How Much to Let Out?

[waterbaby]

Hello all. I've been lurking for weeks now, and it seems like time to come out of the shadows :) I've been looking all through the forums, and I can't seem to find anything that really answers my question. This is a rather long post, so sorry for that. But here goes:

My husband started taking dance classes with me at the beginning of the year. As it turns out, we both fell in love with it, and we're out an average of five nights a week. I've never been happier in my entire life. I've always been very reserved, appropriate, and a little puritanical in my conduct around people who are unfamiliar to me, which makes it difficult to get to know people and let them get to know me, but that's starting to change (slowly!) which has been amazing. I have this instructor that I dance with at our studio socials who sets me on fire. I mean, I don't know him at all, and I don't think the word "crush" is appropriate. I don't even really like him (not that I dislike him; just am not particularly drawn into conversations with him or anything), but there is a STRONG physical reaction. The way he moves his body, and the way I move mine when I'm dancing with him, it's utterly intoxicating. The chemistry is unbelievable, though I fully understand that since he's been dancing forever, it's most likely a cultivated thing rather than something natural and real.

It should be known that my relationship with my husband is rock solid. We'd never leave each other. He's my best friend, has been ever since we were teenagers, and I daresay will always be. He knows exactly how attracted to this other guy I am, and he has one or two partners that make him feel the same thing (though, I think, to a lesser extent). Neither of us is jealous of the other person or our attractions, so long as we're the ones who go home together at the end of the night. The concern is, when I'm dancing with this instructor, I'm not sure how much of that sexual energy I should let out on the floor. I mean, I've seen him dance with other women, and there are a few that he gets really raunchy with (it's WCS, and he plays a lot of music that I couldn't listen to at work, plus the general understanding is that he's a bit of a hound). I feel like he's trying to lead me to loosen up with him, but I just find it difficult BECAUSE I'm so attracted to him. And when I do let a little of it out and just allow myself to feel sexy, I get good response. He seems to like it. I just don't want to make him uncomfortable and make him think I've got a thing for him, when in reality it's not like that. I'm extremely attracted to him, but only when there's hardwood underneath us.

Should I just loosen up and let it turn sexy, if I feel like that's what I'm being asked to do, or should I try to remain "appropriate," in hopes of making no one feel uncomfortable?

[and123]

If your husband doesn't mind the "playing" while you're dancing with this guy, and it doesn't tip you over the edge or feel wrong to do, then go for it. But keep it entirely on the dance floor or he may misinterpret it. Wouldn't be the first time a male instructor has gotten friendly with females off the dance floor....:rolleyes:

[Laura]

Dance floor crushes seem to be especially violent and virulent. Since you are rock solid sure as to what your relationships are about, I'd think you're in a decent position to enjoy the crush in the appropriate time and place.

[nucat78]

There are multiple threads on this, one from the male perspective running currently.

[quixotedlm]

The chemistry is unbelievable, though I fully understand that since he's been dancing forever, it's most likely a cultivated thing rather than something natural and real.


Why would you assume that it is not real on his part? Just because he is a teacher doesn't mean that he is faking the reactions you see in him to dancing and the people he dances with.



It should be known that my relationship with my husband is rock solid. We'd never leave each other. He's my best friend, has been ever since we were teenagers, and I daresay will always be. He knows exactly how attracted to this other guy I am, and he has one or two partners that make him feel the same thing (though, I think, to a lesser extent).


Curious - is your husband also a lurker on DF silently watching this thread?


Neither of us is jealous of the other person or our attractions, so long as we're the ones who go home together at the end of the night. The concern is, when I'm dancing with this instructor, I'm not sure how much of that sexual energy I should let out on the floor.


Umm... so what is the question again? You are stating that there is no problem... you are also telling us that your husband is your best friend, confidant, and that you each clearly understanding this ongoing situation well, and that there is no jealousy. So it would seem that you are free to express your sexual energy however you want, as long as your spouse is ok with the degree of your expression. I'm not sure why you are addressing the 'how much' question to anyone but your husband.


I mean, I've seen him dance with other women, and there are a few that he gets really raunchy with (it's WCS, and he plays a lot of music that I couldn't listen to at work, plus the general understanding is that he's a bit of a hound).


By your own admission, you are used to being puritanical. Are you sure that what you see as 'raunchy' is not just 'normal' among dancers who have known each other for some time and are used to dancing with each other?

