Yart!

[quixotedlm]

Yet Another Relationship Thread :)

We need a sub-forum under Dancers Anonymous for relationship discussion :) :rolleyes:

[samina]

alright, quix... what you got cookin' now...??? ;)

[quixotedlm]

So peeps, any advice on fending off romantic overtures in the dance scene?

Being a guy, I'm not an expert at fending off come-ons very well. Not enough practice.

I'm just slowly recovering from a previous break up and ready to be open about relationships. But not with this particular person. I've known her for over a year, and she really really likes dancing with me. Many would consider her int-advanced just like me and a good salsera, but I don't enjoy dancing with her as much as she does with me. I don't hate dances with her either.

Besides that, she has been hinting, during conversations, at common things in our life etc. They are somewhat factually correct, but not entirely so. Some of the common aspects are important to her but not important to me (so the common factors, from my perspective, is merely incidental).

Most importantly - I'm not attracted to her. She is good looking, well comported, articulate, smart and all that. But I don't feel anything. If I had to bet money on it, I'd bet that my feelings won't change ever.

I can't figure out how to avoid conversations with her - becuase we share friends and she is there when we hang out. She goes dancing pretty much everywhere I go and comes over to talk to me during breaks etc. I don't like the idea of suddenly turning cold towards her and stopping being friendly. And I don't want to start avoiding a second person in the scene for romantic reason when I'm just going through the process of avoiding one person already...

Last weekend in a club, I started feeling uncomfy enough that I made an excuse and left early. I was there to dance and to socialize and maybe meet girls (not actively, but definitely open). And here she was making me uncomfortable by being slightly more friendly than usual and yet not crossing any lines. I don't want to flee again :)

All sorts of sagely advice welcome. :)

[quixotedlm]

alright, quix... what you got cookin' now...??? ;)

How do you do it? You join DF 6 months after I do and have already posted 6 times as much as I :doh:

[fascination]

oy...relationships...I am trying hard not to have any more than neccessary..omg, I am sounding like pro...must check myself in somewhere...or who knows, maybe I am finally getting smart

[quixotedlm]

oy...relationships...I am trying hard not to have any more than neccessary..omg, I am sounding like pro...must check myself in somewhere...or who knows, maybe I am finally getting smart

Mm... hello? You are supposed to be helpful :mad:

[SPratt74]

Quix, I am really curious about how you are on the dance floor. You seem to be a magnet for women that like to dance. I've never known a male on the dance floor that has as many women problems as you. I mean that as a compliment too. ;)

[quixotedlm]

Quix, I am really curious about how you are on the dance floor. You seem to be a magnet for women that like to dance. I've never known a male on the dance floor that has as many women problems as you. I mean that as a compliment too. ;)

It could all be in my head and nothing real. :rolleyes:

I'm a nice guy - which means I rarely ever land the girls I want to land - gives me much material to rant about. Definitely not what you'd call a babe magnet or anything...

I don't hit on gals randomly. I try to genuinely get to know others without an agenda. I wear my heart on my sleeve. So anyone who gets to know me a bit likes me plenty. So I can be a bit of a magnet to those who know me,but not too much. It's no different from others.

And unlike many guys who are macho-ishly closemouthed about feelings - I communicate my heartache and happinesses and I verbalize them. I'm sure other guys have an equal or more amount of problems - maybe they just don't rant and whine about it as much...

[DWise1]

What works for me is to continue to be as friendly with her as you are with everybody you know but are not trying to pursue. And whenever you think she's trying to make advances, just smile and remain completely clueless.

It's our only defense.


Of course, since you're looking (which I am not), you might express or demonstrate your interest in other girls as you naturally would so that she could see that you're not interested in her in that way. Though whether that would make her more competitive and aggressive, I wouldn't know. I'm clueless, you know.


-------------------------------
From the scene in "A Christmas Story" where the bullies attack them:
"My little brother just laid down and didn't move. It was his only defense."

