Not getting asked to dance?

[precious12]

Hi guys, i just wanted to ask your opinion on something, so here goes, this friday i was at a party at my studio which lasted for about 2hours and i did not get to dance at all. I just sat there, and we had plenty of men, and this was not the first time, this is the third time this has happened. I mean the first hour i sat all by myself and watched other people dance, and the two times i did get invited to dance it was by my instructor and it was like for just a few sec. of actually dancing because by the time he decided to ask me the song was ending, and he did not even offer to dance the next dance, but went back and picked up the same girl he had danced with for the last five dances. Then after that i sat with one or two other ladies who were resting and we talked, and i still did not get asked, i mean i just do not know why, i mean i just have to say i dress up for ever party and i definitely have good hygiene before i go to a dance so it is not like i am all smelly or anything, and i am really approachable. Just wanted you guys opinion on this.:notworth:

[Indiana_Jay]

Hi guys, i just wanted to ask your opinion on something, so here goes, this friday i was at a party at my studio which lasted for about 2hours and i did not get to dance at all. I just sat there, and we had plenty of men, and this was not the first time, this is the third time this has happened. I mean the first hour i sat all by myself and watched other people dance, and the two times i did get invited to dance it was by my instructor and it was like for just a few sec. of actually dancing because by the time he decided to ask me the song was ending, and he did not even offer to dance the next dance, but went back and picked up the same girl he had danced with for the last five dances. Then after that i sat with one or two other ladies who were resting and we talked, and i still did not get asked, i mean i just do not know why, i mean i just have to say i dress up for ever party and i definitely have good hygiene before i go to a dance so it is not like i am all smelly or anything, and i am really approachable. Just wanted you guys opinion on this.:notworth:

Precious, I'm sorry and surprised to read that this happened to you. It's been my experience here in the Midwest USA that it is very unlikely for a follow to receive no invitations to dance at a studio event. Even if there is an explanation, it would be impossible to guess without being there (and maybe even with being there!).

I wonder what part of the world you are in and whether it's a regional/cultural thing.

I would, however, make this recommendation: ask a leader to dance! That's perfectly acceptable here.

Personally, I'm much more likely to dance with someone other than my lovely wife if another follower asks me. My LW and I both have personal policies against turning anyone down. I therefore won't feel guilty about leaving my LW sitting out a dance to dance with someone else if I'm asked. But as long as my LW wants to dance, I'll otherwise dance with her.

If you ask leaders and get turned down (which I hope is highly unlikely), you just need to find a new scene. Assuming you don't get turned down, after you get a few dances this way, you're probably more likely to get asked in the future.

With regard to your instructor, I can think of no excuse for him not dancing a full dance with you. At our studio, instructors try to dance with everyone there.

Best,

IJ

[waltzgirl]

Do I remember right that you haven't been dancing all that long and that you are a teenager? If so, both of those could be part of the problem.

Unfortunately, a lot of experienced dancers don't ask beginners to dance. They would rather dance with someone at their own dance level (or above). It's not a nice thing, since we were all beginners once and somebody had to dance with us then, but it happens. If there are more men than women at the party, they pretty much have their pick and they tend to ask the more advanced dancers. As you get more experience, more people will ask you to dance. I remember my first few parties as pretty brutal, the same experience you had, but it's worth hanging in there because they are a lot of fun later.

What's the age range at the studio parties? A lot of older guys don't ask teenagers to dance, because they don't want to be perceived as hitting on a young girl (or they think she wouldn't want to dance with an old guy anyway). In fact, if most of the people are quite a bit older than you, you might want to dress on the conservative side for the parties to look a bit less "young and hot."

The solution is to ask people to dance. Does your studio have a group class before the party? If so, go to it. That way, you'll have met some men and you can start by asking them. At your next lesson, drop a gentle hint to your instructor, saying something like you wish you could get more practice at the parties. Hopefully, he'll take the hint and ask you more. If you know any of the female instructors at the party, you could ask them to introduce you to their students.

At the beginning, you just have to work at it until you get to be a familiar face and a good enough dancer that people start asking you. Pretty soon you'll be wishing you had a chance to sit out to rest!

