I feel so bad...

[thespina13]

I've missed I think 3 weeks in a row of my Sunday evening class. It's a choreography class.. I assume this piece will be performed somewhere. My teacher was very keen onme being in this class. She and I are good friends.Her partner from Argentina is a fabulous dancer (anyone see Jen and Lucho perform at the Canada Salsa Congress on Friday night?). But the class is on Sunday night at 6pm... the only night of the week where no one has work, we're all together as a family, I do stuff with the kids and DH, and it's at suppertime. It's very hard to get out the door on a Sunday night. Especially lately, now that I'm working three clients, helping the boys with their schoolwork and shuttling everyone around. I've also neglected the house a LOT, and have finally begun to catch up on organizing, cleaning, REST and quality time.

Only thing is, I'm also starting to lose fitness, completely out of socializing, and I really do miss the dancing. I haven't been out to social dance in nearly a month (maybe my summer trauma has something to do with it?)... and now i'm missing my lessons. I don't really miss the people too much. They were always stressing me out. Too much drama. I don't want to lose myself or the vigor and fun of dancing. Not too sure where I'm going with this post. I guess I just wanted to work it out. Do I adjust things so I can manage to dance during the week? I'm I setting myself up for another "oh my god i hate my house i just need to ESCAPPPPE" relapse? Or, in my absence, am I nurturing something that really needs to be nurtured now? I get exhausted when I think about how much I cared about dancing. I can't seem to muster the same kind of desperate drive and hunger for it. I'm going trough a low spell. Still, I hear good music and I get itchy...

The thing about all this is, if I continue to miss these classes, there'll be a point where I simply can't go back because they'll be too far along in the choreography. I have to make a decision now whether to strap on the dancing shoes again or just lay low for awhile.... rrrrgh.

[quixotedlm]

skip this cycle and go to the next one. remember - you already did good performances with jayson molina et al. - so it's not a big deal if you miss one series of classes - you are not starting from scratch trying to prove something here. you might as well have fun at home and go out social dancing without stressing out too much :)

[tj]

Only thing is, I'm also starting to lose fitness, completely out of socializing, and I really do miss the dancing. I haven't been out to social dance in nearly a month (maybe my summer trauma has something to do with it?)... and now i'm missing my lessons. I don't really miss the people too much. They were always stressing me out. Too much drama. I don't want to lose myself or the vigor and fun of dancing. Not too sure where I'm going with this post. I guess I just wanted to work it out. Do I adjust things so I can manage to dance during the week? I'm I setting myself up for another "oh my god i hate my house i just need to ESCAPPPPE" relapse? Or, in my absence, am I nurturing something that really needs to be nurtured now? I get exhausted when I think about how much I cared about dancing. I can't seem to muster the same kind of desperate drive and hunger for it. I'm going trough a low spell. Still, I hear good music and I get itchy...


Taking/needing a break is normal. Sounds like you need to make it part of your routine if you're going to get back into it.

But hey, if socializing is what you're craving, we'll all be here on DF for you. :)

[elisedance]

Thespina. Time for a reality check maybe? You have a wonderful family to whom you are clearly devoted. You have an interesting job that you enjoy and would like to do well. And you have a dance passion - maybe a bit burried right now but its clearly there else you would simply not write to this forum. You are at that most taxing time of life when all of these are clashing, life is desperate and you would love to have some relief and some time to yourself (been there (at least in part - I only had one child, can't imagine what it would be like with more) and believe it or not, now miss it). The only thing you are doing wrong, as I see it, is being so hard on yourself. You have to accept that some things are going to have to give for a while - you have to else what will give is your own well being. Each aspect has to be made manageable and you may have to lower some of your expectations for a while. Maybe you have not got to the point where you declare that yes, mum has a life too and there has to be some limits on the demands on her - this is not selfish but an absolute necessity so that Mum does not 'give out'. The rest of this is purely hypothetical (it depends on your life) but I hope that the principle applies. You may have to put limits on availability, your children may have to prioritize exactly what events are most important and try to find non-mum-dependent ways of fulfilling the lower priority ones, you may need to drop back to two clients from three. Are you compromizing beyond proportion the things that are most important to you? That could undermine your self-esteem - to everyone's loss. At the very least, you have to have excercise and dancing would seem to be the most logical and best for you.

I think the first thing I would do is to contact your friend who runs the coreography class and explain. This will achieve two things: it will relieve what seems like a bit of guilt of letting her and yourself down. It will also give her a chance to help - maybe there are other ways of keeping you involved or some way to get together at a more convenient time. maybe a way to keep you connected until things ease up a bit.

The critical thing is to recognized, appreciate and value your own self worth. Discussing this with your family may also help - children are much more sophisticated than we give them credit for and can easily understand that you sacrificing your interests for their needs is not fair.

I hope I am not totally over the line with this - I am sure that some of it will be wrong - but I do hope that it may help a little bit to recognize and assert your own self worth and needs (sometimes its hard for those closest to you to see without having it spelled out).

[Zhena]

I have to agree with Elise.

Over twenty years ago I experienced the same conflict -- two children, a husband, a household, a job, and finishing my engineering degree. I ended up dropping the job soon after my second child was born, and we also stopped dancing. I don't regret making those choices, except I wish we had started dancing again when the pressures eased up. We essentially didn't dance for about 20 years, but in retrospect we could have cut 10 years off that hiatus.

I'm not suggesting that it is impossible to keep dancing when you have these other needs and responsibilities, but Elise is right that you have to think about your priorities and not over-commit yourself. It may be that you really, really need the exercise and emotional lift that dancing provides, but it may be that you can do without it for a while. Only you can decide how high it ranks on your list, but even if you decide to rank other things higher for now it doesn't mean you'll never dance again. There will come a time when your children don't need as much of the day-to-day efforts.

If Sunday is your major family time and you simply can't get that on any other day of the week, you may want to just savor that time with them and not commit to anything else. Children grow so fast (you've heard that before, but you don't know how true it is until they are grown and gone ...).

I hope whatever you decide works out for you.

[thespina13]

So very, very true. I'm thinking I'll ust devote myself to free Sundays and perhaps work out a private lesson schedule. I'm owed a couple of freebies by this point, too. As for the jobs, There was definitely a moment of clarity this week when my dad asked some helpful, inocuous questions that brought to light how I'm approaching work. I have a client who sees me as her total solution and gets very very needy. I've been stressed by her before, and have carried concern about her and her dificulties into my personal life. That's unaceptable, and my simply told me to stop being her Solution. That put and end to a lot of buried anxiety. And I've been able to guard myself a little more when talking to her.

I also slept this weekend... one night I slept 12 straight hours. It felt so good. I think the lesson I'm learning here is balance (one I thoughtI had figured out), but it needs to keep being recalibrated each time the kids and our family as a whole enter a new stage.

I also have to stop imagining what I'm missing!! I have a bad habit of imagining, with too much romance, the great things I'm missing by opting out of something. Instead of simply being grateful for th epositve change my choice has brought, I tend to bemoan the loss. THat's a martyr attitude I think I got from my grandmother and mom. Tough habit to break.

On the whole, I feel calmer and more optimistic this week. I asked DH to keep a watch on me and encourage me to go dancing if he sees I have some time and energy. I've fallen into the "body at rest" state that physics has a saying about, esp during the evenings, and I need a little bit of bolstering from the family to get me out. I think I also want them to encourage my side of life a little, so I feel that they understand it's a priority, not just an escape. I want to see some enthusiasm from them, and not walk out of the house with a sense of heaviness or guilt.

So does DF charge for therapy?

[tj]

So does DF charge for therapy?

You owe us all at least a couple posts per week! :wink:

(glad to hear that you have some clarity on how you're planning on tackling the situation)

[thespina13]

:) That's a fair charge. ;) I think I can accomodate that. Unless it's too much. In which case I'll have another little breakdown and write back in January.

[tj]

You'd better not do that, else we'll have to send Josh up there to straighten you out! ;)

[elisedance]

So does DF charge for therapy?

Just a bit of the same when we need it! :kitty:

[thespina13]

You'd better not do that, else we'll have to send Josh up there to straighten you out! ;)

LoL. you know how to get me good, dontcha.

[Josh]

You'd better not do that, else we'll have to send Josh up there to straighten you out! ;)

:friend:

[Josh]

Thes, I read most of what you wrote above, but sort of out of order so I may not really get it lol... BUT...

Note that this may not apply to you or anyone but me, and also it may not even apply to the discussion here, but what the heck, the post button was there. ;-) .... I've found my life a lot easier and calmer when I just live 'in the moment.' Basically I mean that instead of being so overly concerned with what I'm going to be doing a month or year from now, or anytime other than at the present moment, if I simply savor life at each moment, I tend to be a calmer person, with more joy. I find myself more free to make clear decisions, because I'm basing them on what the current situation is instead of what it might be. I don't mean that I don't plan, or that I don't take precautions about possible future events. On the contrary, when I try to enjoy each moment more, I find that future events tend to be more favorable, because I plan things out logically and deal with problems when they come, instead of always stressing about what might happen.

I realize this really has nothing to do with what you said, but your overall state seems to be a little stressed, and possibly anxious as well. Remember that happiness and joy are among the most simple feelings we can experience--so in your search for them take the simple approach! The formula doesn't have to be complicated. Don't get so caught up in life's pressures that you forget to enjoy each day, and each moment of each day...!

[thespina13]

;) Thanks Josh! My kids always help me do just that. My anxieties, however, stem from the conflicts that arise from things in my life clashing. For example, I committed over a month ago to help my friend work her table at a trade show in a few weekends. A week ago, my mentor called me up and asked (in a very insistent way) if i would occupy a position of some importance in a spiritual sort of celebration she's having soon. Those events are on exactly the same day, same hours. I would say no to my mentor imeidately, except for the fact that this is an important, significant event for her, and I'm a very close person to her. If i decline, she'll be very very saddened. And I'l feel as though I'v emissed out. But I'm not going to cancel on the friend I committed to long ago either.

And with dance, the only conflict there is that I imagine how much I'd be enjoying what i'm missing. That's the trick right there. I have to turn off my imagination an djust accept reality!!!

Anyhow, today's a better day. I think I just had to wait for my horrible flu to finally go away. It really threw me off.

And for th record, yes. I do have to simplify.

[thespina13]

Ok, so for all of October, I didn't dance. It was the thing that had to go (theoretically) in order for everything else to keep ticking.

I discovered that truly does make me miserable. The stress doesn't go away, rather it piles up, when I don't dance. True, I had the flu for about three weeks which made it utterly impossible. So I'm just closing the door on October and calling it an unavoidable bust.

I went dancing on Thursday for the first time in over a month! My first few dances were appalling and I couldnb't believe how much muscle tone I'd lost (started feeling it return near the end of the night though). And know-how!! Wow. But I was so much happier that evening and into the next day. While I was there I asked my teacher if it was too late to come back to class, and she said I could probably get into it again if I came this week. Next week will be too late because she'll be getting into way more detailed stuff. I decided I'd try to jump in again. One hour on a Sunday should be manageable. And I NEED the excercise. I think, because dancing is so social, too, I tend not to look at it as purely excercise, and wind up feeling guilty I'm going out and having fun all by myself instead of doing something with the busy busy family. But if I were going to the gym I wouldn't think twice. So. Dancing is my gym, so there! (I know i'm a basket case!)

So this morning I'm filled with a certain amount of nervous fear about not keeping up in class, but I'm going to face that fear (stems from university and falling way behind...) and rebalance my life!

Oh, and I've gotten more assertive at work too. No more getting overloaded. So I think I'm on the right track.

[elisedance]

For me the most important thing was to start feeling as if I had some control over my life - then I could start making choices and decisions over at least the things I had some say in. Seems to me you are there...

:)

[thespina13]

Exactly!!!!

[waltzgirl]

I've been in the same boat of joining a performance class late. I scheduled a private lesson with the teacher to go over the choreography up to that point, and that helped me catch up and feel more confident.

Sounds like you're making the right choice. A miserable mom is no benefit to anyone.

[thespina13]

And the rightness of my choice was confirmed tonight. I'm SO glad I did that. Haha... I woke up at 6:30am, terrified of what I wouldn't know when I got there. SO I went to class early and practiced some of what I remembered, plus some new stuff with my teacher's husband while she was doing a private. That got me feeling a little looser, and when I was there, everyone welcomed me warmly, and I was able to keep up perfectly, I think. The question right now is partnering. Everyone who's been there has a partner and I'm the odd woman out. But there's some promise of one guy coming in late, so hopefully he pulls through!

Oh, and at the end of the class I asked Jen if I could come over and have a few privates with Lucho to catch up on the cha-cha portion, and she was totally accomodating. I think I'll be fine.

At any rate, as I drove away I kept laughing and was sooo happy I faced my fear, my brief thoughts about backing out and taking the easy road, and realized that I finally was sdtarting to feel like I was a part of body again, and enjoying it. I felt tall and engaged and proud and feminine and happy, and capable. And now I feel calm and relaxed at home.

I needed the time to think in October, but I'm certainly glad I took the step to get back into the game, tonight.

[Josh]

I needed the time to think in October, but I'm certainly glad I took the step to get back into the game, tonight.

Good for you!!

[elisedance]

And the rightness of my choice was confirmed tonight. I'm SO glad I did that. Haha... I woke up at 6:30am, terrified of what I wouldn't know when I got there. SO I went to class early and practiced some of what I remembered, plus some new stuff with my teacher's husband while she was doing a private. That got me feeling a little looser, and when I was there, everyone welcomed me warmly, and I was able to keep up perfectly, I think. The question right now is partnering. Everyone who's been there has a partner and I'm the odd woman out. But there's some promise of one guy coming in late, so hopefully he pulls through!

Oh, and at the end of the class I asked Jen if I could come over and have a few privates with Lucho to catch up on the cha-cha portion, and she was totally accomodating. I think I'll be fine.

At any rate, as I drove away I kept laughing and was sooo happy I faced my fear, my brief thoughts about backing out and taking the easy road, and realized that I finally was sdtarting to feel like I was a part of body again, and enjoying it. I felt tall and engaged and proud and feminine and happy, and capable. And now I feel calm and relaxed at home.

I needed the time to think in October, but I'm certainly glad I took the step to get back into the game, tonight.

Wooooo-Hoooo!! Go girl...:car: