Know a good joke?

[johnnywalker]

I came across this joke which gave me a good laugh.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

If anyone else has a good joke i'd love to hear (or should that be read?) them.

[SDsalsaguy]

:lol:

[cl5814]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[cl5814]

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the road ?

There are skidmarks in front of the skunk.

[peachexploration]

I think our attorneys at the office need to hear that one, cl5814! :lol: :lol:

[johnnywalker]

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the road ?

There are skidmarks in front of the skunk.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

I'll have to email that one to some friends at a law firm I use to work.

[danceguy]

Once upon a time many years ago there was a thief who stole a vast amount of gold from a local wealthy merchant. Being of somewhat noble character, he only robbed from the very rich and did not believe in violence, yet the angry merchant sent a troop of well armed militia hot after this trail, and to stay and face them meant certain death.

The thief ran through several small villages, his arms and back laden with gold and jewels. He offered a handsome fee for anyone who would agree to hide him, but to no avail. He then asked about a horse, but the villages were so poor that not even one mangy mule or donkey could be found.

Desperate and exhausted, he finally had nearly reached the end of his endurance when he happened upon another small village. He spoke to the town elder and asked if anyone had a horse they were willing to sell.

"Well," said the Elder. "There is only one horse in this town that is owned by the local blacksmith, but I don't think he'd part with it. Tis said that the horse has mystical powers."

"What kind of powers?" inquired the thief.

"You'll have to ask him yourself, but mark my words, that animal is the fastest horse known to man."

"Really?" exclaimed the thief. "That is exactly what I need!"

And with that, he gave the elder several shiny gold coins and ran off to meet the blacksmith. But the burly smith would not part with the horse, until the thief offered him half of his loot. It was a tidy sum, but without the horse, he would be killed without question.

"I must warn you," said the smith. "This is no ordinary horse, and he will only move if you say the correct magical words. Now then, to make him run, just say "Jesus Christ", and he will run like the wind itself. And this is the most important part...to make him stop, the only thing you can do is say "Holy Moses". Nothing else can make him stop...save his own death!"

"Do you understand?"

"Yes I do!" said the thief. Noticing a trail of dust behind him that came from the local militia who would have his head, he bid the smith farewell and shouted at the top of his lungs:

"JESUS CHRIST!"

And in an instant, the horse was galloping so fast that everything around them became a blur. They ran past more villages, through forests, streams and covered many miles for the better part of the day. The thief finally relaxed and realized that his troubles were over for the militia would never catch him now.

But suddenly he noticed a sign up ahead that make his blood run cold:

"Warning, bridge out ahead!"

With a calm reassurance he knew he could avoid plunging off the cliff easily, so he quickly said the magic words to make the horse stop.

"HOLY ...?!?!!"

But to his surprise and dismay, the horse kept moving. Desperately he tried every word he could think of...but to no avail...the gorge loomed closer and closer and neither pulling on the reigns or hitting the horse would make it stop.

As he said his prayers and prepared to die...suddenly he remembered the magic words, which rolled off his tongue just in the nick of time!

"HOLY MOSSESSSSSSSSSSS!"

With a screech and a clatter of horseshoes, the horse came to a grinding halt, its hooves just a hairsbreadth away from the looming cliff. His heart pounding and his breath short...the thief looked nervously over the edge, exclaiming in awe at what must have been a sheer drop of over 1000 feet.

"Jesus Christ, that's a long way down!"

:D :lol:

SG

[pygmalion]

:lol: :lol:

[ino]

Now this one is perfect for the dance forums....

Scene: Dance floor and a guy decides to ask a lady to dance

Guy: Hey, would you like to dance?

Girl: umm....No

Guy: C'mon lower ur standards......I did


:lol: :lol:

[johnnywalker]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Good jokes SG and Ino.

Here's a bit of a silly one -

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said

"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
"I do...Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,

"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,

"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,
"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'." :D

[mr bixx]

i recomend not reapeating this one unless your good friends with them. i made the mistake and got slapped in a bar for it. didnt really bother me becasu the girl needed to get off her high horse.
so there was this pretty atractive girl . all these guys were ogooogling over her and suggesting someone talk to her. me not caring i called her over and was like could you tell me which sexual position produces the ugliest children. she ws like idk and thought about it. then said she gave up. so i polietly patted her on her back and was like tomorrow when you wake up you should ask your mom. within seconds craaaaaaaaaaaaaaack across my face. it was priceless though. you could tell know one has ever talked to her like that.

[ino]

i recomend not reapeating this one unless your good friends with them. i made the mistake and got slapped in a bar for it. didnt really bother me becasu the girl needed to get off her high horse.
so there was this pretty atractive girl . all these guys were ogooogling over her and suggesting someone talk to her. me not caring i called her over and was like could you tell me which sexual position produces the ugliest children. she ws like idk and thought about it. then said she gave up. so i polietly patted her on her back and was like tomorrow when you wake up you should ask your mom. within seconds craaaaaaaaaaaaaaack across my face. it was priceless though. you could tell know one has ever talked to her like that.



LoL!!!!!!!!!!! Good one.....it's nice to start off the day with a laugh like that. that gets 5 stars from me :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[cocodrilo]

I know thousands of jokes, yet I'm not sure they would be suitable for this site. Here's one that's "clean". You might have to be American to understand it, though...


There are 3 potatoes standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one's the prostitute?