[Indiana_Jay]

Unfortunately, a lot of experienced dancers don't ask beginners to dance. They would rather dance with someone at their own dance level (or above). It's not a nice thing, since we were all beginners once and somebody had to dance with us then, but it happens.

I'm sure this happens. I suspect how often it happens depends some on the scene. When my wife and I were beginners, we frequently got invitations from more advanced dancers, who obviously remembered what it was like to be a beginner. We have a couple years of experience now. When we see a beginning couple at a studio party, we often make it a point to approach them together and ask them to dance. I hoped such behavior is normal at other scenes, but perhaps not.

A lot of older guys don't ask teenagers to dance, because they don't want to be perceived as hitting on a young girl (or they think she wouldn't want to dance with an old guy anyway).Waltzgirl is right about this one. I'm middle aged. If I'm going to ask someone (for example, if LW wants to take a break), I'm less likely to ask a teen than someone older, for the reasons WG mentions. But I still won't turn down a teen who asks me.

[katatonicus]

I'll have to agree with everyone else...

Ask a leader to dance. Trust me... we don't like having to do the asking either.... :) As a person who is shy in general, it always makes me extremely happy when I get asked.... I would bet that the odds of a leader turning you down are fairly slim.

There are a billion reasons that you may not get asked...... but most of the time it's nothing personal. For instance, I'm extremely uncomfortable asking people who I feel are too advanced for what I can lead.....or people who I find overly attractive....or people who appear to be involved in other conversations.... or asking people to dance certain types of dances which I don't do very well or enjoy *cough*merengue*cough*

[quixotedlm]

IJ and waltzg have good perspectives.. they are right.

i'll try to indulge on trying to help you weed out the possibility that you are the problem and not the scene/other people. just take whatever applies to you and leave the rest. no offense intended.. :)

i. dress appropriate to your level. if you are not a good dancer yet, then go easy on flashiness, makeup etc. you can still be clean and stylish..
ii. do you take classes? or do you just go there and try to learn on the floor? leads don't like to indulge floor-learners very much..
iii. if you take classes, do you go to socials/parties to which the leads from your class go to? i'm sure they are looking for their classmates to dance with, aren't they?
iv. personal hygeine - do you take care of yourself? are you sure ?
v. do you have negative traits as a beginner? very jumpy body movements, acting super heavy, very large steps or movment that could cause a safety problem for either your lead or other dancers (or just make it very tedious for the lead to dance safely with you) are all challenges most leads don't want to constantly overcome when dancing with anyone at all, never mind the skill level of that person involved. personally, i never dance with anyone who has given me cause for concern about my or others safety - it can easily become a death sentence. also, are there aspects of your dancing which you think you are very sure about and have it right while in reality its quite wrong? eg, do you have a bad sense of rhythm (eg, in salsa, do you constantly drift from the timing but don't let the leader correct it easily and continue stepping randomly with conviction? just an eg, you may not be doing somethign like this at all)....


the truth is that advanced leaders and followers will dance with beginners, but that in no way guarantees that every beginner in the scene will get dances, because some get starved out... so it's only okay to be a beginner who is not skilled and is less knowledgible,but a beginner with an obvious non-trivial flaw won't get asked much...

also, you said that you are sitting and talking with others? please, don't sit or talk. if you are sitting and talking, nobody will take the trouble to disturb your conversation and drag you out to the floor. stand near the edge of the floor, and try not to stand crowded with many other girls (maybe 1/2 might be okay, and light on conversation might be ok too). even advanced dancers don't like to approach someone only to be turned down and realize that the girl in question was sitting and intentionally having a conversation... so they won't risk it.

[precious12]

I do understand about experienced dancers not wanting to dance with beginners, but i do have to mention that this studio just opened 8 months ago, and i was the first student there, and that we do not have any advanced people other than the instructors, and one couple who come for occaisional lessons, they compete, but they hardly ever come for parties, and since i have been there, most people do not seem to take more than a few lessons or a package deal, then i never see them again, so we always have beginners, so i am probably the most experienced student they have. :p

[waltzgirl]

Then maybe the opposite applies! You're too good and you intimidate them!

I'll second the suggestion to make sure you are sitting at the edge of the floor and facing the floor. People feel awkward climbing over other people or bypassing the lady in front of you to ask you.

Even if you feel nervous, or annoyed that you aren't dancing, make sure your body language is open. Smile, don't cross your arms, tap your foot to the music, and in general look you are just about to start dancing. Make eye contact with leaders and smile as they walk by.

And ask the leaders to dance.

[fascination]

I would also like to add that alot of older gentlemen may be reticent abut asking a young person for a variety of reasons that are not within your control...also, sometimes you aren't asked to dance if the gentlemen there are all less advanced than you and therefore intimidated or are all there with their wives...lots of things factor in...bottom line, stop wondering and start asking men to dance

[Peaches]

...and explore the area a bit and look into finding other, more friendly dance scenes...

[Terpsichorean Clod]

HI, i have been reading this post, and thinking how it relates to some of the situations i have been in. For ex. at my studio we have a group lesson, and then a party every Friday. I am one of the younger students at the studio being just 17, but i have been there since the studio opened and am up to Bronze 3, but i usually sit out dances. I understand this sometimes because there are just to many women and not enough men. Sometimes i end up dancing with the main instructor who is a women, or the other women instructor who is silver level, and i do not mind at all, i just love to dance. But it irratates me when there is only two or three more women than men, and i have to sit out for five songs while my instructor dances with the same girl for all those songs. Also sometimes when i sit there and am patiently waiting to be danced with and he looks directly at me, smiles and waves, and picks up a girl who is walking back to her seat, it just gets on my nerves. So i have started recently to just ask the men around me to dance if they are sitting or standing around, and i have not had a problem. I just want to dance, i am not picky about height or experience. I just want to shake my booty!!It sounds like you already have a good attitude! Provided your scene hasn't changed since your earlier post, I hope you'll continue to ask guys to dance. I'm sure you've heard this before, but I'll say it again. It's incredibly flattering when a lady makes a beeline across the dance floor to ask me to dance. :bouncy: I turn down invitations only if I'm unfamiliar with the dance (in which case I offer to follow if the lady will lead) or I've promised the dance to someone else (in which case I will offer the asker my next available dance).

I'm not an "older guy", but I ask young or pretty followers less often for the same reason mentioned by waltzgirl and Indiana_Jay.

My theories on your problem:
-A lack of momentum - a lot of people ask others to dance even before they've left the floor between songs. So once you've gotten on the dance floor for a song, it may be easy for you to keep garnering invitations to dance.
-You're too experienced - leaders are too intimidated to ask you.
-Leaders have gotten used to your asking them to dance. This has happened to me. Certain followers regularly ask me to dance. When they stop asking, I stop dancing with them simply because I'm not in the habit of asking them. Eventually, I notice that I haven't danced with them in awhile, so I start asking them.
-A lot of people who come as couples to the social - not too much you can do besides encouraging people to mingle or fleeing to another social

Still, all but the last situation should've been resolved by your practice of asking leaders to dance... :confused:

[DWise1]

I think quix hit on a good point there. Body language. What is your body language telling everyone? Are you signalling that you are available for a dance or that you are not available? Sitting, being engaged in conversation, etc, can signal that you are not available. Observe the girls who are getting asked. What are they doing? Where do they position themselves (eg, next to the dance floor or away from it)? What kind of facial expression do they have and what are they doing with their eyes (eg, are they looking around for potential dance partners?)?

I can't really tell you what I look for, because it's more a feeling I have of how approachable she might be. Yes, I'm shy, middle-aged, etc. It seems at least half the time I'm the one getting asked, so do consider trying to ask someone instead of just waiting.

Also, I don't always know who knows which dances, so if a WCS or a hustle comes on and I don't know anyone there who dances it, I'm even more shy. A way around that (besides the obvious "does anyone know how to ... ?") is to be at a venue where you know some of the people from class. That works great, because you not only already know them and have talked with them and vice versa, but you also know what they are capable of dance-wise as they will know you as well. And, since you are the most experienced student there, they're probably much shyer, so go ahead and do some of the asking yourself.

Prime candidates: guys who aren't out on the floor dancing. Guys starting out in a new dance have a huge confidence hurdle to get over. They have to remember all the moves from class and how to lead them and on top of that they have to figure out what to do next, all while keeping an eye in all directions for where the other couples are and where they're moving to and are we about to collide, etc. A salsa teacher published an article on her site about what the guy has to learn to do compare with what the girl has to learn: the guy has 22 things to learn compared to the girl's 5. He's got a lot on his mind and needs a lot of confidence in himself to pull it off. Even if he's great in class, he will start out feeling like a stumblebum on the floor.

So if you see a guy from class who you know is good in class, but he's sitting back and watching instead of getting out there, then approach him. Guys do like to be asked.

[elisedance]

just one other little bit - try to meet people when you are NOT dancing. It is easier to say hello and have a light conversation than to ask a stranger to dance. Once you have done that and broken the ice then they will know you are friendly and approachable. Also, be careful not to critisize partners or other dancers - that can be a real turnoff and may result in your isolation - alwhat think of something nice to say at the end of the dance if possible and at least thank and smile if absoultely not.

[precious12]

I really do appreciate the advice, i mean it does upset me to go to a party and not be asked to dance, i mean i am not picky at all who i dance with. As long as i get to dance, but when i sit alone for an hour by myself waiting for a dance it just irratates me, especially when there are plenty of men, and i am near the edge of the dance floor by myself, waiting patienty to be danced with. I understand i am young, only 18, but it just seems recently this has been happening more and more often at the parties, and i begin to wonder whats going on, is it just me, or am i being left out on purpose, i mean two weeks ago at a group, i ended up being pushed to the side, and having to sit down for the group and almost the whole party, i am just not used to sitting down for a very long period of time at a party or group, i mean usually i only sit out 1 or 2 dances at the most, even on a nights where there are not alot of men, but recently i just have not been asked to dance, and do not know why. It really bugs me, and i have even asked men to dance and they turn me down.:headwall:. I just want to get out there and dance and have fun.:cool:

[SPratt74]

I do understand about experienced dancers not wanting to dance with beginners, but i do have to mention that this studio just opened 8 months ago, and i was the first student there, and that we do not have any advanced people other than the instructors, and one couple who come for occaisional lessons, they compete, but they hardly ever come for parties, and since i have been there, most people do not seem to take more than a few lessons or a package deal, then i never see them again, so we always have beginners, so i am probably the most experienced student they have. :p

I wonder then if maybe the studio hasn't really told people how to behave at parties or what have you if they are a new studio. They might not have gotten around to it yet even if they should have. The problem is that most studios don't do this. It's like they expect everyone how to know how to act at a party. So, I understand what you are going through. Though, I had good experiences at my parties, so I was lucky. And I got out of my shyness pretty early, and I stopped being afraid to ask the guys for a dance. I just didn't know the rules about what we are talking about here on this thread and on other threads. You just kind of learn as you go along I guess. I do wish that studios would explain about the rules even if it has to be at the group lesson before the party (if they hold group lessons before the parties I mean). Sure you'll get late walkins, but still. What I learned was basically here on DF, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have known either. So, I hope that you don't feel bad about any of it.

And I'd also say to stick with it. Anytime you start something new it usually feels awkward anyways. But once you get over that feeling, then you can expand and possibly dance at other studios like what I have done. Your fear about not dancing with anyone will get over, and you will be fine. ;)

[waltzgirl]

i mean two weeks ago at a group, i ended up being pushed to the side, and having to sit down for the group

How do you get pushed to the side and have to sit down in a group class? At every group class I've been to, everyone rotates partners throughout the class and, if there are more of one gender than another, the "extra" people just practice their own steps when the rotation leaves them without a partner for a few minutes. Then, next rotation, they get a partner again.

[and123]

If the instructor isn't paying attention or doesn't make the "rotation rules" clear, it is quite possible to be skipped over and/or pushed aside due to the more aggressive dancers who rush to grab partners. Seen it, been through it. It's like being picked last for kickball in grade school. It sucks.

[SPratt74]

If the instructor isn't paying attention or doesn't make the "rotation rules" clear, it is quite possible to be skipped over and/or pushed aside due to the more aggressive dancers who rush to grab partners. Seen it, been through it. It's like being picked last for kickball in grade school. It sucks.

