Handling rejection from a rude person

[danceguy]

A question for the leaders out there, how do you all deal with getting turned down for a dance, especially when the lady is rude about it? I realize this is a very personal thing but as I'm dancing more and asking more women to dance, so goes my chances of getting turned down as well.

Things kind of went downhill for me tonight during the lesson, as I danced with a woman who was the WORST follower I have ever danced with. Very charming and attractive, but she was off beat and a backleader and critiquer of truly epic proportions. Just a few minutes with her made me want to jump out of my skin...and it nearly ruined the Salsa high that I had going.

As soon as the dancing started I jumped in and danced a few until a girl I've danced with before turned me down with a quite harsh and snippy remark. I took it well considering but she was the only available lady that wasn't on the floor, I had no other choice in the matter! I sat down for a few but that was it for me...I couldn't seem to lift my spirits back up and I left a while afterwards.

I'm not asking for any advice in this as none can really be given, but I am curious to hear how the guys handle this, especially as novice dancers out in a club environment.

Maybe I just need to develop some insults to fire back at these ladies? Not my style, but you never know. :wink:

Best,

SG

[dancer21]

SG, not knowing more about the situation you may find yourselve in makes this a hard call. Know this, in my teaching the "gentler sex" as it were I would always insist the young lady NEVER turn down the first dance she is asked for the night as any potential partners for the evening may not be so inclined to receive the same rejection she may be handing out. (sometimes ladies dont always remember that we men are prideful by nature and our egos can bruise easier than they think)

Keep on dancing!!! What these woman dont also realize, there are fewer of us male dancers then female dancers. And fewer yet that are good dancers. The numbers only stack in our favor as we get older!!! Keep that in mind the next time you see your former "would be" partner and smile a BIG smile!!!

[Tasek]

Never fun to get turned down, but it's part of the game and you just have to live with it. A few tidbits to keep in mind though when rejected;

It's their loss,

don't take it personal,

no need for insults, if she's always rude it'll catch up with her soon enough, and there are plenty of nice girls around, so no point in wasting time on the rude ones exchanging insults,

she could just been having a bad day, give her a second chance another time (but no more than two chances)

despite emancipation, equality and what have you not, it's still the guys that have to do the majority of asking, we get the rejections but we also at least have some control on how an evening of dancing will go, we are not passive like a lot of girls

not always easy to do (as negatives things often stick out more), but try to remember the good times rather than the bad times, don't dwell on that rejection, think back to that hot girl that beamed a big smile at you as you approached to ask her

[tsb]

A question for the leaders out there, how do you all deal with getting turned down for a dance, especially when the lady is rude about it?

if she's a stranger, depends on whether the sun is in my eyes: i might decide to try and find out if the person realizes they came off as rude or i might be as likely to suggest that i had to go urinate anyway. both responses seem to be equally effective in breaking the ice.


As soon as the dancing started I jumped in and danced a few until a girl I've danced with before turned me down with a quite harsh and snippy remark.

if there's a history, once i felt i was able to discuss this without letting my feelings affect things - and it might not happen the same night - i'd probably go back and ask them if they were angry with me and if so, why. doesn't always work, but it's easier to go to sleep knowing that you've done what you can.

[dancin/dj]

we in phila, nj, area just had this topic brought up on (rons dance talk-its interesting how much emotion how much heat this topic generates-myself included. first i'd like to say hustle and salsa seems to have the most rudest people in all the dances i've danced at or dj.in this area folks ,of course there are really nice people too :lol: in both camps. i say try to keep positive and be the opposite of rude nasty people, dance with beginner-lousy dancers-all kinds even if you are or become advanced. on the flip side in your own style let them (the ego nasty women-or men for you ladies) let them know thats terrible manners- and that may not mean confronting them (it might) but blow the off in public when you see them, by not even giving them the time of day,it is personal as i see it ,how can people know there bad manners if yo dont show some kind off disapproval? im being nice here :idea:

[Vince A]

These days, I could care less if I get turned down, although it is rare, at a UCWDC event, that anyone will get turned. Everyone is exceptionally nice.

But I do have an insulting answer for those followers that are very rude or smart mouthed! I'm sure I've put this on the DF before . . . but here it is again!

After asking them to dance, and if they are rude or smart-mouthed . . . I put my face inches away from their face . . . almost nose-to-nose, and speak just above a whisper . . .

"Why are you being so picky? . . . I wasn't!"

Of the less than a handful of women that I have said this to, three of them came over to me later and apologized, and we did end up dancing!

[danceguy]

That's a good one Vince! :)

Oddly enough, I wasn't being picky, she was the only available lady that wasn't dancing! I had already asked another lady who I generally avoid before her, so believe me it was slim pickings...I don't like to sit down once I'm on a roll...so I keep asking until I get a no or there's no one left. Another guy asked the same gal right after me and she told him no as well, so at least it wasn't just me.

We have a small dance community here so she's on my greylist for now...I may give her another chance, I may not. Me, hold a grudge? Never! :D

I'm sure I'll handle rejections better the more experienced I get...it just stinks when there's a shortage of women...of course most of it last night was the Oscars I imagine...we had a very small crowd at our usually packed Salsa night.

Hopefully next time, there will be a shortage of guys and the ladies will be asking me to dance. :wink:

SG

[bolerobaby]

Perhaps this is slightly off topic, but here goes. If this question is covered in another thread, my apologies.

I have been dancing off and on for over ten years. I'm a great dancer. What I don't know I learn quick and I can follow almost anything! I have recently been away from dancing for 3 years as I had a baby. I am back now but am no longer as slender as I once was. I am by no means large, but I am not wearing skin revealing clothes anymore. I'm sure after a few months of regular instruction and social dancing, I'll be back to glory days size, but I have found that I am not asked to dance very much. Being totally honest, does size matter? I am on the east coast of Florida, but not Miami! Is it just that I don't know anyone or is it my curves? :cry:

Bolero Baby

[pygmalion]

Hi bolerobaby! Welcome. :D There's a thread around here somewhere called Dancer's Bodies (http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?t=1293) that I think will interest you. :wink:


Have you thought about asking guys to dance, not waiting for them to ask you? Most won't turn you down, and when they see how great a dancer you are, you'll be up and dancing all night, I bet. :wink:

Welcome.

[pygmalion]

Oh, and by the way, I love Karinas. I have some. :D And Bridget Jones is my idol. LOL. I'm in Orlando, btw.

Welcome.

Jenn

[bolerobaby]

Thanks Pyg! I know you're right. I'm just suffering from a bit of low self esteem! I'm actually giving myself kudos for actually picking it back up and heading out! But I LOVE to dance! I'm so sorry for those skinny gorgeous girls who don't have the love! Such a waste!

I'll give it a try! Thanks for the link. I'll check it out...

Bolero

[pygmalion]

I'm actually giving myself kudos for actually picking it back up and heading out!


Absolutely right. Give yourself credit for the getting up and getting started. Bravo for you. :banana:

[bolerobaby]

Oh, and by the way, I love Karinas. I have some. :D And Bridget Jones is my idol. LOL. I'm in Orlando, btw.

Welcome.

Jenn

Thanks for the hospitality... I'm in Jacksonville! I just ordered new ones, back ordered though :x CAN'T WAIT!!!

If only I looked as good as Jones did at her weight!!! :P

Bolero

[pygmalion]

I had a feeling. I was thinking of Boleros Dancesport in JAX. And isn't there a ballroom competition coming up at Boleros sometime soon? March or April? A two-day comp?

[bolerobaby]

I had a feeling. I was thinking of Boleros Dancesport in JAX. And isn't there a ballroom competition coming up at Boleros sometime soon? March or April? A two-day comp?

I'm actually with Kaluby's not Boleros. I just love the bolero! Its one of my favorites (right behind cha cha, salsa, rhumba and - believe it or not- waltz!) but the others are such common screen names I just thought I'd be different. Not sure about the Boleros event (its considered high treason at my studio to attend another!) but I'll find out for you if you're interested).

What are the great clubs/social dances in Orlando?

Bolero Baby

[Pacion]

We have a small dance community here so she's on my greylist for now...I may give her another chance, I may not. Me, hold a grudge? Never! :D

Hmm, I don't think it is so much as a grudge but a chemistry thing. If that chemistry is shattered as a result of rudeness, it is very hard for it to come back. A few years ago, there was a guy I would dance with in classes, as we rotated. He was no Patrick Swayze/John Travolta let alone Fred Astaire/Gene Kelly. He made a comment about my dancing always being off (I have danced with some great salsa teachers with no problems so I was pretty sure the fault was not mine, although it could have been an off-night). Needless to say, I felt totally deflated and ever since then, whether it is in classes or at an event, I always avoid dancing with him. As far as I was concerned, that comment took me off of the high I was on and if that happens, I don't go back a second time, just in case it wasn't a "one off" :oops: I enjoy my highs/laughs too much for that sort of "punishment".

I don't recall a guy being rude to me when I have asked them for a dance but when I have asked someone a question and they were rude, I would them "a look" that a friend once said would stop a mad dog in it's tracks :lol: or respond with "Sorry I asked!" and turn on my heels.

A friend has experienced guys leaving her on the dancefloor, in the middle of a song :shock: when they asked her if she had a boyfriend and she said "yes" because it was suddenly apparent that they were there for one thing and it wasn't much to do with dancing :(

Scorpionguy, how about doing shines on the edge of the floor next time you don't have a partner, ie. dance with yourself. :wink: a) you get to dance (and if the music is good, it isn't quite as bad) b) the other girls might see you dancing and think - wow, if he is having so much fun by himself, I wonder what it would be like if I danced with him :D

[pygmalion]

I'm not going to ask you to commit treason against your studio LOL. I'll look up the comp in dancesportcomps.com I'm pretty sure it's soon -- I don't think it's an NDCA sanctioned event, but It's still probably worth the drive. About an hour and a half to two hours up I-4, then 95. No big deal.

There are so many dance venues in Orlando. Let me see if can find that old thread. Here it is! :D http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?t=1297

If you decide to head down, let me know, and I'll give your more specifics about what's happening on your travel dates. 8)

[pygmalion]

Sorry. bolerobaby and I got into a Florida girlfriend thing there, for a minute.

So, let me see, back on topic. I haven't actually been refused much, except by newbies, who were too scared to be rude. The one other time I can remember, a gentleman was pretty abrupt when he said no. So I gave him my most charming smile and asked him to save a rumba for me. When the next rumba came on, I went over and asked him for it. I'm glad he said yes, that time, because, whether he knew it or not, that was his last chance. Ever. As it turns out, he and his wife were in the middle of a "do we want to buy more dance lessons?" discussion.

SG, is it as salsa clubs that you're getting the rude no's? I wonder if there's a cultural component to what's happening that I don't understand. Hmm.

[Pacion]

Sorry. bolerobaby and I got into a Florida girlfriend thing there, for a minute.

Although it is not my thread, no compliants from me, as you digressed AND then apologised so charmingly :wink: :lol:

[danceguy]

SG, is it as salsa clubs that you're getting the rude no's? I wonder if there's a cultural component to what's happening that I don't understand. Hmm.

Hmm, it could be Pygmalion...there's not a lot of regular beginners where I go...most of the new leads get scared off and those of us moving through the ranks have to be pretty aggresive.

These venues are pretty small...usually anywhere from 20-40 people...but I've seen up to as many 60 at times. I think part of it is that some women are there for the flirting and such...me I'm there for the dancing! The same girl didn't turn down the better dancers or another guy that all the girls go ga-ga over. Sadly, many people do judge on looks, but there loss I say. :roll:

The odd part is...the girl I asked is not that great of a dancer...and I simply wanted to keep dancing and she was the only one left. Last time I ask her to dance though, I've thought about it more today and there are many other women that are more deserving of my time.

Funny though, I've been going to larger venues in the city...and although it was culture shock at first...I went to a new club for a workshop on Saturday and had the time of my life. Met a lot of real cool people and it was a mixture of on1 and on2 dancers...it was really fun!

Bolerobaby - First welcome to DF, and second I wanted to say that one of my favorite ladies to dance with is quite large...she could be as heavy as 300 pounds. I enjoy dancing with her because she has presence and has been very kind towards me...she's very tough to lead but I love the challenge. Some of the really thin sexy girls that all the guys talk about are absolutely HORRID to dance with. I mentioned one in my original post on this thread...this lady was very attractive but she couldn't dance to save her life. The guys were all over her...but I don't think many were giving her advice...they were too hooked on her looks...so unfortunately she won't learn very much that way. :?

I don't care about someones size or looks....can they dance? Do they make you smile and feel good?

Case closed. :D

[bordertangoman]

A question for the leaders out there, how do you all deal with getting turned down for a dance, especially when the lady is rude about it? I realize this is a very personal thing but as I'm dancing more and asking more women to dance, so goes my chances of getting turned down as well.SG

A bit of amateur psychology:
1. If a dame refuses a dance with you, being disappointed is normal, but assuming anything about what she's thinking else is guesswork. Shrug it off and ask the next available woman.
2. Take responsibilty for your feelings: no one makes you feel anything eg When you say that you won't dance with me I feel disappointed/pissed off/ because I need to make the most of this evening and there's no-one else I can ask.
3. Accept that people are either willing to dance with you or not. I prefer an honest 'no', to a reluctant ' oh all right then' after she's had a good look round the room and regards you as pretty much a last resort.

Here's a quote I love:
"Please only do what I have requested if you can do so with the joy of little children feeding hungry ducks.
Please do do not do as I requested if there is the slightest bit of fear, resentment, guilt or shame motivating you - that would be too costly for us both."
Marshall Rosenberg

[Pacion]

Bodertangoman

I love your quotes and agree with what you said re you are responsible for how you feel. But, if that person's comment/action catches you unaware/unexpectedly, it can let the wind out of your sails, and just how do you refill those sails?

In a social setting, with all that physical contact, the last thing you tend to prepare yourself for is someone being rude like that :?

[Phil Owl]

--Things kind of went downhill for me tonight during the lesson, as I danced with a woman who was the WORST follower I have ever danced with. Very charming and attractive, but she was off beat and a backleader and critiquer of truly epic proportions. Just a few minutes with her made me want to jump out of my skin...and it nearly ruined the Salsa high that I had going.

I know that type all too well, getting by on their looks and a big ego to boot. My policy now is, I wouldn't dance with that person if they were the last dancer on earth, period! I have no tolerance or room in my life for people that try to make themselves feel superior by putting down others. That sort of behavior eventually comes back to haunt them in the worst way.

--As soon as the dancing started I jumped in and danced a few until a girl I've danced with before turned me down with a quite harsh and snippy remark. I took it well considering but she was the only available lady that wasn't on the floor, I had no other choice in the matter! I sat down for a few but that was it for me...I couldn't seem to lift my spirits back up and I left a while afterwards.

I'm not asking for any advice in this as none can really be given, but I am curious to hear how the guys handle this, especially as novice dancers out in a club environment.

Well actually, you do have a choice. In that situation I would've chosen just simply to leave with my sanity and dignity intact. The best revenge is living well.

--Maybe I just need to develop some insults to fire back at these ladies? Not my style, but you never know. :wink:

Depending on how snotty the person was, and if you NEVER intend to dance with her ever again, you might try:

"You may be pretty and attractive, but your ego is so huge that you need a C-5A transport plane to carry it in" :twisted:

"I find it amazing that there's actually a dance floor big enough to fit your ego on" :twisted:

I know, we Owls have a mean streak too. :wink:

Also see this thread, Ever Have One of Those Nights?

http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?t=1397&highlight=

[Pacion]

The best revenge is living well.

I love it! :lol:

I have also heard that if you want to really annoy/upset someone who is ranting and raving, just be as sweet as apple pie, with the biggest smile you can muster, even though what you really would like to do is smash all their toys :? I have done with some success and oh! The looks I have had. :lol: It felt so much better than literally "smashing their toys" :lol:

[twnkltoz]

Maybe she was in a bad mood...women do that, you know! :) Give her one more chance...I like someone's suggestion of asking if you've angered her somehow. Insults and snappy comebacks rarely win anyone over.

[danceguy]

Maybe she was in a bad mood...women do that, you know!

Really? I've never noticed! :P :roll: :P

Honestly, I don't think I will give this gal a second chance. I don't mind being turned down for a dance...its all in the approach. When someone is that unkind to others, it leaves a lasting impression on me.

I certainly don't want to win her over, or dance with her ever again. Its a lot tougher for us men to get experience while dancing, and I remember each and every lady that has been unpleasant towards me. Its a good reminder to always be kind to others, since there seems to be a shortage of good folks out there.

But I'm glad to include myself among them. :)

SG

[bordertangoman]

I love your quotes and agree with what you said re you are responsible for how you feel. But, if that person's comment/action catches you unaware/unexpectedly, it can let the wind out of your sails, and just how do you refill those sails?

In a social setting, with all that physical contact, the last thing you tend to prepare yourself for is someone being rude like that :?

Try empathising with her " you seem angry/frustrated/in a bad mood. Has something happened to upset you?" She may not be interested in your concern, but often a little persuasion works.

As to refilling the sails, just dance when there is a new partner available.

[bordertangoman]

[
Hmm, I don't think it is so much as a grudge but a chemistry thing. If that chemistry is shattered as a result of rudeness, it is very hard for it to come back. A few years ago, there was a guy I would dance with in classes, as we rotated. He was no Patrick Swayze/John Travolta let alone Fred Astaire/Gene Kelly. He made a comment about my dancing always being off (I have danced with some great salsa teachers with no problems so I was pretty sure the fault was not mine, although it could have been an off-night). Needless to say, I felt totally deflated and ever since then, whether it is in classes or at an event, I always avoid dancing with him. As far as I was concerned, that comment took me off of the high I was on and if that happens, I don't go back a second time, just in case it wasn't a "one off" :oops: I enjoy my highs/laughs too much for that sort of "punishment".
:D

I think there's a big difference between chemistry and rudeness. There are some people who I can see dance well and I do okay but together its four left legs so I just accept it. There are a couple of people who I won't dance with becuase they still haven't got the basics of following and I just get really frustrated at their incompetence but I won't be rude I still think encouragement is better.

[Pacion]

Perhaps "chemistry" was not the right word to use? Unless you have repeated dances with someone, you generally have just a few minutes in the other person's company. If, on one of those occassions, they are rude/aggressive, any "pleasant feelings" you may have had towards them is disturbed => unpleasant feelings. Why go back with the possiblity of more of the same? Unless, you have had lots of dances with them to then say - "Oh! What's going on!" - except, not quite in that way :wink:

I dance with everyone, the first time I am asked. I have even danced "salsa" with a guy who had never had a lesson or danced salsa in his life :shock: which he admitted to on the dancefloor! :shock: So, I gently guided him :lol: did a lot of solo dancing (as he had also had a few drinks so was abit clingy) and then on parting, suggested to him that he takes some lessons, if he loves the dance so much :oops: But, he got his 3-4 mins :wink:

If someone I have danced with, asks for a second dance and I found our first dance to be rough or his hands were going places they did not have a licence for, then yes, I decline, but always with a smile :? :D

[MapleLeaf Salsero]

Things kind of went downhill for me tonight during the lesson, as I danced with a woman who was the WORST follower I have ever danced with. Very charming and attractive, but she was off beat and a backleader and critiquer of truly epic proportions.


SG, I would have asked her, "Do you give private lessons?..." 8)

[MapleLeaf Salsero]

I have been dancing off and on for over ten years. I'm a great dancer. What I don't know I learn quick and I can follow almost anything! I have recently been away from dancing for 3 years as I had a baby. I am back now but am no longer as slender as I once was. I am by no means large, but I am not wearing skin revealing clothes anymore. I'm sure after a few months of regular instruction and social dancing, I'll be back to glory days size, but I have found that I am not asked to dance very much. Being totally honest, does size matter? I am on the east coast of Florida, but not Miami! Is it just that I don't know anyone or is it my curves? :cry:
Bolero Baby

I would have to agree with Pygmalion. ASK the guys to dance! The great majority of the men will indeed dance with you.

Three years is a long time to be away from the dance scene. Most people you knew have dropped out or disappeared. Your face is not familiar at the clubs. Guys won´t ask you mainly because of two reasons:

a) think that you can´t dance
b) feel there´s a big risk of rejection

It has NOTHING to do with your curves (except for maybe a handful of the guys; don´t worry about those). In order to break the ice you have to ask the guys.

[Vince A]

I personally do not know any women who is too shy or too embarrased to ask a man to dance at a dance . . . . . . . . . .

[tsb]

I personally do not know any women who is too shy or too embarrased to ask a man to dance at a dance . . . . . . . . . .

i have some female friends who are a bit more genteel in their thinking & they've told me that they're just not comfortable asking, so it's understood that when they come & sit down next to me and don't say anything they're waiting for me to ask them. and i do. it's kinda cute actually. if only they had a handkerchief to drop in front of me... is there an old latin cultural equivalent?

[cupojoe2]

Bolero Baby wrote

b) feel there´s a big risk of rejection

As a guy, I may be breaking the code here, but I am amazed how much most of us are terrified by the thought of rejection and how many good things we miss in life because of it.

It is like many of us would rather sit out every dance or stay home every night instead of facing the possibility of being told “no.”

Well, even though I am not Catholic, I have decided to give up this silly fear for Lent.

I must confess that this is a little scary for me – since I am really a Newbie and at the few dances I have attended, I have always waited for the woman to ask me to dance.

So if this weekend, someone asks you to dance in the clumsiest way imaginable, be gentle it just may be me.

[Kitty]

I must confess that this is a little scary for me – since I am really a Newbie and at the few dances I have attended, I have always waited for the woman to ask me to dance.

So if this weekend, someone asks you to dance in the clumsiest way imaginable, be gentle it just may be me.

You are so cuuute! :kissme:

[danceguy]

Hi Joe,

It is pretty intimidating at first as a new leader...and the more you ask the ladies the more you face the possibility of rejection. But it does get easier...just think of it as how you handle asking a girl out for a date.

When I first starting dating, if a girl turned me down I'd be depressed about it for quite a while These days, it hardly bothers me at all...so the only way to get better is to keep on asking and you may be surprised how many women will say yes!

I don't handle the rejections well myself...as I love to dance and it really stinks when you have to sit out because there's a shortage of women. Just keep on going...eventually you'll be there on a night when there's a shortage of men...and then the night is yours. ;)

SG

[MacMoto]

I don't handle the rejections well myself...as I love to dance and it really stinks when you have to sit out because there's a shortage of women.

You have places where there's a shortage of women!? :shock: I think I'll move to your city... and you know, I never say no when asked to dance. :D

[Vince A]

Hi Joe,
It is pretty intimidating at first as a new leader...and the more you ask the ladies the more you face the possibility of rejection.
But think about that for a moment . . .
If you asked a hundred women to dance in one night, and you received 50% rejections . . . that's still 50 more women than you would have had if you did not ask . . . plus the fact, that dancing with those 50 women would have put you on the floor more . . . and that is what is known as "floor time." Floor time is one of the very best ways to get better at dancing!

So, put out your hand and ask her to dance . . . TO DANCE . . . you're not asking to marry her . . . just to dance!