She's the one with the little sticker that says "IDAHO".

[danceguy]

:doh: :D

Most of my jokes are not suitable for this site either Cocodrilo... :? :roll: :twisted:

SG

[SDsalsaguy]

(I hope no one finds this offensive...)

Catholic Horses

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.

One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, whenhe noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.

Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race
horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the
horses.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was
elated!

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, it
always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to co me true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last
race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitchell bet every cent he had, and watched in horror as the horse came in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded an explanation!

"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites".

[cocodrilo]

A man was reading a bible story to his young son;

"...and Lot was told to take his wife and flee. When he looked back to get one last glimpse of his beloved homeland, he turned into a pillar of salt."

and the son said "What happened to the flea?"

[cocodrilo]

A kindergarten teacher was trying to elicit responses after reading the story of "The Three Little Pigs" to her students;

"So, what do you think the man in the hardware store said when the second little pig went in and asked for some nails and wood?"

One boy put up his hand and said "Holy $H!T, a talking pig!"




****P.S. I hear this is a true story! :lol:

[cocodrilo]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson & a shopping bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with and the other is used for carrying groceries.

[pygmalion]

:lol: :lol: That's hilarious! :lol: :lol:

[salsachinita]

I'm not usually a joke teller, but this one I liked:

Thig guy inherented a rude parrot. He got told that this parrot is impossible to live with, but being an animal lover, he was determined to be patient with his new pet.

The parrot turned from bad to worse, cursing all day, breaking/spilling everything in sight, and even started to bite. One day, this guy got really fed up, so he put the parrot in the freezer trying to cool him down a bit.

At first the parrot carried on cursing, then he calmed down and started to beg: "Please let me out.....I promised to be a good parrot from now on & never give you trouble any more....."

The guy took pity on him & let him out. The parrot came out still shivering but very polite & grateful. He said to his owner: " Can I ask you one question?"

"Sure"

"What did the chicken do....?"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[cocodrilo]

That's cute! (but I'm glad I'm not eating fowl tonight!) :D

[pygmalion]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

No wonder that poor parrot decided to "cool it." :lol:

[Spitfire]

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the road ?

There are skidmarks in front of the skunk.

I know a law student who's often at the swing dances; she'll love that one.

[cocodrilo]

Was wondering why women aren't allowed on the front line in the battle fields. If there WERE women on the front line, we would surely win the war. How so? It's simply a matter of a little "pep talk". Just go over to those women on the front line and tell them "Hey, the enemy said those uniforms make you look fat!" :lol:

[pygmalion]

Now those are fighting words! :lol: :lol:

[danceguy]

Well, to counter this strategy, I'd just send someone out with a sign that read "LADIES SHOES ON SALE!" and then the other side would lose for sure! :D

SG

[danceguy]

One day a local town drunk walked into his favorite watering hole, and he hadn't even taken off his coat before he walked up to a complete stranger at the bar and gave him a compliment.

"Hey there, did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Sean Connery! You must be a devil with the ladies!"

The man was so impressed that he bought the old shotclogger a drink, which he quickly tossed off and thanked his new friend for. Without batting an eye, the old man then turned to another man at the bar, a younger and slightly well built man of about 30 years.

"My god, look at the arms on this guy! I don't believe it...I'm sitting next to Jack LaLanne!"

The younger man was so impressed, that he bought the drunk several rounds...spending most of the time telling him all that he did to stay in shape. After another hour of accepting drinks from people he'd convinced that they resembled some famous celebrity, the town drunk heard nature calling him, so he quickly ran for the bathroom, not wanting to miss any opportunities to find more saps to buy him free drinks.

Unfortunately he found that all of the stalls were occupied, and in an act of desperation he saw another opportunity for a shot of whiskey...or a quaff of brandy at least.

Walking up to a man at the urinal, he went into his act.

"Hey there, are you Drew Pearson?"

"Not yet buddy, I'll be done in a minute."

SG

[pygmalion]

Huh?!? :lol: :lol:

[danceguy]

One of my Grandfather's jokes...only he could tell it right! Not to mention its about 50 years old, at least. ;) :D

SG

[Pacion]

:lol: SG. I think it is in the accent Pygmalion :wink:

Here's 'food for thought' :wink:

New Business-to-Consumer Retail Craze They're calling it shops, or "S-Commerce" and its being rolled out in cities and towns nationwide. "It's a real revelation," according to Malcolm Fosbury, a middleware engineer from Hillingdon. "You just walk into one of these shops and they have all sorts of things for sale." Fosbury was particular impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing in central London. "Shops seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can actually try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I was wearing the clothing." This is possible using a high definition 2D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become known.

Shops, which are frequently aggregated into shopping portals or "high streets", are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely populated areas people can find them extremely convenient. And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating trainers and then wait five days for them to be delivered in the hope that they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst from Chelsea. "This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods." Being able see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey, "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff."

Shops have a compelling commercial story to tell too, according to Gartner Group retail analyst Carl Baker. "There are massive efficiencies in the supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in urban centres -- typically close to where people live and work -- businesses can make dramatic savings in fulfillment costs. Just compare this with the wasteful practise of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes." Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home to find a despatch notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a delivery depot the other side of town. But it's not just the convenience and time-saving that appeals to Fosbury, "Visiting a shop is real relief for me. I mean as it is I spend all day in front of a freaking computer."