Is crazy-wild chemistry normal?

[gala]

Greetings to the forum,

I've been dancing tango since September, both in classes, private lessons and milongas, so I've danced with an extensive collection of leaders and styles.

I used to be a ballet dancer so I've learned quickly. I'm also quite cute. And yes, this is relevant to my question.

I've never had really delicious chemistry with a leader until recently. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden, after 3 songs or so, we merged into One. It was totally unexpected and magical. We danced close embrace, and he eventually brought my right hand in close to his chest, then placed my hand on his left shoulder and guided me with my right elbow. It was H.O.T.

After a few dances like this, I got a bit confused. Was this rare, or normal? I thanked him and went to sit. It was too much for me to handle. I wasn't sure what that was about.

Toward the end of the night we danced again. And again. And again. Same heat. We closed the place. We were both drunk on each other.

How often does this happen?? Is the tango scene pick-uppy? Do guys try to create this chemistry? He said it was a rare thing, but I'd rather hear other opinions.

I'm still healing from a bad breakup and I'm not ready to get involved with anyone. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, if I'd like to have coffee... but I made it clear that I wasn't available for any of that, despite having great witty banter off the floor and knee-weakening heat on the dance floor.

Um... help?! How often does this kind of heat and magic come along? Is this a normal thing that happens every week with a different leader?

Something this leader said was: How people dance is how they are. Meaning, it's not possible to feel one way on the dance floor and another way off the floor. But I'm not convinced. He was hot to me on the floor, but off the floor... I wasn't feeling it.

Am I in denial, naive, cowering in fear of getting hurt again... all of the above??

[samina]

I can't speak for the AT crowd, as I haven't explored that world (yet), but I have a couple or so years of ballroom, salsa, and some hustle dancing under my belt. And I would say that crazy-wild chemistry is *not* so common, and certainly a delight when it comes your way.

The thing about chemistry, tho, is that you can't assume you know what it means...it may have a limited context. Doesn't mean you're the love of each other's lives. You might connect creatively but have weak communication chemistry, or differing values. And I've had a couple hot connections on the dance floor with men I never saw again.

If you enjoy dancing together, no matter what else is there, it could bring you a lot of joy, gala. What harm is there in checking it out?

Just remember the dance community is a small one, and however you choose to act, it should be iin a way you won't regret if things cool off down the road...

[fascination]

um...just remember that lots of very bad explosions can happen in chemistry classes

[Lilly_of_the_valley]

Greetings to the forum,

I've been dancing tango since September, both in classes, private lessons and milongas, so I've danced with an extensive collection of leaders and styles.

I used to be a ballet dancer so I've learned quickly. I'm also quite cute. And yes, this is relevant to my question.

I've never had really delicious chemistry with a leader until recently. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden, after 3 songs or so, we merged into One. It was totally unexpected and magical. We danced close embrace, and he eventually brought my right hand in close to his chest, then placed my hand on his left shoulder and guided me with my right elbow. It was H.O.T.

After a few dances like this, I got a bit confused. Was this rare, or normal? I thanked him and went to sit. It was too much for me to handle. I wasn't sure what that was about.

Toward the end of the night we danced again. And again. And again. Same heat. We closed the place. We were both drunk on each other.

How often does this happen?? Is the tango scene pick-uppy? Do guys try to create this chemistry? He said it was a rare thing, but I'd rather hear other opinions.

I'm still healing from a bad breakup and I'm not ready to get involved with anyone. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, if I'd like to have coffee... but I made it clear that I wasn't available for any of that, despite having great witty banter off the floor and knee-weakening heat on the dance floor.

Um... help?! How often does this kind of heat and magic come along? Is this a normal thing that happens every week with a different leader?

Something this leader said was: How people dance is how they are. Meaning, it's not possible to feel one way on the dance floor and another way off the floor. But I'm not convinced. He was hot to me on the floor, but off the floor... I wasn't feeling it.

Am I in denial, naive, cowering in fear of getting hurt again... all of the above??

This feeling is not at all unusual for tango (which doesn't make it any less valuable and amazing). Some people feel it more often, some less. At times it happens naturally, spontaneously. But it is possible to create and recreate it. Experienced dancers try to do that for their partners all the time. Some would say, it's the whole purpose of dancing tango.
It is also true that some people do use it as a mean of seduction.
Whether or not you decide to act on it off the floor is completely up to you.

[Laura]

Sigh.

At this point in my life I'd pretty much die to feel something like that, even if it ended up being meaningless.

I had extreme hots for someone fairly recently, I could barely breathe when he was around, but I am not sure that he even noticed that I am alive.

Enjoy it my dear.

[samina]

Enjoy it my dear.

*yes*

It's the stuff memories are made of. Chemistry explosions notwithstanding, heh.

[dldbm]

Sigh.

At this point in my life I'd pretty much die to feel something like that, even if it ended up being meaningless.

I had extreme hots for someone fairly recently, I could barely breathe when he was around, but I am not sure that he even noticed that I am alive.

Enjoy it my dear.

I second that. I can relate Laura...hope you do find it...hope I find it too...

[Ampster]

Welcome to DF gala! :D

Nope, this is not rare. This is actually what AT people keep referring to "Connection." It is what we (as leaders) try to achieve at every tanda, regardless of partner. Its what AT is all about.

[BlueSkies]

Great topic

I'm a relatively new leader and yes, if I could create that magic connection at will in every tango I would, regardless of any off-the-floor romantic considerations whatsoever. It's part of the magic of AT for me, and one of the hooks that got me addicted.

In my very novice view, in a tango I am striving to create intensity of emotion (various different emotions as the music demands), in a vals I'm striving for a lighter more relaxed rhythmic flow around the dancefloor - some sort of smoothness perhaps, and in milonga I'm striving to create fun, play with rhythm and tease/surprise my partner a bit. Actually managing to do all of this, I see as a 20 year project :)

That said, in my experience a "great connection" isn't that rare, I would expect some great connection dances each dance night and there a number of followers that I consistently have great connection with barring a few off-days. The "my god this is so perfect I can't breathe" dances however I can count on my fingers after around a year of intensive dancing. It's quite a bit rarer and has all the symptoms you described so well :-)

Comparing tango to salsa, tango seems a lot less pick-upy to me. There's more intensity on the floor but the off-the-floor stuff is more subtle and slower paced. Not to say it doesn't happen, it certainly does, but it's less overt and there is less of a "player" factor, at least where I dance.

Putting myself in the place of your leader, I'd say he's being honest about not feeling this intensity often, and may be as bowled over as you were. If I was him I'd feel it was wise to take the time to get to know you better before asking you out etc, but I'd be struggling with the "oh my god" factor just like he seems to be...

Lily:
"Whether or not you decide to act on it off the floor is completely up to you. "

I'm with Lily, and there's no rush (or at least there shouldn't be in my opinion!

Blue

[Heather2007]

I've never had really delicious chemistry with a leader until recently. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden, after 3 songs or so, we merged into One. It was totally unexpected and magical.

After a few dances like this, I got a bit confused. Was this rare, or normal? I thanked him and went to sit. It was too much for me to handle. I wasn't sure what that was about.

Ha, ha, ha. It is good when it happens isn't it. I don't know how rare or regular this "feeling" is with others but for me it is rare and I can count just 3 or 4 guys with whom I had such a connection over the years that I've been dancing.

Do guys try to create this chemistry? He said it was a rare thing, but I'd rather hear other opinions.

Chemistry for me is something emanating from within (deep/soul level) and then expressing itself without (into the walk or dance). And of course everybody's chemistry is different to that of another and everybody's joy from that chemistry is different to that of another. So what we feel from that person differs from one to the next.

