Bob
05-08-2004, 08:46 PM
I wrote this for another forum, but maybe you will enjoy it here too:
__________________________________________________ _
Normally I wouldn’t answer the door during the hockey game, but something about this knock sounded determined, urgent even. It was the hockey game though, so I waited until the end of the first period.
When I opened the door, I was surprised to see a well dressed man in a suit and tie. Few people in my world bother to wear a suit and tie and nobody carries a briefcase. I had never seen this man in my life.
“Mr. Bob?”
“Yes…” I eyed him suspiciously. Something smelled funny here.
“I am Mr. Chaser, attorney at law.”
So that explained the smell.
“What do you want?” I allowed my voice to carry a bit of a threat. After all, the game was on.
“I have been retained by the Foundation for Ethical Treatment of Appliances”
“FETA?” I asked, thinking of the cheese that had been in my fridge for months. Had that two timing low down refrigerator filed a suit against me?
“It seems that there is an appliance in this household that is being treated with a distinct lack of decency and compassion.”
Just how old is that jug of milk? No more than three months, I was sure of that.
“Look”, I demanded “if you have something to say, you had better say it, because I am going to be back watching the game in exactly one minute.”
“The game is on? It is only two o’clock!” he said in a startled voice.
“Yesterday was daylight savings time. You didn’t spring forward?”
“Ohh dear, oh dear! This will not do at all. Listen, I need to wrap this up. Here. This is an injunction filed by the court on behalf of your washing machine.”
“The WASHING MACHINE?” What had I ever done to the washing machine?!
“Did you, on the night of 01 April, 2003 put an entire load of hockey jerseys, socks, sweatpants, and underclothes into the laundry and proceed to lock the lid ?”
“umm yeah.” Utt ohhh. I was beginning to think that maybe they had a case.
“And was the odor of said hockey equipment so foul that the washing machine lurched outside to wretch in the lawn?”
“Well, I don’t know if it wretched exactly; a few dry heaves maybe, but really nothing more!” it was a feeble excuse, even to my ears.
“Be that as it may, you will still be required to appear in court. You can explain it to the judge.”
“Wait! Don’t be unreasonable! Can’t we settle this thing out of court?”
“Well, my client did indicate that it may be willing to settle, but only if you agree to a binding code of conduct.”
Nothing good could follow a statement like that.
“Allow me to read to you the contract. First and foremost, you will never EVER wash more than three pieces of hockey gear at any one time. When you do wash hockey gear, you will follow that load with a load of delicates on a gentle wash cycle. To kill the taste, as it were.”
“There is a gentle wash cycle? Are blue jeans considered delicate?”
“Second. You will never again overload the capacity of the machine. You will follow the recommended procedure for spot removal in advance of the wash.”
“Hey man, the Dog is innocent! Leave him out of this.”
“Third. All colors will be separated from the whites, and upon completion of the final spin cycle all laundry will be promptly removed from the washing machine and transferred to the dryer.”
“It that diverse enough for today’s world?”
“Listen Mr. Bob. These are very serious charges. You don’t want me to put the machine on the stand. Just think what the jury will think when they hear that the washing machine would give its left agitator to have its lid welded shut.”
He had a point.
“Ok, ok. I will agree to the first and third conditions, but Spot stays!”
“Woof!” agreed Spot.
“My client can accept that. Sign here please. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some other pressing business.”
I was tempted to let him watch the game, but I didn’t want to risk opening the fridge for a beer with him in the house. I slammed the door hard.
__________________________________________________ _
Normally I wouldn’t answer the door during the hockey game, but something about this knock sounded determined, urgent even. It was the hockey game though, so I waited until the end of the first period.
When I opened the door, I was surprised to see a well dressed man in a suit and tie. Few people in my world bother to wear a suit and tie and nobody carries a briefcase. I had never seen this man in my life.
“Mr. Bob?”
“Yes…” I eyed him suspiciously. Something smelled funny here.
“I am Mr. Chaser, attorney at law.”
So that explained the smell.
“What do you want?” I allowed my voice to carry a bit of a threat. After all, the game was on.
“I have been retained by the Foundation for Ethical Treatment of Appliances”
“FETA?” I asked, thinking of the cheese that had been in my fridge for months. Had that two timing low down refrigerator filed a suit against me?
“It seems that there is an appliance in this household that is being treated with a distinct lack of decency and compassion.”
Just how old is that jug of milk? No more than three months, I was sure of that.
“Look”, I demanded “if you have something to say, you had better say it, because I am going to be back watching the game in exactly one minute.”
“The game is on? It is only two o’clock!” he said in a startled voice.
“Yesterday was daylight savings time. You didn’t spring forward?”
“Ohh dear, oh dear! This will not do at all. Listen, I need to wrap this up. Here. This is an injunction filed by the court on behalf of your washing machine.”
“The WASHING MACHINE?” What had I ever done to the washing machine?!
“Did you, on the night of 01 April, 2003 put an entire load of hockey jerseys, socks, sweatpants, and underclothes into the laundry and proceed to lock the lid ?”
“umm yeah.” Utt ohhh. I was beginning to think that maybe they had a case.
“And was the odor of said hockey equipment so foul that the washing machine lurched outside to wretch in the lawn?”
“Well, I don’t know if it wretched exactly; a few dry heaves maybe, but really nothing more!” it was a feeble excuse, even to my ears.
“Be that as it may, you will still be required to appear in court. You can explain it to the judge.”
“Wait! Don’t be unreasonable! Can’t we settle this thing out of court?”
“Well, my client did indicate that it may be willing to settle, but only if you agree to a binding code of conduct.”
Nothing good could follow a statement like that.
“Allow me to read to you the contract. First and foremost, you will never EVER wash more than three pieces of hockey gear at any one time. When you do wash hockey gear, you will follow that load with a load of delicates on a gentle wash cycle. To kill the taste, as it were.”
“There is a gentle wash cycle? Are blue jeans considered delicate?”
“Second. You will never again overload the capacity of the machine. You will follow the recommended procedure for spot removal in advance of the wash.”
“Hey man, the Dog is innocent! Leave him out of this.”
“Third. All colors will be separated from the whites, and upon completion of the final spin cycle all laundry will be promptly removed from the washing machine and transferred to the dryer.”
“It that diverse enough for today’s world?”
“Listen Mr. Bob. These are very serious charges. You don’t want me to put the machine on the stand. Just think what the jury will think when they hear that the washing machine would give its left agitator to have its lid welded shut.”
He had a point.
“Ok, ok. I will agree to the first and third conditions, but Spot stays!”
“Woof!” agreed Spot.
“My client can accept that. Sign here please. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some other pressing business.”
I was tempted to let him watch the game, but I didn’t want to risk opening the fridge for a beer with him in the house. I slammed the door hard.