Negativity

[jhans]

Does anyone have any thoughts regarding dealing with the naysayers-the negative people that may be in your life (such as family, friends, etc.) that look at your dancing as silly and a waste of time. My husband grew up in a domineering, critical environment within his family which happens to still go on. And the problem is we live in the same area as them so see them on a regular basis. His father made a comment to him that he cannot dance-about as blunt as you can get. I felt so bad for him because he is trying so hard and really wants to learn but I know he has to fight the voices in his head telling him he can't. I've kind of rambled on about this but I would appreciate any feedback from those of you that have dealt with this problem.

[Chris Stratton]

Most people do not have a natural aptitude for partner dance.

Those who recognize this up front have a head start in getting in the habit of treating it as a new skill to learn from scratch.

In contrast, those who are good at solo or performance dancing can easily waste a few years mistakenly believing they are capable before discovering that they must build partner dance skills from the ground up, too.

Make sure you have a coach who is creadibly confident that he/she can help, and just let the project run its course. And count your blessings that he had the courage to try - the hardest step in dancing for guys is the one into the studio door.

[Josh]

Naysayers usually nay-say because they want others to have a life as boring, unfulfilled, mundane, and couch-potato-ish as they have. Misery loves company, after all... Often the strongest source of this is from close quarters. Someone I know has constant criticism from their siblings and in-laws, most of whom have themselves admitted to being relatively unfulfilled in their marriages and jobs, and slobbish and overweight. The underlying reason is always the same: "be like us."

People who do different things are ALWAYS going to be the target of ridicule, because the nature of people is to criticize those who are different. The process goes something like this (this isn't scientific, just how it is laid out in my thinking process):

1) A difference is observed
2) The human mind performs a self-check to evaluate whether the difference is in conflict with its own current beliefs and ways of being
3) If a conflict is discovered, the beliefs of the person are presumed to be threatened and in jeopardy
4) The subconscious auto-pilot reaction is, "I must defend my beliefs which are being threatened."
5) Evidence supporting the existing belief is cited to reaffirm the belief being held, ignoring any evidence to support the opposing side
6) The source of the conflict (in this case, your husband) is ridiculed

So your husband is ridiculed for doing something he enjoys, because of an internal conflict within the minds of others, though your husband did nothing to intentionally initiate the conflict.

It may help to understand the "whys" when ridicule comes from those you love, and realize that it isn't malicious, it's just the nature of the human who has not yet become more directly involved in his or her own thinking process. The best thing you can probably do is to continue to be a supportive wife and dance partner, and make sure that the both of you have fun--that's the end result after all! :-)

[Joyful Dancer]

Often the naysayer is just jealous of the brave spirit of those who attempt to do something that the naysayer either can't or won't attempt themselves.

You and your husband keep up with the dancing.. your efforts wiill be rewarded in so many ways... and not just on the dance floor :)

[3wishes]

Welcome jhans! From personal experience, my husband also experienced the "you can't dance, why are you doing this, blah blah yada yada" from his very strict father.
And on the floor in social dancing - my husband would stop during the lesson and say "I can't dance, I can't get it," but we talked alot - that it really made me happy, that he was at least trying, two years later - he knows and dances better than most of the men his age at our little studio. His father stopped when my husband told him, it makes my wife happy and even if I'm terrible the smile is worth it. Different generations and families have different takes. Yes, it's a tiny little social Foxtrot but he loves Rumba now because he figures he doesn't really have to do anything and his replaced knees get a work out. It took time for his family to stop the "wasting money" thing. About two years. Keep going, encouragement, happiness, smiles and laughter between you and yours - really does make a difference. Ignore the naysayers - naysayers will hold him down to their level - he will never know what he can rise to - without trying.

[TinyDancer109]

jhans, thank you for starting this thread and Josh, thank you for your perspective... it has helped me too!

I also get a lot of criticism for ballroom dancing but for different reasons than jhans' hubby. Two of the closest people to me are always telling me i am brainwashed... and i spend too much money on this sport and i am being selfish in not saving for the future (mind you i am not married, with no expenses)... and it's not worth is cause it's not practical and i will never do anything with it... and that the only reason i do it is because i "like the attention like the old ladies who dance"... the criticisms never end and it really takes the joy out of doing something you love when everyone else is always insisting its a bad thing. It's a very stessful situation, takes a toll on you, and i often want to cry from it.. i really feel for your husband, jhans, but he is lucky to have YOU supporting him! Please make sure to continue to do so!

[Peaches]

My sympathies.

My situation was a little different--my parents were supportive on the surface, but still didn't approve much. Hard to explain.

I tried rationalizing it to myself (they just don't understand, they have my best interests at heart), I tried explaining it to them (social dancing isn't like dancing in a club), I tried justifying myself to them (it makes me happy, DH doesn't have an issue with the money)...not much progress. At least not lasting progress.

The only thing that finally worked was to firmly stand my ground and confront them. Believe me, this was hard because I'm a very non-confontational person (despite whatever rep I've got around here). After one phone conversation with my father I was shaking and felt physically ill. I finally just told them that I've explained things, I've justified things, I couldn't say anything more or anything different that would get them to see the light, and that I wouldn'tanything more because this topic of conversation is now over...period. I told them they didn't have to like it, but I did expect them to accept it and "if they didn't have anything nice to say than don't say anything at all." I was not going to have that conversation again.

After a while...they came around. Sort of. But at the very least it stopped the b.s. comments from that direction. And it was very empowering to be the one to control the conversation (aka, stop it), rather than letting someone else be in charge and having to respond to it.

Perhaps it would help your husband if he responded in a similar fashion? I understand how hard it can be, but it does feel good in the long run. It doesn't have to be angry or (because this is big in some families) disrespectful. It's just establishing a boundary of what is and is not acceptable.

[waltzguy]

Just take their comments in without defense, and without negative reaction.

[Piggles]

Here's a quote from Theodore Roosevelt that has got me through a lot of negative comments and tough times:

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotion, spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never tasted victory or defeat.”

[samina]

sometimes negativity and lack of understanding from others can be the best thing that ever happened. it causes you to make an important choice for yourself. you either cave and live a life to please others, or you may live with bitterness & resentment no matter what you choose to do, or... you get closer to your own purpose and source of joy and become clearer about what that is, and accept that it simply must be part of your life.

IME, when you're clear about and at peace with your purpose & what gives you joy... the negativity and lack of understanding on the part of others ceases to affect you the same way.

[flashdance]

You and your husband keep up with the dancing.. your efforts wiill be rewarded in so many ways... and not just on the dance floor :)

ditto and the other replies :)

Somehow I think you'll both have the last laugh ;)

[fascination]

I have been subtlely accused of every form of sin, neglect, and foolishness for having a passion for dance and having taken every step possible to achieve a degree of progress that speaks to my soul...and while I normally take attacks deeply to heart for long periods of time, those particular criticisms are ones that fall heedlessly to my feet....when one truly loves something, one doesn't count the cost or hear the critics...both are irrelevant...

[jhans]

All of your comments have moved me to tears-they mean so much. I am going to copy down everyone's advice to keep handy so we can refer to it when we need a boost. You have so many great ideas on how to manage the issue. Thank you, thank you!

[latingal]

best of luck to you with it jhans!