I Can't Dance Like Nobody's Watching

[Don Silver]

Originally published October 7, 2007
from http://www.UnlikelySalsero.com

I Can't Dance Like Nobody's Watching (http://www.unlikelysalsero.com/2007/10/i-cant-dance-like-nobodys-watching-yet.html)

Maybe you’ve heard someone say "Dance Like Nobody's Watching," and maybe you’ve already embraced it yourself. But I’ve noticed that most people who spit this mantra at you are already strong dancers. It’s easy to dance like nobody’s watching when everybody likes watching you dance.

I think that’s like the calendar girls who say “the human body is art, and showing it is fine.” It’s easy to be comfortable in a swim suit (or less) when you could be on the cover of Victoria’s Secret. And I’m pretty sure they haven’t seen me without clothes, or they would amend their "body is art" statement.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about the process of dancing without care or inhibition. In some venues, I do pretty well with that concept, but it isn’t always the case. In most clubs, there are a set of people dancing and a set of people watching, and I just do my thing, effectively ignoring them and focusing on my partner. In that environment, I know I’m a work in progress, and I’ve learned to deal with the discomfort of others being critical.

Frankly, I realize that most people simply don’t care about me; they’re focused on themselves, on their dancing, on their image. That’s fine with me.

As a musician, I learned a long, long time ago that when performing, someone is always in the audience saying “I could do that better.” In LA, many times there IS a set of stronger musicians in the audience, so I learned to ignore them and think, “Ok, maybe he could do it better, but he’s sitting in the audience. I have my strengths too. These musicians asked me to perform, not him, so I must be doing something right.” The more energy you spend worrying about what others are thinking, the less focused you are on your performance or social dancing.

Over time, I matured, and I suspect the same thing applies to dancing. You have to toughen yourself as you grow, putting yourself in situations that are not always comfortable. Over time, you realize that other people think about you much less than your paranoid ego fears they do, and you have to go through the experiences to get better.

I’ve had a couple times over the years where I’ve thought, “Maybe I should stop going to clubs for X months, and just practice on my own. The next time I show up at the clubs everybody will marvel at my progress.” Then I realize, “Ahhh, that’s not realistic; going to clubs and practicing is what makes me better, so just get over yourself and ignore everybody else while you learn.”

Of course, it’s easy to say that, but sometimes I’m still moderately embarrassed while working through different phases of growth. Being a work in progress means some days will be better than others, but nothing beats the experience of being in the arena rather than sitting and watching others have fun.

Here’s a simple example: Sometimes I’m in my car, and working on head, neck or shoulder isolations while driving or sitting in traffic. Funny thing is, I’ll often stop when I realize someone has noticed me doing exercises, even though I dance in front of hundreds of people per week at the clubs.

The exercise will help my dancing, and the car practice is good time management, as long as I don’t hear breaking glass from impact with those around me. I don’t know these people now, I doubt I’ll ever see them again, they can’t hear my music, and I’m actually making progress with my practice.

Why do I stop? What’s my problem? In that situation, I’m obviously too worried about them thinking I’m crazy or otherwise abnormal. When I take a cold, hard look, it’s obvious I shouldn’t care what they think.

If I actually continue my exercises, possibly entertaining them and giving them a good laugh, I’m making their world more interesting and improving my dancing. In a way, I’m giving them a gift, even though they may be laughing at me rather than with me.

Of course, if I continue and my dancing improves, I’ll have the last laugh. Someday all those car hours of practice will fool people into believing that I’m a naturally gifted dancer, rather than someone who practices good time management.

Think of them telling their friends, “Yeah, I’m sitting in traffic, and this gray-haired guy in his Lexus is grooving to something. I think he was on drugs, or maybe he was having a seizure, I almost called 911, but then I figured out he thought he was dancing and I laughed so hard I had to pull over and wipe the tears from my eyes. This guy is a hoot. Watch for that gray Lexus.”

So I’m on crusade: I’m trying to worry less about others, especially those who don’t know me. I’m thinking about what can I do to truly dance or practice like nobody’s watching, and give myself the mental freedom to occasionally look like an idiot.

How do we toughen ourselves, so we grow to our full potential? We can take different classes where our skills put us in the lower third of the class, then stick with it to become above average. We can read books about mind/body connections and high-pressure performance situations and find situations where growth is required. This may include doing a performance, going to new classes, entering a competition and/or joining a dance team.

In my case, I’m adopting the same dance attitude I have while playing music, plus taking classes and practicing.

We should also look for little things, like practicing shines in the line at the bank, or doing a few spins at the grocery store. The idea is to be bolder than you were in the past, doing little things in places where people will notice, knowing you have to ignore them and focus on refining your techniques.

For example, it would be easier to do our favorite, most rehearsed shine sequence while waiting at the bank, but we should also working on the ones that don’t always work, because the risk of temporary failure makes us stronger. Ninety-nine percent of the people around us can’t do the shines either, so if we “fail” temporarily, refine, and then get it right, it toughens us and makes us stronger dancers.

In some classes I've moved my location from hiding in the back, to being in the front row, someplace close to the instructor. I'm no longer in the middle of the pack on the "across the floor" exercises, instead going close to the front, or sometimes even last, which means almost everybody else in the class is watching.

It’s not always easy for me, but I do it anyway, and you should too. I’m wondering what others are doing to toughen themselves?



Let me know your thoughts and techniques.I feel like I'm in a rut. Every time I go to bed at night, I find myself getting up again in the morning.

--Brad Stine

[Laura]

I compete and I definitely dance better when people are watching :)

Interesting article, thanks for sharing it.

[DennisBeach]

When we were starting out and were concerned what others thought. We would only dance at ballroom and swing dances, were you knew most people were not watching you, because they were dancing.

As we progressed, we learned, the only people that say anything to you, are the ones that think you are good. Now we dance in places were most of the people are not dancing and don't worry about them. In the beginning we would not do that.

[Don Silver]

When we were starting out and were concerned what others thought. We would only dance at ballroom and swing dances, were you knew most people were not watching you, because they were dancing.

As we progressed, we learned, the only people that say anything to you, are the ones that think you are good. Now we dance in places were most of the people are not dancing and don't worry about them. In the beginning we would not do that.

What I find interesting for me is I already crossed that bridge as a musician, so intellectually and emotionally I "get it."

But I'm still a work in progress from a dance perspective. I've toughened quite a bit since I originally wrote that article, but last night I slipped a little.

In a basic hip-hop class, I was clearly the oldest, out of place student. I was dancing right behind the instructor, back two rows (out of four), in the middle of the class, in a reasonably bold position, where there were plenty of people behind and beside me. (I originally stayed totally in the back.)

For the first 50 minutes following the instructor, I totally ignored everybody else, even when the moves were far outside my comfort zone. Then he split the class and had all the ladies clear the floor, and there were just the guys. (Most were my son's age, with a few exceptions...) All the females were standing behind the guys, so they could easily see all of us.

He did 2 songs, and I held my own for the first song, but before the second he announced he wanted us to "freestyle" and as I was getting my water, I just didn't feel good about going back to my highly visible position. I basically stayed on the side, not wanting to be as bold as I've been other times.

I'm not thrilled with the fact that I didn't stay in my highly visible spot, but I was there most of the class, which is still strong progress for me.

It also helps me as an instructor when I take classes that are a stretch, since I relate to students who don't feel good about their immediate progress. I know what it's like not getting something that everybody else seems to be getting.

I'm still working on my mental toughness, and I rarely stop any exercises in the car. I blindly do my thing, working my isolations.

I also like hearing what others are doing to be bolder in their learning, especially when outside their primary comfort zone or the dances where they are already above average.

[DennisBeach]

We started cruising after we had been dancing about a year. That forced us to be bolder, because most of the times we had a chance to dance, there were numerous people watching. It was either dance with people watching or no dancing, so we danced and it did make it easier after that.

[sweavo]

Interesting. I totally can dance as if no-one's watching, and if I'm honest, if someone's watching I like it more (though my lead suffers a bit).

However, I DON'T RUN. Not even for a bus, from a dog, or to the hospital. When I run, I just know EVERYBODY IS WATCHING AND MOCKING. Because other people can run and I cannot.

Maybe that should be my goal for dance growth. Go running once a week so I can get more empathy with those who are self-conscious dancing!

[Don Silver]

We started cruising after we had been dancing about a year. That forced us to be bolder, because most of the times we had a chance to dance, there were numerous people watching. It was either dance with people watching or no dancing, so we danced and it did make it easier after that.

I'm ignorant to that term "cruising" as it applies to dance. Does that mean you go to different clubs?

[Don Silver]

Interesting. I totally can dance as if no-one's watching, and if I'm honest, if someone's watching I like it more (though my lead suffers a bit).

However, I DON'T RUN. Not even for a bus, from a dog, or to the hospital. When I run, I just know EVERYBODY IS WATCHING AND MOCKING. Because other people can run and I cannot.

Maybe that should be my goal for dance growth. Go running once a week so I can get more empathy with those who are self-conscious dancing!

Hmmm... I don't know if you are kidding about the running thing.

My working theory: If we find ways to stretch and be bold while off the dance floor (the majority of our life), some of it will carry over to the dancing.

Similar to posture. I work on my posture off the floor, so it's just a part of me, instead of having my "dance posture" be so different from my normal posture.

I'm sure others have some great ideas and I'm interested in hearing your strategies.

[sweavo]

Hmmm... I don't know if you are kidding about the running thing.


Not kidding. Always hated running, never had a positive experience at it, and have manipulated my life to erase all need to do so. Maybe it's time I confronted that one.

[DennisBeach]

I'm ignorant to that term "cruising" as it applies to dance. Does that mean you go to different clubs?

Sorry - I meant going on Cruise ships. It was either 7 nights off not dancing or dancing when most of the people were watching, rather than dancing.

[danceronice]

Not kidding. Always hated running, never had a positive experience at it, and have manipulated my life to erase all need to do so. Maybe it's time I confronted that one.

I run like a girl. Which I suppose is sort of okay as I am in fact a girl, but it's not very efficient or aesthetic. So I basically try not to run unless something is chasing me or I see the bomb squad running.

Is it possible to be really self-conscious about social dancing and not at all about dancing in competition? Because I don't care who's watching if I'm competing. In fact I'm annoyed if I'm not being watched. But socially...er. It's just weird.

[chocolatchica]

I run like a girl. Which I suppose is sort of okay as I am in fact a girl, but it's not very efficient or aesthetic. So I basically try not to run unless something is chasing me or I see the bomb squad running.

Is it possible to be really self-conscious about social dancing and not at all about dancing in competition? Because I don't care who's watching if I'm competing. In fact I'm annoyed if I'm not being watched. But socially...er. It's just weird.
Funny you mention running. When I was in jr high I loved running because I could beat anyone in the PE races. SO one day they have like a little competition and me and a another girl are finalists and I'm al excited to show everyone my stuff. Ok, so I take off super fast and hear everyone laughing and realize once I win that everyone thinks I run really really badly (aesthetically speaking of course). Ever since then I'm not to fond of running in front people. Weird.....Anyways, I am kind of like that for dancing. Because I have danced before I have a little bit more confidence than if I were doing something I had never tried but I still get nervous when some pros are watching me. It's like, "What are they looking at? Am I doing something wrong??? Do I look that bad?"

[Don Silver]

Not kidding. Always hated running, never had a positive experience at it, and have manipulated my life to erase all need to do so. Maybe it's time I confronted that one.

Of course, that's up to you. In my mind it's good to find things where I have to stretch, because winning my personal battles improves everything in life. For most people, winning in one area can build confidence in other areas.

Since you are already comfortable dancing in front of others, you have to decide if beating the running mindset would provide other benefits for you.

For me, things that stretch outside my current comfort zone are a win, as they expand my ability to deal with learning while others are watching.

I have to simply get over myself. Nobody really cares how I'm doing, they worry about themselves, so I shouldn't care.

[Don Silver]

I run like a girl. Which I suppose is sort of okay as I am in fact a girl, but it's not very efficient or aesthetic. So I basically try not to run unless something is chasing me or I see the bomb squad running.

Is it possible to be really self-conscious about social dancing and not at all about dancing in competition? Because I don't care who's watching if I'm competing. In fact I'm annoyed if I'm not being watched. But socially...er. It's just weird.

That is normal and makes sense to me. In a competition you are rehearsed and know the plan in advance. That provides some comfort and confidence. It's fun to have someone watch us when we are doing something we know we can do well. You know you have a move coming up that is strong and looks great.

When social dancing, we are venturing into a different world.

When it starts, we don't know how it will go. The odds of a "mistake" or a missed opportunity are much higher in a social dance. Sometimes after I start a move, I immediately realize it was a poor choice, because of the music, where my partner was, or the people around us.

We know our partner can make us look much better or worse, but in either case there are plenty of unknowns. When people are watching, they see the good, bad and ugly, sometimes all in once dance.

In LA we get to watch many of the people who win competitions and see them social dancing. It's obvious they are different as some of them are strong at both, some amazingly "OK" in the social scene.

BTW - I'll guess social dancing with your competition partner is also more comfortable, compared to a quality unknown lead.

[Hock Siew]

Dear Unlikely Salsero,

Firstly, thank you for a very nice and interesting article.

Now, on the following note,

That is normal and makes sense to me. In a competition you are rehearsed and know the plan in advance. That provides some comfort and confidence. It's fun to have someone watch us when we are doing something we know we can do well. You know you have a move coming up that is strong and looks great.

When social dancing, we are venturing into a different world.

When it starts, we don't know how it will go. The odds of a "mistake" or a missed opportunity are much higher in a social dance. Sometimes after I start a move, I immediately realize it was a poor choice, because of the music, where my partner was, or the people around us.

We know our partner can make us look much better or worse, but in either case there are plenty of unknowns. When people are watching, they see the good, bad and ugly, sometimes all in once dance.



Oddly enough, I feel differently from what some of the readers here wrote. When I am dancing socially, I do not really bother too much about other people watching (I have been dancing socially for some time now). I focus only on my partner and myself. I do keep an eye on the dancers in the immediate vicinity but that is for ethical/safety reasons. With regards to the dance itself, I’m only interested in how my partner feels. Now, I’m not a performer or competitor (well, I’m not that experienced a dancer to begin with :) ). But the one time I did do a small studio performance; I felt very anxious and nervous. Maybe it partly has to do with the fact that I do not have experience doing performances. But mainly for me, when the dance is a performance; apart from the both of us, we are also dancing for the audience as well as the person/s who asked us to perform in the first place. I guess I feel pressure from this “responsibility”. I don't know - perhaps, if I ever do more performances and competitions, I will begin to feel differently about them :)

[Don Silver]

Dear Unlikely Salsero,

<snip>

Oddly enough, I feel differently from what some of the readers here wrote. When I am dancing socially, I do not really bother too much about other people watching (I have been dancing socially for some time now). I focus only on my partner and myself. I do keep an eye on the dancers in the immediate vicinity but that is for ethical/safety reasons. With regards to the dance itself, I’m only interested in how my partner feels. Now, I’m not a performer or competitor (well, I’m not that experienced a dancer to begin with :) ). But the one time I did do a small studio performance; I felt very anxious and nervous. Maybe it partly has to do with the fact that I do not have experience doing performances. But mainly for me, when the dance is a performance; apart from the both of us, we are also dancing for the audience as well as the person/s who asked us to perform in the first place. I guess I feel pressure from this “responsibility”. I don't know - perhaps, if I ever do more performances and competitions, I will begin to feel differently about them :)

I'd suspect most people are more nervous about a performance than social dancing, because all eyes are on you. A smaller group will be the opposite and enjoy performing because there is a degree of control.

Performing and social dancing are related and have tons of overlap. However, most people are much stronger at one and often just OK at the other. I know some amazing social dancers who will NOT enter a Jack and Jill or any other competition.

For planned performances, you can rehearse 10 times or 400 times. You can take the hardest moves and rehearse them for weeks or months. If you have performed quite a bit, you learn how to manage the nerves. For some people, this makes it comfortable to showcase their experience, and enjoy others watching. Few people are comfortable performing until they have done it enough, but once you cross that bridge, it's fun.

Social dancing has less pressure for most people, because perfection isn't expected AND overall there is less focus on one couple. Many social dancers will not be the first/only couple on the floor, because that puts the spotlight on that couple and then it trends toward a performance mentally.

It also depends on the partners... I can be very comfortable social dancing with partner X and not care who is watching, because we have a history of strong dances. I can dance with another partner, who is new, or way above or below my level and feel uncomfortable if people are watching us.

A small set of people just don't care what others think, and they can dance in almost any situation and be comfortable. They are beyond worrying what others think as they are learning, social dancing or performing.

I want to join that group, but I'm a work in progress as of this writing.

I'm always curious what others are doing to expand their comfort zone. Your thoughts and feedback are welcomed!

[Hock Siew]

Social dancing has less pressure for most people, because perfection isn't expected AND overall there is less focus on one couple. Many social dancers will not be the first/only couple on the floor, because that puts the spotlight on that couple and then it trends toward a performance mentally.

It also depends on the partners... I can be very comfortable social dancing with partner X and not care who is watching, because we have a history of strong dances. I can dance with another partner, who is new, or way above or below my level and feel uncomfortable if people are watching us.

A small set of people just don't care what others think, and they can dance in almost any situation and be comfortable. They are beyond worrying what others think as they are learning, social dancing or performing.

I guess it’s the same for me. Because perfection is not expected, I don’t feel pressure when dancing socially. Furthermore, I’ve danced around a bit, so I’m a bit used to dancing in a social environment; even when there is no one else on the floor and regardless of whether I’m dancing with someone familiar or not. However, there are a few occasions when I do feel self-conscious while dancing socially (this would usually be when I think that my instructor is watching me – perhaps it’s because I know they know how good or bad my dancing is :) ).

I want to join that group, but I'm a work in progress as of this writing.

I'm always curious what others are doing to expand their comfort zone. Your thoughts and feedback are welcomed!

At one stage earlier on in my dancing, in order to make myself more accustomed to dancing in front of people; when I go social dancing, sometimes I deliberately make a point to dance on the area of the floor where most people can see me. I guess, for dancing in front of people (like anything else), practice helps.

[waltzgirl]

I never worry about anyone watching in a social dance situation. When I think about who I watch when I'm sitting out, I watch the best dancers on the floor. So I figure, if someone's watching me, that means I'm good. And if I'm bad, they're watching someone else.

[Don Silver]

I guess it’s the same for me. Because perfection is not expected, I don’t feel pressure when dancing socially. Furthermore, I’ve danced around a bit, so I’m a bit used to dancing in a social environment; even when there is no one else on the floor and regardless of whether I’m dancing with someone familiar or not. However, there are a few occasions when I do feel self-conscious while dancing socially (this would usually be when I think that my instructor is watching me – perhaps it’s because I know they know how good or bad my dancing is :) ).

At one stage earlier on in my dancing, in order to make myself more accustomed to dancing in front of people; when I go social dancing, sometimes I deliberately make a point to dance on the area of the floor where most people can see me. I guess, for dancing in front of people (like anything else), practice helps.

You have it right, although I think both dancing more AND being bolder work together. The more I dance, I continue to improve which also builds my confidence. More confidence makes it easier dancing while others are watching. The more I push myself to dance when outside my comfort zone, the easier it gets.

I still work on being bold even even I don't feel confident or I'm working on new, uncomfortable moves or attending challenging classes. I see time and practice make a huge positive difference for me.

[DennisBeach]

I never worry about anyone watching in a social dance situation. When I think about who I watch when I'm sitting out, I watch the best dancers on the floor. So I figure, if someone's watching me, that means I'm good. And if I'm bad, they're watching someone else.

I use to use that point with my wife, because she is bothered by people watching us. As we improved, I started regretting ever mentioning that <g>.

[dancerman]

I compete and I definitely dance better when people are watching :)

Interesting article, thanks for sharing it.

The more people who watch me dance the better. I have fun dancing no matter what. I know that shows whenever I am on the dance floor.
I am not a "Great" dancer but I am a "Fun" dancer. For me that's what dancing socially is about? I know my dance partners enjoy dancing socially with me, so it works for me.

[Don Silver]

The more people who watch me dance the better. I have fun dancing no matter what. I know that shows whenever I am on the dance floor.
I am not a "Great" dancer but I am a "Fun" dancer. For me that's what dancing socially is about? I know my dance partners enjoy dancing socially with me, so it works for me.

That is an excellent attitude and I agree that social dancing is about having fun. You have it totally right; if my partner is having fun, my fun goes up dramatically. (Frankly, I can have a just OK dance but if she's having a great time, I enjoy it myself.)

I hear people say "just have fun" and when I know I'm incompetent, then it's harder for me to enjoy myself. I understand it's a process and can fake it or ignore others while I'm working through it, but I'm not really having fun.

As an instructor, I see some guys are having a great time doing some dancing that would embarrass me. I respect their attitude and see that is a positive but that isn't always me.

Over the years (I'm in my late 40's) I've learned that I have more fun at things when I'm above average. While I pretend and power through it during the early stages, my fun expands dramatically when I'm in the ballpark.

I see there is a spectrum of people, and some are having fun from their first days and some are like me and the fun starts after they reach a certain level of competence. Like I said, I can fake it when required, but my fun improves as my level increases.

Are you similar?

[Don Silver]

I never worry about anyone watching in a social dance situation. When I think about who I watch when I'm sitting out, I watch the best dancers on the floor. So I figure, if someone's watching me, that means I'm good. And if I'm bad, they're watching someone else.

You are right, in theory nobody cares, watches or thinks much about me and my level unless I'm above average. Individuals vary as to how much they care about what others think.

My working theory is learning to deal with audience/critics/friends watching is another skill to master and it gets stronger over time. For many of us it's a learned skill and takes some time.

The more we practice being bolder, the easier it becomes to ignore others watching (and to start enjoying it).

[noobster]

I see there is a spectrum of people, and some are having fun from their first days and some are like me and the fun starts after they reach a certain level of competence. Like I said, I can fake it when required, but my fun improves as my level increases.

I'm more like dancerman for most things in that I don't mind looking silly or beginner-ish if I'm enjoying myself. Salsa is a bit different though in that there's another person in the equation, and unfortunately if I am not at least minimally competent, it's pretty unlikely that they are enjoying themselves. I remember feeling bad a lot of the time for the first eight months or so of learning salsa because I knew I wasn't giving my partners their 'fix.'

So I think most learned skills become more fun as you get better at them; but this is even more true for salsa because as you get better your partner has more fun, and you can dance effectively with more skilled partners, so the fun factor is cubed. :)

[SuzieQ]

Interesting. I totally can dance as if no-one's watching, and if I'm honest, if someone's watching I like it more (though my lead suffers a bit).

However, I DON'T RUN. Not even for a bus, from a dog, or to the hospital. When I run, I just know EVERYBODY IS WATCHING AND MOCKING. Because other people can run and I cannot.

Maybe that should be my goal for dance growth. Go running once a week so I can get more empathy with those who are self-conscious dancing!
:smile: I thought I was the only person in the world who couldn't run! Thank you for admitting this! I force myself to jog sometimes, but outright running--just can't get it! I should join you for your once-a-week "running practice!"

[SuzieQ]

I try to concentrate on my partner when social dancing, but if I notice that someone is watching, that just adds to the fun.

[noobster]

I try to concentrate on my partner when social dancing, but if I notice that someone is watching, that just adds to the fun.

Noticing someone is watching just makes me all weird and self-referential. I hate catching a spectator's eye when I'm dancing. It creates this neurotic internal monologue where I'm like, "zoicks, are they looking at me? - nah, it's probably that I just happen to be dancing in front of them - but now they probably think I think they're looking at me even though it was just an accident we caught each others' eyes at all - maybe they think I'm trying to show off or something - or maybe they are noticing all my mistakes - urgh, my flow is out the window..." Complete buzz kill.

[Hock Siew]

...I hear people say "just have fun" and when I know I'm incompetent, then it's harder for me to enjoy myself. I understand it's a process and can fake it or ignore others while I'm working through it, but I'm not really having fun....

...Over the years (I'm in my late 40's) I've learned that I have more fun at things when I'm above average. While I pretend and power through it during the early stages, my fun expands dramatically when I'm in the ballpark.

I see there is a spectrum of people, and some are having fun from their first days and some are like me and the fun starts after they reach a certain level of competence. Like I said, I can fake it when required, but my fun improves as my level increases....

Looking back on my early days when I started social dancing in Salsa, I found that I enjoyed it just as much then; eventhough, I would not have been dancing quite as well at all :-( . Perhaps, it's a case of "ignorance is bliss". I just hope that the girls I danced with at the time had fun :) (and if not :oops: , am very grateful that they were so gracious! :applause: ).

[Hock Siew]

I'm more like dancerman for most things in that I don't mind looking silly or beginner-ish if I'm enjoying myself. Salsa is a bit different though in that there's another person in the equation, and unfortunately if I am not at least minimally competent, it's pretty unlikely that they are enjoying themselves. I remember feeling bad a lot of the time for the first eight months or so of learning salsa because I knew I wasn't giving my partners their 'fix.'

So I think most learned skills become more fun as you get better at them; but this is even more true for salsa because as you get better your partner has more fun, and you can dance effectively with more skilled partners, so the fun factor is cubed. :)

I agree that one needs to achieve a certain minimal level to start enjoying oneself. But it very much depends on the individual and the person he or she is dancing with. If both are beginners; but they both accept that they are in the learning stage (well, we all are), and are willing to overlook each other's mistakes (I'm not going to go into things like accidents on the dancefloor, floorcraft, etc, etc, here), then they can still both have a good time.

However, I do know how you feel. When I dance with a much better dancer than myself (and especially if I'm dancing with an awesome dancer); I do wonder whether they enjoy it. But on the other hand, I don't really bother about other people watching.

And I do agree that as one becomes better, one does gets more out of it. I keep finding that there is so much more to appreciate in the dance, the longer I keep dancing. :)

[Hock Siew]

I never worry about anyone watching in a social dance situation. When I think about who I watch when I'm sitting out, I watch the best dancers on the floor. So I figure, if someone's watching me, that means I'm good. And if I'm bad, they're watching someone else.

Same with me. When I'm watching people dance on the social dancefloor, I will usually watch the better dancers, or dancers I like for a specific reason. I will only look at beginners for a few seconds at most (unless I know them personally or am the one who brought them there :) ).

[noobster]

If both are beginners; but they both accept that they are in the learning stage... then they can still both have a good time.

However, I do know how you feel. When I dance with a much better dancer than myself (and especially if I'm dancing with an awesome dancer); I do wonder whether they enjoy it.

Everybody I danced with was better than I was when I started! I didn't do group lessons really, so I didn't know any other beginners. I just took privates and went out social dancing. I got my rear end handed to me by more experienced dancers on a regular basis.

And I do agree that as one becomes better, one does gets more out of it. I keep finding that there is so much more to appreciate in the dance, the longer I keep dancing. :)

Definitely agree! The only thing that kept me going through those first eight months or so was the knowledge that it was going to be really fun if I could only break through the beginner barrier. I was so right btw! :D

[biggestbox]

one thing that I'm working on is to motivated my dancing with my eyes, whether you are focused on your partner, audience or looking straight down or straight up, I dance my best when I have a sense that I am dancing outside of my body. sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, i don't see myself I see a stranger that moves as if someone else is controlling him. As dancers we have no control over the result of our dancing, we can only control the effort we use to make the action. As a quick example, beginner turners try to control everything about a turn. I can only do 4 or 5 turns on one foot, but i never feel like I'm making the turn. i am making an action and the turn happens. School, class, and lessons all teach you HOW to do things. they correct imbalances that you might not be aware of, When you finally dance however, it is just pure attack.

[chocolatchica]

Interesting. I totally can dance as if no-one's watching, and if I'm honest, if someone's watching I like it more (though my lead suffers a bit).

However, I DON'T RUN. Not even for a bus, from a dog, or to the hospital. When I run, I just know EVERYBODY IS WATCHING AND MOCKING. Because other people can run and I cannot.

Maybe that should be my goal for dance growth. Go running once a week so I can get more empathy with those who are self-conscious dancing!
Oh my gosh me too! I thought it was just me. Yeah I ran once to catch a bus and felt like an idiot because I saw people watching me. I wouldn't run if a pitbull were chasing me. Lol. So I feel you.....
P.s. love your avatar. That look is priceless

[rajendra]

Actually i feel that dance should be always like no body is watching u. The reason behind this is, that in that case u'l dance like anything and will enjoy dance completely..that will give u satisfaction.

[Don Silver]

Actually i feel that dance should be always like no body is watching u. The reason behind this is, that in that case u'l dance like anything and will enjoy dance completely..that will give u satisfaction.

In theory I agree with you. The ideal dance gets outside yourself and you are in the moment, paying attention to your partner and the music. Spending energy on what other people think is a waste and non-productive. Today I can do that most of the time salsa dancing, but I'm not a beginner in that area.

In other words, we are on the same page overall. Dancing like nobody is watching is the right goal, but it's not something I can do until after I reach a certain level. Based on the e-mail I get, many others share this issue. We get satisfaction from being above average at different activities, even if that isn't the ideal mindset for learning. My satisfaction grows with my overall accomplishments.

If someone tells me "Just dance like nobody is watching", that doesn't flip some switch for me where I can stop being aware of my strengths and weaknesses at that time.

For example: I take a hip-hop class twice a week. In that class I'm fine when following the instructor. I stand close to the center of the room, near the front of the class, ignoring everybody and just working on my stuff. I'm surrounded by people who overall are MUCH stronger than me.

But sometimes he clears the floor (60-75 people or so), and just has the guys dancing (10-20 of us normally).

Now all the ladies are around the room watching. Nobody cares about me directly, so it's all in my head. But my stress level can go much higher at that point because it's a large room and I don't blend. (I do go to the center, and I don't try and hide even if I'm uncomfortable.)

That is a severe challenge for me... sometimes I can ignore the crowd, other times I feel out of place. Nine of ten classes I'm the senior member, and the next oldest person is 10-15 years younger than me. (Which does NOT matter... I choose to be in the class, and everybody is extemely nice to me... )

Of the guys, I'm often among the least experienced, and a couple of the guys are near pro level, because the instructor is off the charts good. (Side note: In some of the classes I've been around world-class hip-hop dancers, and I see what it looks like when you're among the best...)

I am dramatically better at ignoring the others today compared to when I first started, but it's an ongoing mind game. Many of us have to work and get beyond a certain point before ignoring the others is realistic. A great goal, but not where I start.

Just telling me to "dance like nobody's watching" doesn't do it for me. But we can all get there if we work at it, and it's worth the effort.

Let us know the techniques you use to beat the game mentally.

[emeralddancer]

I am glad I found this ... I dance well in front of others especially if it is for show. If I know the routine. But I can not break the barrier yet when I am in my private class and others are around. I see these others and think that I must be a failure, though I KNOW they are there practicing. I just hate making mistakes in front of people. I do not have a way to break out of it ... I just keep doing what I am told and am slowly letting go and just focus on what I am being taught, how to execute it, etc ... I am learning to embrace the joy I feel at dancing! I am a work in progress!

[Don Silver]

I am glad I found this ... I dance well in front of others especially if it is for show. If I know the routine. But I can not break the barrier yet when I am in my private class and others are around. I see these others and think that I must be a failure, though I KNOW they are there practicing. I just hate making mistakes in front of people. I do not have a way to break out of it ... I just keep doing what I am told and am slowly letting go and just focus on what I am being taught, how to execute it, etc ... I am learning to embrace the joy I feel at dancing! I am a work in progress!

I'm with you on that... a few months ago I found a hip-hop "party dance" class which focuses on dancing with different grooves. It's more about taking a feel the instructor sets up, then making minor adjustments as the comfort level increases. With regular practice I'm starting to get more comfortable, but I can see it's a journey for me. Some days are much better than others, and I've taken two private lessons with the instructor (a third is now scheduled) to be sure my foundation is strong.

Leading while partner dancing is one skill, solo dancing or shines is another. Depending on where you start, most are stronger in one or the other, and they tend to build their dances based on their strength and comfort. Over time most get stronger in the other area, but that is mostly a choice.

Most of dance improvement revolves around that dirty word called "practice" and the more I do, the more things start working for me.

[flashdance]

I used to find it quite scary to perform in front of others on my own. When my teacher asked us to perform our routines in front of her before our exams a few months back I just fell to pieces!

I wasn't going to bother with the exam at one stage so decided to get a bit more practice at the gym I goto - it worked as I got the routines and also alleviated my fears as the whole gym can look into the studio... so kill two birds with one stone ;) People do watch sometimes - just smile back :D

It's a good feeling performing in front of others... kind of like the rush you get when on a rollercoaster - it's great :D ;)

[Don Silver]

I used to find it quite scary to perform in front of others on my own. When my teacher asked us to perform our routines in front of her before our exams a few months back I just fell to pieces!

