When your partner won't pull his weight

[Ecclesiastes3_4]

I have a competition next weekend, and my partner doesn't seem interested in practicing at all. He blew me off twice last week and this week when I asked him about his availability he gave me a wishy-washy noncommittal not-answer.

I'm confused because this isn't like him at all. He's usually very dedicated and reliable. I don't want to get him upset but at the same time I won't embarrass myself and my team on the dance floor.

So I guess...what should I do? How should I handle it?

[fascination]

be direct...ask what is going on..inform without shame or anger that your sense of what is needed to do well is not happening and you have a minimum standard for what constitutes being able to feel comfortable and ready to compete

[Ecclesiastes3_4]

be direct...ask what is going on..inform without shame or anger that your sense of what is needed to do well is not happening and you have a minimum standard for what constitutes being able to feel comfortable and ready to compete

It's the "without shame or anger" part that I have a hard time with. Even if I don't mean to sound angry, I'm afraid I will or he will take it that way.

[opendoor]

..don't want to get him upset but ..

But now you are susceptible to blackmail. Please forgive me this expression, as a non-native speaker I haven´t got a milder word on hand. The problem with the competition may persist already for some time and breaks out now. Ask him to pull the current thing through but also offer to discuss this hobby in general without reservation afterwards. Clearly ask him if he wants to withdraw from competitions, or from dancing at all. May be he only wants to change the style. You can tell him that you must be sure about this questions because otherwise you ought to seek for a new DP in future. Don´t hinge on him, otherwise you will lose your own options.
.

[Joe]

How about you cut him some slack? Maybe he's got something going on in his life that he doesn't want to share. Maybe he got sacked, or maybe he has terminal cancer.

[Peaches]

You could ask what he needs from you at this time. Tell him you've noticed a change, it seems like there is something going on, and does he need you to step up and help/cut him some slack/give him some space/whatever.

[fascination]

It's the "without shame or anger" part that I have a hard time with. Even if I don't mean to sound angry, I'm afraid I will or he will take it that way.
don't do it until you can do it kindly...for reasons Joe elucidated...as to his reaction, you are not in control of that

[Ecclesiastes3_4]

How about you cut him some slack? Maybe he's got something going on in his life that he doesn't want to share. Maybe he got sacked, or maybe he has terminal cancer.

I don't appreciate the tone of your response.

When we signed up to compete, that came with a commitment to be ready for it. Maybe something has come up, but that doesn't give him license to jerk me around and waste my time. He needs to tell me if he can't follow through on his commitment.

[danceronice]

I don't appreciate the tone of your response.

When we signed up to compete, that came with a commitment to be ready for it. Maybe something has come up, but that doesn't give him license to jerk me around and waste my time. He needs to tell me if he can't follow through on his commitment.

Wow. Given the tone of THIS response, he's probably afraid to say anything.

You have no right to be pissy if you don't ask him directly what is wrong and what's changed, because most people don't change their behavior abruptly on pure whim. Peaches gave a good example of how to phrase it without sounding angry. Consider it practice for the rest of life. There ARE things, believe it or not, that are more important than a competition and he could, as Joe bluntly put it, be dealing with them.

[ViviDancer]

Wow. Given the tone of THIS response, he's probably afraid to say anything.

You have no right to be pissy if you don't ask him directly what is wrong and what's changed, because most people don't change their behavior abruptly on pure whim. Peaches gave a good example of how to phrase it without sounding angry. Consider it practice for the rest of life. There ARE things, believe it or not, that are more important than a competition and he could, as Joe bluntly put it, be dealing with them.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[fascination]

okay...let's all chill...ecclesiastes...first and foremost, I would encourage you, particularly given your username (which suggests something to me about your values), to cultivate some humility and charity...understand that not every person going through a difficulty copes by verbalizing it...some people shut down and cannot function...and cannot articulate that..like, alot of men....is it fair to you?...well...no...but do try to anticipate him in kindness and approach him with a desire to understand...if you don't get info...then kindly tell him that you thank him for the partnership and what it brought but that due to his lack of availability, you no longer wish to retain it

[Ecclesiastes3_4]

Thank you, fascination.

