To Women With Husbands That Never Danced But Now Do...

[salsarhythms]

How did you do it?

How did you get your husband (or boyfriend) to learn to
dance with you even after he said he would never?

I ask because I know someone who's having this problem
and she simply does not know what to do...

What can I tell her?

Now even if you have never been in that situation...what would
you do??

:D

[Cist]

the biggest bait for a man (no matter if he is a relationship or not) would obviously be the amount of women he would get to know if he learns how to dance.

this would also freeze jealousy on both sides as long as neither partner stay within the tolerated limits.

[squirrel]

I am not very sure what to tell you... since it may vary from case to case... I have a non-dancing BF and tried to convince him to start taking lessons (which he did)... but it didn't last long... now he's doing his stuff and I am doing mine... we found sort of a compromise... :)

[peachexploration]

Gosh, definitely don't have an answer for this one.. :( Anyone else?

[pygmalion]

Hmm... I asked nicely. That definitely doesn't work. :wink: :lol:

[Hank]

Conflict over dancing is no different from any other relationship conflict, and people whose goal is to change their partner are doomed to a lifetime of misery. Happy relationships are not built on the foundation of "My partner has a defect, and I must fix him into something better." Instead, happy people resolve conflict by working together to find a solution that they both can live with, even if it's only agreeing to disagree. I suggest going to a relationship therapist, reading a self-help book, or watching "Dr. Phil."

[pygmalion]

Good point. My first post was flippant. I agree, Hank. I don't think I ever took the "my partner has a defect," approach to dancing. I did ask, though. And he declined. So I asked again. When he declined again, I accepted that dancing together was something we weren't going to do. No problem. I just kept dancing. End of story. Well... end of part of story that's pertinent to this thread. :wink:

Pardon the religious reference, please. A lot of people who want their spouses/SO's to dance remind me of people who pray and pray and pray for something to happen, never realizing that God has the right to say no. They just figure that, if the answer isn't yes yet, God must not have answered yet. There does come a time, pretty much whatever you're asking, and whether you're asking God or your much more lowly SO, that you have to accept the no. No is also a valid answer. :?

[dTas]

i know couples going through the same dilema. her husband just won't dance, or doesn't take dancing as seriously as the wife. this brings up 2 questions...

why don't they want to dance? my first though is.... CHICKEN! *bock bock* they might say its because they don't have time or interest but i think that's just a cover up for... YELLOW BELLY!

and...

has anyone come across the opposite? where the husband wants to dance but the wife refuses to learn.

[DWise1]

He needs to become motivated to learn. And that motivation must come from within him, not be imposed upon by his SO (ie, no threats nor nagging). He must come to realize, on his own, that it is very important for him to learn to dance.

I decided to start to learn when I realized that my wife and I needed something that we could do together and that she enjoyed. My motivation came in large part from a formal company Christmas party that a friend had invited us to. After dinner the DJ got the dancing started and, because I had never been able to learn to dance (been taught at by over a dozen dancers, all of whom had to give up and write me off as completely lacking any sense of rhythm and completely incapable of ever learning) I spent the rest of the evening very miserably sitting there alone at our table and watching everybody else dancing. Once I did get started learning, it took me about 1.5 years before I could realiably hear and follow the beat and keep the rhythm (in WCS, which I have since transfered to all my other dances -- except for salsa where I just feel and follow the music; not bad for somebody "completely lacking any sense of rhythm").

The main point of my story is that without that inner motivation and desire to learn, I never would have made it through that first 1.5 years. Nor could an externally-imposed motivation have gotten me there, but instead I would have ended up divorced a lot sooner. BTW, dancing has nothing to do with my subsequent divorce (at separation plus 11 weeks and counting), except that it's the only thing that has helped me weather through the divorce and preceeding two hellish years (in class I'm widely known as the guy who's always smiling).