I wasn't going to bother with the exam at one stage so decided to get a bit more practice at the gym I goto - it worked as I got the routines and also alleviated my fears as the whole gym can look into the studio... so kill two birds with one stone ;) People do watch sometimes - just smile back :D

It's a good feeling performing in front of others... kind of like the rush you get when on a rollercoaster - it's great :D ;)

Performing in front of others is always a kick for me. As a musician, I love it. Some of that is I've been on stage thousands of times over the years, I talk to my drums and overall feel very "at home" on stage. Over the years I've learned how to recover from the mistakes and issues that happen if you perform enough.

My overall confidence in my strengths allows me to minimize the stress of mistakes. I may know I've had a bad night compared to my abilities, but the audience rarely knows. That's simply enough time and practice over many years.

All that said, in a newer environment for me (dancing), I know how little I know compared with where I want to be. It's easy for me to see how much is a work in progress.

I was at a class last night and the instructor started pulling people out to freestyle. He didn't pull me out (thankfully) but the people who did it were all a year or more ahead of me, and a couple were semi-pros on their way up to being full-time dancers.

I can see I'll get there, but I would have looked silly next to these more experienced dancers (a hip-hop class). I am at that point where I'm fine being a mimic, but just getting to where I have things in mind that make sense with the music on my own.

Someday I'll feel comfortable doing my thing, but I'm still a work in process in solo dancing. I know what it feels like from music, but I'm working on getting outside myself in some dance styles.

BTW - I was totally fearless as a young musician. Since I thought I was great, I played better. Later I was embarrassed looking back and realizing how immature I was (read: bad). I suspect that colors my dancing, where this time I know I'm a work in progress.

[Moonstone]

When I first started to dance.... I can't dance and not thinking people are watching. Now, there are only 2 situations I cant dance like nobody is watching
1) My dance partner and I are the ones on the dance floor
2) I have to do some shines since my dance partner is doing. I cannot simply stand there and do nothing right? But the thing is, I don't know any shines so my
"shines" are basically free-style and I think I'm probably making a fool of myself. :P

[Don Silver]

When I first started to dance.... I can't dance and not thinking people are watching. Now, there are only 2 situations I cant dance like nobody is watching
1) My dance partner and I are the ones on the dance floor
2) I have to do some shines since my dance partner is doing. I cannot simply stand there and do nothing right? But the thing is, I don't know any shines so my
"shines" are basically free-style and I think I'm probably making a fool of myself. :P

I doubt you're making a fool of yourself, and hats off to you for being out there doing something.

I'm taking hip-hop classes where the longer term goal is on individual, free style dancing. So far I'm still very uncomfortable on my own, but I see as long as I keep at it my day will happen.

Many partner dancers start with a dance background (party dancing or other) and that experience makes shines/solos much easier.

The rest of us have to grow into it over time.

[Tiantian26]

I am so happy to find this forum, and i am happy to read such kind of articles, dancing is my dream, i can not live without dancing! Thanks for sharing!

[SDsalsaguy]

Welcome to DF T26! :cheers:

[BlueSkies]

Hi Don,

Thanks for this article, it was very interesting. The "oh no they're all watching me and I'm rubbish" thing totally destroyed me when I was trying to learn salsa... I'd make progress for a few months, then have a bad experience and quit for 6 months and of course, get nowhere fast.

Nowadays though it's a different picture. I left salsa and started Argentine Tango but in the time between attempting the two dances I'd grown and learned a few things about myself.
- Firstly, the "map is not the territory" concept. Essentially I was (and still am) my own worst critic and what I had decided people thought of me wasn't the truth, it was only my critical picture of myself. The most powerful thing I could do was not to change myself, but to change my view and stop telling myself everyone else thought I was rubbish.
- Secondly, I realised I could get a massive kick out of doing something that scared me, and every time I did so, it got easier and even more fun the next time. I started to actively look for things I was scared to do.
- Finally, I realised that I get a great deal of pleasure from learning any skill, but can't stand the feeling that I'm not progressing.

So when I approached Argentine Tango it was with a very different mindset, I was able to concentrate on the learning process, and enjoy all the little challenges of doing things that scared me a bit. With my new map of the territory, I blasted through "beginner hell" and fairly soon felt competent and felt I could see myself progressing.

Now, If I'm honest, having people watching is only relevant if it gives me a little bit of fear to overcome for the fun of it. For example, I helped out demonstrating tango in a busy shopping centre, dancing with crowds of people watching and commenting, dancing with random strangers from the crowd... something that would have been flat out impossible for me a few years before.

There's a beautiful thing I've experienced in tango (which I'm sure happens in other dances as well), where everything apart from your partner and the connection between you just disappears. If you bothered to think about someone watching it would only be to think that they couldn't possibly understand what's happening between the two of you. That's what I'd propose as "dance asif noone is watching". It's when the embrace ends and you blink and think to yourself "Huh, there are people here..."

Of course, as you point out, just saying it doesn't make it so, and worrying about it probably makes it worse. Perhaps it's like the eastern philosophy of "empty mind". Certainly in archery, another former hobby of mine, the best performances came from a total absence of conscious thought and the absolute confidence that the next arrow was already in the 10, before it was released.

Thanks again for an interesting article and interesting followups.

