Partner.... or Partner?

[Dreamer]

I have a dilemma in that my SO decided to continue to advance in ballroom rather than work with me and 'bring me on' as promised. We started at a dance school where I was told I have great promise. I go to beginners class once a week while he continues with her until I'm "good enough" to dance with him! He says the aim is for us to eventually dance together - will this compromise both of us in our efforts to improve? Anyone have any ideas about this?[/quote]

[Pass It On]

If he comes with you to your private lessons, wouldn't you be working on routines together? It seems to me that your goal is to dance with your boyfriend more often. Wouldn't this be one step in the right direction? Also, could you ask him to practice with you for one hour after each lesson so you can learn faster? He does want you to learn quickly, right? He should practice with you.

[Dreamer]

That's a reasonable and logical answer! I'll try the 1 hr practice after lesson on him. All I want most in the world is to dance and to dance with him would be perfect. He doesn't want me to have a partner of my own but won't commit the time and effort needed to help me progress as he is keen to advance his own dancing (fair enough). He goes to all the available social events with his other partner (7-8 times a month) and has 4hrs of class/practice per week. He won't take me to socials because he feels handicapped by my lack of skill and says it'd be no fun. My SO reiterates we will be really great together; when I am ready. I suppose the nub of the problem is that he wants it all - to dance with me, to dance with other partner, improve his own dancing and win comps .....

[Pass It On]

It seems unreasonable for him to refuse to take you to socials. Maybe it's time you find out where he really stands with you. If he is going to be practicing with someone else, it seems prudent for you to do the same so that you can learn as fast as he is learning.

[Dreamer]

You're right of course. I suppose I've been headed to that conclusion for a couple of months now. Every time I make a move toward independent learning though, he tries to turn me around. He can't have it all - but he thinks he can :wink: I think I just need to take care of my own ambitions, but try to be open to him if he makes genuine overtures toward helping me. By the way, do you, or anyone reading this, know of a really good dance technique video/dvd/book? not routines as such, more to do with practising good posture, how to move properly etc? l'd appreciate any advice.

[Black Sheep]

Dreamer,
My heart goes out to you. My suggestion in order to expedite your
dancing progress and embellish it with style and techniques is to take some
ballet and Jazz classes. You will learn more about dancing with this
training and surpass dancers who only sturdy Ballroom. That is the way I
managed to beat my original Ballroom teachers in the Valentino Contest in
1951. And also dance at home while waiting for the coffee to perk or while
watching TV. And do it everyday for an hour. In three months that boyfriend
will be changing his tune.
Black Sheep

[Dreamer]

Thanks so much for your support and advice; it's good to know that what I'm calling a dilemma isn't a figment of a jealous or petulant imagination! I'm just soooooo inspired by your story. I've already started practising any spare moment I can.

[SDsalsaguy]

Hi Dreamer,

Let me start by saying welcome to the forums! I just got back to the U.S. the other night so hadn't had a chance to offer my 2 cents yet but wanted to respond to your situation.

First off, as a hypothetical issue – at least prior to advanced levels of competition – it can be possible to dance with multiple partners quite successfully. I have especially seen this done in the collegiate circuit and, a couple of years ago, did the same thing myself, quite successfully for the level we were at (coming in 1st to 4th with each partner in ever event/style we each danced).

In your particular situation, however, this doesn't honestly seem like any such hypothetical situation. I think you are right when you say that your boyfriend wants to have it both ways. If he honestly wants to dance with you then he should invest his time accordingly – especially if he honestly believes in your promise. If, however, he honestly feels that dancing with his current partner is in his best interest then he should (a) be truthful with you about the matter and (b) support you in pursuing your own dance aspirations as well. I hate to say this, but anything else is not reflective of a healthy relationship.

Do let me say, however, that as much of an ideal as it may seem, dancing with your significant other is not, necessarily, the “dream” situation that many make it out to be. While it can work out for some, it also introduces many stressors to both the partnership and the relationship. Any number of amateur and professional couples have ended, as they were unable to bear up under such pressures.

It sounds to me like you really love dancing and would not be being true to yourself if you didn’t pursue it to *your* utmost. While there are real issues of conflict and jealousy that can arise and need to be worked through, your ambitions and aspirations should be supported whether you end up dancing with your boyfriend or with a different partner.

Think about what you love and realize that those who love you will, ultimately, want the same for you as well…

– Jonathan

[Dreamer]

Such wisdom! and thanks from the bottom of my heart. I will take your advice and ask him to honestly tell me whether he feels he will be compromising his own development by dancing with me. I could take that because I don’t want to stand in his way at all. At long last, he told me yesterday evening he’d found a place where we could practise! However, today he says he had discussed it with the other, and she'll be coming too to ‘show me what I am aspiring to’…… groan!! Dance, dance, dance……

[DanceMentor]

Hey Dreamer,

I hope you'll let us know what you ended up doing. Did you get another partner? Did your boyfriend join you for the lessons?

[Dreamer]

Hi DanceMentor - well, my SO has said he will dance with me; he said he was watching me practice the other night and to quote him, 'you are definitely someone with whom I want to dance' but cannot call himself my partner - he is still committed to the other partnership and says it would be a huge step backward to invest his time in me completely. He says I should be grateful (sound of teeth grinding!) That's ok for now I guess. To comment on what Salsaguy was saying, perhaps the best partnerships aren't necessarily the ones forged within girlfriend/boyfriend relationships..... who knows?

[dancingfool]

I would dump that 'boyfriend'...he sounds a little selfish to me...imagine your future with this guy!! YIKES!!

There are lots of partners out there and from what you have been saying...it wouldn't take you long to find one!

GOOD LUCK!!

[Vince A]

Dreamer,
I agree with some who said "dump him."

Me thinks the man is doing the "split-sheet boogie" with more than one dance partner!

Just my two-cents . . .

[Dreamer]

Salsaguy had asked for an update so here goes.... the latest is that my SO is slowly coming round but still maintaining his relationship with his dance partner. For the past 5 weeks, he has come to lessons with me, and some social dancing. Everyone says what a fabulous partner I will be for him - he often responds to others advice and generally believes something if enough people tell him. Off the subject of dance, I still have reservations about him on a personal level, as this selfish trait isn't very endearing .... know what I mean?

[Vince A]

Dreamer,
We all like to be there for others, and especially for our members.

I don't know if it will help you, but let me relate what my wife and I do . . .

We both compete - often - and both of us do anywhere from 7 to 10 dances. We are both Intermediate level, and I do some teach (mostly privates). She assits me at times.

We do not compete with each other for a specific reason. Now this is not true of every case, but we have seen that most couples that date each other or are married to each other, and dance together . . . fight a lot! On the dance floor, at practices, at social dances. And many have ended up in divorce. No statistics on this, just an observance of ours and others.

We compete with our own Pros, yet on occassion, we have competed in "Just Dance" competitions, and have won and come away with big $$$.

However, at a social dance, we dance and dance and dance together, yet we also dance with almost everyone else there . . .

In closing . . . I think, in your case, that you should come first. I would advise you to keep taking the lessons and pass him up . . . don't make him jealous to get him, just do your thing for now. You cannot force something on an other person . . . continue to keep us posted???

[Taita]

Become more skilled by finding your own partner... :wink:

[SDsalsaguy]

Dreamer...I'd already posted my response to you in the Dark Side of Dancing (http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?t=570&start=15) thread before I saw your update here... everything I said there, however, still applies! A partner, be it dance or personal, should be exactly that...a partner, not an adversary!

[Dreamer]

Thanks for the support! I don't feel jealous - I think if we had agreed from the outset that he would continue with his partner and I would go my own way, I wouldn't feel so frustrated. In trying to please him, I've let him manipulate the situation so I can only dance with a partner when he is available - putting him in control. By the way, update on the partner thing - my teacher called last night and he heard there is a guy who just moved into my neighbourhood who is looking for a partner.

[DanceMentor]

Congratulations, dreamer!
I'm glad you found another potential partner. Don't give up!
Sometimes you have to try several partners before you find the one that is perfect fore you (and this is true in dating, too!)

And don't forget to have fun! :D