Partner Stealing Stories

[starry]

Hi folks, I saw this topic briefly mentioned on another thread so I thought we could share our feelings and experiences on this topic. Is it ever okay to solicit a dance partnership with someone who already has a performance partner? Has this happened to you, or have you done it yourself?

I began working with a performance partner last September. Both he and I never performed before and we were asked by a woman who runs a studio if we would like to present a number at her upcoming showcase. We did so and
after that very first performance a female I know approached me and said "I am going to steal your dance partner." She said it in a way that was half-kidding, you know the way I mean, she was only HALF kidding.

After that performance we were invited to several venues to perform and were offered a gig in which we perform at a local restaurant a few times a month. As a result, we had to put together three routines to present. Now, a second female who shows up at our shows and flirts like crazy with my dance partner actually had to gall to say to him "I think you should teach me your routines, you know, just in case Starry is ever sick or something."

GRRRR! This really ticked me off! I mean, I spend the great deal of time it takes to work with him as we put the routines together and learn together the intricate tricks and patterns, and SHE thinks she can just step in and reap the rewards of MY blood, sweat and, yes, sometimes even tears?

Thirdly, I was in a bathroom at a dance studio social once when a woman I know from the dance scene comes up to me and says, "I just saw your partner ourside and told him that if you and he ever break up, I would like to be his next partner." This was too much for me to take, so I started ranting at her about the women who want to steal my dance partner. That poor woman got all my pent-up anger I'd stored from the actions of her two predesessors! She practically ran out of there! Of the three women, I supposed what she did was really okay. I mean, she just wanted him to know she was available and interested should he ever need another partner. She didn't actaully try to push her way in!

Anyway, these types of actions shock me a bit because I would never myself do anything like these women and solicit a partnership with someone already "taken." Am I wrong?

[Sagitta]

Actually mentioning to someone that you are interested if he/she comes available is not a problem IMO. How this is proposed, however, can really rub people the wrong way if done in an inappropriate manner.

[Chris Stratton]

Partner changes are a fact of life, and may often not be by mutual desire of the dissolving partnership. If there are good reasons for the change, the abandonment is regrettable, but it's not necessarily enough reason to stay together in the long run.

Partner stealing, in the negative sense, would in my mind mean a partner change that happens for bad reasons. My guess is that a partner who can be stolen in this way has a fair chance of being stolen from the thief by yet a different person in relatively short order.

There are of course many intermediate shades of situation too...

[Gumby]

Tales of woe like these are one reason I have been a bit reluctant to search out an am partner. It seems that all people do is search for partners, just get to actually doing something together after weeks/months of developing the partnership, then one or the other jumps ship and they have to start all over again. I'd rather put all that energy into my dancing.

I have been dancing pro/am for quite a while and i am very happy dancing with my pro who is a great teacher as well as a good friend. Some of the teachers at the studio, including him, have been nudging me toward finding an am partner but locally there just isn't anyone dancing smooth and quite frankly I am not sure the potential agro is worth an extended search. The downsides of course are no one to practice with (which results in many hours of practice alone and the constant complaint that I am doing and not responding - sigh) and that big nasty check I write each month. The upside is I get a great partner who will probably keep showing up as long as I write that big nasty check each month.

Anyone have any ideas about building solid dance partnerships? Is it better to set a bunch of ground rules from the start or do you just start dancing and see where it takes you?

[Larinda McRaven]

I have watched my friends go through agonizing pain as partners trade around, feelings get hurt, and no one thinks THEY are doing anything wrong but instead everyone around them is being unfair. Perspective plays a huge role in the outcome of the situation and feelings.

And as Chris said, if they can be stolen away from you, they can probably be stolen away from the next person as well. So you can't take it too personally, although it is hard not to. It is like a personal relationship...if he is open to cheating, he probably will, and there is nothing you can do to change that, and the "other woman" doesn't even have to be special, any other woman would do.

Steve and I have been together a long time, relative to our peers. And that is what I love our partnership. No matter how bad it has gotten, we have always stuck it out together. I am NOT a "grass is always greener" type of person. I am more of a "bang into the wall until you create a door" person, and luckily so is Steve. But the level of commitment must match for any partnership to survive.

I think in this case, you have a legitimate concern that can be dicussed with your parnter. Tell him how excited you are about the partnership and all it offers both of you. Tell him how commited you are, and be honest. Ask his commitment level, and his expectations. I don't think you need to set rules, but you do need to have realistic and honest expectations of yourself and each other.

And I don't think you need to bring up the "other women". To me I would not want to appear jealous petty and insecure. But that is my own quirk. Instead just focus on the positive and the future. A few years back one of our competitors approached Steve for a partnership behind my back. Neither of them told me, I was told by a mutal friend. I don't even think Steve knows that I know this. But it is irrelavant to me. No need to drag it up. He is still here...