That's true. My guess is since this is a new studio, a lot of things haven't been worked out yet. Over time though, I think things will settle down. And it does sound like the studio is doing well only being open for eight months if I read that right. So, I wouldn't get that worked up about it yet. However, if it does continue, then I'd say to talk with an instructor or the owner. Sometimes they don't realize things until you tell them.

[quixotedlm]

I don't buy the "it's a new studio, the poor poor instructor is too overwhelmed to work out all the kinks" line.

If is a dance instructor, and owns/runs a studio to boot, he knows all this etiquette. He's lived it at least as much as we all have, and knows how it feels to be a newbie. He's probably gone thru the same angst, listened to others worrying about it, and in general, he is a dance geek. Otherwise he wouldn't be running a studio.

So if he is not taking care of this situation well, either he is incompetent or uncaring. I think it's time for OP to ditch the studio and find another one that's run a tad bit better.

[Sabor]

i always prefer the direct approach.. if i wasn't gettin any dances and i TRUELLY dont know why .. i'd ask the leads or follows as the case maybe and whom i think are objective, to be honest and tell me cause this way they are doing me a favor..

[danceronice]

If you're having problems at group lessons (was the right, from the one post) I'd say that's a bigger problem than parties. We have pretty strict rotations in our studio's groups--even if two of the people in class are married or am/am partners or both, they rotate along with everyone else. (Okay, we sometimes get a bit...dyslexic...about which way we're rotating, but it gets straightened out.) Even if there aren't enough leaders, we all get turns.

[precious12]

Yea, i do agree, even though it is a new studio the owner would definitely have to experienced this before, and understand what i am going through, i mean if it was one or two men that were not dancing with me it would not bother me, but it seems like almost everybody is avoiding me, and i have thought it might be my age because i am only 18 and everybody else there is at least 30 or older, except my instructor who is 19. We are the youngest there, and he has even been avoiding me recently. I think i am going to discuss this with my instructor and the owner, and maybe, something can be done.8-)

[SPratt74]

I don't buy the "it's a new studio, the poor poor instructor is too overwhelmed to work out all the kinks" line.

If is a dance instructor, and owns/runs a studio to boot, he knows all this etiquette. He's lived it at least as much as we all have, and knows how it feels to be a newbie. He's probably gone thru the same angst, listened to others worrying about it, and in general, he is a dance geek. Otherwise he wouldn't be running a studio.

So if he is not taking care of this situation well, either he is incompetent or uncaring. I think it's time for OP to ditch the studio and find another one that's run a tad bit better.

That's true too. I was giving them the benefit of a doubt because they are probably in the training process for the instructors. And usually, when you are training someone no matter what the job, you don't have the best of communication until you've been there after awhile. ;)

[wooh]

You've been there the longest, and others come and go? Easy peasy, it's all about the money. Instructor knows he can screw you over, and you'll keep coming back, because you've shown loyalty. But to get others to come back, he's kissing their booties by dancing with them instead of you. You want to dance more, you'll have to make it clear that you aren't going to keep giving them money unless your bootie gets kissed too.

[etp777]

We need some more younger women at my studio. Come here and I promise I'll dance with you. :)

[fascination]

going to have to agree with a less jaded version of what wooh said....while the instructor may have no interest in uh "screwing you over"...it is a fair bet that he will be interesting in dancing with those who haven't yet been sold hook, line and sinker...not a crime...also not too smart to take any one for granted

[precious12]

I understand what you are saying about me being there the longest, and being loyal to them and i totally agree, i need to make it clear i am not there to sit on my butt, but dance, and have fun, but i do not want to sound mean when i tell them this, that i think they are spending way to much time on people who just take a couple of lessons instead of me who has been there since they opened. I mean i do not want to come across as i got to be danced with every single dance, or else, but i do not want to sit down at a party for a whole hour either. I just want to be able to dance with alot of the different men and the party and at least one dance with my instructor, i think that is really reasonable considering i have been a great customer for them, i mean when new people come in, they get me to demostrate what i have learned, so i mean in the longrun i am helping the dance studio. I do not think there is anything wrong in not wanting to be left out. :tongue:

[NielsenE]

I also know that at some studios, the more "long-term" students are often expected to act as "unofficial dance-hosts", but often this isn't communicated, explained, etc. Probably more true for leaders than followers, but still true for both. and can explain a shift in how the staff view the long-term member... and sometimes once this shift of perception happens the rest of the clientele expect you to do the asking, or else it means you want a break...

[precious12]

I mean i have always been asked by the men, and have been told the men are supposed to ask the women, so i usually just sit and wait, although i have asked some men at several parties, and most of them say yes, but if they expect me to ask the men from now on because i am more advanced and have been there the longest i am fine with that, it is just i would have liked to been told about this, if this is what they truly wanted me to do, but if they do not communicate with me even some, i just end up getting lost at what to do, or not knowing what is going on. :confused: It really gets me confused about what i am expected to do.

[Indiana_Jay]

I mean i have always been asked by the men, and have been told the men are supposed to ask the women, so i usually just sit and wait, although i have asked some men at several parties, and most of them say yes, but if they expect me to ask the men from now on because i am more advanced and have been there the longest i am fine with that, it is just i would have liked to been told about this, if this is what they truly wanted me to do, but if they do not communicate with me even some, i just end up getting lost at what to do, or not knowing what is going on. :confused: It really gets me confused about what i am expected to do.

Regardless of what the studio's expectations of you are (and I agree that if they have any, they should have communicated them), the fact remains that less skilled men will often be reluctant to ask a more skilled woman (you) to dance. They assume they aren't good enough for you yet, or that you'll be bored, won't enjoy the dance, etc. etc. At least that's what I thought when I was a beginner. For a long time I was reluctant to ask more advanced dancers to dance and I really appreciated it when a more experienced woman would ask me.

The only reliable way to convince less experienced men that you really want to dance with them is to ask them to dance.

-IJ

[DWise1]

I'm getting the feeling that there's more going on there than we've been told. Perhaps she does need to talk with others there about it to find out what's up.

I do most definitely agree that it's very strange to be forced out of a group class. Every such class I've been in has rotated partners and has accommodated those couples who prefered to not rotate without messing it up for anybody else. There are some rare occasions where a class did not rotate, but that was because they were working on a special skill or were at an advanced level; eg, an advanced WCS class and Lindy classes in aerials and the Double Bug -- and I just realized and a WCS class in Four-Play didn't rotate per se, but the instructor would sometimes switch people around, especially as we started getting into Mass Confusion.


And, with apologies beforehand, here's our son's favorite joke when he was little. It just seems so appropriate.

A mushroom goes to a party and, not matter how much he tries to participate and fit in, nobody accepts him. Nobody will talk with him and nobody will dance with him. Finally, he can't take anymore and asks everybody why nobody will have anything to do with him: "After all, I am a fun guy (spelled "fungi")!"

[Terpsichorean Clod]

If the instructor isn't paying attention or doesn't make the "rotation rules" clear, it is quite possible to be skipped over and/or pushed aside due to the more aggressive dancers who rush to grab partners. Seen it, been through it. It's like being picked last for kickball in grade school. It sucks.
Most of my group classes have been rather haphazard. The instructor usually has everyone facing in the same direction so we end up with a blob rather than a circle. Instead of rotation we get shuffling, where it can be easy for the non-pushy dancers to sit out multiple shuffles.

[Sagitta]

I really do appreciate the advice, i mean it does upset me to go to a party and not be asked to dance, i mean i am not picky at all who i dance with. As long as i get to dance, but when i sit alone for an hour by myself waiting for a dance it just irratates me, especially when there are plenty of men, and i am near the edge of the dance floor by myself, waiting patienty to be danced with. I understand i am young, only 18, but it just seems recently this has been happening more and more often at the parties, and i begin to wonder whats going on, is it just me, or am i being left out on purpose, i mean two weeks ago at a group, i ended up being pushed to the side, and having to sit down for the group and almost the whole party, i am just not used to sitting down for a very long period of time at a party or group, i mean usually i only sit out 1 or 2 dances at the most, even on a nights where there are not alot of men, but recently i just have not been asked to dance, and do not know why. It really bugs me, and i have even asked men to dance and they turn me down.:headwall:. I just want to get out there and dance and have fun.:cool:

Come to Ithaca, NY and I'll make sure you get plenty of latin dances - street style. ;-)

[SPratt74]

I understand what you are saying about me being there the longest, and being loyal to them and i totally agree, i need to make it clear i am not there to sit on my butt, but dance, and have fun, but i do not want to sound mean when i tell them this, that i think they are spending way to much time on people who just take a couple of lessons instead of me who has been there since they opened. I mean i do not want to come across as i got to be danced with every single dance, or else, but i do not want to sit down at a party for a whole hour either. I just want to be able to dance with alot of the different men and the party and at least one dance with my instructor, i think that is really reasonable considering i have been a great customer for them, i mean when new people come in, they get me to demostrate what i have learned, so i mean in the longrun i am helping the dance studio. I do not think there is anything wrong in not wanting to be left out. :tongue:

Well, this is how I personally see things in the business world. It's my money, and if they want my money, then teach me what I want to know (at group lessons I mean). If it's a social party, then I know I kind of have to be in charge of my own fun. But if they aren't going to teach you and have you sit out or whatever is going on otherwise, then you should think about maybe taking your money some place else. Seriously. It's a business first. But before you do, talk to them. Tell them that you are paying to be taught, and that you don't feel as though you are being taught (or however you want to say it). If they get mad, it's their loss. But it's also your loss of money if you aren't getting the most out of your lessons (no matter how cheap the lessons are, it's still your money). So, who would you rather end up losing the money? You or the business? If you don't make a lot to lose, then yeah... I'd think twice about where you put your money. But that's the same with any business though and not just here. ;)

[misswaltz]

My theories on your problem:
-A lack of momentum - a lot of people ask others to dance even before they've left the floor between songs. So once you've gotten on the dance floor for a song, it may be easy for you to keep garnering invitations to dance.


This is an interesting comment about momentum. I have noticed this at the studio I take lessons from....students who have already been asked to dance by someone for one dance, as they're leaving the floor, get asked to dance the next dance and so on. After awhile, those that are sitting end up sitting out 4 or 5 dances at a time.

I was once told that the more out going people, women in particular as there seem to be so many more women than men at dances, get asked to dance more.

I've also noticed that not chatting or milling about with other people helps. I have learnt never to go to dances with anyone especially other women, not that I don’t want to share the experience, I know I won’t get in as many dances and if I do go with other women, we just do our own thing and meet back at one central place for a quick chat and drink.

I've adopted my own policy at my studio now as it's an expensive two hours to sit and watch everyone else dance ballroom dances, if I'm not doing a floor show that night, I leave if I don't get to dance 4 or 5 dances in a row and of course I try to find men on their own or stand on my own looking interested in dancing. If a teacher doesn't notice, I figure they're not doing their job and I go home and let them know I only spent an hour there, not two and if I could please be charged for the one hour only. It has worked for me. It's a little on the bitchy side, but I can sit and listen to music at home. I also think these chain studios need to teach their students some etiquette at dances besides just steps and style. The teachers could also use some lessons in tact too.

During our last studio party I was sitting beside this women talking about the floor shows we had just done when one of my teachers came charging towards me with an outstretched hand saying my name for a dance but, the minute he saw the woman I was talking to he reneged and asked her to dance looking at me with an attempt at an apologetic look. I sometimes find the teachers at these chain places sort of kiss up to “money”. I find that a little short sighted on their part, if it is the case.

I sometimes wish I could run one of these franchised places myself. There are so many things I would change or add to make it more inviting.

What I have done is I will occasionally go to other dances in the city. We have a swing society in the city which has a better balance of men and women and I also find swing people way more laid back about asking people to dance.

Perhaps there are other parties or groups of dancers in the city that offer good partner practice from your own studio.

[noobster]

and i have even asked men to dance and they turn me down.
This is beyond odd. I think it is very very unusual for a guy to turn down a woman who asks him, much less for it to happen routinely. There are only a few reasons I could think of for this to happen.

1) The man is married or otherwise attached and has an agreement with his SO that they will dance only with each other

2) You are very much younger than he is and he doesn't want to look like a perv

3) You are so much better than he is that he is utterly embarrassed to dance with you. I imagine this would only apply if he was very much a beginner though.

I am leaning towards explanation #3 because you said that you are the most experienced dancer at the studio, and that you did not have this problem until recently.

Are the men who are turning you down/not asking you to dance the same men who have danced with you in the past? Or are they new people?