probability of pain and suffering

[dansah]

AM has a strict policy against fratenization with students. You'll never keep it secret. He'll get fired. Don't do it. Any serious DF'er could, I'm sure, give you ten sad tales of carnage we've seen.

[Me]

I know a man who taught for a chain school in New York. Their anti-dating (or whatever) policies were so strict, they told their teachers, "If you cross the street and see a student, pretend you don't see her and walk the other way." Well he thought this was ridiculous. One day he went to a crowded cafe for lunch and a student had a table to herself. She invited him to eat with her. No big deal. They ate, chatted, and went their separate ways. A day or so later? He was 'called in' to the office and ordered to explain why he was 'seen' having lunch with a student. Utterly and completely ridiculous all the way around. It tells you not only how paranoid the studio was, but how truly petty and disgusting people can be - A full-grown adult saw them having lunch (what are the chances in NEW YORK but okay) and they went and tattled to the studio.

[spectator]

I would looooove to have a partner hot enough to have a crush on...
what can be more fun than that?
especially if you never spoil the fun by acting on it...

[fascination]

well there is the thing...you have to be able to percieve not acting upon it as fun....

personally, i'd rather not have the ...uh...cake/margarita...anywhere near me if I can't have it

[elisedance]

I know a man who taught for a chain school in New York. Their anti-dating (or whatever) policies were so strict, they told their teachers, "If you cross the street and see a student, pretend you don't see her and walk the other way." Well he thought this was ridiculous. One day he went to a crowded cafe for lunch and a student had a table to herself. She invited him to eat with her. No big deal. They ate, chatted, and went their separate ways. A day or so later? He was 'called in' to the office and ordered to explain why he was 'seen' having lunch with a student. Utterly and completely ridiculous all the way around. It tells you not only how paranoid the studio was, but how truly petty and disgusting people can be - A full-grown adult saw them having lunch (what are the chances in NEW YORK but okay) and they went and tattled to the studio.

There are probably several factors at play here. There may be legit legal issues - its not difficult to see how a relationship could become a discrimination case that the studio would be drawn into. However, this degree of control is, in my opinion, absurd and it may reflect other considerations. One is that the studio wants to minimize the possibility that the student becomes personally attached (I mean friends not relationships) to the teacher. The issue is that if the teacher leaves the studio an attached student would be quite likely to also leave. By trying to prevent any kind of personal attachment the studio may hope that the student would have a stronger attachment to them and switch to another teacher.

I have known teachers that have a 'do not compete' clause in their contract that specifies an area round the studio within which they can not teach daancing or start a studio for a specified period of time. Some of these work others are thrown out in court for being too general. [In one case the studio closed but the owners still tried to stop their assistant from teaching locally]Perhaps some of the teachers here could comment?

[Sabor]

personally, i'd rather not have the ...uh...cake/margarita...anywhere near me if I can't have it

ok.. so long as u dont stray from your diet.. diety

[fascination]

sigh...I am surrounded by comedians today

[Sabor]

excuse me.. was just trying to get my post count to 3000.. nothing personal

[fascination]

knock yourself out then

[liz]

what I think causes this problem is that students sometimes confuse the emotion of the dance with REALLY attraction... It is normal to have cemistry with your instructor, but it is not to be confused with something real... I am a very expressive person.I come across as being flirty at times.But, it is just my nature.. I am very lucky to dance with someone who we both understand what it takes to make a realistic preformance, but it is left on the floor. If you are not in a commited relationship it could be hard to seperate the two...

[quixotedlm]

much better to have a new crush-worthy partner every few weeks... prefer PWB to FWB... ;)

[Joe]

I know a man who taught for a chain school in New York. Their anti-dating (or whatever) policies were so strict, they told their teachers, "If you cross the street and see a student, pretend you don't see her and walk the other way." Well he thought this was ridiculous. One day he went to a crowded cafe for lunch and a student had a table to herself. She invited him to eat with her. No big deal. They ate, chatted, and went their separate ways. A day or so later? He was 'called in' to the office and ordered to explain why he was 'seen' having lunch with a student. Utterly and completely ridiculous all the way around. It tells you not only how paranoid the studio was, but how truly petty and disgusting people can be - A full-grown adult saw them having lunch (what are the chances in NEW YORK but okay) and they went and tattled to the studio.
Dunno what's sadder--that the school had such a draconian policy or that someone was a pathetic enough loser to tell tales out of school.

[Peaches]

There are probably several factors at play here. There may be legit legal issues - its not difficult to see how a relationship could become a discrimination case that the studio would be drawn into. However, this degree of control is, in my opinion, absurd and it may reflect other considerations. One is that the studio wants to minimize the possibility that the student becomes personally attached (I mean friends not relationships) to the teacher. The issue is that if the teacher leaves the studio an attached student would be quite likely to also leave. By trying to prevent any kind of personal attachment the studio may hope that the student would have a stronger attachment to them and switch to another teacher.

I have known teachers that have a 'do not compete' clause in their contract that specifies an area round the studio within which they can not teach daancing or start a studio for a specified period of time. Some of these work others are thrown out in court for being too general. [In one case the studio closed but the owners still tried to stop their assistant from teaching locally]Perhaps some of the teachers here could comment?I'd agree that there could well be good legal reasons for this case. But I also have to wonder about the legal implications regarding the right to free association. At some point, the studio's control has to end. (DH went through an interesting situation a few years ago where this came into play, which is why it's on my mind.)

Non-compete agreements are a whole other, very interesting, ball of wax. Again, DH had an issue a few years ago.

[samina]

personally, i'd rather not have the ...uh...cake/margarita...anywhere near me if I can't have it

oh, i am so the same way... just sounds like absolute & utter misery to me... btdt, anyway...

nope. am ecstatically happy for nice but uncomplicated chemistry with pro & partners...

[chandra]

And Im extatic and happy that all my pros have been about 3xs my age, and are more of father figures (or big bros in one case) than anything else. Certainly seems to make my life easier!

[fascination]

there's no one alive 3x my age...prolly would still fall for him if he was alive

[fascination]

oh, i am so the same way... just sounds like absolute & utter misery to me... btdt, anyway...

nope. am ecstatically happy for nice but uncomplicated chemistry with pro & partners...
yes