I apologize to anyone I may have offended.

[fascination]

:)..you didn't offend me, for what it's worth...but I thought perhaps if I said, in a gentler tone, what I think Joe was getting at, you might appreciate why your response to him was making others prickly...it's all good ...at least I hope it is

[fascination]

and...one weekend before a comp...I tend to get a bit strung out at juncture as well

[danceronice]

Not offended, either, just figured if you came across speaking as you were in print, he might be scared to say something!

Fasc brings up something else--is it possible you're worried about the competition and you're stressing more than his changed behavior warrants? Stress can do strange things. It is a competition, yes--but it's JUST a competition. Remember that, and ask him calmly!

[Joe]

I don't appreciate the tone of your response.

When we signed up to compete, that came with a commitment to be ready for it. Maybe something has come up, but that doesn't give him license to jerk me around and waste my time. He needs to tell me if he can't follow through on his commitment.
Let's say you had a competition coming up and your mom died the week before. Do you think you'd be spending a lot of time practicing for this comp?

[nucat78]

I'm surmising that E means that if there's a problem, DP should tell her there's a problem. Doesn't mean he has to give her any personal details, just tell her something is up that's distracting / bothering him.

But he might be fearful or unable to even do that, so I agree that she should lay it out nicely but clearly - "If you can't compete right now, that's ok, but I might need to partner with somebody else". Then he can decide how he wants to respond and she can move on, if need be.

[tanya_the_dancer]

Let's say you had a competition coming up and your mom died the week before. Do you think you'd be spending a lot of time practicing for this comp?

Don't you think in this case you have to let your partner know? Because frankly if you have something like that happen so close to the comp, you'd have to cancel.

[Peaches]

I guess I don't really agree on the idea that the OP has a right to know what's going on in her partner's life. His life, his business.

What she does have the right to know is what sort of commitment she can expect, the time frame (if any) of the current situation, and/or his suggestion as to what would be the best course of action for her to take. (As in, "it's a temporary situation, please forgive me, I expect to be back in the game next week/month/whatever" versus "you might want to look for another partner" versus "please keep on my back about it and keep reminding me.")

His business is his business. The only bit, IMO, that is her business is the practical matter of how it affects her.

[fascination]

agree...he may be a jerkface, he may be in crisis......at some point he has a responsibility to either honor that committment or let her know that he can't...the only really issues are how understanding she chooses to be ...which may vary based upon why he has currently let her hanging...but, absent an explanation, she can either assume something charitable or not...and then respond in a manner that says something about who she is...not who he is

[dbk]

Wow. Given the tone of THIS response, he's probably afraid to say anything.

You have no right to be pissy if you don't ask him directly what is wrong and what's changed, because most people don't change their behavior abruptly on pure whim. Peaches gave a good example of how to phrase it without sounding angry. Consider it practice for the rest of life. There ARE things, believe it or not, that are more important than a competition and he could, as Joe bluntly put it, be dealing with them.

I'd say she has a right to be a little pissy, if he agreed to a certain amount of practice and then blew her off without telling her why. It's like breaking a date; the burden of explanation rests on the person who suddenly changes, not on the person left hanging.

That said, it's not going to do her any favors to approach him while pissy. OP, I would suggest instead of focusing on "why have you been missing practices," focus on "where do you see this partnership going, how much time do you want to spend practicing, etc.?" Plan for the future, based on what is going on with both of your lives.

[fascination]

exactly...particularly with a comp one week away...one can understand the frustraton....but approaching a person that way very rarelyimproves things...sometimes it is neccessary, though...some people understand no other frequency

[quixotedlm]

Wow. Given the tone of THIS response, he's probably afraid to say anything.

You have no right to be pissy if you don't ask him directly what is wrong and what's changed, because most people don't change their behavior abruptly on pure whim. Peaches gave a good example of how to phrase it without sounding angry. Consider it practice for the rest of life. There ARE things, believe it or not, that are more important than a competition and he could, as Joe bluntly put it, be dealing with them.