[/quote]Something this leader said was: How people dance is how they are. Meaning, it's not possible to feel one way on the dance floor and another way off the floor.[/quote]

I thoroughly disagree. Take actors for example. When two actors are playing lovers in a movie and they are doing it well, this is because they are good actors and not because they have designs on each other. Of cousre, there is a chemistry between them it is a chemistry that would have happened anyway had they met in a supermarket or on the road.

Do hope you continue to enjoy the tango but first and foremost treat it as jsut that "dancing and nothing else" and if something more comes out of it well, that's just a bonus. Happy days;)

[newbie]

and he eventually brought my right hand in close to his chest, then placed my hand on his left shoulder

Unusual position for the right hand, on his left shoulder. So, both your hands were on his shoulders and your position was similar to the slow piece dance, when you dance on Only you or on Angie. Smooch dance position, the body remembers the younger days, crazy-wild chemistry happens.

[gala]

Thanks to all of you-- leaders and followers-- for your feedback and for sharing your experience on this topic.

Around men, off the dance floor, I am very guarded and very clearly not available for a romantic anything. So tango has allowed me to explore my power in what felt like a safe, respectful space. When my guards so easily slipped down during our dance, magic happened. Yet another metaphor from tango to carry forward into life.

Maybe I'll let my guard slip a little bit and see magic happen a bit more often. Connection is what we are all seeking. Both on and off the floor.

Thanks again!

[Peaches]

While I agree that intense chemistry like that is possible in AT, and it's wonderful and magical when it happens, I'm going to throw something else out there.

Be careful. At ~9 months you're still very much a beginner, and there are guys out there who like to dance with beginner girls and seem to get a cheap thrill from it. I'm not necessarily talking about feeling you up or anything like that. But taking advantage of the closeness regardless. If you stick around in the AT scene, you'll start to recognize these people. It's not pleasant.

So just watch yourself.

[Peaches]

I'll also add that I've danced plenty of times in the position you describe (or something very similar), or other more "intense" embraces. Some men just tend to have that embrace, other times it just happens that we'll kind of drift into that position. Sometimes it's just me and the leader messing around. You'll probably find the same thing over time.

[Heather2007]

While I agree that intense chemistry like that is possible in AT, and it's wonderful and magical when it happens, I'm going to throw something else out there.

Be careful. At ~9 months you're still very much a beginner, and there are guys out there who like to dance with beginner girls and seem to get a cheap thrill from it. I'm not necessarily talking about feeling you up or anything like that. But taking advantage of the closeness regardless. If you stick around in the AT scene, you'll start to recognize these people. It's not pleasant.

So just watch yourself.

I couldn't agree with you more. And of course its easy for a beginning follower to mistake "sympatico" for "good chemistry".

[Peaches]

I couldn't agree with you more. And of course its easy for a beginning follower to mistake "sympatico" for "good chemistry".Yep. BTDT. Have learned from it.

[gala]

Right on, sisters. I do keep my antennae up, as I have experienced some of these guys who take advantage of beginners. Totally valid point.

I've only been dancing for 9 months but it doesn't really show. As I mentioned, I was a ballet dancer, so handle myself very well on the floor, especially after private tango lessons and a lot of milonga practice. Leaders are often in disbelief that I've only been dancing 9 months. Not to ring my own bell, but just to provide some context, that I'm very confident with the science of the dance, but it's the matters of the heart and soul that still feel very new, especially after such a bad breakup in the fall.

Totally appreciate all the support and insight on this.

[nucat78]

um...just remember that lots of very bad explosions can happen in chemistry classes

:uplaugh::uplaugh::uplaugh::uplaugh:

Gala, you said you are still healing from a bad break-up. IME, it's very easy to "fall" for somebody while your emotional wounds are still fresh. We want to replace the good feelings we had when we were part of a couple. Consider how quickly many ppl get remarried after nasty divorces. And the endorphins and dopamine that get released while dancing can have a narcotic effect on you.

That's not to say the connection you felt wasn't real, but I'd guard my heart if I were you. If something lasting is meant to be, it will be. I think here that "patience is genius".

[Joy In Motion]

I think there are two different types of flow or connection that you can feel when you are dancing.

One has to do with feeling very "in sync" with someone when you dance. It feels very supernatural, like you're reading each other's minds and are moving as one, and the other person seems to compliment you perfectly and show you a different understanding of the movement and the music that you have never experienced before. It feels very spiritual, not sexual.

The second feels very intimate and sexual and will typically feel like very strong chemistry and attraction for the other person within the dance. It feels good to move with that person and other aspects of their personality or movement patterns are very appealing and attractive.

I think you can feel both of these separately, but even more rare is when you feel them at the same time. But you do have to be careful because it is a powerful feeling and many beginning dancers can get swept away by it. It is like sexual chemistry outside of the dance world; you can have strong chemistry with someone, but it doesn't necessarily mean you connect on any deeper level. And there are people who will use their dancing skills to try and attract people to them. I agree with the others that this tends to happen more in salsa crowds than tango crowds, but there are always those type of people no matter where you go.

I typically am very wary of the second type of chemistry when dancing. I would enjoy it when it comes but not get swept away by it or act on it. If you happen to feel a deeper chemistry in other areas when you interact off the dance floor, that is a better indicator of whether it is real connection or not.

[Ampster]

...
Something this leader said was: How people dance is how they are. Meaning, it's not possible to feel one way on the dance floor and another way off the floor. But I'm not convinced. He was hot to me on the floor, but off the floor... I wasn't feeling it.


I would heartily disagree with his statement. Having this "Connection" on the dancefloor does not translate to off the floor. I've seen many an individual who was beautiful, loving, soulful in the milonga. However, outside of the milonga, these people were, well, blah. Or, totally different from their milonga persona.

So, be wary. Such is the allure of Argentinean Tango. Sometimes, that magical connection only happens in a milonga. Outside of that, we all have regular lives we have to live. Don't confuse nor mix the two.

[bordertangoman]

The last time I tried to create a little chemistry, my partner started giggling :(

[kieronneedscake]

I have known quite a number of wonderful connections which you might class as chemistry, or I tend to think of them as natural partnerships. People with whom your dancing personality gels and the rest of the world drops away. For me it's an absurd ratio like 100:1 where this happens. Some of those have the sizzling hot quality to them (without actually trying), and there have been a couple of cases that might have extended off the dance floor, but most have ended to La Cumparsita (or been botched by yours truly...)

I think it's a function of the woman relaxing her guards and surrendering to the dance (not the man!), and the man having the skill to inspire confidence in his partner and keep the dance going while under these intoxicating effects. A leader with a head full of sequences and no clue about the line of dance will surely never experience this sublime privilege. That's why it takes us all a good while of dancing before we have our first taste. Naturally a little animal magnetism substitutes somewhat for skill.

It's good, it's why I'm still dancing, it comes and goes between people without rhyme or reason, but definitely not something I would say is "normal".

[Steve Pastor]

When I first started AT, I, too, was recovering from an intense, years long relationship.
I was not ready for "close embrace", as part of my defenses. So, I kinda know where you are (but admittedly from the male side).

"He was hot to me on the floor, but off the floor... I wasn't feeling it."
I was in a "dance group" for a few years, and at one point we were asked to bend over, and look through our legs as we waved our butts. We objected, and our leader, who had danced professionally, said, 'What's the problem? It's just a dance.'
Well, now that I've been dancing for over ten years, I feel pretty much the same way.

When I dance with someone, and they are responding to me, I give them everything I can. Just last Saturday, someone whom I had never talked to or danced with before, but knew me from seeing me, asked if I was "a couple" with one excellent woman that I dance with. ("No, she's just really good", I said.)
I've been the object of a "dance crush" one or twice, too.

You've never heard or read that tango is a 3 minute affair? or something to that effect?
Both men and women will write that you get intense on the dance floor, but you leave it behind when you leave the floor.
It works for me.
That said, if it works really well with someone, I will look forward to repeating the experience (although, if it's someone new, I'm always a bit reluctant to risk the memory because it may have been a one time thing).

As part of ballet, are you taught to use/project/portray emotion? Come to think of it (and SYTYCD is probably why I'm thinking of this), maybe you aren't used to keeping emotions "in the dance box" (how's that for a poorly expressed idea?). I guess, too, that those of of who have been around for a while might be more practiced at it.

I think it's funny that at the country western place, there are lots of regulars who I have gotten to know over the years. Most of them think of it as a place where we go to socialize, and dance. AT is supposed to be like that in Buenos Aires. The social aspect is very important, and dancing is part of it. Here in the US, and probably up your way, and in Europe, things are different. One good friend said years ago that the Saturday night milongas seemed to have an air of desperation about them. I agreed, and stopped going. The Sunday practica features a fair number of teacher/dancers who pretty much stick to their own crowd, even though there are way fewer people than at the CW place.
OK. Enough with the close to (for me) stream of consciousness.

[SwingWaltz]

Apparently Tango is all about passion and chemistry.
um.....I'm really scared to do a spanish drag cause i'm afraid end up kissing my partner accidentally.

[Peaches]

Um...Spanish drag? Are you talking about AT, or ballroom tango? (IIRC, you dance ballroom, yeah?)

I can't tell if you were joking or serious from your post.

[sambanada]

This is wonderful.

[bordertangoman]

i'm afraid end up kissing my partner accidentally.


Now there's an idea ;)

reminds me of my kid sister who snaffled half my maltesers under the sofa and claimed they had accidentally rolled into her mouth!

[bafonso]

Right on, sisters. I do keep my antennae up, as I have experienced some of these guys who take advantage of beginners. Totally valid point.

I've only been dancing for 9 months but it doesn't really show. As I mentioned, I was a ballet dancer, so handle myself very well on the floor, especially after private tango lessons and a lot of milonga practice. Leaders are often in disbelief that I've only been dancing 9 months. Not to ring my own bell, but just to provide some context, that I'm very confident with the science of the dance, but it's the matters of the heart and soul that still feel very new, especially after such a bad breakup in the fall.

Totally appreciate all the support and insight on this.

oh it does show. Technically dancing tango is only the first step into it... and any serious follower will be able to pick it up 1-2 years, 6-9 months if you've danced before other stuff fairly competently. Only then the real tango begins... and it takes many years of listening and dancing with lots of dancers to get your own identity... I'm a young dancer but I have yet to see any other young dancer that I admire as a full blown tango dancer.

I partially agree with the guy, that what you are on the dance floor reflects how you are in life. That said, for someone inexperienced, a really experienced dancer can play roles and fool beginners. I'd worry more about the chemistry outside the dance floor than the one inside ;-) I've had many women tell me that I will need to find a girlfriend that dances too to fully appreciate me. Most men that dance with their heart have. It's part of a global shared dream and it's great.

I've had wonderful dances and some amazing. Everyone dreams about dancing with a lover and it can happen. And I believe you should pursue it if it comes along. Sometimes it's too intense. I had a girlfriend that was also learning AT and we could never finish a dance in the living room with our clothes on. ;-) She's not going out socially dancing so we haven't danced ever since (probably a good idea for my heart...). But she told me a while back she's been taking some more classes... but a lot of people just take classes!

If your heart feels it is right and the moment is right, go for it. You only live once. I'd rather risk being happy than not. :) I have found that tango music is so varied and diverse that it allows you to see how the other person feels in moments of happiness and sorrow. How they relate and feel those moments in life. It only works with musically oriented persons and that can understand in general the lyrics (spanish required of course...). I guess that's an underlying aspect of tango that a lot of people overlook.

i'll go back to lurking mode now :)