[samina]

How do you do it? You join DF 6 months after I do and have already posted 6 times as much as I :doh:

lol...:rolleyes:

[samina]

quix, here's the secret... there's no substitute for it... no matter how much one might try to complicate it & analyze it to death... it is the and-all-be-all-&-end-all WRT to relationship drama... no matter how long this thread gets, or how much advice you get, or how long their posts, this is IT... ready for it?

clarity.

know what you want, speak only to that, be a kind, polite, gracious, considerate, respectful broken record, and honor only that. when you know what you want, and your head and actions are in accord & don't disagree in any way, your relationship life will simplify radically.

[samina]

speaking of knowing what one wants, i just came across such a funny online dating profile... really, this just takes the cake. it's very short & sweet. from a 52-yr-old man who says he's packing a few extra pounds, but provided no photo. enjoy:

i want a single woman who is easy on the eyes with plenty of money and a willing ness to spend copious amounts on me. she must be thin and follow directions well has to cook well and keep a clean house.

[quixotedlm]

speaking of knowing what one wants, i just came across such a funny online dating profile... really, this just takes the cake. it's very short & sweet. from a 52-yr-old man who says he's packing a few extra pounds, but provided no photo. enjoy:

i want a single woman who is easy on the eyes with plenty of money and a willing ness to spend copious amounts on me. she must be thin and follow directions well has to cook well and keep a clean house.

:doh:


I know what I want. I just don't know who.
Sometimes I even know who I want. When I do, whoever it is that I want doesn't seem to know what she wants or who. And if she does, I'm not that 'who'. :rolleyes:


Actually I like the ad. It's so much like my own fantasy. I want to be a house-husband. Do the chores, cook, clean. Then head over to the mall in the afternoon and play in the kids section... Er... I mean, let the kid play in the kids section and chat up other homemakers...

[samina]

...be a kind, polite, gracious, considerate, respectful broken record, and ...when ... your head and actions are in accord & don't disagree in any way...

:cool:

[samina]

:doh:

Actually I like the ad. ..

yah, it's cute. i wonder if he meant it as a tongue-in-cheek joke, or if he's really serious. anyway... it's a joke to me. lol

[meow]

OK. Here's some advice from the crazy cat. :rolleyes: If when you are out dancing and she starts to make you feel that she is coming on to you, steer the conversation to not wanting a relationship at the moment. Say it in a casual way so that she gets the message without you having to be blunt or pointedly direct it at her. Just blab on about how much you love dancing with lots of girls and meeting and making new friends. If she gives you a look that kinda says "Are you trying to tell me something?" , then continue blabbing in the same vien and look dumb:wink: Pretend you don't notice any questioning looks.:cool:
My son told me that when teaching dance at the studio he would have some women come on to him. Mind you, he was 19 and these women (some married) were late 20's to early 30's. This is sort of how he handled it. They got the message, no-one got embarrassed or hurt, and he was able to continue to teach them without further problems.:peace:

[quixotedlm]

OK. Here's some advice from the crazy cat. :rolleyes: If when you are out dancing and she starts to make you feel that she is coming on to you, steer the conversation to not wanting a relationship at the moment. Say it in a casual way so that she gets the message without you having to be blunt or pointedly direct it at her. Just blab on about how much you love dancing with lots of girls and meeting and making new friends. If she gives you a look that kinda says "Are you trying to tell me something?" , then continue blabbing in the same vien and look dumb:wink: Pretend you don't notice any questioning looks.
My son told me that when teaching dance at the studio he would have some women come on to him. Mind you, he was 19 and these women (some married) were late 20's to early 30's. This is sort of how he handled it. They got the message, no-one got embarrassed or hurt, and he was able to continue to teach them without further problems.


good thought... i just avoided her today :)

[fascination]

meh, I am learning that relationship drama is stopped by working on yourself not on the other person and not by soliciting advice...that is all...and trust me...that is the best advice that I have...hours devoted to the drama of it really isn't

[Joe]

She's crampin' your style, dude. Find someplace else to pick up chicks.

[elisedance]

It could all be in my head and nothing real. :rolleyes:

I'm a nice guy - which means I rarely ever land the girls I want to land - gives me much material to rant about. Definitely not what you'd call a babe magnet or anything...

I don't hit on gals randomly. I try to genuinely get to know others without an agenda. I wear my heart on my sleeve. So anyone who gets to know me a bit likes me plenty. So I can be a bit of a magnet to those who know me,but not too much. It's no different from others.

And unlike many guys who are macho-ishly closemouthed about feelings - I communicate my heartache and happinesses and I verbalize them. I'm sure other guys have an equal or more amount of problems - maybe they just don't rant and whine about it as much...

I don't want to come on strong, or anything, but will you marry me?

[SPratt74]

I don't want to come on strong, or anything, but will you marry me?

Lol... there you go Quix! It looks like you might be in a line though elisedance, so be prepared for a cat fight http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b400/SPratt74/catfight.gif! :D

[quixotedlm]

I don't want to come on strong, or anything, but will you marry me?


Lol... there you go Quix! It looks like you might be in a line though elisedance, so be prepared for a cat fight !

I have a few mutually exclusive thougths ...
1. :oops:
2. Sounds like a menage a trois in planning :rolleyes:.
3. If I said yes, then I can't entertain you and myself with these drama threads ;)
4. yes,yes, yes!
5. yay!
6. what?? :confused:

[quixotedlm]

meh, I am learning that relationship drama is stopped by working on yourself not on the other person and not by soliciting advice...that is all...and trust me...that is the best advice that I have...hours devoted to the drama of it really isn't

hmm... that actually makes sense to me :) but hey, this is not drama. this is just about clueless dude asking fine ladies like you for help ;)

oh, what relationship? this is pre-relationship drama. relationship drama can be dealt with by the couple amongst themselves -the post and pre relationship dramas are what makes perspective and objectivity annonyingly shortsighted :X

Now for drama - met a girl online a few weeks ago. went out a couple of dates. going to meet again next week - already planning on meeting 2-3 times over the next several days- starting to get to a point where i think i might be into her. Just noticed that her online profile has changed to 'looking for women for dating'. :rolleyes: I'm pretty sure she plays both sides (didn't hide it - mentioned dating women in the past), which is not an issue for me. Just that it might be time to verbalize certian feelings (concerns, insecurities) here...and depending on what i hear in response, probably will need to bail.

As entertaining as it is for y'all, i personally think that my dating life sucks. :snake:

[samina]

i'm of the mind that relationship drama can happen all by itself in one's own head... doesn't require another person.

so all the fuss surrounding "does she like me... should i ask her... how do i avoid her... how do i get her to stop chasing me... how can i have my cake & eat it too..." -- that's drama of a sort if it creates emotional turbulence & confusion & stress for you.

as for your chica who likes chicas... sounds like she may be at a point in her life where she's lacking a bit of clarity... or at least sacrificing clarity for openness for the sake of experimentation. yah, if you want someone who's totally into you & not scoping out other options, i think you're on the right track with planning to bail on that... unless you're also into experimentation right now... heh ;)

[fascination]

am into eliminating drama inside one's own head as well....honestly, am thinking of a cloister

[samina]

nah... it'll just chase you there... only way to eliminate the head drama is to unravel the knot of silliness that launches it, talk to it, calm it down, and keep redirecting it somewhere more peaceful... until it prefers going there on its own simply because it feels so much better.

this i know from experience. heh.

[fascination]

imo, you have to stop engaging in order to really get a grip...at least it is easier...then all of what you say follows, IME......but you can't keep signing up for it and hope it will be different

[samina]

yah, true...

[quixotedlm]

unless you're also into experimentation right now... heh ;)

unfortunately, it's never been my cuppa java. i truly think that i'm missing out on half the fun because of this :rolleyes:

[quixotedlm]

yah, if you want someone who's totally into you & not scoping out other options, i think you're on the right track with planning to bail on that...

that preference doesn't go hand to hand with open relationships all the time... do despite this fact, it is possible to have a relationship in which she is all that much into me.. like you said, what's missing is clarity. clarity will come my way next time I meet her. it's a simple matter of asking, i think.

[reb]

i'm of the mind that relationship drama can happen all by itself in one's own head... doesn't require another person.

Quote of the day! :D