When dancing is no longer fun ....

[dancingirldancing]

Have you ever felt when there is just so much reasons that put so much mental tension on you and all you felt after lessons an practice is exhaustion and you don't really feel like doing it anymore, when you can't stand listening to dancing music in your car, when you don't want to go to socials anymore or you go and ending up sitting most of the dances, yet you plow through lessons, coaching sessions, daily practice and competitions.

Have you ever felt when dancing is no longer fun and you are scared and worried that if you take a week off you may not want to come back to it ?

Have you ever felt that you really don't want to do this anymore and if it is worth it in the end yet you have invested so much time, money and emotion into dancing that you don't want to give it up either ?

Have you ever felt that you have given your everything and you don't have anymore to give yet it is still not enough ?

What do you do when dancing is no longer fun ? When is it time to quit ? Will you wonder what if ?

I don't think that I will want to quit dancing or competing but all I feel atm is exhaustion and defeat !

[liz]

sounds like you need to step back and take a break. It has done wonders for my dancing. Along break can make you miss dancing. I can also help you remember why you dance in the first place.

[CANI]

sounds like you need to step back and take a break. It has done wonders for my dancing. Along break can make you miss dancing. I can also help you remember why you dance in the first place.
Welcome to DF, jewels!! I agree with your advice.

I would also suggest, dancingirldancing, that if you haven't already devoted some time to the mental side of training, that is where I would focus some attention. It may be the mental side of everything -- your thinking, your view of things, your interactions with others, the impact you place on what others are thinking, etc. - that is exhausting you and robbing you of your enjoyment. There are lots of good threads on DF/books to read if you would like to do this. Could even do this, while on a break.

[fascination]

dancing girl...I continue to think, based upon many many threads where you have struggled, that most of your difficulties are more about your outlook and personal level of psychological maturity...I think you would; a) benefit greatly from some time away from your dancing because so much of why you do what you do is fear-based and compulsive (at least from the considerable amount of what I have read from you)... and when one is operating out of that space it is almost never a space that portends well for the future of the endeavor without some insight that is currently lacking...and b) I think you need someone local to you who can be a mentor and a counselor...someone very qualified and committed, with a fair amount of time for you on a regular basis...I wish you luck...I do think you need to consider stepping away for clarity, because when things aren't going well you seem unhappy, and yet when they are going well you are fearful....I really do think you could use a mentor, advisor, counselor or therapist...and there is no slight intended...most of us could benefit from the same from time to time

[Ray Sison]

For me, it was helpful to balance dance with other things I like, such as my current college studies. My life now revolves around my schoolwork, so dance is a fun hobby and a good break from studying...

[Gorme]

Don't make dancing your full-time life. Do other activities where you can use your mental capacity to take your mind off the dance frustrations. You'll think that your dance abilities will regress when doing this, but you'll find that when you return the next time, your goals will be sharper and more focused.

I've had a burnout like you described when I was part of a dance team. I'd spend many hours a day practicing or doing team activities. It got to a point where I just didn't care anymore. Once I stopped having an overload, I felt happier.

[toothlesstiger]

I have walked away from a number of multi-year pursuits that I had poured my time and energy into. I have no regrets. They helped make me who I am. I left each of those pursuits when I stopped being excited about them, which probably meant I had gotten out of them what I needed already. And there was always the next passion already starting to take hold when old one was starting to fade. Whatever you cannot walk away from controls you. Take a vacation from dance. If after a few weeks you aren't jonesing to get back to it, maybe you've completed that journey already.

In sports there is always a danger of burnout from overuse of specific motions, and specific mental activities. The way we mitigate the risks is through cross-training. Find some other physical activity that requires some coordination and a learning curve. Learning a new skill rewires your brain, and gives your body a break and an opportunity to move and flex in different ways.

You also need to know your limits. There comes a point when more is less, when additional practice and lessons become counter-productive.

[Josh]

I really do think you could use a mentor

+1

EVERYone needs a mentor--anyone who doesn't have one is lacking in direction, and anyone who thinks they don't need one has fooled himself.

I can't imagine not having my mentor--it would be like trying to drive at night without headlights!