[DWise1]

A lot of people who want their spouses/SO's to dance remind me of people who pray and pray and pray for something to happen, never realizing that God has the right to say no.
This taken from a standard Unitarian call to prayer:
"Let us pray, knowing that prayer does not change things, but rather prayer changes us and we are the agents of change."

And I agree that the answer to common "gimme, gimme" prayers can be -- and should be -- "no". But then I also believe that such prayers are a misuse of prayer.



And now we return to the regularly scheduled topic of this thread.

[Vince A]

This a tough one to answer . . .

I have been competing off and on for over ten years.

I have been married to my present wife for almost four years. If she had not been a dancer . . . we met a dance . . . I would not have dated her, muchless married her.

Together, we've come to be friends with many, many couples, and only one couple that I know of, has a non-dancing husband. Their marriage seems very stable, and she is an advanced dancer, if not a Pro by the time of this writing.

Now granted, some of those marriages have one or the other spouse as a competing or higher level dancer . . . the other may compete or just take lessons so they can dance with their SO every now and then.

In our marriage, my wife is the advanced dancer, yet we are still learning together. I take privates for different reasons than her reason, which is competing. I take lessons to learn different ways to move my body and feet for the non-technical side of dance.

Does any of this mean anything? I don't think so. Many of the couples who do dance (both of them) have relationship-problems - just like all couples who have problems. Dance isn't the cause of it . . . usually the causes are money or a cheating spouse, etc.

But the outcome, because the couple who does try to save their marriage, becomes one of less-to-no more dancing . . . because of what, I don't know.

If dancing is your passion, or even one of them, I'd make sure that I dated and/or married a dancer, even if it meant dancing for only a few more years.

I have a bigger passion than dance, which is playing blues guitar. If my wife didn't play the guitar, would I have married in the beginning? Hell no!

Just kidding, but it certainly helps that she is a musician and professional singer to boot. SHe sings a lot of harmony and lead in our band.



Rememer, this is my observations only, and does not represent any research on the subject.

[cocodrilo]

My husband is not and will never be a dancer, and I will not try to push him into something that he just isn't interested in. He knows I love to dance and I think he is glad I found another hobby which is healthy and allows me to look and feel sexy and is far more economical than my other hobbies(wine/foreign travel, etc). 8)

[pygmalion]

But the outcome, because the couple who does try to save their marriage, becomes one of less-to-no more dancing . . . because of what, I don't know.


This doesn't work either. No flippancy intended. Been there; done that. giving up your passion to save your relationship doesn't work. I tried that route. At least it didn't work for me because (1.) I didn't see any reciprocity -- i.e. the issue on the table was my giving up dance, not each of us giving up something for the greater good and (2.) It's really hard to feel pressured into giving up something you love and not resent the person who's applying the pressure.

[vey]

I do not know about ballroom, but when one of the partners is bitten by a salsa bug the situation becomes difficult after a while (even if both people are mature and do not try to restrict each other's activities).

The main reason for it is that salsa dancing is a life style and, IMHO, life style changes are usually come together with personal growth, life outlook changes, etc., so there is a serious danger of growing apart :(

[pygmalion]

Amen. Except I would say that dancing, not just salsa dancing, can become a lifestyle. And yes to everything else you say. 8)

[salsarhythms]

You all posted some EXCELLENT posts...thank you so much...

Now, what I can say is this:

The only REAL way to make anyone do what you want is
to make them WANT to do that thing in the first place.

I believe it was Dwise that mentioned that it must come from
within...I agree 100%.

There's no such thing as making someone do something. It
must come from that person.

Ok With That In Mind, Allow Me To Re-Phrase:

Being that the only way to get someone to do what you
want, they have to want it, how can you stack the odds in
your favor?

Now, I'm not talking about straight up manipulation, but let's
face it, there's nothing wrong with creating a bit of your own
luck...

What would you say to that?

[peachexploration]

Some how, I think this thread might be relevant to this one. :wink:
I Can't Belive This (http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?t=6126)