Social dancing for lonely people

[pygmalion]

The US holiday yesterday made me think of this one.

I remembered a story that one of my former teachers used to tell about another of his students. The student became very, very upset with him when he insisted on taking a day off ON THANKSGIVING, rather than giving her the regularly scheduled Thursday afternoon lesson. She was very upset. She had no family, no plans and nothing to keep herself busy on a major holiday. So she wanted to dance.

In fact, I've noticed, especially the franchise studios, but other dance studios as well, tend to schedule socials regardless, except for the biggest of holidays. They seem to understand that many of their constituents are lonely people, or people looking for something to keep themselves occupied.

So, here's a question. (Nothing too personal is required by way of response, btw, unless you want to share.) What have you seen in terms of social dancing and the role it fills in people's lives? Have you also seen lots of people out dancing to keep the loneliness at bay? Is that a good thing?

[DanceMentor]

I think there are a least two profiles of lonely people:
1) They almost take private lessons exclusively, with limited exposure to group classes, parties, dance clubs, and other schools. I don't believe this is a very healthy situation.
2) They don't have much family in town, but they have somewhat of an extended family through dancing, and go to parties and clubs on a regular basis. I think this profile is a little healthier.

[pygmalion]

Yes, DM, I agree. This lady fit the first profile, which I think can be a very dangerous one, especially for the student. It's very easy for students in that situation to form unhealthy emotional dependencies on teachers. I've seen a couple students who have really come to view their teachers aa family, and who use relationships with teachers to fill empty spots in their personal lives.

To be honest, I see nothing wrong with that, if the "family" feeling or friendship is reciprocated. But in the scenario I mentioned, clearly, the teacher viewed the student as a client, while the student was looking for something more from the teacher. (Incidentally, the "something more" was by no means romantic. He was young and gay. She was retirement age and straight. She saw him as a son, it appeared to me. He saw her as a customer. That was dangerous for both parties, if you ask me.)

As you said, though, I think there are healthy ways for "lonely people" to use dancing in their social lives.

[Purr]

I remembered a story that one of my former teachers used to tell about another of his students. The student became very, very upset with him when he insisted on taking a day off ON THANKSGIVING, rather than giving her the regularly scheduled Thursday afternoon lesson. She was very upset. She had no family, no plans and nothing to keep herself busy on a major holiday. So she wanted to dance.


Last Christmas Eve I went to a Latin styling group class, which is held every Wednesday. Only me and one other student showed up for the class, which ususally has at least ten students. The lady instructor taught the class just for us. You could say the feeling was if the student wanted to dance, the studio was going to be there.

I could have spent the entire Christmas Eve with my mother. However, I enjoyed the class, and I didn't want to miss it. So I went.

[Sagitta]

I suppose people do dance for loneliness. To what extent people do this can be determined by what happens when a class is cancelled or there is no dancing for a certain period, such as that lady. I enjoy dancing and want to learn the different dances, hence my days are almost all filled. However, as soon as I have reached a certain level I look forward to having some more free time as I won't be taking as many classes. And actually, even though this could be almost sacrilege, I actually need those days off, to catch up with non-dancing friends, and do the 101 other things that I love doing. :)

[Sasashay]

pygmalion wrote:

What have you seen in terms of social dancing and the role it fills in people's lives? Have you also seen lots of people out dancing to keep the loneliness at bay? Is that a good thing?


Most of the people I've met dance because they love it and have a passion for it. Dancing is good exercise, and if it also helps to keep loneliness at bay, I think that it is a good thing. It sure beats getting in and out of unhealthy relationships, as many people tend to do, because they're lonely :D

[pygmalion]

Hi Sasashay. Welcome. :D

You make a good point. Dancing is a lot better than a string of transient romantic relationships, IMHO. 8)

[Flat Shoes]

A lot of my social life is based on the activities I do daily. I am busy with different activites almost every day of the week. When I meet friends outside the regular activities it's usually in order to do something. In other words, my days are packed.

Then, when summer and christmas hollydays arrive, I suddenly feel that I have a lot more spare time to fill. Instead of one or two days a week with time off to relax or see friends outside activities, I have six or seven days a week for doing the same. This often leads to a bit of restlessness and emtiness. Suddenly there's a need to actviely contact people in order to be social, and I'm not used to doing that.

While this is a bit different situation, I can relate to the feeling of the person who feels lost and empty when they have to sit home alone on those special days.

[Sasashay]

Hi pygmalion, thanks for the welcome :D

In reply to Flat Shoes.....I'm not sure where you live, but have you thought about joining USABDA and/or a dance club. USABDA usually has 1-2 dances a month and most dance clubs have one dance or more per week. I belong to the Desert Swing Dance Club in Palm Springs, and they have a dance every Tues, Fri and Sun. Also, there is a choice of places to go and dance every night if I wanted at the different clubs and casino lounges. The good thing is, you don't really need a partner as there are plenty of singles around :)

Dance camps are also good ways to keep busy, as they can last anywhere from 3 days to a week. There are quite a few of them offered during the holiday season, as well as throughout the rest of the year. I go to about 6 a year, and the camps can vary from ballroom, swing, country or salsa :D

[Chris Stratton]

Obviously a lot of people give dancing a try in hopes of meeting others.
But in reality, neither of the two real "pool of knowledge" ballroom dance establishments - the studios and the competitor community - manage to promote the ballroom flavor of dancing as an accessable enough activity to create the kind of large and balanced interest numbers that would be needed to make it a functional singles scene. Sure, matchups do happen, but to a minority of the people involved. Or the matches seem strained, such as the teacher-young student one in that other thread.

Realistically, the studios are good at recruiting pro-am students. And the competitor community is good at recruiting competitors. But at least for ballroom, it's unclear that anyone is acheiving great success at increasing the numbers of active, competent but non-obsessive social dancers.

[dancin_feet]

I guess I fall into this category. :oops:

I have recently cut back on my classes for financial reasons and the group schedule has been changed around at the studio. I now have all my dancing on one night, leaving the rest of the week free. About two weeks of this was all I could take so I have started doing an extra group class in the middle of the week.

When the studio shuts down over the holidays, yes I feel a bit lost. Though now I have developed some good friendships with some of the other students, so next time probably won't be so bad.

[pygmalion]

That's true, Chris. :? People looking for romance in the ballroom world will most likely be disappointed, sad to say.


What about the people who are just looking for company or something to do on Friday night? Can dance fill that void?

Another anecdote. Another dance teacher (golly! these guys have big mouths!) told me that, at his former studio, the students, mostly in their seventies, would show up HOURS early for the weekly Friday night party. The party started at 9:00, and they'd start showing up at around 7:00. These folks were THAT anxious to get out of the house and do something social. Hmm...

[Chris Stratton]

That's true, Chris. :? People looking for romance in the ballroom world will most likely be disappointed, sad to say.

Romance is just the most obviously extreme example. Friendship-seekers may still find some frustrations, though age & gender may be less of an issue.

What about the people who are just looking for company or something to do on Friday night? Can dance fill that void?

Yes, but

the students, mostly in their seventies, would show up HOURS early for the weekly Friday night party.

Clearly they were looking for something to do more than just Friday night. Dancing itself might be great, but apparently it wasn't leading to any other ways of spending time in the company of others. I can't help but wonder if the students interacted while waiting, why they wouldn't manage to make the jump to getting together elsewhere at other times. Or were they just solitarily waiting for the teachers they planned to dance with to show up?

I guess my point is that ballroom collectively seems better at issuing a weekly fish ration than at teaching fishing.

[DancePoet]

1. "What have you seen in terms of social dancing and the role it fills in people's lives?"

I suspect the role of dancing in people's lives certainly varies. I originally took this up because it looked like a fun and useful social skill for reunions, company events, weddings, and other social dance situations. It has developed into a healthy way to relieve stress which is what most athletic type activitees can help do. Additionally, the competitive side increases the speed at which I learn, improving my dance skills, and frankly, creating a sense of pychological happiness and joy, which appeals to one of our highest need's, self-esteem. Dancing socially on a weekly or monthly basis also serves the same function as any other social activity. Most of us are social creatures interacting with others throughout our lives. Dance is like other types of activitees that create a sense of community and meet our individual needs to connect with others.

2. "Have you also seen lots of people out dancing to keep the loneliness at bay?"

I don't know lot's of people that dance to keep loniness at bay. I am sure it happens, even if only occassionally, and it might actually occur more then I am aware of likely a variety of reasons. Being comfortable with ourselves in situations where we feel lonely is an important part of learning to develop, improve, and maintain our individuality. This is an ongoing process that puts us in a position to form close relationships with others, too. We need to balance focus on self with focus on the people we interact with as part of our regular lives.

3. "Is that a good thing?"

It can be good and bad. To much time spent on an activity that permits us to avoid dealing with individual or community activitees can't be good. Yet, having an activity that helps us improve our personal and social lives, and doesn't create an imbalance in our responsibilities, can go a long way towards enhancing the joy we seek in life.

[Hank]

I know 5 dance teachers who married their students, but I only know 6 married couples who were both dance students when they met. Yet, the ratio of dance students I know to dance teachers is at least 40:1.

Dancing appears to be a great place for dance teachers to find a mate, and a terrible place for dance students. My single friends and I have spent countless hours speculating on explanations for this phenomenon, to no avail. We've concocted theories based on the demographics, personality types, and income of dancers and based on the dance studio environment. But, at the end of the dance, we all go home alone.

[Spitfire]

What I've seen are people coming to dancing as a way to help deal with a life change experience such as a widowment or divorce and dancing certainly has been a blessing and a benefit for them. 8)

[Chris Stratton]

Dancing appears to be a great place for dance teachers to find a mate, and a terrible place for dance students. My single friends and I have spent countless hours speculating on explanations for this phenomenon, to no avail.

My guess would be that amateur & student dancers don't tend to have the kind of in-depth interaction that might lead to a relationship when there is a difference in dancing level, wheras teachers are more in a position to interact with students of all levels from beginner through the point where the student might even turn pro. If non-pros tend to primarily have in-depth interaction only with comparable level people, then their prospects are much smaller - at the low levels only a minority of participants stick with dancing for very long or put in long hours during which they might get to know others well, and at the upper amateur levels the number of people involved in dancing is really small. In a pro-am setting where there might be even less student/student interaction, odds would be even less in the student's favor.

[salsachinita]

I wonder if non-studio oriented scenes are similar, re playing a role to fill in voids from people's lives.

Anyone :? .........?

[squirrel]

Yes I think people use dancing to avoid loneliness... and this is sometimes sad... it happened to me too, but in the sense that I discovered dancing when I broke up with a boyfriend and had nothing better to do! And yes, I was feeling lonely, but it was due to the fact that I was used to being with him...
Sometimes people discover friends while dancing... others just realize how lonely they are and how they cannot relly do anything about it! I saw people coming to the club and just standing there alone, without having actually made any friends... I don't understand why...

[Flat Shoes]

In reply to Flat Shoes.....I'm not sure where you live, but have you thought about joining USABDA and/or a dance club......

I'm part of the local dance scene. But since it's small there's not much activity during the summer. But my own situaion was not the point here.

What I tried to convey with my post was the effect of becoming dependent on a certain way of spending your time, and what happens if that suddenly is taken away from you. And I used myself as an example, where I'm very used to my activities filling my time for me. And without them I need to actively spend my time in a different way that I'm not used to. And that can give a feeling of loss. The same feeling I guess those who are dependant on that one dance lesseon a week that gets taken away from them are feeling.

The danger is getting to dependant on too few things, and not having anything to fall back on when those are taken away from you.

Which is something people here who have dance as their only passion in life should think about. Imagine dancing being taken away from you, maybe through an accident hurting your legs. What do you have to fall back on? Will your dancing friends still be your close friends?

[Flat Shoes]

What I've seen are people coming to dancing as a way to help deal with a life change experience such as a widowment or divorce and dancing certainly has been a blessing and a benefit for them. 8)

This does not only go for dancing. All kinds of activites can fill the void left by someone leaving, or something lost.

Some years ago when I had a though break-up with my then long time girlfriend, I started exercising. Instead of spending my time sulking and just thinking about the break-up, as I did the first month or so, I actively shifted my life around and started focusing on doing new things.

Me starting dancing may be a result of that, even though I started dancing two or three years later. But I think it's a result of the way I shifted my life around, from filling my life with my girlfriend to filling my life with activities. And as a bonus, being involved with and showing a passion for different activities are a great way of meeting women :D (A great tip for those looking for a girlfriend.)

As I wrote in the previous post, the danger lies in getting too dependent on one thing, that being your wife/family or your dancing or anything else. You should have more than one thing in your life, so that if you're unlucky and one thing is taken away from you, you can fall back on something else and not end up just feeling lost, lonely and despair.

[MacMoto]

This thread is really making me think...

I didn't start dancing to fill a void, but since my recent marriage break-up I've been spending a lot more time dancing than before. I can see that I could easily become one of those "dance-dependent lonely people"...

Having said that, in a way I was a lonely person with a dependency problem before the break-up. For a very long time I had virtually no social life outside my relationship with my now ex (and I blame myself for this, not him), and dance really opened up a new life for me, which obviously he didn't like. Now he's moving out of my life and I'm left with my dance-based social life. Oddly enough, I find this situation somehow healthier than my previous, very closed life...

Yes, I can see the danger of becoming totally dependent on dance like the lady Jenn mentioned (I can only hope I won't), but at the same time I do feel the need to stay where I can be comfortable and happy for a while until I sort my life out and get ready to face the world (so to speak) again. I think it's a matter of fine balance -- not an easy thing.

[DancePoet]

Flat shoes and MacMoto, I like what both of you said.

[salsachinita]

I do feel the need to stay where I can be comfortable and happy for a while until I sort my life out and get ready to face the world (so to speak) again. I think it's a matter of fine balance -- not an easy thing.

Not easy indeed. Sometimes I wonder if dancing (or other activities) are trancient stages between other important stages of your life, or dancing (or other activities) ARE the major things in your life, that other aspects form themselves around these :? .

Three years on, my life is very dance-focused. Still nowhere near an answer, but certainly happier than NOT dancing.........

[Chris Stratton]

Sometimes I wonder if dancing (or other activities) are trancient stages between other important stages of your life, or dancing (or other activities) ARE the major things in your life, that other aspects form themselves around these

Hmm, would it make a difference if someone was dancing with specific goals (such as competition) rather than only to pass the time with others?

[salsachinita]

Let's hear it from the ones who DO compete, shall we......?

More enquiring minds at play :wink: .