General understanding among who? It almost seems like his being a passionate dancer and an instructor is earning him some character assasination.


I feel like he's trying to lead me to loosen up with him, but I just find it difficult BECAUSE I'm so attracted to him. And when I do let a little of it out and just allow myself to feel sexy, I get good response. He seems to like it. I just don't want to make him uncomfortable and make him think I've got a thing for him, when in reality it's not like that. I'm extremely attracted to him, but only when there's hardwood underneath us.


Again, I'm getting this sense that your confusion emnates from your desiring gurantees about life - that someone you interact with will not get a crush on you that you already reciprocate - effectively putting you in a situation where you will have have refuse an extremely irresitbale offer - and perhaps an offer that you might not be able to resist after all.

You can't control how other people feel, or act. If you are certain that your own actions and feelings are in your control, I see no cause for concern. The fact is that dance floor romances and crushes often do happen, and when they go sour either due to break ups or rejection, it is followed by a phase of awkwardness. Often during this phase, an individuals commitment to the newfound passion shines through (they endure the awkwardness to continue on), or they drop out. Either way, it is often a good lesson in understanding oneself.



Should I just loosen up and let it turn sexy, if I feel like that's what I'm being asked to do, or should I try to remain "appropriate," in hopes of making no one feel uncomfortable?

This sounded more like a question about your own comfort levels rather than that of your insstructors :) Good luck figuring it all out!

[Laura]

Are you sure that what you see as 'raunchy' is not just 'normal' among dancers who have known each other for some time and are used to dancing with each other?
That's a very good point and I could see how someone new to this experience could not quite know what all the levels of feeling and actions and signals etc. mean (if anything).

[waterbaby]

Why would you assume that it is not real on his part? Just because he is a teacher doesn't mean that he is faking the reactions you see in him to dancing and the people he dances with.

It's not that, it's just that I don't delude myself to think that it's got anything to do with me. Probably more to do with just loving to dance, or the music, or something, but I wouldn't assume it's got to do with me. Also, it's his job to dance with people. At my job, if I made my customers feel like I wasn't interested in them and enjoying waiting on them, I'd never earn any business! So, I do show them that I'm interested in them, but the fact is I can CHOOSE to be interested in them, which I guess is what I meant by "cultivated."

Curious - is your husband also a lurker on DF silently watching this thread?

Ha! No, I'm not covering any tracks or anything. I don't think he even knows about DF.


By your own admission, you are used to being puritanical. Are you sure that what you see as 'raunchy' is not just 'normal' among dancers who have known each other for some time and are used to dancing with each other?

Yep, I thought about that possibility. And that's what I'm trying to understand. Because to me, it feels extremely, extremely sexy. But then I don't have a lot of experience to go on, and I'm new to this place, and I'm used to friends who only hug one another on wedding days and funerals.

General understanding among who? It almost seems like his being a passionate dancer and an instructor is earning him some character assasination.

It's pretty much gossip, so it's not necessarily reliable, but I'm not talking about how he dances, what he does on the dance floor. I'm talking about off. But then, that's just rumors, so I don't form opinions, but if you hear it from enough places . . .


Again, I'm getting this sense that your confusion emnates from your desiring gurantees about life

This sounded more like a question about your own comfort levels rather than that of your insstructors

Right again. I'm just in totally new territory, so I'm trying to get a feel for what's going on. But in the meantime, I don't want to overstep and do something -- I don't even know what -- that might make him think that I'm a tramp who should be avoided at all costs. I'm not worried about an actual romance or anything like that, but I don't want to get pegged as the freak that no one wants to dance with because she gets all slutty and makes the men uncomfortable.

Dang, I can't seem to keep posts short!

Thanks for your opinions so far :)

[quixotedlm]

It is possible that some people have created jobs for themselves that they genuinely enjoy, without having to put on a show.

If you believe in the gossips - given how you think that if you hear about it from enough places, it is more credible - then his interest in you could indeed be personal and about 'you' (how else would it lead to off-floor interactions?).

Anyways, as long as the gossips don't indicate that he is a bad person, or that he is a stalker etc. - I haven't read anything that indicates that he is a problem. The worst that could happen is that he might try to stike up a relationship with you. If you haven't heard that he reacts badly to rejections, I don't see this as a concern at all.

There is no way to be entirely sure where perceptions will cross over to your being thought of as slutty etc. Since you care about it, the only safe way to go about it is one tiny step at a time. The fact that you are asking these questions seems to strongly indicate that freely expressing yourself on the dance floor with this instructor is something that you are not yet comfortable with. So don't do it until you do become comfortable with it, and have learned first hand through experience and observation what actions are within the realm of social acceptability, and what would result in consternation.

As a general observation from my own experiences, there is almost nothing you can do as part of dancing that will cause people to think badly of you as long as the action or movement is executed with grace and control. And even the simplest of movements that looks like a 'wannabe' action or 'trying too hard' type of action - something that is executed sans grace and that doesn't look clean - it is likely to draw negative attention, and perhaps then followed by judgment.

In short, if you are skilled, they will swoon over your actions and praise you. Otherwise - it is anybody's guess how the mob might react.

[Laura]

I don't want to get pegged as the freak that no one wants to dance with because she gets all slutty and makes the men uncomfortable.
In my brief experience getting all slutty on the dance floor seems to be more of an attractant than a repellent. The thing is to keep it straight that it's about the dance floor. (And also in figuring out if or when it's not entirely about the dance floor.)

[Laura]

there is almost nothing you can do as part of dancing that will cause people to think badly of you as long as the action or movement is executed with grace and control
I agree with this.

In short, if you are skilled, they will swoon over your actions and praise you.
Interesting, and again I agree.

[nucat78]

The fact is that dance floor romances and crushes often do happen, and when they go sour either due to break ups or rejection, it is followed by a phase of awkwardness. Often during this phase, an individuals commitment to the newfound passion shines through (they endure the awkwardness to continue on), or they drop out. Either way, it is often a good lesson in understanding oneself.

Extremely well said! Bravo! :applause: :cheers:
I have seen two people leave recently and it surely did look like rejection although I cannot be 100% certain and I'm not going to ask.

And I know at least one person who is fighting his way painfully passed being rejected.

(I trust when you say dropping out you also include changing studios, teachers, etc, not just bailing on dancing.)

Emotional, those dancers!

[jennyisdancing]

Because to me, it feels extremely, extremely sexy. But then I don't have a lot of experience to go on, and I'm new to this place, and I'm used to friends who only hug one another on wedding days and funerals.

....t I don't want to get pegged as the freak that no one wants to dance with because she gets all slutty and makes the men uncomfortable.

Dang, I can't seem to keep posts short!

Thanks for your opinions so far :)

Hi waterbaby, since you said it was WCS I can contribute specifics about that dance. I have heard many people describe it as sexy...which I totally disagree with, BTW. Flirtatious, possibly. But sexy in the sense of portraying intense passion and attraction like the Latin dances do? Heck no. The difference to me is that usually the 'sexiness' in WCS is a lighter and more playful sense. If you portray it with humor and fun, that will help make your intentions clear. To me, WCS is just not a dance where you give your partner smoldering looks anyway.

Sounds like your concern is mostly one of perception - whether onlookers will think your attraction for the guy goes off the dance floor. I think that shouldn't be an issue if you keep a light/humorous approach, and obviously act all business with him off the floor, plus the fact that people know he's an instructor. Good luck!:)

[Stillharbor]

Waterbaby,

I had some of the same feelings your experiencing. I had no experience with anything that required me to be anywhere near 'sexy'. My first teacher was very patient about drawing me out of my shell and getting me confident enough to dance on a floor (where no one is paying attention to me). I was very self conscious of other students taking lessons around me. (They might see me! *gasp!*) Anyways, I then had to move to a different teacher when the first left. This new teacher was more of a performer. He's out there, drama! We clicked and after a while he got to know me. I was nervous about all the sexual energy we produced and when to turn bring it out so you could see it through the dance. At heart I'm a performer, and we'd get going into songs and I know him well enough by now to know when he's flipped the switch too.

I'd say, unless he's specifically asked you to tone it down, let down your hair and go for it! When you can feed off each other like that it's great chemistry. You also find yourself daring to do things that you might not have earlier in your dance life.

[Laura]

Though perhaps, since Waterbaby is new to this and sensitive, she should avoid Bolero for a while....

[waterbaby]

Though perhaps, since Waterbaby is new to this and sensitive, she should avoid Bolero for a while....


Hehe. Trust me. Will do.