As for the other women, there will always be those types that have so little respect for you (and themselves) that they don't mind treading where they don't belong. There is nothing you can do about them, it is a sad fact of life. I might try to find some quick retort to toss back at them when they say things to you like this:
"Hey you better watch out, I want your parnter"
"Well you better be prepared to wait a long time, I am not going anywhere anytime soon."
With a reply like this you take the control away from her(usurping) and give it back to yourself(seniority). So you are not even challenging her ability... you don't want to get into an ability war with people, there is always someone better. But at least you honestly were there first.

Good Luck

[Genesius Redux]

I think it's quite tasteless to approach someone who is in a partnership and ask that person if s/he is interested in moving on. But I think that any relationship based on trust and mutual respect will be strong enough to withstand tasteless intrusions. As Larinda and Chris have said, if you have an open, honest, and trusting relationship, you don't have to worry about anything going on behind your back. Of course partnerships will sometimes dissolve, but while that can be a sad thing it need not end up with someone feeling betrayed as long as both people approach each other with honesty, respect, and affection.

[tasche]

Part of the problem is way we femals think. IN the words of Chris Rock. When guys see a friends girlfriend/partner they think "she's nice I want a girl LIKE that" Women see a firends boyfirend/partner she thinks " I'm gonna get HIM"

[Laura]

I went through some of this with my last Standard partner. He was a total newbie but he learned very fast and we did very well in the short time we were together. I was terrified of losing him, and it seemed that every time I turned around someone else was angling in on him. He made friends with some top local dancers and they'd ask him things like "So, are you going to drop Laura for a better dancer?" Teachers would try to get him to be their Pro/Am student, or to even work with them to turn Pro. Women in class would beg him to practice with them. Everyone was always buttering him up and telling him how great he was and never mentioning me. I felt like chopped liver -- especially since it was all our practicing together that was developing his dancing, not just the weekly private lesson we were taking. It was really hard for me to deal with, especially since our dancing was going so well. It ended with him quitting ballroom, so it wasn't like someone stole him, but the threat of it hanging over me was really difficult to handle -- especially since he was the best partner I'd found in three years of looking.

Fast forward a couple of years. I wanted a Standard partner again and someone suggested a particular guy. He was in a partnership, and I refused to even approach him because I don't ever want to be the person causing the kind of hurt I was feeling previously. However, he and his partner broke up. Not long after I heard this I emailed him and asked him if he'd like to try dancing with me. He did, and it's worked out well for both of us. His previous partner felt rather hurt, even though they were already broken up, and the situation still makes me feel a little awkward, but on the other hand I've now got the best partner I've ever had in all the seven years that I've been dancing.

Partnerships are tricky. I despise partner hunting, but every so often it pays off.

[starry]

Oh, my partner and I are still together, and in fact he gets a chuckle out of the whole thing. I don't feel as if he wants to partner with anyone else. He makes me feel secure in the partnership. It just irks me that women are so bold and waiting in the wings for me to "get sick or something."

I must admit, I think the attention did go to his head a little bit and he teases me about it a little, but one day the situation was turned around a bit. A dancing friend told us that he heard some people talking in a group once as I and my partner walked past them. The friend said as we walked past the conversation stopped and someone said, "Wow, there's Starry, and, um, her partner."

As for me, I wouldn't dream of trading him in. He works very hard for me and has become a dearest friend.

[Hank]

My first dance partner dumped me on the eve of our first competition, after I had already paid non-refundable entry fees of several hundred dollars.

After that experience, I took a different approach to dance partnerships. Before the partnership starts, we write down our goals, the tasks to achieve those goals, the circumstances under which the partnership will end, how many and what competitions we will do, who pays for what, how much we will practice and take lessons together, and from which teacher.

After every competition, we talk about our partnership, what's working and what isn't working, redefine our goals and tasks, and if mutually agreeable, we make a recommitment to continue. Although we are both free to quit at any time, if non-refundable funds have been paid toward a compeitition, the person who initiates the breakup reimburses the other.

Others may prefer a more formal or less formal process, but I find that my approach provides for clarity, commitment, and on-going dialog, which reduces misunderstandings. Finally, I believe that the way to keep a good partner is to be a good partner.

[DancePoet]

Wow! Enjoyed reading all the posts on this thread!

Much to learn here, and hoping to learn even more as this thread develops.

I started lessons late spring/early summer 2003. I didn't start dance to compete, yet have found myself in three competitions already. I enjoy dancing Pro/Am, but dancing Am/Am really seems like it gets at the heart of real dancing.

My first Am/Am partner was the only person I knew who could dance at the same level as me, and she was the only person I knew interested in giving Am/Am a try that was available. Thankfully the event was a small local comp that permitted her and I to team up for an age catagory in between our two ages. Our commitment was really only for our first competition, she was great to work with, and we have been friends ever since. I very much apreciated working with her. We set up joint lessons, practice time, and practiced idividually, too. A good partner to begin entering the world of Am/Am dancing.

My second and third partners were both suggested by my instructor. In both cases they were newer to dance then I, picked things up very quickly, and in some ways they were stronger then I by the time a competition was reached. In each case, we did one style I chose and one style she chose, set joint lessons and practice time, and openly discussed our plans, feelings, and progress. They were committed and determined with the only goal being to dance in the event we were aiming at and nothing beyond.

These experiences have been given me good examples of what to look for in having a longer term partnership some day, but I'm not in a rush. I view myself as having much to learn, and I am thrilled to see the ideas and experiences listed here because I'm sure this will influence how I pick future partners. Thank you!

[salsachinita]

:oops: Not sure if a social-dancing/club-going/salsa-only gal like moi has any business being on this thread, but here it goes:

My very first partner & I were pretty much put together rather hastedly, the event was a (promotional) salsa/lambada comp back in '90. The salsa/latin scene didn't really exist beyond Latino communities/social clubs, and they were having a hard time recruiting participants.

He was an 18 yr old ballroom wiz kid with a bright future. I was a bumbling 19 yr old newbie with two left feet :oops: ........ but for some reasons we danced well together (our story: http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?p=32236&highlight=adam#32236).

Then his Bronze medal/Exhibition partner came to our rehearsal one night. Then Adam told me that he had to pull out of the comp when he came to our next class :shock: .........

His partner threated to dump him unless he dumped me & withdraw from the comp :shock: .........and his best option would be clear. There was no way he was going to jeopardise his dance future just to dance some unknown street dance with a bumbling newbie :cry: :cry: :cry: !

It was less then 3 weeks from the comp. I tried to find a replacement (& went through some really hilmiliating experiences :oops: ) with no success. So we pulled out. I had already paid for the whole thing plus the after party (which he promised would turn up :roll: ). It really wasn't the money. I don't remember ever feeling so rejected in my life, then & since.

I wandered around aimlessly between salsa & ballroom for a little while after that, and decided to join the salsa world & never look back at ballroom again.

..........and I never did.

*Disclaimer: I'm no ballroom basher. Just didn't want to ever get caught in the whole game again (not that there's none in salsa world :roll: )*

[cl5814]

My first dance partner dumped me on the eve of our first competition, after I had already paid non-refundable entry fees of several hundred dollars.

After that experience, I took a different approach to dance partnerships. Before the partnership starts, we write down our goals, the tasks to achieve those goals, the circumstances under which the partnership will end, how many and what competitions we will do, who pays for what, how much we will practice and take lessons together, and from which teacher.

After every competition, we talk about our partnership, what's working and what isn't working, redefine our goals and tasks, and if mutually agreeable, we make a recommitment to continue. Although we are both free to quit at any time, if non-refundable funds have been paid toward a compeitition, the person who initiates the breakup reimburses the other.

Others may prefer a more formal or less formal process, but I find that my approach provides for clarity, commitment, and on-going dialog, which reduces misunderstandings. Finally, I believe that the way to keep a good partner is to be a good partner.

I like your approach a lot - thanks for sharing. I will definitely use this if i am ever lucky enough to have a practice/competition partner.

[pygmalion]

That is a very good approach, Hank. 8)

[DancePoet]

Oh Salsachinita! What a bummer!

The guy likely had little respect for himself, and thus little for you. One shouldn't make commitments unless one intends to keep them.

[squirrel]

I have a Salsa partner, but he was never stolen from me... still, I withdrew from the scene for about 2-3 months and when I came back he was dancing with another woman... I have to confess it hurt a lot! I just stood there in the club, watching them... he danced with me too... but I was jealous that she had taken my place!
In th eend, it turned out they were not getting along and he came back to me... I was happy!!! He's still my partner!

[Sakura]

I have a Salsa partner, but he was never stolen from me... still, I withdrew from the scene for about 2-3 months and when I came back he was dancing with another woman... I have to confess it hurt a lot! I just stood there in the club, watching them... he danced with me too... but I was jealous that she had taken my place!
In th eend, it turned out they were not getting along and he came back to me... I was happy!!! He's still my partner!

:D I'm glad it worked out so well for you Squirrel! Happy endings are always good ones. =^__^=

Sakura Kitty :kitty: