Reaching out through dance (warning: sad question)

[tangoking]

I have a friend who lost her husband and two daughters last year. I asked her how she's doing and she answered, "surviving," and nearly burst into tears in front of me. I get the feeling that she's going home and crying every night.

I was thinking about taking her out to a ballroom party, as friends, to try and cheer her up. I thought that maybe I could introduce her to the joy in life that we've all found in dance.

I'm just a little concerned about her being vulnerable. She clearly hasn't emotionally recovered from the loss (is it even possible to completely recover from a loss like that?) and I don't want to lead her into thinking that I'm here to "rescue" her. I'm a single guy near her age and she's a relatively young widow.

[etp777]

I might talk to male pros at party to make sure they dance with her, and any other males there you know well. Can make sure she dances with lots of people then, and hence keep you from feeling obligated to dance with her al the time (and possibly giving her wrong idea). Definitely think it's great idea to help her though, and ballroom is definitely helpful, least for me. Kudos on trying to help someone else in a bad situation. :)

Sure others will have some better suggestions though.

[fascination]

she is of course vulnerable and you don't want to be her only source of consolation, but to encourage her to have something to transition to will increase the likelihood that she will recover more quickly...as to cheering her up...don't even try...just be there for her to an appropriate degree and encourage her socialization with others...that is my professional opinion btw...

[etp777]

Told ya others would have better answers (and more importantly, are more qualified to answer :) )

[tangoking]

she is of course vulnerable and you don't want to be her only source of consolation, but to encourage her to have something to transition to will increase the likelihood that she will recover more quickly...as to cheering her up...don't even try...just be there for her to an appropriate degree and encourage her socialization with others...that is my professional opinion btw...
So do you recommend asking her to the party?

[WorksForShoes]

Thank heavens, I have no way to estimate what her pain must feel like. However, reflecting on times I have had loss, and thinking of ways you can make sure she doesn't feel like you are using this as a romantic gesture, you might find a time to quietly tell her that dance has brought a great deal of joy and comfort into your life, and that if there is any way to give her a small piece of that, you would like to do so as her friend.

[elisedance]

Definitely ask. If you do so with sensitivity (chance to get out, meet some new people, even think about new aveneus etc etc), as I am sure you will (judging from your lovely opening post).

Sometimes we need others to help us out of the ditch and if that help is not wanted she will tell you - but you will both feel better for having tried to help and from having someone try to do the same, respectively.

I say, go for it.

[fascination]

So do you recommend asking her to the party?
yes...and reassure her that if she goes and gets upset that will be okay...and be very careful about being honest with your own intentions...to yourself an her...in measured doses as neccessary....but don't overthink it...sometimes grieving people scare us b/c we don't know how to treat hem... they pick up on the discomfort so just own it and be honest... make sure she can count on you but doesn't become solely dependent upon you...good luck and p.m. anytime

[dancepro]

I have a friend who lost her husband and two daughters last year. I asked her how she's doing and she answered, "surviving," and nearly burst into tears in front of me. I get the feeling that she's going home and crying every night.

I was thinking about taking her out to a ballroom party, as friends, to try and cheer her up. I thought that maybe I could introduce her to the joy in life that we've all found in dance.

I'm just a little concerned about her being vulnerable. She clearly hasn't emotionally recovered from the loss (is it even possible to completely recover from a loss like that?) and I don't want to lead her into thinking that I'm here to "rescue" her. I'm a single guy near her age and she's a relatively young widow.

I lost my father, brother, my long time mentor and my business partner all with in three years, within 1 year 1-3 days of each other (2 weeks before Christmas). I was going through a severe depression for about a year. A friend introduced me to one man that helped me and I will be happy to point you in that same direction is you want the information. He had me read a couple of books that totally changed my life around. He is now a mentor of mine and a wonderful teacher. He had me look at dancing as my way of getting back to living.

Let me know if you want the information.

Dancepro

[QPO]

I agree with most of the recommendations, grief can last up to 2 years before acceptance sets in. Of course that is an average and some people will take years longer, with such a huge loss, they certainly deserve to have some happiness and something to look forward to. As long as there is no pressure, be sensitive to her needs it may be the light she is looking for :-)

[kayak]

You might try inviting her to a class before throwing her in the mix of trying to learn dance at a dance? When a person doesn't know how to dance, there is a lot of fear and tension created in not knowing how.

[Standarddancer]

I agree with dance lesson better than throwing her to a party with many strangers; Assuming she never danced before and could be very nervous and uncomfortable dancing with many strangers at a party; lessons at least give her an opportunities to learn and get familiar with other people in her lesson so she can start socializing with others in an informal way.

[wooh]

I like the idea of a class as well. Smaller crowd is less intimidating. And you're expected to NOT know what you're doing. I know a few people that almost never go out dancing, but they faithfully go to their group class every week as their little "thing that they do."

[Tenehill]

I was thinking about taking her out to a ballroom party, as friends, to try and cheer her up. I thought that maybe I could introduce her to the joy in life that we've all found in dance.


Good idea! And the chance to succeed is not small. We know that ballroom dancers come from very different backgrounds, situations, and with different talents (as of at birth).

The clue is her wish. I am surprised by how many ladies express wish to learn the dances. She might be one of them.

Why there are so few ladies dancing then? I don't know the correct answer, but I suspect that there are two reasons: quickly the ladies discover that there is a need for substantial learning effort, and that dancing takes too much time. So let her know that in advance.

But don't take her to a party unprepared. It is like taking a teenager to an opera for the first time - boring, and that's all.

First find out whether she ever had a wish to learn. If yes, then success rate should be 50%. If no, it is much different.

Then let her learn some steps of the dances she might like. Teach her yourself or arrange for a friend (but not a professional teacher - the issue of payment may emerge) to teach, better at home. A group class is likely to be difficult, incomplete and too short. However, group classes are good introduction to the activities at dance parties, so it will be very good for her to take at least one.

In my opinion, a beginner is ready to be "let out" when he/she knows basic holds, maintains frame, knows about leading/following, can count, knows four amalgamated figures in one standard, one latin dance, and in east coast swing, has been educated in graces of social dancing, has the right shoes (clothes are not important as long as they are not wrong). All these don't come naturally to anybody, so don't hope she will catch and enjoy right at the first party - better educate.

Also tell her that ballroom dancing doesn't prohibit suffering and crying (before or after), that many known and less known dancers have or had tragedies (give names that she might know or will learn), and that there are many sad argentine tangos, tangos and waltzes (Godfather's Waltz is a hopelessly tragical and very good piece) designed exactly to express feelings of loss and loneliness and get relief.

Of course at the party arrange that she gets special attention. Should she be surprised, tell her that all newcomers are treated specially. If she is surprised at the second visit, tell her that newcomers get special attention until they learn to be useful partners, and that after six months she is expected to be in the helper's role. Let the DJ play some of songs she likes.

If she is not physically active, then it is important that at the parties she gets high load.

[DL]

Whether it's dancing or something else, establishing personal relationships -- even simple casual friendships -- is probably a key consideration. It's good to be part of a community where people come to greet you as a regular and miss you when you're absent. The class idea sounds like a good thing to try -- with a casual aim of learning about dancing, and a more central aim of getting out and interacting with people. Showing up 15 minutes early for class might be a good idea, just to give her a chance to chat with folks besides yourself, watch other people going about life, etc.

[Angel HI]

Fasc's posts are paramount. In short; invite her, not making you a saviour, but a medium; do not try to heal her...neither your job nor expertise. This is where many of us faulter...in life and on the dance floor...trying to fix everyone. Hmmm.

[elisedance]

yes - easily understood if you think of being fixed yourself. Oh, not that, what I mean to say is mended, er healed. Yes healed....

[etp777]

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/8/7/fixedbuti128626464523387539.jpg

[elisedance]

:lol:
.......

[fascination]

a common exchange with a bereaved person is that a helpful person will start a sentence with "well at least...."....insert thoughtful attempt to console bereaved person here...but what that really does is unintentionally obligate the griever to cheer up so that the helper can feel helpful......

[elisedance]

Any conversation about loss has two perspectives - the one who had the loss obviously has the harder emotional issue to deal with but the one who is listening had the much harder communication one. As an expert in this F you would know far better than I but my impression is that many if not most people are secretly terrified of dealing with such conversations for fear of not seeming sufficiently concerned or for saying the wrong thing. An innocent comment such as you give above can end up being hurtful to the griever while failing the 'sympathiser'.

We never really learn how to deal with grief in either ourselves or in others - since its such an inevitable part of life it perhaps it should be a part of a school curriculum just as we (generally) learn about discrimination, sex or 'diversity'.

[fascination]

correct...but there are some pat things to avoid saying and some good rules of thumb for both what to say and how to say it...as you note, unfortunately grief is right next to finacial responsibility on the list of things that will never be taught well in school....a very good thing to say when someone has died is

"I can see how much you loved your loved one (if you know that they did) "

or "I didn't know your loved one very well, would you tell me about them?" ...because it is usually the story, good or bad, that neds to be told ...rather than pithy little euphemisms that need to be handed out..

or "listen, I have no idea what you are going through right now, and I don't want to say anything stupid, so if I do feel free to tell me...but I do want to be available to listen if you want to talk or available to just do other stuff when you don't want to talk so is it okay if I call from time to time and check? and I hope you would feel free to call me..."

obviously the same shoe doesn't fit every foot but these are a bit safer that some of the other "well at least ..." statments...along with "I know just how you feel" and the like...

a good rule when dealing with a grieving person is to remember that there is a reason that you have two ears and only one mouth....

[elisedance]

"I can see how much you loved your loved one (if you know that they did) "
or "I didn't know your loved one very well, would you tell me about them?" ...because it is usually the story, good or bad, that neds to be told ...rather than pithy little euphemisms that need to be handed out..

or "listen, I have no idea what you are going through right now, and I don't want to say anything stupid, so if I do feel free to tell me...but I do want to be available to listen if you want to talk or available to just do other stuff when you don't want to talk so is it okay if I call from time to time and check? and I hope you would feel free to call me..."


obviously the same shoe doesn't fit every foot but these are a bit safer that some of the other "well at least ..." statments...along with "I know just how you feel" and the like...

a good rule when dealing with a grieving person is to remember that there is a reason that you have two ears and only one mouth....
(my bold, ital)

Ask and you shall receive - never too late for that lesson... :)

[Angel HI]

Good post, Fasci. http://www.dance-forums.com/showpost.php?p=642695&postcount=22

[fascination]

thanks...