[anntennis]

Great advice from toothlesstiger (http://www.dance-forums.com/member.php?u=45981)

I loved tennis at one time to the point of obsession. I went to all possible tennis camps, was in many tennis teams, and played every day for hours, sometimes forgetting my then husband at home. I could not stop – life was absolutely all about tennis.

Then dance came along and took over. Before tennis I was passionate about skiing. It does seem that one sport or physical activity play very important role in my life, sometimes the most important role.

I hope I found a way to balance dance with different activity like sometimes tennis, sometimes skiing, not making it the center of the Universe.

If dancing start feeling as a part time job for which I am not getting paid, but just opposite, I step away and do something else- swimming at the pool, going to the beach, catching up on good movies and books, etc. Then I start missing dancing again and come back to my lessons. I personally prefer various studios for socials and a few instructors for lessons, it does give variety to your dancing as well, make it fun and enjoyable.

[Josh]

toothlesstiger and all, I moved your post to a new thread because I thought it might make an interesting discussion on mentoring.... (will delete this message after a day or two)

[latingal]

Welcome to DF jewels!

[Warren J. Dew]

EVERYone needs a mentor--anyone who doesn't have one is lacking in direction, and anyone who thinks they don't need one has fooled himself.

It's great if a mentor picks you out, but unfortunately you don't get to pick out a mentor. It strikes me that the original poster has not been picked out by a mentor to help her, so she needs to figure out how to get by without a mentor.

Dancingirldancing, if I remember correctly, you compete in an amateur category. Are you happy with your progress, and just unhappy with the time it takes? Or is it fundamentally the lack of progress that is getting you down?

[latingal]

dgd, there's lots of good advice coming through here.

I will add one other dimension I have experienced...there was a time when dancing was becoming miserable for me, I had to step back and take a look at why. In my case when I did, I found that my own, other's and perceived expectations for achievements and results were putting way too much tension and anxiety in to my sport/hobby.

I had to take back control of why i chose to participate in the sport/art and what I chose to get out of it. And in the end, I decided that I would not let anybody take that joy and choice away from me.

There are many mental training techniques that I follow to help myself stay centered and balanced in my sport. I highly recommend finding a good sport psychology book that speaks to you. If you need a recommendation pm me.

[dancingirldancing]

My disillusionment does not actually come from competition results but from the general attitude of people in the danceworld where everything is everyone's business not to mention all the backstabbing and talking behind your back.

Dancing has not become a 'happy' place anymore.

Also, this is caused by the feeling of being unappreciated and misunderstood by people that I respected the most. I am not sure whether I can call them my mentor but I do expect them to understand my position better instead of passing unfair judgement on me when the full facts has not been known.

[latingal]

ah, dgd...I've been there also. I can only tell you that I love the sport/art enough that I again have taken back control of why I stay in dancing. The environment may be toxic, but there are many ways that I do not let it effect or control me.

And as far as others you respect judging you etc., sport is a microcosm of what you face in life - only condensed into a much smaller time period and amped up by a couple million watts. These types of things are lessons in life and character, in relationships and self mastery, and in understanding human nature and that which you can and cannot control.

There are no easy answers to this one, it's that which we learn of life....to be able to assist you here would be very difficult since we do not know all the interactions, but we can offer some small insights or past experiences of our own that might help you find a path to tread...

[toothlesstiger]

My disillusionment does not actually come from competition results but from the general attitude of people in the danceworld where everything is everyone's business not to mention all the backstabbing and talking behind your back.

Dancing has not become a 'happy' place anymore.

Also, this is caused by the feeling of being unappreciated and misunderstood by people that I respected the most. I am not sure whether I can call them my mentor but I do expect them to understand my position better instead of passing unfair judgement on me when the full facts has not been known.

Without the specifics, I think any advice is getting shot out in the dark. So, my shot in the dark... Dancers gossip. Not just partner dancers. If that is a problem, then dancing will be a problem. You can either walk away from it, or you can reconsider how you react to it, and what you think of the people that engage in that behavior. I really don't care what anyone thinks of me. I do try to avoid causing any hurt or offense, but I don't care if someone thinks I kick puppies. Anyone who passes judgement on me is not worthy of my respect. They will get consideration the same as a child who is not expected to know any better would.

[JANATHOME]

Yes has happened to me too. So we left studio. At first it was nice to not have the committment of weekly lessons and not to know that we need to get that practice in when we really had no desire to do it.

The first 2 weeks we were happy with the decision, was nice to chill out, no rush after work to be someplace... After about 2 weeks of this husband and I got tired of staring at each other , watching TV and realized we were unhappy with our decision and found a new instuctor and studio....

I will also mention we switched from and independent to a chain where the atmsophsere was quite different and this change brought the joy back to dancing for us. Eventually after about 4 years we again realized we were no longer getting what we wanted and went to an independent where now we are quite happy again.

I am glad we took that time off to step back and figure out what we wanted, glad we found a new setting that gave us that something that we were missing. I think dance evolves.. What once worked great sometimes changes and one has to addrees that change rather than just plow through it and hope it gets better.

If when you step away and find you dont want to continue then it was meant to be. If you find you truly miss it then finding that place that brings the love of dance back to you is good too.... Wishing you luck...

[CANI]

i had to take back control of why i chose to participate in the sport/art and what i chose to get out of it. And in the end, i decided that i would not let anybody take that joy and choice away from me.

+1

and as far as others you respect judging you etc., sport is a microcosm of what you face in life - only condensed into a much smaller time period and amped up by a couple million watts. These types of things are lessons in life and character, in relationships and self mastery, and in understanding human nature and that which you can and cannot control.
+1+1+1++1!!!!!!:d

[danceronice]

I think first, fasc. had the best advice based on what I've seen of your posts.

Second, if you think there is someplace out there where people don't gossip and backstab and such? Wow, are you in for a rude awakening. Maybe if you joined a convent that doesn't happen, but people are, in general, cliquish and tribal. That's not going to change no matter WHAT activity you do. The only thing you can do is find a way to respond that doesn't stress you out.

[tanya_the_dancer]

Second, if you think there is someplace out there where people don't gossip and backstab and such? Wow, are you in for a rude awakening. Maybe if you joined a convent that doesn't happen, but people are, in general, cliquish and tribal. That's not going to change no matter WHAT activity you do. The only thing you can do is find a way to respond that doesn't stress you out.

+1. And honestly, as far as gossiping and cliquishness go, everything pales before PTA. But somehow I have a feeling that the OP did not have that experience.

[TinyDancer109]

dgd, you confuse me. perhaps since i do not know the details i am misreading your posts, but i feel like you have given us 2 different stories. Originally you said:

Have you ever felt when there is just so much reasons that put so much mental tension on you and all you felt after lessons an practice is exhaustion and you don't really feel like doing it anymore, when you can't stand listening to dancing music in your car, when you don't want to go to socials anymore or you go and ending up sitting most of the dances, yet you plow through lessons, coaching sessions, daily practice and competitions.

Have you ever felt when dancing is no longer fun and you are scared and worried that if you take a week off you may not want to come back to it ?

Have you ever felt that you really don't want to do this anymore and if it is worth it in the end yet you have invested so much time, money and emotion into dancing that you don't want to give it up either ?

Have you ever felt that you have given your everything and you don't have anymore to give yet it is still not enough ?

What do you do when dancing is no longer fun ? When is it time to quit ? Will you wonder what if ?

I don't think that I will want to quit dancing or competing but all I feel atm is exhaustion and defeat !

which claims you have physical and mental exhaustion from the sport. but then later you said:

My disillusionment does not actually come from competition results but from the general attitude of people in the danceworld where everything is everyone's business not to mention all the backstabbing and talking behind your back.

Dancing has not become a 'happy' place anymore.

Also, this is caused by the feeling of being unappreciated and misunderstood by people that I respected the most. I am not sure whether I can call them my mentor but I do expect them to understand my position better instead of passing unfair judgement on me when the full facts has not been known.

which seems to be a completely different complaint to me.

Do you actually know why you want to quit or are you going through a depressed stage (again, judging from previous posts)??? I agree with fasc, perhaps you should seek help if necessary. Best of luck.

[3wishes]

"Also, this is caused by the feeling of being unappreciated and misunderstood by people that I respected the most. I am not sure whether I can call them my mentor but I do expect them to understand my position better instead of passing unfair judgement on me when the full facts has not been known." I have to agree with Fascination on this. As well, you do present two very opposite situations. One, being "tired" or "burn out" in your dancing discipline/focus and Two, the gossip, disrespect and misunderstood issue. In reading this, I believe your true issue is this one as it can drain a person and suck the life energy out of you trying to earn respect and be understood by people who simply don't. Having experienced, in my earlier dancelife, this same situation - I switched teachers and studios - went with an independent who had access to mentors and coaches that did not know me. I made it very clear my feelings about gossip and that I was there to dance. DGD - I would suggest that you not only incorporate a mentor who knows and can appreciate your goals but that you also incorporate time-off and other activities i.e, tennis, yoga, swimming, martial arts - something so polar opposite dancing thtat it breathes life into you and a step into something that relieves your stress level. Seriously.

[Warren J. Dew]

I really don't care what anyone thinks of me. I do try to avoid causing any hurt or offense, but I don't care if someone thinks I kick puppies.

Yes. This is pretty much the only way to insulate oneself from the gossip. It can be difficult, though, especially if one feels like one has been betrayed by a coach or someone else that one respects.

[Phil Owl]

sounds like you need to step back and take a break. It has done wonders for my dancing. Along break can make you miss dancing. I can also help you remember why you dance in the first place.

True, very true. I wound up taking a nearly YEAR-LONG unplanned sabbatical from dancing about 3 years ago. I was surprised that when I returned, i enjoyed it far more, and lost NOTHING!

[fascination]

dgd, you confuse me. perhaps since i do not know the details i am misreading your posts, but i feel like you have given us 2 different stories. Originally you said:



which claims you have physical and mental exhaustion from the sport. but then later you said:



which seems to be a completely different complaint to me.

Do you actually know why you want to quit or are you going through a depressed stage (again, judging from previous posts)??? I agree with fasc, perhaps you should seek help if necessary. Best of luck.
and my concern is that I have seen a variety of concerns far beyond this, from spousal issues, to partner related, to results, to disparity of skill, to lack of chemistry and so on...which is why I strongly believe that some personal centered-ness via a good source of help and some time off would be very beneficial

[TangoRocks]

Have you ever felt when there is just so much reasons that put so much mental tension on you and all you felt after lessons an practice is exhaustion and you don't really feel like doing it anymore, when you can't stand listening to dancing music in your car, when you don't want to go to socials anymore or you go and ending up sitting most of the dances, yet you plow through lessons, coaching sessions, daily practice and competitions.


DGD, that sounds like a major case of burnout to me--I can't say I had that happen to me in exactly the same way, but that's how I feel right now about taking dance lessons--not necessarily the dancing itself. This has, however, happened to me in other activities I enjoy, including a number of jobs which I started out enthusiastic and willing and came to dread going on doing day after day without taking any joy from them. Like other people have mentioned, taking a break from it all is probably a feasible thing--if, after your break, you still feel that way about dancing, well, it's not the end of the world. Sure, we'd like to see you keep dancing but if it becomes a chore and not a joy, really, life is too short and you might find something else to fill the void left by dancing, something that would make you happy.


Have you ever felt when dancing is no longer fun and you are scared and worried that if you take a week off you may not want to come back to it ?

Have you ever felt that you really don't want to do this anymore and if it is worth it in the end yet you have invested so much time, money and emotion into dancing that you don't want to give it up either ?

Have you ever felt that you have given your everything and you don't have anymore to give yet it is still not enough ?

What do you do when dancing is no longer fun ? When is it time to quit ? Will you wonder what if ?

I don't think that I will want to quit dancing or competing but all I feel atm is exhaustion and defeat !Valid questions all, but to be brutally honest, there is something about throwing good money after bad. You put your time, money, emotion into dancing and it made you happy (I am guessing, since you kept doing it)--if it is no longer serving your needs, your time and money can be better spent elsewhere.

However, I am not suggesting you quit dancing cold turkey--taking an extended break and re-evaluating your priorities, both dance- and life-wise can help. Maybe you'll find out you want to go back to dancing with a vengeance, or playing tennis, or the saxophone; the potential choices are endless. And if you do decide to go back to dancing, it would be because you WANT to go back, not because you spent a fortune on classes and 80% of your waking hours you are not at work/school on dancing.

Good luck with whatever you decide for your dancing future! *hug*

[Amanda Coyle]

dancinggirldancing do you measure your self-worth by what you have accomplished in dance? If so, as others have suggested, perhaps there is something else that you can turn your attention to, so that your "eggs are not all in one basket". I've been there, focusing on a particular endeavor (in my case, it was not dance). That realm was my whole life and when I burned out on it I thought I was losing that one thing that seemed to matter above all else. I thought it defined me. But it did not, and there were other things that made me happy, such as dance.

You expressed fear over taking a break and possibly not wanting to return. If it turns out that you don't want to return, life will go on. It will mean that you truly did not want to go on with dance, and you will go on to the next chapter in your life.

[samina]

fwiw, i concur with fasc's feedback and regard her remarks as thoughtful & wise.

DGD, this time could be a watershed for you, a dividing line, between personal tumult and greater peace and autonomy. take some time off to make sense of it all. the dancing will wait for you, and will be even better for you once you've addressed what's going on for you on the inner plane.

best wishes to you.

[Warren J. Dew]

My disillusionment does not actually come from competition results but from the general attitude of people in the danceworld where everything is everyone's business not to mention all the backstabbing and talking behind your back.

Dancing has not become a 'happy' place anymore.

I've definitely been there.

My solution was to ignore the people, and start focusing just on my dancing. Fortunately my partner was not part of the problem.

[Laurie]

I've definitely been there.

My solution was to ignore the people, and start focusing just on my dancing. Fortunately my partner was not part of the problem.

You're right because the backbiting that dancinggirldancing has mentioned can happen no matter where you are or what you are doing.

[Nik]

Take a break for sure, just not for too long.

I watch a few videos, find some new music, and it all comes back.

[dancingirldancing]

I think my issues is I can't separate emotional issues from physical issues.

What I mean by this is if I am happy and friendly with my boss and my work colleagues I feel more enthusiastic working in that place.

However if I have conflict with my boss and/or my work colleagues I tend to feel very demotivated at work.

The same with dancing if I am happy at my studio I tend to feel motivated to work harder.

However, if I am having some conflict at my studio I tend to feel down.

Unfortunately a incident blowing out of proportion due to misunderstanding happened recently and I felt sad that people who should have known me better can think otherwise just based on a one sided account of another less than credible gossiper.

[waltzgirl]

I'm not a psychologist (but I play on one the internet ;)), but my guess would be that you are turning your anger about those situations inward and attacking yourself by withdrawing emotionally from something important to you. You have every right to be angry at both the gossiper and those who believed him/her. What you want to do about that anger--confront them, snub them, forgive them--is up to you, but it might help keep things like this from interfering with your dancing if you ackowledged that anger to yourself.

One trick I use to acknowledge my anger in a situation where I choose not to express it directly is to subtly give whoever I'm angry at the finger! Not so anyone would have the slightest idea I was doing that--just a tiny twitch of the finger or casually positioning of my hand so the middle finger is slightly separated. But I know what I'm doing, it gives my anger its due, and it makes me feel better! And because it's silly, it usually lightens my whole attitude about the situation. YMMV, of course.

Alternatively, could you use that anger as a motivator to work harder? Say, "OK, you can waste your energy in petty gossip and unkindness, but I am (or soon will be) a better dancer!" That might be something that your DP could help you with, since, from what you've said, he seems to have enough competitiveness to share!

[DrivenSubstance]

I had a friend and competitor who is taking a break however no one knows if she is coming back now. She was a rising star and retired at such a young age, coaches were devastated. Who knows...

I'm also in a similar position but know if I stop now it probably won't happen again because of age, if I did I would focus on teaching possibly?!

[sigurd]

Ballroom dancing itself requires a lot of concentration. In my case, I cannot afford to have other people drain my mental energy away. Of course, I have not been in a single studio that it is gossip free, all hugs and kisses. At the end you either move to another studio, or take a short break to ******* your energy, come back and deal with it.

I have moved from one studio to another many times for the past three years. I once stopped ballroom for three months and tried other dances (tap and ballet) for fun. Everytime when I do it I find it *******ing. I have to admit that somewhat I am jeapoardizing my competition route (can't say it is a "competition career", because I don't do this for living). Yes, if I keep switching and taking break, I probably won't make it very far (or top) in comps. It is very hard to find a dance partner. However, everytime when I lose one, somehow another one (may or may not be at the same level) shows up, and I learn something (not always good comp result) new in dancing.

I surrendered to the idea that I will never be a world champion since I started late and lack of talent. There is no point for me to worry that if I don't get to pre-champ or blackpool by age x then I won't have a chance. Although I am not gifted in ballroom, I can always have fun and improve. If other people, studio, or whatever, is not helping me to achieve this, I will ditch them (or ditch myself and go somewhere else).

[TinyDancer109]

sigurd, were you trying to type r-e-f-r-e-s-h-i-n-g?? i have gotten weird words (that are perfectly clean!) like that censored before too!!! its so strange!!

/hijack

[fascination]

it was a word that had to go due to some sort of hacking practice IIRC

[TinyDancer109]

ooooh that makes more sense now! thanks fasc! :)

[danceronice]

I think my issues is I can't separate emotional issues from physical issues.

What I mean by this is if I am happy and friendly with my boss and my work colleagues I feel more enthusiastic working in that place.

However if I have conflict with my boss and/or my work colleagues I tend to feel very demotivated at work.

The same with dancing if I am happy at my studio I tend to feel motivated to work harder.

However, if I am having some conflict at my studio I tend to feel down..

Okay...don't take this the wrong way but...how old are you? Because honey, welcome to the real world. Being in stressful situations can make us depressed or angry. Your only real options are in how you deal with the conflict. If you can remove yourself from the situation, that's an option. If you can't, you have to decide how you're going to address it.

[3wishes]

DGD "I think my issues is I can't separate emotional issues from physical issues.
What I mean by this is if I am happy and friendly with my boss and my work colleagues I feel more enthusiastic working in that place.
However if I have conflict with my boss and/or my work colleagues I tend to feel very demotivated at work. The same with dancing if I am happy at my studio I tend to feel motivated to work harder. However, if I am having some conflict at my studio I tend to feel down.." I agree with above posts, your most current statement indicates, to me, that you do not have years of life experience. Gossip happens. Be it work, recreation, church, school etc etc. My pastor once said years ago, those who gossip have nothing better to do with their own lives and would prefer to focus on others rather than themselves and their problems. DGD - if this is how you are now...how will you get through your own life - with or without dance? Lessons learned - not just dancing - teach many of us to focus on ourselves, surround ourselves with good energy, take breaks, mentally and physically, do not concern yourself about the situation that blew out of porportion - if it is a mis-understanding than leave it at that. The more you try to fix something - the more energy it will take from you. Say what you have to say, and let it go. You'll earn more respect that way, other than losing respect. And if it truly bothers you, take the break, find a different teacher and/or a different studio. But remember, people are people, focus on yourself and what you want out of your life.

[Warren J. Dew]

It seems weird to me how people think this is connected to age. My mom is 78 and her social and emotional experiences still affect her physically.

Granted the social sniping itself traditionally peaks in high school, but I've heard of some dance circles that sound a lot like delayed high school.

[CANI]

It seems weird to me how people think this is connected to age. My mom is 78 and her social and emotional experiences still affect her physically.

Granted the social sniping itself traditionally peaks in high school, but I've heard of some dance circles that sound a lot like delayed high school.

I think this is an important point. I think all of us, based on our life experiences, can say we handle things differently at age 30 than we did at age 20. And, I am in agreement with danceronice, 3wishes, latingal and your posts Warren and others who I'm forgetting about good ways to handle these things and re-frame them so they don't make us miserable or have a huge impact on our lives, dancing or otherwise. Having said that -- I agree with your comment in this post -- I have never met nor heard of a person at any age who can claim 100% immunity from this experience of something external to ourselves having an impact on us in some way.

Good luck, dancingirldancing, I think you've got a lot of good advice here and I'm sure there will be more -- hope you find what works for you inside or outside of dance.

[Piggles]

DGD, I left a former studio for many of the same reasons that you have mentioned in your posts in this thread. Added to these reasons was an environment that made me feel like I had to continually push to stay ahead of the pack. If I didn't participate in something or didn't practice enough then I'd lose my edge (and cause more gossip about me). Leaving that studio turned out to be one of the best things that I ever did for myself! :p

It's not that it was a bad studio; the environment and culture was just toxic for me in particular. By going elsewhere I was able to start participating in other activities that I used to love before dance took over my life. My approach to competitive/performance dance became much more moderate and my whole outlook improved. Work got better, marriage got better, life got better. I'm now expecting a little dancer (piglet?) of my own who might just come out wearing Supadance shoes...

The reason I'm telling you all this is to let you know that there really can be a happy ending to the low spot you're in right now. It sounds like you're caught in a place I was in around 15 months ago and you just need to gather the courage to do whatever is right for you. If there are influences around you who are toxic (and they can be close friends whom you love and trust but are not good influences for your state of mind), them remove them. You can still be friends with them, but no longer have to be a part of their negativity. The hardest part is taking that first step away from everything you know (be it a temporary break from your existing studio or changing to a new one). Every step after that becomes easier....and soon those steps turn into delightful dancing again. :D

[toothlesstiger]

Gossip and back-biting are unavoidable in any situation where you see same people regularly over an extended period of time. In some cases, the gossip only happens if you fail to strictly adhere to local norms (any body here grow up in a small town where every old lady looking through the blinds knows your family history back five generations?) or you are from the wrong side of the village. Sometimes, the group is very competitive, and looking for the tiniest thing to blow up into gossip. Dancers are more likely to fall into the latter category. (If you think ballroom dancers are bad, imagine teen-aged ballet dancers...)

The more people whose opinions of you matter to you, the less likely you are to be happy. Because you really can't please everyone. It's easy to be happy if you are a narcissist, but I can't say I recommend that either. ;-) It is good to pick and choose whose opinion really matters to you. And that little garden of opinion needs to be tended, will sometimes need some pruning, and will sometimes get a new flower.

[fascination]

one of the best things that ever happened to me when I changed pros was that I made a conscious decision about how social I would be there...I do not expect a support system out of my studio and I don't hand my vulnerabilities to people on a silver platter and I don't let any struggle I might have see very much daylight at the studio...I go, I dance, I exchange pleasantries, I leave...it is wonderful

[DrivenSubstance]

well after a good night of dancing for once my passion has been rejuvenated. I agree with the previous post that dancing is just part of our lives because we choose it to be so we should take the lows with the highs and vice versa.

[latingal]

I have heard fasc's story a lot, and have experienced it myself. I think after you've gotten burned once or twice, you stop sticking your finger in the fire....

[toothlesstiger]

one of the best things that ever happened to me when I changed pros was that I made a conscious decision about how social I would be there...I do not expect a support system out of my studio and I don't hand my vulnerabilities to people on a silver platter and I don't let any struggle I might have see very much daylight at the studio...I go, I dance, I exchange pleasantries, I leave...it is wonderful
+1 on this.
I do not expect the people at my studio to become my friends, they are acquaintances.

[danceronice]

+1 on this.
I do not expect the people at my studio to become my friends, they are acquaintances.

I would slightly disagree with this in one respect: I don't ASSUME that because people go to the same studio/work at the same studio as I do, they're automatically my friends, but I would not be averse to someone becoming my friend.

Maybe it's easier if you're married or work in a job where you have lots of coworkers in your demographic or you have kids so there are other parents you have to interact with, etc. so you just make a lot of friends other places. But it seems very limiting to me to just say "I go to this place for X and am not going there to make friends."

[fascination]

perhaps...but I don't have an abundance of friends, just a handful of really good ones :)...I have many friendly acquaintances at my studio, but friendship *to me*the degree to which I don't wish to be open to at a place where the option of "punting" would be difficult if things went badly...just like neighbors...there is certain terrain where, while I might be open to being available to someone who needed me, it would be a good long while and much observation of the scenario before I ever contemplated taking a risk...and a studio is one of those places...folks don't have to agree...and whatever works for them is fine...my POV simply works very nicely for me...

[Piggles]

+1 on this.
I do not expect the people at my studio to become my friends, they are acquaintances.

Me too! Me Too!

Danceronice, I think the key world is expect. It's a bonus if I truly develop a friendship at work or at a studio, but not an expectation. Similarly, I don't expect my teacher to be my friend. Just someone I enjoy my lessons with. If he considers me a friend, hey, bonus! ;)

[toothlesstiger]

It's a matter of circumstances and caution. If someone sees me doing something I'd rather they didn't see at a big grocery store, yeah, it's a little embarrassing, but it's not likely I'll see them again, and even if they do, we probably won't remember each other. I can easily put it behind me.

If I have an incident at a dance studio I have been going to for a while, everyone will remember, and they will probably continue to talk about it for months or years, depending on how big an incident. I won't be able to put it behind me. That means that I am going to be careful. As they say about dating co-workers, "Don't $#!7 where you eat."

I am careful. Thank being said, all of my romantic connections in the last 10 years were made at dance studios.

[Chris Stratton]

It's a matter of circumstances and caution. If someone sees me doing something I'd rather they didn't see at a big grocery store, yeah, it's a little embarrassing, but it's not likely I'll see them again, and even if they do, we probably won't remember each other. I can easily put it behind me.

That would make the frozen foods aisle the best place to try out new choreography, no?

[DrivenSubstance]

I am careful. Thank being said, all of my romantic connections in the last 10 years were made at dance studios.

That is one thing I have always avoided but it does cross my mind, often, who knows?

[toothlesstiger]

That is one thing I have always avoided but it does cross my mind, often, who knows?
While I found dancing enjoyable in and of itself, I'd certainly be lying if I said I was trying to avoid dating ladies I danced with. But, again, discretion was important to me, I didn't want to become, or make someone else, the object of dance studio gossip.

[Naululani]

dancingirldancing,
Do you dance with a partner or Pro/Am ?

[danceronice]

dancingirldancing,
Do you dance with a partner or Pro/Am ?

She's an am--they don't have Pro/Am there, or at least not much.

[tanya_the_dancer]

+1 on this.
I do not expect the people at my studio to become my friends, they are acquaintances.

Define "friend". I refer to a lot of people as friends, but according to some definitions I've heard, they're all acquaintances, and then I don't really have any friends at all.

[govnu]

Standing aloof from the conflict at your studio seems to be the resolution rather than torturing by it. You are the master of the money in your pockets. Find another studio where treats you better. Changing a new studio is easier than changing one’s PERSONALITY or a new working place.

Unless there is only one studio in your area, consult your dance peers which studio/venue is the best. For my area, there are more than 100 choices within 30-minute drive!

Let complex be simple.

[toothlesstiger]

Define "friend". I refer to a lot of people as friends, but according to some definitions I've heard, they're all acquaintances, and then I don't really have any friends at all.
For me, friends are people I go out of my way to spend time with. The people I see in the dance studio, for the most part I don't see them anywhere other than dance settings. They don't come to my house, I don't go to theirs, etc. I have friends I have met in a dance setting, where we progressed from acquaintance to friendship. Just like there are people from work, and other settings, where we have made that transition.

[dancingirldancing]

Hi guys, we (DP & I) finally confronted the person who started the rumors and he was suffice to say very embarassed about what happened.

We also had talked to our coaches about the issue and now they have more understanding on what happened hopefully this can put a stop to all the stupidity.

Basically the rumors were that we were going out together (bad thing consideringw we are both in relationship) and we were possibly splitting up or that we were trying to find new coaches as we didnt want anyone at the studio to find out about our 'affair'. None of them were true of course.

However, our coaches were furious that we were supposedly looking around for a new coach behind their back. Again, not true of course !

It all gave us headache but at the end we havent done anything wrong or inappropiate so we'll just tell this person to go get stuffed.

Also, funnily enough this person's partnership has not been going very well and now he is the one splitting from his partner.

So it could possibly be jealousy that we are doing well !

[toothlesstiger]

Congratulations on putting it behind you.

[3wishes]

Excellent News DGD! Way to handle the "stuff" and taking a high road to clear up the misconceptions with your coaches is a wonderful thing to do.

[DrivenSubstance]

DGD, I can totally relate to you I had the same issue last year. A motto I follow is that assumptions is the mother of all "beep"ups...

[CANI]

Great job addressing everything directly with the people involved -- nicely done!! :)

[dancingirldancing]

Just want to say thank you to everyone for the help !

I really do not like confronting people and usually just take the path of silence but sometimes one has to go outside one's comfort zone.

At least I know in the time of trouble who is my friend and who isn't.

DP & I are still together and we are ok with our coaches now.

Thanks once again !