Help! I need advice!!!!

[Shamby]

DF family. I have noticed how friendly and helpful you all are for a long time. Now I have a problem of my own to ask about.

There's this fellow I've been dancing with for several months. He's ... he's a beautiful person and a great dancer. I really enjoy dancing with him. Parhaps too much. I have a fellow I've been dating for two years now. He's not a dancer, but he's a stable, reliable man, who likes my family and was everything I'd dreamt about until I started dancing.


Now, Im not so sure. I've been dancing with my new partner for the past months, and I think I may be falling in love. He's a beautiful dancer, and I feeling beautiful when I'm dancing with him. My dancing friends all think he's gay, but that can't possibly be true. When we're dancing, I feel magic, and I know he feels it too.

What should I do? I love my boyfriend. How could I possibly love my partner too? I feel like such a wicked girl.

[pygmalion]

Wow, Shamby. I'm not sure what to say. Let me think about your predicament a bit. But first, let me say that you are not a wicked girl. Dance relationships can get so complicated, sometimes, for all of us, not just you.

[Pacion]

A belated welcome Shamby.

Matters of the heart are always difficult. You didn't say what kind of dancing you are doing. Are you sure that it is love and you are not getting caught up in the moment? Have you tried to find out if he is gay?

[Shamby]

I am working on a medal in modern. Next will be street Latin, I think. Dancing in closed position with this fellow, I just know he can't be gay. We've been out together with friends after class a few times. Even when there are other friends around, I feel something special, and I just know he feels it too.

What has made me finally ask for help is that, last night after class, he asked me back to his flat. It was casual, but it was an invitation to his flat. My heart was racing! I went, as it was raining quite hard, but I felt guilty the whole time I was there. Nothing happened. We had a coffee and a chat. That's all.

[dancin_feet]

How much contact do you have with this guy away from dancing? It could just be the emotion of dance making you feel this way. I have some guys at dancing that to the uninitiated would seem that we are crazy for each other, but it's on the dancefloor only. Good friends off the floor.

[Shamby]

I'm so confused, dancin_feet. We dance together four nights a week at the studio, and sometimes have a coffee or a drink with friends. Last night was the first time he and I were alone together. So I don't know.

[pygmalion]

Hmm, Shamby. It sounds like there's something more going on here. He did invite you back to his place, after all.

[Shamby]

I'm half hoping there will be more in the future. He's such a nice man, and an understanding leader on the dance floor. He's wonderful, to me.

[pygmalion]

Your boyfriend is wonderful, too. Is that the problem?

[dancin_feet]

Maybe you two need to sit down and have a talk about it. Probably the only way to start to understand what is going on.

[Genesius Redux]

:lol: Effective gay-dar should be a required skill in female dancers who tend to fall for their partners! That could be a good recruiting ground also for contestants on--what's that reality show where the girl has to figure out which of the boys trying to date her are straight and which are gay?

Sorry, Shamby, I don't mean to make light of all this--but, I don't know, I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

You say you've been seeing this other guy for two years, and yet you're finding yourself attracted to your new partner. Can all really be well in Paradise? I don't think you'd ask the question if you were totally comfortable. And "my parents really like him" seems to me the kiss of death.

Has your partner said or done anything that suggests he might be interested in you? From your posts, you seem like you've been dancing for a while at least--but people who are new to dancing sometimes mistake a good working relationship for a romance. But that doesn't sound like you from what you've said. So drop the other shoe already--what's the real dirt? What has he said? What has he intimated?

If you really feel more attracted to this guy you've known for such a short time than the guy you've known for two years, then you owe it to yourself to at least explore those feelings. Maybe the next time he asks you out to coffee or whatever, take him up on it. You don't have to tell the old boyfriend.

There is a chance, of course, that you'll find yourself equally attracted to both. Who writes the rules here? We're all grownups, right? Are you exclusive with your old boyfriend? Have you had that conversation? Why can't you see both of them--as long as everyone is open about it?

Or even if you decide to see the new guy on the sly--as long as your old boyfriend is still happy with the time he spends with you, why should he know what you do with the rest of your time?

As long as you're comfortable with yourself, and don't hurt anyone else, why shouldn't you do what you like?

Good luck with this--keep us posted!

