Mixed Messages from DH

[dancingirldancing]

I am really confused.

We have been dancing together for a bit but DH has no desire to compete or even to social dance.

We discussed a few times the possibility of me finding a competition partner and he seems ok with it and even encouraging.

I told him today that there may be a person that I want to try out with.

I also told him that I danced a few times with him in a group class and he seemed ok and polite.

Then, he turned quiet and looked upset. I really felt unsettling as this partnership thing is his idea anyway !

Then he told me that he does not mind but he would expect that I jut mention to him that I dance with this person in the group class. He told me that he thought that I am only dancing with the teacher in the class.

What the ?

I can't possibly mention every single person I happen to rotate with in group class.

He told me that he does not know what a group class meant as he never been to one.

Then he told me that he feels like I am leaving him out by not telling him these things.

I have been trying to get him to our class and social and he never wants to go.

I mean, I am tired after these classes and I don't appreciate having to give accounts everytime on who I dance with and what sort of dances do I do.

He then told me that if I want to compete I should get a good partner and not just anyone and he turned really supportive again.

Is he actually jealous but tried to hides it ?

Then later on he called to tell me that he wasn't upset and he really supports me.

I don't want him to eat his feelings up but I really can't understand his reaction.

[samina]

it's easy for people to not understand the culture of partner dancing while they remain outside it, dancingirl.

i'm sure his mixed messages are due to authentically mixed feelings and mixed understandings of the situation... he probly just doesn't know what to make of it.

perhaps it would be helpful to honor that for him...speak to it rather than avoid it, just acknowledge that it's probly hard for him to understand what to make of it, and it might be confusing to him, the idea of his wife dancing with another man. only you can know what is the right decision for you and your relationship, but if it were my own, i'd say that i would like him to come and see a lesson, if not participate in one, just so that he could understand my world ("please do this for me, not because you want to dance yourself..."). i would explain that jealousy and the limiting of my enjoyments & freedoms WRT dancing are not acceptable options... and that there is no reason anyway for such jealousy or to feel left out, since you are inviting him in and he just doesn't want to enter your dancing circle.

but...that's just me. when you're already married, you have a whole history of interaction that may need to be brought into consideration.

[Warren J. Dew]

I think that primarily the problem was, as he eventually realized, that he didn't know what a group class is like. If he's never been to one, he might not know about partner rotations and such. Perhaps he had been assuming that people dance by themselves in group classes, so it came as a shock when that turned out not to be the case.

It sounds to me like after he absorbed your explanations of what a group class was like, he realized it wasn't a big deal and went back to being supportive. It just takes some time for those of us with only one X chromosome to understand that kind of thing.

[Peaches]

Nothing to add, but I'd second sam's suggestion pretty much word for word.

[ireniecat]

I think he's just trying to balance being supportive of you with feeling insecure. It's the same with my boyfriend (we've been together 5 years, living together for 4 of them). I was dancing before we started dating, and he doesn't dance at all.

So I just try to be considerate of his feelings and let him know what's going on. He's always freaked out when I have a tryout or start working with someone new. But then once the partnership gets going and a new practice schedule is established, things are good again. It's really about communication and respect. I have to keep reminding myself that he doesn't know how a partnership relationship works, and try to be sensitive to that. For instance, when there's a comp out of town and my partner and I are going to be sharing a room, I make sure he knows about it well in advance and I reassure him that we have separate beds.

The big thing with him isn't so much that he's jealous of my partner... but rather that I am sharing something that's a passion of mine with another person, and not him. And the insecurities kind of stem from there. But as long as I make enough time in my schedule to spend with him, to show that I still love him and value our relationship, he's OK.

I think the same thing is going on in your case. But just your hubby isn't quite used to the drill yet :)

[ireniecat]

Oh, and I make sure that he meets my partner at some point. It really helps :)

[reb]

Nothing to add, but I'd second sam's suggestion pretty much word for word.

What Peaches said.

This may be the most complex of questions. Just think - a dime for every post on this topic and we could sponsor our own DF comp!

Speaking as an authority on the topic (100% male) - I know I don't know the answer, but I think time and familiarity can be helpful - and did I mention time? We're not as quick on the uptake as you, ya' know . . .

Of course, that may be the real rub because we may be measuring time in decades, rather than "can you get back to me on this by the end of the week" because you actually would like to dance while you're young . . . ;)

[fascination]

I think we also have to own our own discomfort and insecurity and not project it onto our spouses as well...his lack of understanding may be far more innocent than our concern over what he is feeling...just keep loving him....

[reb]

cool - I like it when a counselor is in the house!

[ireniecat]

Speaking as an authority on the topic (100% male) - I know I don't know the answer, but I think time and familiarity can be helpful - and did I mention time? We're not as quick on the uptake as you, ya' know . . .

Of course, that may be the real rub because we may be measuring time in decades, rather than "can you get back to me on this by the end of the week" because you actually would like to dance while you're young . . . ;)

Yes, it will definitely take some time for him to get used to the idea, and then more time when you do find a partner, and more time when you start competing with that partner... each of those milestones will need discussions and reassurances. And there may be some arguments and tears involved, too. But the more he sees that at the end of the day, you're still his wife and coming home to him, the easier it will get :D

[fascination]

Also person who needed to remember to love husband ;)

[dancingirldancing]

Like I said he never tried to restrict me or he never 'admit' of being jealous but I think he is a little bit. Jealous of the unknown.

I agreed about familiarity because he kept on saying oh, I wish you will partner up with X since he is a nice guy.

X have been dancing @ the same place where he has been taking private lessons at (he does take lessons just not group classes) and they are good buddy.

Well, unfortunately X already have a partner.

So it is not that he is jealous of another man dancing with me, I think he is just wary that the 'new' partner that he does not know may be hitting on me or something.

He told me that sometimes men does not 'get it' and sometimes a girl being married is still a 'fair game'.

I told him that I only want to partner up with someone who treat this relationship as a business.

I think he is a bit worried because he does not know the man I am trying out with.

If all works out I may invite this person for a coffee or dinner.

Preferably with a girlfriend in tow.

[ireniecat]

I think we also have to own our own discomfort and insecurity and not project it onto our spouses as well...his lack of understanding may be far more innocent than our concern over what he is feeling...just keep loving him....

Excellent point!! :D

[fascination]

thing is...dudes are usually way more simple than what we thought was going on in their heads...and even if we are right, half of the time it hasn't hit their level of consciousness...that is what is so wonderful about men ;)

[etp777]

I know I'm sure simple. :)

[fascination]

and, don't get me wrong, I don't mean simple as in stupid, I mean simple as in, not over-thought

[ireniecat]

thing is...dudes are usually way more simple than what we thought was going on in their heads...and even if we are right, half of the time it hasn't hit their level of consciousness...that is what is so wonderful about men ;)

It's so true!! :D

I personally tend to overanalyze everything... but then my boyfriend keeps having to remind me that he doesn't think like me, and that "men are simple creatures." I keep forgetting and end up making things more complicated :doh:

[fascination]

my husband needs (not neccessarily in this order, but maybe); a cheerful non-nagging wife, good food that I made or procured, alone time to read or watch TV, sleep, and sex...if that is all happening, he really doesn't give a fig what else I am doing...we have been together for almost 30 years (ahem, I was 14 when we met)....just a place to start...after that, talk less nuzzle more

[samina]

my husband needs (not neccessarily in this order, but maybe); a cheerful non-nagging wife, good food that I made or procured, alone time to read or watch TV, sleep, and sex...if that is all happening, he really doesn't give a fig what else I am doing...we have been together for almost 30 years (ahem, I was 14 when we met)....just a place to start...after that, talk less nuzzle more

lol...this really does sum up most men i'ver ever been involved with, lol.

[DL]

thing is...dudes are usually way more simple than what we thought was going on in their heads...and even if we are right, half of the time it hasn't hit their level of consciousness...that is what is so wonderful about men ;)


http://stuffucanuse.com/all_jokes/jokes%20mw.htm

[Chiron]

thing is...dudes are usually way more simple than what we thought was going on in their heads...and even if we are right, half of the time it hasn't hit their level of consciousness...that is what is so wonderful about men ;)

:notworth: If only more women had this understanding of men, it would make our lives so much simpler.

[j_alexandra]

my husband needs (not neccessarily in this order, but maybe); a cheerful non-nagging wife, good food that I made or procured, alone time to read or watch TV, sleep, and sex...if that is all happening, he really doesn't give a fig what else I am doing...we have been together for almost 30 years (ahem, I was 14 when we met)....just a place to start...after that, talk less nuzzle more

:applause:

[fascination]

unfortunately he usually only gets the last three...he gets credit for tolerating my insufficiencies

[fascination]

:notworth: If only more women had this understanding of men, it would make our lives so much simpler.
course...then there is what women need...and that is more complex

[etp777]

my husband needs (not neccessarily in this order, but maybe); a cheerful non-nagging wife, good food that I made or procured, alone time to read or watch TV, sleep, and sex...if that is all happening, he really doesn't give a fig what else I am doing...we have been together for almost 30 years (ahem, I was 14 when we met)....just a place to start...after that, talk less nuzzle more

All I'd add to that list is occasional listening ear after a long day at work, but yeah, that'd about cover it for me.

[fascination]

and I think that might not be universal...some guys deplore discussing work once they leave there....but yea, there are other (specific to each person) incidentals....my main point is; if she knows what he needs and keeps that stuff well in order, the likelihood that she will have to worry about much regarding him is very very low...if she neglects those things, then the subtle or not so subtle signs of discontent can arise

[ireniecat]

if she knows what he needs and keeps that stuff well in order, the likelihood that she will have to worry about much regarding him is very very low...if she neglects those things, then the subtle or not so subtle signs of discontent can arise

That's a much better way of saying what I was trying to get at :) (I was guilty of the neglect for a while and that's when things got difficult)

[soshedances]

http://stuffucanuse.com/all_jokes/jokes%20mw.htm

:uplaugh: Very true!!

[jivechica]

:uplaugh: Very true!!

I cannot believe how accurate this is!! :)

[reb]

you owned a horse?

[samina]

you owned a horse?
:confused:

okay, now i have to go back & see what i missed...ha! :p

[Chiron]

course...then there is what women need...and that is more complex

I don't suppose you could write it down in words that us men could understand... Actually if you could, you could probably make it a book and finance your dancing for the rest of your days.

[samina]

I don't suppose you could write it down in words that us men could understand... Actually if you could, you could probably make it a book and finance your dancing for the rest of your days.


women want everything...and nothing.

does that narrow it down for you? :cool:

[fascination]

I don't suppose you could write it down in words that us men could understand... Actually if you could, you could probably make it a book and finance your dancing for the rest of your days.
well...thing is...one of the things women want is for men to say the right thing(which varies from woman to woman and from situation to situation)...and well...that is a moving target...getting good at it requires listening for a tad longer than many males are accustomed to staying tuned in....women do not tend to be linear and concise in what they say...and men tend to go straight into strategizing or tuning out as soon as they think they have the gist of the conversation....this is almost a serious "boo-boo"...but I will think on it...men are easier ...no doubt

[Warren J. Dew]

one of the things women want is for men to say the right thing

In my experience, they'd really prefer for the man both to say the right thing and to mean it, despite the fact those two are often mutually contradictory.

Fortunately Elizabeth realizes they are contradictory and settles for me saying what I mean. Then again, I also do the cooking.

[fascination]

sounds like a fair trade

[Chiron]

women want everything...and nothing.

does that narrow it down for you? :cool:

Yep no matter what I do I'm going to be wrong ;)

[samina]

Yep no matter what I do I'm going to be wrong ;)

i'm impressed by how my kids ( two boys...) have already learned to just accept this fact, lol.

[RickRS]

:confused:

okay, now i have to go back & see what i missed...ha! :p

If you're still confused when the horse rode in, check DL's link.



...and men tend to go straight into strategizing or tuning out as soon as they think they have the gist of the conversation....

A fact; us guys guys will always jump in with solutions when you gals are just vending about problems. We're always seem in a "fix it and move on" mode when ya'll just want to talk. I don't think its that we won't listen, we're just wired to try to fix things and can't find the off switch, or even the pause button, to that automatic reflex.

[reb]

we're just wired to try to fix things and can't find the off switch, or even the pause button, to that automatic reflex.

A guy worth his salt can fix an off switch and a pause button . . . ;)

[fascination]

If you're still confused when the horse rode in, check DL's link.



A fact; us guys guys will always jump in with solutions when you gals are just vending about problems. We're always seem in a "fix it and move on" mode when ya'll just want to talk. I don't think its that we won't listen, we're just wired to try to fix things and can't find the off switch, or even the pause button, to that automatic reflex.I didn't say you don't listen...I said you stop as soon as you think you have the essentials to begin trying to solve it...we are agreed ;)