New dancer & stressed out!

[saraht]

Hi, I'm a new dancer and hope someone can give me some advice or encouragement! My boyfriend is very into ballroom dancing so I am trying to learn but it is tough because I am 45 years old, overweight and out of shape, and I have absolutely no natural ability or talent for dancing. He's been dancing for 20+ years and is very good at it (not competition level or anything, but quite good). So my two problems are this. (1) I feel discouraged because I just can't seem to get the hang of it. I'm taking private lessons but as soon as I get home, I feel like I've forgotten everything! My feet have no idea where to go, and I can't make them. I feel like an elephant galumphing around like an idiot. (2) To be honest I'm having some issues feeling jealousy of all the women (good dancers) who love dancing with my bf. How can I get over that? He's never going to quit dancing so I have to deal with it somehow, but if I am honest with myself, it bugs me to see him having such a great time in close physical contact with other women (especially good looking, limber women!) How do ballroom dancing couples deal with these feelings? Cuz it really kinda sucks.

[CANI]

Hi saraht – Welcome to DF! My advice would be try not to think about your age, weight, being out of shape, and having no natural ability or talent for dancing (in your opinion – which may be wrong! Smile!). I know this is easier said than done. However, you asked for advice and this is my heartfelt advice. It works. I can relate to feeling like the elephant galumphing, but the reality is, in my experience, no one really notices or cares if you are having fun. And after day after day of having fun, and of practicing whatever you can remember -- even if it is one tiny thing -- after a bit of time, without thinking about it, all of a sudden you notice, hey, I remember that, and that, and that, and I don’t feel as awkward, and people are genuinely giving you nice compliments and seeking you out for dances, and it all kind of just comes together with practice. If you approach it as finding what you can enjoy – whether it be spending time with your bf, moving to music, learning something new – every day enjoyment is the key in my opinion.

I’ve never dated anyone in ballroom dance – have always chosen to separate dancing from dating -- but I can tell you I enjoy dancing and laughing and having fun with anyone who asks me to dance – whether they are married, single, in a relationship or not. It is all about enjoying dancing and enjoying being around people who love dancing. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the same for everyone with whom your bf dances.

[wonderwoman]

I think you should keep at it, it will be good for you, for a lot of reasons.

[Peaches]

Try taking some group lessons, for beginners, without your boyfriend. Go and be in a class where everyone is having the exact same thoughts as you are, I can guarantee it. Realize that you're not the only one struggling at first, it's a perfectly natural stage, and that you will get past it. Get into a class situation where you're rotating partners, so you can get used to the physical contact that has absolutely no real purpose beyond the dancing, so you can get used to what it feels like. See what it's like to dance with a bunch of guys, and I promise you that you'll find yourself liking to dance with some guys more than others...and perhaps you'll understand why other ladies like dancing with your boyfriend...from a DANCE perspective.

[fascination]

Hi, I'm a new dancer and hope someone can give me some advice or encouragement! My boyfriend is very into ballroom dancing so I am trying to learn but it is tough because I am 45 years old, overweight and out of shape, and I have absolutely no natural ability or talent for dancing. He's been dancing for 20+ years and is very good at it (not competition level or anything, but quite good). So my two problems are this. (1) I feel discouraged because I just can't seem to get the hang of it. I'm taking private lessons but as soon as I get home, I feel like I've forgotten everything! My feet have no idea where to go, and I can't make them. I feel like an elephant galumphing around like an idiot. (2) To be honest I'm having some issues feeling jealousy of all the women (good dancers) who love dancing with my bf. How can I get over that? He's never going to quit dancing so I have to deal with it somehow, but if I am honest with myself, it bugs me to see him having such a great time in close physical contact with other women (especially good looking, limber women!) How do ballroom dancing couples deal with these feelings? Cuz it really kinda sucks.

A) welcome to DF
B) I began ballroom dancing at 39, 5 years ago, I weighed 195 pounds and wore a size 16...five years later, I am 40 pounds lighter and have won three national titles, albeit modest ones...beating quite a few women who are smaller than I
c) you cannot prevent a man from stepping out on you if he is inclined to, but you can hasten it by being insecure and jealous and making him prove his love...no one can make you feel adequate but yourself...so put on your big girl pants and be willing to feel like a fool for a while...it is part of the process...if you don't feel healthy or pretty, dance is an excellent way to improve on that front...but, just like everyone else, you have to suck it up and feel stupid and insecure for a while...it will be okay as long as you don't self-sabotage

[wonderwoman]

What I would have said if I had tact! :)

[lorenzof]

As far as jealousy goes, remember, if your bf has been dancing 20+ years, he chose you over those dancers you're jealous of. It is fantastic that you are making the effort to participate in his hobby.
As far as the insecurity goes, you gotta just do it. If you don't start dancing socially when you are a beginner, you miss out on a lot of fun. Spoken from experience. All those good dancers, someone danced with them when they were beginners. And when you are a skilled, graceful, and gracious dancer, you will have the opportunity to pay it back too. And there's no substitute for putting hours in on the dance floor.
At my peak (before the kids), I was dancing six nights a week, and without any sort of effort or will power I gradually dropped 30 lbs, which took me down close to my ideal weight.

[Peaches]

Another suggestion: Talk with you bf about it. Not in an accusing way, just talk with him. Ask for his perspective. Ask him for his help.

I wouldn't be surprised if it means a great deal to him that you're even trying to take part in something that he really enjoys.

[saraht]

Thank you everyone for the encouragement. You are right, I just need to stick with it and not get too stressed. I guess it is supposed to be fun, after all! :-)

[Linda J Schlensker]

Thank you everyone for the encouragement. You are right, I just need to stick with it and not get too stressed. I guess it is supposed to be fun, after all! :-)

I just wanted to add that your feelings are real and important. I think that the first question is: Are you dancing because it is something you really want to do for yourself? Or are you just dancing for him? It is good that he wants to share his dancing with you. I teach dance and I'm very good. My spouse is an amateur and his love for it isn't quite at strong as mine. I dance with a lot of men and it is up close and personal. I have friendships with them, I enjoy dancing with them, but I am not going to have a relationship with any of them. They have no interest in a relationship beyond our common interest in dancing. Many of us have non-dancing partners. Have you considered making friends with any of the ladies that enjoy dancing with him? As you get to know them, you'll understand their feelings better as well. I strongly doubt that he would have shared his dance world with you if he had any kind of a relationship with them that went beyond dancing. More likely, he is showing you off to them. He wouldn't do that if he didn't love you very much. That means he sees you as a beautiful woman. Men don't see us they way we see ourselves. If you find you start to love dancing for you, that it fills your heart, go it. If it doesn't look around for the things that make your heart sing. If dancing does become a love, with good teaching you'll find that you can be much better than you ever expected. Best Wishes.

[New in NY]

Hi Saraht. I began dancing just two years ago at exactly your age and I am so glad I did. The other members have given you some great advice and perspective above. You mentioned in your original post that you forget your steps when you get home. It might be helpful if you wrote down the steps right after your lesson, or ask the instructor if you may videotape the lesson or review of steps so you can reference these when you practice at home. The time you spend practicing will definitely impact how quickly you progress. Good luck and enjoy!

[newbie]

It's ok, your bf is not expecting that you reach the level of his best partners, he knows better than anybody how difficult it is and how long it takes.
Keep doing what you do, you may feel after this or that class that you've not made any progress but in six months and looking back at your present level you'll say "Hey I am such a better dancer now!". It's guaranteed.

[dbk]

(1)
Everyone feels that way when they start. It won't feel natural until you repeat it a million times, to make it muscle memory. Practice, practice, practice the basics, because every step is based on the basics. The basic steps are the most important thing to work on. Don't worry about fancy steps just yet.

To help you remember, have your coach review everything you did in the lesson at the end. Get a notebook and write down everything you learned immediately after a lesson.

You will feel a little like an elephant until you learn how to control your balance and your core while dancing. If you go up to your coach and ask to work on that, s/he will probably be ecstatic. Yoga is great for this :D

(2)
Like I think someone else said, dance with other experienced dancers. Have fun. You'll understand that other girls aren't interested in your boyfriend any more than you're interested in your dance partner. Also, you need to realize that even if they're interested, your boyfriend is interested in you.

The way I think about it (my boyfriend dances as well) is that I love to see him having fun. I love dancing with him, but I also love *watching* him dance, and I can't exactly watch when I'm right up next to him. Relax! He's allowed to have fun with other people. Try to feel proud of him when you watch him, instead of jealous. (Also, take the opportunity to check out his bum! :P)

[RickRS]

I like that suggestion that you get involve in beginner group classes. It does help to see that others are struggling with the same issues while learning and what better way than in a roomful of people that are at the same place you are?

We all struggle at the start, but if this is what you want to do, and you stick with it, you ARE going to get better.

And don't let your weight be a factor. There will be a lot of stories about people losing weight after taking up dancing, as if weight loss had to do with their success. And that's great if it happens. I dance in a West Coast Swing community and one of the top dancers in the group is a 40'ish lady that is carrying a few extra pounds. She's killer on the dance floor. Has to do with some years of lessons and experience, something you yourself can also get over time.

[Ecclesiastes3_4]

Regarding jealousy, people (in my experience, at least) go social dancing to dance, not to find a date. Most of the women your boyfriend is dancing with probably have boyfriends/husbands themselves. Last year I regularly danced with a guy who I knew full well was engaged to a lady in our class.

Also remember that more than your skill level, your boyfriend probably appreciates your willingness to learn something that's important to him. And regarding being out of shape, don't worry about it. I have danced with people of all shapes and sizes, and dancing is a great way to get in shape.