Genesius

[danceguy]

Shamby,

Firstly - as you stated that you already in love with your current boyfriend...just how deep do your feelings go for this man? I know that myself as a newcomer to club style Salsa...I'm literally swooning over a new gal each week. Partly since I've haven't dated a lot and I've been single for quite a while, so it is so very easy to develop a crush on someone after one dance. :oops:

So my main question is - are you sure that you are in love your dance partner? Lust can wear the mask of love - that's for sure...and especially if you already have a SO...does he know about this other guy? You mentioned being wicked, and while this is not my personal cup of tea (I'll offer a neutral opinion as best I can)...perhaps you are subconsciouly enjoying the fact that you are getting attention from two men at once? I sincerely don't wish to offend you, but just offering advice as you have asked.

Again though..the fact that you went to his place (despite nothing happening) leaves much to the imagination of others. Do any of your friends or family know about this?

I do hope you make the best decision for both of you...godspeed and best of luck to you.

Sincerely,

ScorpionGuy

[Genesius Redux]

So my main question is - are you sure that you are in love your dance partner? Lust can wear the mask of love - that's for sure...and especially if you already have a SO...does he know about this other guy?

I dunno--I would say the real question is still how deep her feelings run for her boyfriend. I just don't think that the relationship is really exclusive if you're that open to attraction outside, after such a short time.

Just my 2 cents.

Genesius

[danceguy]

Best of luck Shamby...

SG

[Shamby]

I thought someone might say that. Honesty is the best way round, and all that. You're right, of course, dancin_feet.

I'm so confused. My boyfriend is a good man, and old fashioned and so sweet. The perfect guy to marry.

But my dance partner is exciting, and fun and nice and goog looking and new. I don't want to risk losing him as a partner. Besides, he is like me. He loves technology and computers. I even told him about dance forums the other day, and he told me he enjoys online dance websites as I do.

I will have to find out tonight. We've agreed to meet for coffee before dance class this evening. Perhaps we can talk then.

[Genesius Redux]

Well, good luck! And please keep us up-to-date!

[dancin_feet]

IF he is like you, would you really want to be dating yourself? Maybe you are seeing in him things that your current boyfriend doesn't have and thinking that you want that. I think I would rather date someone who compliments me and have as a friend someone who is like me.

Just my opinion, though.

[dancin_feet]

Also not too sure about GR's advice - someone always gets hurt in these situations, best to remain open and honest at all times.

[Pacion]

I dunno--I would say the real question is still how deep her feelings run for her boyfriend. I just don't think that the relationship is really exclusive if you're that open to attraction outside, after such a short time.


But Genesius! Don't you believe in love at first sight? I think it is possible to love two men at once. I used to "poo poo" the idea after hearing a song called "Torn between two lovers" which is precisely about a woman being in love with two men "and breaking all the rules".

The difficulty is, speaking as a woman, do you go with the comfortable? ie the existing boyfriend or look at the menu again and see if there is another dish, if you are still hungry :shock: oops there I go again with another reference to food :shock:

Shamby, look. I think you need to establish whether this guy is gay or not, before you do anything that could jeopadise the relationship with your boyfriend. I mean. Are you the type who can keep "a secret"? ie have an affair and not tell your SO about it?

[pygmalion]

Yes. Keep us posted. And good luck at your dance class tomorrow. 8)

[Pacion]

But my dance partner is exciting, and fun and nice and goog looking and new.

Didn't you think the same thing about your boyfriend when you first met?

[Shamby]

Shamby, look. I think you need to establish whether this guy is gay or not, before you do anything that could jeopadise the relationship with your boyfriend. I mean. Are you the type who can keep "a secret"? ie have an affair and not tell your SO about it?

I don't want a secret affair. It's not just lust. It feels like love. I do love my boyfriend. My Mum loves him too. Is that the kiss of death? I'm really not a bad girl. This is the first time I've ever felt this way, and I don't know what to do.

I'm not sure what I want. Maybe I should take your advice and find out whether he's gay or not before I decide what to do next. How do you know?

[Genesius Redux]

I dunno--I would say the real question is still how deep her feelings run for her boyfriend. I just don't think that the relationship is really exclusive if you're that open to attraction outside, after such a short time.


But Genesius! Don't you believe in love at first sight? I think it is possible to love two men at once. I used to "poo poo" the idea after hearing a song called "Torn between two lovers" which is precisely about a woman being in love with two men "and breaking all the rules".

The difficulty is, speaking as a woman, do you go with the comfortable? ie the existing boyfriend or look at the menu again and see if there is another dish, if you are still hungry :shock: oops there I go again with another reference to food :shock:

Shamby, look. I think you need to establish whether this guy is gay or not, before you do anything that could jeopadise the relationship with your boyfriend. I mean. Are you the type who can keep "a secret"? ie have an affair and not tell your SO about it?

Well, yes I do believe in love at first sight--and that's what I'm really saying here. That if you've been with someone for two years and you see someone else whom you've known for two weeks that you're this attracted to--then maybe you didn't really belong with the first guy and you're missing your chance at real happiness with the new guy.

In my experience, women always go with the new dish. I should know, because I've been the comfort food in the past! :wink: So I should be cheering on the boyfriend--but I believe in love and I believe in choice, and if you don't have a ring on your finger then anything goes!

[Shamby]

I mean, how can you tell if a fellow is gay? I've had gay friends before, and I really don't think my partner is. Is there something I should look for or ask?

And what should I wear for our coffee after work/before class tonight? I want to look casual but nice.

[danceguy]

I mean, how can you tell if a fellow is gay? I've had gay friends before, and I really don't think my partner is. Is there something I should look for or ask?

It sounds like from your recent posts that you are serious about this dance partner. You could simply ask him...that ought to tell you for sure! :shock: :?

SG

[dancin_feet]

In my experience, women always go with the new dish. I should know, because I've been the comfort food in the past! :wink:

It's not just women that go with the new dish. Men do it too. You may have been the comfort food, but I've been the pile of scraps thrown in the bin too many times to count. That's why I believe in total honesty. Be honest with both of them (the new guy first) and see what happens. In the process of talking to them you may get your answer.

[Genesius Redux]

I'm not sure what I want. Maybe I should take your advice and find out whether he's gay or not before I decide what to do next. How do you know?

Well, there's one sure-fire way to find out.

I don't mean to be punchy--I've had a long day at work. I honestly believe that you can be in love with both. And I don't think anyone should judge you for your feelings, especially if you have the integrity to be so honest about them.

You definitely need to find out what's up with your partner. Just try to be careful, okay? Just because you're decent and honorable doesn't mean that he will be also. Talk to the partner, maybe the next time he asks you out for coffee, find out what's up--and then see what you think about the old boyfriend.

Be careful, sweetie.

[Pacion]

Well, it can be a bit difficult to know whether a guy is gay or it is a case of you not being his type :oops: You sound lovely and please don't take this personally, but the thing to remember is that he might value you as a dance partner, but do you want to risk your dance partnership and your relationship with your boyfriend?

Genesius Redux suggested, jokingly about a "gay-dar". But this is easier said than done. Does anyone have any tips for this? I have a few gay friends but they are open about it, mentioning their boyfriends and so on. So I am not sure how exactly you can findout.

It is time for me to get to bed so, goodluck and my main advice would be to proceed carefully.

[Genesius Redux]

Genesius Redux suggested, jokingly about a "gay-dar". But this is easier said than done. Does anyone have any tips for this? I have a few gay friends but they are open about it, mentioning their boyfriends and so on. So I am not sure how exactly you can findout.

It is time for me to get to bed so, goodluck and my main advice would be to proceed carefully.

Sure I have a suggestion. Whatever happened to "Shut up and kiss me?" You kiss the guy, if he kisses you back he's definitely straight.

Goodnight, Pacion--we seem to be on different sides on the particulars, but I think we pretty much agree in substance.

So how come I never have problems like having two women attracted to me? :wink:

[pygmalion]

I've had two men attracted to me, before, GR, and it's not all that fun. My input, Shamby, is that, in your heart, you probably already know what you want to do. Just open yourself to your inner voice. She's already telling you what to do. Does that make sense?

[Pacion]

So how come I never have problems like having two women attracted to me? :wink:

Typical male! A woman asks for help and the guy wonders why it never happens to him. :shock:

Shamby, I am one of the biggest romantics around. But you have to remember that life is not like one of those Harlequin novels. You are an adult? You must remember that your actions will have reprocussions.

[Genesius Redux]

I'm sorry--I don't mean to make light of all this. Maybe it's hitting a little too close to home. So I'm going to shut up and let other people say give their advice. :oops:

Good luck, Shamby. Hope it all works out.

[Shamby]

Yes. You're right, of course. I'm off to the office, but I will keep all your good advice with me whilst I meet my partner for coffee this evening. Thank you all.

[pygmalion]

Good luck, Shamby. 8)

[NeoDevin]

To find out if he's gay or not, just invite him with you and some of your other gay friends to a gay bar or club. Him accepting doesn't mean he's gay (I've been to gay bars lots, and I'm quite certain I'm straight), but you'll be able to tell by his actions once you get there.

[Shamby]

I've had two men attracted to me, before, GR, and it's not all that fun. My input, Shamby, is that, in your heart, you probably already know what you want to do. Just open yourself to your inner voice. She's already telling you what to do. Does that make sense?


I wish she was telling me what to do! I don't think you really understand at all, Pyg. You mean well, I know.

[pygmalion]

No offense, Shamby. Good luck with your situation. 8)

[Sarah]

Hi Shamby

My two cents - Whatever you decide, don't do anything that you'll be ashamed of or feel you'll have to lie about (usually the same thing).
Consider doing things that you are scared of, but think about exactly what you're scared of and why first.

I hope for the best possible outcome for you and those you care for - whatever that may be. Good luck.

Cheers
Sarah

[TangoCharlie]

Hey there!

Figured it was about time I came out of lurk mode... especially since this situation is so deja vu! Just thought I'd share my story since it has a happy ending. :)

Short verion of the story: I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and going out with my dance partner. Everything actually worked out really well and my dance partner / new boyfriend have been living happily together for months now! I still see my ex and we're really good friends.

So good luck with whatever happens!

[Sagitta]

Hey there!

Figured it was about time I came out of lurk mode... especially since this situation is so deja vu! Just thought I'd share my story since it has a happy ending. :)

Short verion of the story: I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and going out with my dance partner. Everything actually worked out really well and my dance partner / new boyfriend have been living happily together for months now! I still see my ex and we're really good friends.

So good luck with whatever happens!


Welcome to df TangoCharlie. I'm glad that a topic finally pulled you out of lurk mode!! :D And that there is a happy ending to your tale. I have a feeling there will be a good one for Shamby too! (Fingers crossed...touch wood...)

My advice shamby is do what you think is right. As long as you know that you won't regret what you do and say then go ahead. Life is too short to have regrets.

[Shamby]

Thanks so much for your advice, guys. I appreciate it but realise that I'm just venting with folks I knew would understand. My non-dancing friends don't get what I'm talking about, the closeness, the physical nature of dancing, the sensuality...they're all things we experience daily as dancers, but most non-dancers don't experience these emotions regularly, with different people, at times.

I do love my boyfriend and he loves me and, frankly, what scorpionguy said made a lot of sense. It might just be the attention, I suspect it is. My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and we've been through a lot. I think I'm just getting bored (seven-year itch and all that), the attention from my dance partner isn't exactly unwanted, a real case of want my cake and to eat it too.

We're going away for the Easter break. I'm terrified, but I think we need to sit down and talk about it. I do like my dance partner and I'm horribly attracted to him, but I've got to admit that it's largely a physical thing.

A few years back a friend of mine succumbed to an affair and it ruined everything for her. The worst bit was that it not only ruined that relationship, but has an effect on current and future ones because she 1) doesn't trust men any longer (they're all cheaters, she says) and 2) doesn't trust herself. She's convinced she'll never marry becuase she likes a "buffet", as she puts it rather than a single meal of meat and three veg.

What she doesn't realise is that, yes, at times it becomes boring, painfully so, but there's a lot to be said for a SO who loves you, cares for you, respects you and honours you. It's old-fashioned, but sometimes those old fashioned ideals ring true.

Do I sound like an old lady?

[pygmalion]

Yup. You sound like a smart old lady. Hugs and kisses, sweetie. :D

[Sarah]

Do I sound like an old lady?

Sounding quite grown-up, yes.

Cheers
Sarah

[jon]

Sure I have a suggestion. Whatever happened to "Shut up and kiss me?" You kiss the guy, if he kisses you back he's definitely straight.

Or bi.

[Vin]

Hi Shamby, sorry for the late addition to your post. I can say with all honesty I have been there before(although the girl was definitely not gay, I did not have that complication). I ended up breaking up with my gf and pursuing the other girl. I did not handle that situation in the best possible way I know.
Now I am back with my gf, she is becoming quite a great dancer as well, however the friendship I had with my former dance partner went to heck after I got back together with my gf. I guess she gotten used to the attention. As well my gf and I had to work through the issues stemming from the break as well.
It did end for the best as my gf is a much better match for me, but given the intense attraction I felt for my dance partner,(something I felt was missing with my gf at the time). I am glad I at least made the effort otherwise I would have regretted it.
Anyways goog luck, I hope everything went well for you last night.