Blue

[bordertangoman]

Interestingly enough I did a demo last night at a class, and I felt I hadn't got the attention of the people in the room, my partner thought I'd chosen a difficult piece to dance to, but then i thought well I cant change those things, I'm damned if I'm going to stop and change the music so may as well enjoy it and most of the time I dance internally anyway not as a perfomer; so maybe I cant control how people respond and I dont need their approval I need my own. (another kettle of worms)

[elisedance]

How did it go down? I mean did the class enjoy it/comment?

[sandy87]

Interesting. I totally can dance as if no-one's watching, and if I'm honest, if someone's watching I like it more (though my lead suffers a bit).

Not even for a bus, from a dog, or to the hospital. When I run, I just know EVERYBODY IS WATCHING AND MOCKING. Because other people can run and I cannot.

Maybe that should be my goal for dance growth. Go running once a week so I can get more empathy with those who are self-conscious dancing!

[Joy In Motion]

When I first started to dance.... I can't dance and not thinking people are watching. Now, there are only 2 situations I cant dance like nobody is watching
1) My dance partner and I are the ones on the dance floor
2) I have to do some shines since my dance partner is doing. I cannot simply stand there and do nothing right? But the thing is, I don't know any shines so my
"shines" are basically free-style and I think I'm probably making a fool of myself. :P

I must say that if your partner is doing shines and doesn't realize or care that you either don't know any shines or don't feel comfortable doing them, he or she should not continue doing them, at least not very much. Dancing is like having a conversation. Why would you continue to do something that is not contributing to the partnership and the connection between the two of you? One of my frustrations on the dance floor for sure. I think a big part of being able to enjoy yourself when dancing in front of others is trusting that your partner is paying attention to you and making it an enjoyable exchange. I think oftentimes we are just as afraid of our partner embarrassing us as we are of embarrassing ourselves. And it isn't a matter of how many moves they know but how attentive they are in their dancing to both the music and their partner. A big key. Your attitude toward your partner and the dance can go a long way toward putting them at ease and bringing out the best in them.

[Joy In Motion]

There's a beautiful thing I've experienced in tango (which I'm sure happens in other dances as well), where everything apart from your partner and the connection between you just disappears. If you bothered to think about someone watching it would only be to think that they couldn't possibly understand what's happening between the two of you. That's what I'd propose as "dance asif noone is watching". It's when the embrace ends and you blink and think to yourself "Huh, there are people here..."

Of course, as you point out, just saying it doesn't make it so, and worrying about it probably makes it worse. Perhaps it's like the eastern philosophy of "empty mind". Certainly in archery, another former hobby of mine, the best performances came from a total absence of conscious thought and the absolute confidence that the next arrow was already in the 10, before it was released.

Ah, yes, flow. You are right on with your descriptions. You might want to check out a few articles I've written about flow in social dance. Phrases like "effortless action" and "relaxed concentration" from flow research came to mind when I read your post.

To tie these two themes together, the issue of overcoming one's fear of performing in front of others in a social dance context is absolutely essential in order to experience flow. I find Argentine tango communities discuss flow more than any other dance form (even if they don't use that term), but I have found the experience to be present in every form of social dance. I think it's a combination of boldness and humility that gets us there.

[AndaBien]

For me, if I get into any dance deeply enough, it's a meditation and all past and future disappears: there is only the moment. I find it much easier with AT, since it's such an intimate dance. Any thought about someone watching is a distraction from the dance. Of course, if I'm performing then I owe the audience something. Therefore, I rarely perform anymore: it's not as much fun.

[Joy In Motion]

For me, if I get into any dance deeply enough, it's a meditation and all past and future disappears: there is only the moment. I find it much easier with AT, since it's such an intimate dance. Any thought about someone watching is a distraction from the dance. Of course, if I'm performing then I owe the audience something. Therefore, I rarely perform anymore: it's not as much fun.

There is indeed something about the close embrace that seems to wipe away distractions and allow for greater connection and flow. When I dance tango in open embrace, I am much more aware of an audience, and the same applies for dancing salsa and west coast swing. I think it also depends on how many couples are on the floor. The more space you have, the more you feel like there is a spotlight on you. Whether that is good or bad depends on individual preference. Knowing people are watching you does not prevent flow, but it might feel like a different type of flow.

[emilyanderson]

when you are dancing in front of a audience, you need to make sure that your audience is enjoying.. if you are not comfortable dancing in front of a large number of people you cant perform your best.

[jrj073000]

I definitely agree, and so would the guy in this commercial. http://adwido.com/view_content?vkey=70f4cac5ac6568a54867286c0ddec104

[DancinDrea19]

I always let my nerves get ahold of me when dancing in front of many people...like at comps...even though I know half of them aren't paying attention.I don't know I just get too nervous...I wish I could dance like no one was watching..

[etp777]

heh, my problem, doing our FA regionals, is that I know that most people in the room ARE watching me. wish everyone in region didn't know my family. :)

[latingal]

Interestingly enough I have just found out that I dance better when I actively seek out somebody in the audience to watch me. Very odd for somebody who is usually the self conscious sort.

[ballroomdancer33]

Maybe when you have forgotten yourself and have already embraced the language of the dance that is when you can dance like nobody's watching...;)

[Ray Sison]

As in so many things (in the arts, in writing, sports, and so on), there is a lot of motivation to practice and get good at something when you know that someone will see your efforts--as when you prepare for a showcase. Not everyone is a performer, it's true; but knowing that you will be seen can inspire you to work on your dance technique. And when you improve, when you are just dancing for fun it will be even more fun, feeling a sense of confidence and proficiency. You can let yourself go, dancing much more instinctively and not worrying too much about what you're doing. Letting your muscle memory take over, allowing you to let yourself both flow over and with the music...

"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem."