Practicing Social Dance

[Cras108er]

Greetings all, I am a relatively new dancer. I started dancing because it was something DW always wanted to do, but had never been allowed to do as a kid. I initiated our taking lessons. We both enjoyed it for a while, and would dance often - usually it was in the privacy of our own home, except for our weekly lessons. We were going to a chain studio, that in our opinion was far too expensive for what we were hoping to get out of it. After a year of lessons, we could only do the most basic of moves, and did not feel like we were advanced enough to go out on the social dance floor. How many times can you do a box step - albeit a very good box step?

We began taking group classes with a community dance group. Lessons are much less expensive and we feel we are learning a lot more. Maybe we're not as technically perfect as the dance studio was teaching, but at least we can get out on the floor and dance.

So, here is the problem. I find that I LOVE dancing now. There is nothing like moving effortlessly around the floor with your partner, in unison with the music and with each other. DW says she loves dancing, but she is not nearly as committed as I. I'd like to take 1-2 lessons a week and practice at home at least five nights a week. During the practice, I want to work on things like leading, following, connecting, musicality, etc. DW doesn't want to put that much effort into it. Fifteen minutes of practice is enough for her. She's not that excited about going to lessons, and has told me on more than one occasion that she is "only going for me," or has skipped lessons all together. When I come home, I have to teach her the followers part, but she gets frustrated easily. If we sign up for a four-week group class, I can probabl count on her for one maybe two of the sessions.

So here is the deal: I want to improve as a dancer, but don't see it happening with our current situation. When we do go out to a social event (maybe once a month), she'll want to do different dances that we haven't really practiced, or that we learned three months ago. As a leader, I'll end up on the floor drawing a blank about what moves we have learned because I haven't practiced them enough - which is why I am generally uncomfortable asking other women to dance at social events. I do real well in lessons, but I need to practice the moves again in order to commit them to muscle memory.

I suggested me getting a practice partner (just for social dance - I have no interest in competing right now). She is not in favor of that. She says that "she is my partner." So I said all that to say, what can I do? Where do most of you practice your dancing. Doing it on the social dance floor doesn't seem like the right time. Doing it during lessons is great, but you (or maybe just me) need reinforcement. Doing it at home would be great, but it appears DW isn't as passionate about it as I thought she was. What do you suggest?

Sometimes I feel like just throwing my hands up and saying, "well I guess you didn't really want to dance that badly afterall," but I can't. I've been bitten by the bug. Can you tell I'm frustrated? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Cras108er

[Chris Stratton]

Not to make too much light of your situation, but its almost comical how yours is the reverse of DF'r gclarke's. It's almost as if everyone who wishes their husband were more serious about dancing doesn't know that there's a fundamental law of the universe stating that if he were, she wouldn't be... as your case demonstrates.

Anyway, more practically, to make social dancing workable without those blank moments, try to put a real minimum of material for each dancing into the unthinking muscle memory. It doesn't really matter if you are only using 3-4 steps, if they are instinctive for your body, you'll be in great shape for socials. Sometimes you might try to lead something that's more out of conscious memory, but it if fails, that will be okay because the will be no disabling pause - you'll revert to the comfortable things without hardly even thinking.

[Gorme]

The majority of my practicing comes during the social parties. I'm fortunate that the studio holds them several times per week rather than once a month. While on the social floor, practice what you know well and occasionally throw in something new you're trying to work on. If it doesn't work out, give the woman a friendly smile and move on. You can try it again on another woman later.

Once you develop some friendly dance relationship with some of the regulars, you can convince them to allow you to try out things you've been working on in your lessons. Treat every woman as a potential practice session regardless of their skill, but don't make it obvious that is your goal. The goal of the social dance is to have a good time.

[nucat78]

Ah. Delicate situation. Almost the same thing happened with me and my former girlfriend, except in my case I gave up on the relationship instead of the dancing. Obviously not applicable in your case. And of course, there were other issues, not just her lack of dancing.

I have yet to find a practice partner though, so my practicing is limited to home, studio and other dances, and going to the studio early so I can use the floor even if alone to practice.

I've mentioned a couple times that I think there is a mindset among newbies and or non-dancers that dancing is mainly a romantic, sexual thing. This can make the casual or non-dancing spouse feel threatened when all of a sudden hubby or wife is bitten by the bug and wants to spend a LOT of time dancing. I'd say thoughtful, honest communication is the key. Maybe let her know it's your love of dance, not a loss of love for her that's driving you?

[DL]

Typically (in my 2-3 years' experience), the things that beginner leaders and followers seem to value most in practice aren't really the same, and it is frustrating, just like OP says. It's also frustrating when followers known personally from class or elsewhere *won't* help with practice, but want to, "just dance," at socials, then sniff at the (literally) unpracticed leads they get.

I was lucky to encounter some patient/encouraging followers in class and socials, including some who post here.

(That much is meant in the same vein as Gorme's point about the importance of establishing learning relationships.)

I got (and still get) a lot of mileage out of foxtrot and waltz mixers at socials, because I could practice simple steps over and over with a variety of partners for several songs, gain floorcraft practice, etc.

For non-traveling dances, doing basic steps repeatedly while adding say, 1 new step to my repertoire per month, seemed to work OK. (Note, that's an ambitious goal if applied across multiple dances at once). The aphorism, "use it or lose it," especially applies early on.

(That much is meant in the same vein as Chris' point about muscle memory.)

I was also lucky and found a group classmate who was willing to practice figures learned during class, right after class. I was also lucky to land in a studio where practicing is free, provided deference is always given to paid use of the floor. I'm not sure whether this would trespass on the, "finding a partner," boundary OP mentioned. Note, eventually I had to compete with her occasionally to really pursue serious practice, but after a couple of years I became less averse to (dance) competition and see some benefits from it. My anecdotal experience suggests that followers willing to engage in serious practice without expecting to obtain a competitive partner in return are quite rare.

Are there followers out there who don't pursue competition, but do pursue serious practice with partners? If so, what are the benefits the follower reaps from this? For leaders, the most obvious initial benefit is to start moving around the floor with confidence, in any dance, regardless of the follower's skill level. That's a huge up-front hurdle to having fun / participating / learning at socials. But, from observation, experience, and reading this forum, I suppose that the learning challenges and their timing in the learning process are different on the, "flip side." I guess my question is, "Other than comptetition, what motivations exist for beginner followers to engage in the kind of practice beginner leaders find useful?"

[SnowDancer]

I was in a very similar situation to the original poster. One thing I've found very helpful is to 'shadow-dance' at home, often repeating the same move throughout an entire song. This helps get it into muscle-memory. You can also walk though challenging portions as slowly as you want and as often, in ways that might bore an actual practice partner. You won't make your wife jealous, although she might think it a bit strange.:rolleyes:

Then, if you keep attending group classes, and go out social dancing (and dance with multiple partners), you will not only improve, but you'll make friends in the dance community. In my case, a woman in one of my classes recently asked if I'd like to practice with her.

[noobster]

My anecdotal experience suggests that followers willing to engage in serious practice without expecting to obtain a competitive partner in return are quite rare.

Are there followers out there who don't pursue competition, but do pursue serious practice with partners? If so, what are the benefits the follower reaps from this?... "Other than competition, what motivations exist for beginner followers to engage in the kind of practice beginner leaders find useful?"

I used to have a practice partner for social salsa. I had (and have) no interest in performing or competing, but I did want to improve and I found the partnership quite helpful for that. It was great to be able to get explicit feedback about how my following felt to my partner, and it allowed me to work on various technical issues in a no-pressure setting. Also it gained me a good salsa friend whom I could bring to new venues to make sure I'd have a partner if the pickings were slim.

[Gorme]

Are there followers out there who don't pursue competition, but do pursue serious practice with partners? If so, what are the benefits the follower reaps from this?

There are several followers in my studio who have no interest in competitions, but wishes to improve dancing in general for the love of it. They're interested in a leader who shares the same goals and experience. Unfortunately, all the leaders who fit the experience criteria are competitors. Those who fit the goal category, the followers are too impatient to develop a working relationship. Maybe I'll point them your way if you're around here.

[samina]

I feel for ya, cras108er...you're in a common but frustrating situation.

I like snowdancer's idea of "shadow dancing". That's something you can do on your own. And what if you just take that 5 nights a week desire to practice and just do it, on your own? It would bear some fruit on your end (speaking as one who has mostly been unpartnered and who has spent many hours practicing solo). But also, your passion may become contagious to your wife...she might just start jumping in if she sees you working hard, having fun...and making progress! :)

[fascination]

A) be patient alot of this is just part of being new...sometimes you are going to be at parties and the info will just seize up and not load...keep going

B)consider taking some private lessons on your own to increase your reperatoire and opportunities to learn how to best lead things....if she joins your for part of the lesson fine...if not, that's okay too....

C) take care to do things in moderation lest it become a wedge/resentment

D) don't give it up if you love it...

[nucat78]

There are several followers in my studio who have no interest in competitions, but wishes to improve dancing in general for the love of it. They're interested in a leader who shares the same goals and experience. Unfortunately, all the leaders who fit the experience criteria are competitors. Those who fit the goal category, the followers are too impatient to develop a working relationship. Maybe I'll point them your way if you're around here.

Could you please send one to Chicago? I'll pay the freight charges.

[Purr]

Could you please send one to Chicago? I'll pay the freight charges.

Since when did a follow become freight? ;)

[Peaches]

If she's a heavy follow?

(Not talking about poundage.)

[Gorme]

:uplaugh:

[Purr]

If she's a heavy follow?

(Not talking about poundage.)

If that's the case, then probably nucat78 wouldn't pay the shipping.

[DL]

There are several followers in my studio who have no interest in competitions, but wishes to improve dancing in general for the love of it. They're interested in a leader who shares the same goals and experience. Unfortunately, all the leaders who fit the experience criteria are competitors. Those who fit the goal category, the followers are too impatient to develop a working relationship. Maybe I'll point them your way if you're around here.

Thanks! (but I live in NE and am not looking at the moment). I was just trying to raise a way to help OP to explore that question. It's unlikely that I fit the experience criteria you describe, when I was exploring it. The solution I eventually did find wasn't restricted to social dance.

For the OP -- if even limited after-class practice is a non-starter, doggedness, regular attendance at socials (it's a small world; give those encouraging followers a chance to know you by sight), and taking advantage of mixers, seem like other ways forward. It might also be worth finding out whether there are many students who would be interested in getting together and asking the studio to add a guided practice or practice party in a group class scheduling slot.

In the end, everyone is dependent upon other members of the dance community to keep improving. Building dance relationships over time seems key (even if they're not dedicated practice relationships).

[DennisBeach]

hing learning relationships.)
Are there followers out there who don't pursue competition, but do pursue serious practice with partners? If so, what are the benefits the follower reaps from this? For leaders, the most obvious initial benefit is to start moving around the floor with confidence, in any dance, regardless of the follower's skill level. That's a huge up-front hurdle to having fun / participating / learning at socials. But, from observation, experience, and reading this forum, I suppose that the learning challenges and their timing in the learning process are different on the, "flip side." I guess my question is, "Other than comptetition, what motivations exist for beginner followers to engage in the kind of practice beginner leaders find useful?"

We have been social dancing for 7 years and still practice. All the followers I know that practice dance with their husband and the two practice together regularly. probably about 25% of the couples we have met, practice regularly. Almost of them want to practice, but most do not.

Reasons for practicing is to learn and/or master new moves. To improve or at least maintain technique. It's fun and it is exercise. Based on my experience, social dancers practice less than competitive dancers. Normal is once a week, for the social couples we know that practice regularly.

[dbk]

Sorry if someone said this already, but:

Have you asked her why she's lost interest? Maybe she doesn't like the way your instructor teaches, or the way practices are being run, maybe (and I'm not saying this to be accusatory - it's something that happens a lot in all partnerships, romantic or not) she doesn't like the way you treat her during practice.

Anyway, it's best not to try to guess why. Just ask, if you haven't already.