I disagree that Ecclesiastes3_4 doesn't have the right to be upset.

I do agree that higher priority things can come up in an unexpected manner, her partners behavior can certainly be explained by that, and even be understandable - but not excusable.

Not communicating proactively is just plain wrong. He doesn't need to share his secrets, but he does owe a conversation that he initiates, that might be as simple as letting her know that he has something going on that is distracting him, bringing the partnership to a temporary or permanent end, or causing him to feel like he needs a break from this competition etc.

[danceronice]

If you are not willing to bring it up, but rather are stewing about it, you forfeit the right to legitimate annoyance, unless the person you're mad at happens to be a telepath. You can't expect people to psychically know you're upset about something if you don't tell them that you are, or magically know what it is you're mad about if you're pissy to them. If it's upsetting, bring it up, don't just get angry that he's not holding up his end. Too many people expect others to be mind readers and get mad when they're not.

Really, the time to say something is when he says "I have things," "life is really crazy." That's the point to say "And we have a competition soon, are you still able to commit to that?" There's a deadline, getting angry won't help.

[quixotedlm]

If you are not willing to bring it up, but rather are stewing about it, you forfeit the right to legitimate annoyance, unless the person you're mad at happens to be a telepath. You can't expect people to psychically know you're upset about something if you don't tell them that you are, or magically know what it is you're mad about if you're pissy to them. If it's upsetting, bring it up, don't just get angry that he's not holding up his end. Too many people expect others to be mind readers and get mad when they're not.

Really, the time to say something is when he says "I have things," "life is really crazy." That's the point to say "And we have a competition soon, are you still able to commit to that?" There's a deadline, getting angry won't help.

I want a "Like" feature on DF :)

[fascination]

well look...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that if you have a comp coming in a week and you are blowing off attempts at conversation from your partner...um...she is not going to take that well...while there may be mitigating circumstances and one should be given the benefit of the doubt, you can't expect that anyone is going to take that sort of thing particularly well...especially with no feedback

[danceronice]

There are two explanations for the behavior:

1. There is something huge that happened to him (illness, death, failed a major exam, laid off, whatever) and they don't notice and/or are unable to prioritize the partner's anger or think about the competition. Unless you're a long-term couple who've been competing together seriously, "dance partner" is probably not high on most people's emergency call lists.

2. They genuinely don't realize there's a problem. Possibly they don't think they need that much work or don't want to stress out practicing a ton right before the competition. I don't sweat it if I miss a lesson before a comp--it surprised me when another pro at new studio was surprised I wasn't trying to cram in an extra lesson. I don't like to overprep and the more I try to do 'at deadline', the worse things become. Maybe they figure if it IS important to her, she'd say something. Since she doesn't say anything to HIM that makes it clear she's upset, he figures things are fine.

Well, there's possibility three, that he's doing it on purpose to annoy her, but that seems somewhat less likely, though maybe I'm being too credulous.

Either way, you don't ask, you don't know, you can't be mad at him for not knowing.

[leee]

A lot of this speculative dancing around the possibilities (pardon the pun) could be rendered moot just by asking him what's up, no? I mean, it's completely understandable, given the circumstances, to directly ask and to expect an honest answer, if I'm not mistaken.

[davedove]

2. They genuinely don't realize there's a problem. Possibly they don't think they need that much work or don't want to stress out practicing a ton right before the competition. I don't sweat it if I miss a lesson before a comp--it surprised me when another pro at new studio was surprised I wasn't trying to cram in an extra lesson. I don't like to overprep and the more I try to do 'at deadline', the worse things become. Maybe they figure if it IS important to her, she'd say something. Since she doesn't say anything to HIM that makes it clear she's upset, he figures things are fine.


I'm glad someone brought this up, as I had been wondering the same thing. Of course, we don't know the whole history of the relationship, so we don't know how long they've known each other.

But you're right, people prepare for things in different ways. I like to run through things a few things a few times and then step back and relax. Some people want and need to continuously drill themselves up until the final moment. Nothing is wrong with either approach, but if you have partners with two different preparation styles, that can cause a lot of friction.