When Dancing Is No Longer Fun.... [Archive]

dancin_feet

11-29-2004, 10:15 PM

I agree, taking a break would be the best bet. You've got two issues here, dancing and your life partner. The problem could be either or both so separating the two for a while will help you find out where the problem is. Then again if he still thinks it's fun ....... :?

Dancing with the one person all the time could lead to stagnation and boredom, making dancing seem to be not as much fun as it used to be. Changing your regular routine may give you a new view that you could take back to your regular partner to make things fun again.

On the other hand, there could be other issues with the life partner that dancing is merely highlighting. If you are only experiencing problems on the dancefloor, it could just be that dancing together is getting dull. If it seems to spill out into your home life and other areas, you may need to have a "discussion".

But I would try either giving dancing a break for a while or try dancing with other people.

DanceMentor

11-29-2004, 10:41 PM

Take a break ... definitely

I think I realized a while ago that we may not be World Champions. I also realized that is not her goal. But she really enjoys dancing and so do I.

There will always be times of friction, but we have learned to work through it, and we have been able to increase our practice time, but we still have to take a break sometimes.

pygmalion

11-30-2004, 07:41 AM

Wow, DM. I'm not asking for you to reply openly. Just wondering. Have you thought about what's making it not fun? (I'm assuming this is you we're talking about and not a hypothetical. Please correct me if that's wrong)

Different goals? Different expectations? Communication styles? Just plain old desire to spice up your dance repertoire a bit? If you can figure out what's un-fun, maybe you can address the root cause and solve the problem for a lifetime.

This is not dance-related, but I think it applies. My ex and I used to work together in the same research lab for years. While, at the beginning, it was pretty titillating and fun (especially since our coworkers didn't know we were an item yet :wink: ) after a while, it became a lot less fun. The same habits that were lovable on weekends and after work could be very annoying in the work place. Life partner and work partner are not always good matches.

Maybe the same is true with life partner and dance partner?

cocodrilo

11-30-2004, 08:06 AM

Take a break. Catch up with yourself. Do other fun stuff!

pygmalion

11-30-2004, 08:12 AM

I think the "take a break" advice is very good. Some time away can solve a lot of issues. But, if there's an underlying problem (which, btw, is none of my business 8),) a break won't solve the problem.

Sorry. I've spent too many years doing root cause analysis at work. :oops: But I really do think the same principles apply at home/on the dance floor. If you don't figure out why there's a problem, you're destined to re-live it. Just my thoughts. I could be wrong. (That does happen, occasionally. :wink: )

Chris Stratton

11-30-2004, 08:13 AM

And after the break, if you are ready to get back into it together, it might be worth considering trying to find a coach who can really inspire and help the two of you. And then take a *lot* of lessons - try to get the practice/lesson ratio low enough that you don't run out of things to do in practice and end up just in "ho, hum, another practice with YOU" mode. If there are things one person is having trouble with, taking a few lessons with the same coach but without the other partner might be a way to address that.

pygmalion

11-30-2004, 08:17 AM

It really doesn't make you a bad person, if you don't want to have your SO as your dance partner. A lot of personally successful couples (including some DF members) have dance partners that are totally unrelated to their SO's. Maybe that's a solution that works for you. That's okay. 8)

chachagirlie

11-30-2004, 10:20 AM

Hi DancingMommy!

...I have a question...Is it not fun for both of you?...or just you?

How you proceed could depend on the answer...

If it only not fun for you that is one thing...if it is not fun for each of you that is different.

Everyone has had such excellent suggestions for you...take a break, find a new coach...I would add change dance styles/add a new dance. If all you do is Ballroom, perhaps try something different like Swing, Argentine Tango, Country/Western, or Salsa.

sunderi

11-30-2004, 10:24 AM

I know my husband & I had to start dancing separately when we realized our dance goals were different. He became a pro and I went pro/am with a new instructor.

Now that I'm going to be going pro, as well, we're discussing, again, the possibility of dancing/competing together, but it looks like, for now, we're going to have different partners. For a while, at least.

It's been hard for me to deal with all of this -- he just assumed that when I decided to go pro that he would be my partner. THAT was not an easy conversation to have. But he understood, and got over it, and for now, we really do both believe that dancing with other people is the right thing for us. (It doesn't help that an awful lot of other people don't understand, and also think we should be dancing together.)

In all of this, I had an important revelation that might help you. We all see so many real-life couples dancing together as partners, and for those of us for whom that DOESN'T work, we feel like we've failed somehow. I don't know your particular situation, but one of the things I realized is that most of those couples GOT TOGETHER with someone who was ALREADY their partner. That's an entirely different proposition than BECOMING PARTNERS with someone who you're ALREADY sharing your life with. It's just a totally different situation depending on if you were dance partners first, or life partners first. It's an important distinction.

I know that in order for my marriage to thrive, my husband and I can't be partners. At least for now. That's just the way it is. And being his wife is more important to me that being his partner.

:friend:

DancingMommy

11-30-2004, 12:05 PM

Thanks everyone for the generic replies. ;)

Now on to specifics...

My husband is the world's BIGGEST dance snob... And music snob...

ARGH!!!!

If he doesn't like the song he won't dance. If he doesn't like the tempo, he won't dance. If there's too many people on the floor he won't dance - too crowded he says. If there's not ENOUGH people on the floor he won't dance - doesn't want people to poke holes in his dancing (like he does to everyone else, I might add). He won't dance in mixers because he doesn't want to "corrupt" his dancing. <insert string of words not allowed on dance forums here>

The issues we have aren't coach related. We have the finest coach in our area for Standard. :) He is incredibly inspiring and even though we can't get in every week due to financial constraints (kids & groceries come first - silly us), we do try to practice.

:( Practice is h-e-double-hockey-sticks. The guy is TEMPERMENTAL (think temper tantrums here people) when he can't get it *just so*. Makes me want to smack him into next week. :evil:

I'm not sure if he has an inferiority complex or *what*... Maybe he's intimadated because I *used* to teach? WHo knows. God knows I'm not the *nest* dancer in the world, but I work within my limitiations... Dunno...

Anyways, I've decided that if he doesn't like dancing socially then that is HIS problem not mine and I WILL go out and he WILL watch the kids (since all he's doing is sitting on his donkey and playing video games). I figure if he has to cool his heels at home one night amonth with the kids, he will realize what's up (I don't think this will take more than once, lol). :twisted:

My priest advised me to take some time for myself everyday. I plan to take him up on that. 8)

pygmalion

11-30-2004, 12:12 PM

Ahh. I tried to keep it generic. Glad I don't have to do that anymore. :wink: I can relate to some of your issues. My ex was a real control freak, so working with him became difficult for me, because people were in two camps -- the ones who liked me in spite of him, and the ones who disliked me because of him. Grr.

Go out dancing. I know you're not always impressed by them, but there are a bunch of local dances between now and the holidays -- every Friday AND Saturday. Pick one or two, and go. I'm doing December 3, 11 and 18, if you want to meet up. Since I usually go alone, I end up creating a little group of strays near the back. The conversation is good, and the dancing is decidedly NOT snobbish. Maybe not always great, but not snobbish. 8)

DancingMommy

11-30-2004, 12:53 PM

COOL! December 18 sounds good. That's a Satuday right? PM the location/detail, etc and I'm SO there!!!! :-)

pygmalion

11-30-2004, 12:54 PM

I'll pull down the info and PM you. See you there. :D

tanzsegler

11-30-2004, 02:09 PM

If I ever meet your husband I think that I'll ask him not why he is such a dance snob, but why is it that he likes wrecking other people's good times. (Don't worry, if he takes a swing at me, I won't swing back, I'll waltz away)

Has it ever occured to him that if he is so picky, and unsure of himself that perhaps he should take up a different hobby? Perhaps kniting, or coin collecting?

Get him to take you to a argentine, or salsa dance club. (make him think that it's his idea) There is no such thing as to crowded, your 'supposed' to be there to have fun with everybody, that includes other couples on the dance floor.

Not Enough People; doesn't want people to poke holes in his dancing?! , now both of those are biggest crock full of salamanders that I ever heard. If there are so few people, how are they going to poke holes in his dancing? If he is even somewhat proficient, he shouldn't have a problem with the other couples.

I think that you should take your lessons on your own. Go to dances on your own too. Have some fun, you deserve it, Leave the slug at home with the kids.

Hey moderator, if this is to cricical feel free to remove it.

Chris Stratton

11-30-2004, 02:14 PM

Ah yes, another timely reminder that the line between being a perfectionist and being motivated enough to make progress can be exceedingly thin, especially in the face of frustration.

tacad

11-30-2004, 02:21 PM

Ah yes, another timely reminder that the line between being a perfectionist and being motivated enough to make progress can be exceedingly thin, especially in the face of frustration.
Yeah. This is something I have to consciously careful about. I can make pretty good progress if I do not take it too seriously. If I do I will stop doing the activity, whatever it is, very shortly. This took years to figure out.

ALOD

11-30-2004, 02:28 PM

As you are practicing, I will assume you are working on technique and styling. Video tape an entire practice session, then review the tape to look at the styling and see what else is on the tape. Do not 'sandbag' him with the tape, that is confrontational. If he is making an ass of himself, he will see it himself.

Remember, men are idiots. If you do not believe me, ask my wife and two teenage daughters.

good luck

DancingMommy

11-30-2004, 02:30 PM

Chris you SO totally nailed the problem. He refuses to compete because he "isn't quite there yet" but is a legend in his own mind compared to those [sic] lousy bad dancers (read social dancers).

I *do* love "the slug" very much though. He does have SOME redeeming qualities or I'd have dropped kicked him LONG ago, lol!

In fact, it's really that he is terribly anti-social and I'm a social butterfly....

So the wet-blanket stays home and the party animal goes out!

Chris Stratton

11-30-2004, 02:32 PM

Laura

11-30-2004, 03:25 PM

If he doesn't like the song he won't dance. If he doesn't like the tempo, he won't dance. If there's too many people on the floor he won't dance - too crowded he says. If there's not ENOUGH people on the floor he won't dance - doesn't want people to poke holes in his dancing (like he does to everyone else, I might add).
Uhh, does he even WANT to compete? I know this post is about social dancing but you have talked about competing together and representing Indonesia. Here's the rub: in competition, you have to dance to whatever music they play. It has to be in the tempo range published in the rules, but he doesn't get to pick. He either dances to what is played and act like he likes it or his performance will be sub-par. And if you're going to compete, you have to get out there and dance in the event you entered in, even if the floor is too full or not full enough for your liking. And as for people poking holes in his dancing, that's what dance competition is all about (although some people can be a LOT nicer about it than others, and most people I've dealt with are VERY nice).

I'm not sure if he has an inferiority complex or *what*
Could be. Or it could be that deep down he doesn't want to compete and he doesn't know how to tell you or how to get himself out of it except by making you hate going social dancing with him.

Maybe he's intimadated because I *used* to teach?
Could be. He could be afraid if he doesn't do it perfectly you'll criticise him or feel like he's let you down.

Anyways, I've decided that if he doesn't like dancing socially then that is HIS problem not mine and I WILL go out and he WILL watch the kids (since all he's doing is sitting on his donkey and playing video games). I figure if he has to cool his heels at home one night amonth with the kids, he will realize what's up (I don't think this will take more than once, lol).

Good plan! He doesn't have to like social dancing after all, he just has to not inferfere with your enjoyment of it. Maybe the real issue is that he just hates social dancing. I don't particularly like it myself, I probably only go a few times a year. But if my dance partner wanted to go without me I'd be like "have a good time, see ya!" (He doesn't like social dancing either, though, so we're a good match that way.)

My priest advised me to take some time for myself everyday. I plan to take him up on that. 8)

Excellent advice. Just don't get all passive-aggressive about it: be communicative on your end. Tell him you're taking time for yourself by going social dancing and since he doesn't enjoy it you won't force him to go, and that you'll be home by midnight :-)

DancingMommy

11-30-2004, 03:30 PM

Laura you just said what was in my mind... And believe me... I'm NO shrinking violet... DanceMentor will tell you that, lol!

tanzsegler

11-30-2004, 03:31 PM

So the wet-blanket stays home and the party animal goes out!
yay to dancing for the fun of it with others who are there for the same reason

pygmalion

11-30-2004, 03:40 PM

So the wet-blanket stays home and the party animal goes out!

Good for you! Yay! :banana: :D

Adwiz

12-01-2004, 12:12 PM

DancingMommy, it sounds as if he's very intimidated. I suspect that he wants to look good on the dance floor, and feels as if he isn't measuring up to either his, or yours, or both of your expectations. This can be very frustrating for men, especially if they lean towards perfectionist tendencies.

My wife used to be like that, so I understand how frustrating it is for you. I think she's so hard on herself because in her youth she was a champion in a different dance form, with lots of trophies and medals. With that legacy to live up to, she can't stand not being as good as she wants to be.

Practice was often a nightmare, with tension so tangible you could cut it into blocks and sell it on eBay. She concentrates so hard on technical details that she never looks at me while dancing Latin, which drives me crazy. This technical emphasis also makes her very difficult to lead in both Latin and Standard, because she doesn't free herself to enjoy the connection and just move the way it feels. She is aware of these things and has been working on them, with lots of improvement in recent months.

I solved my frustrations by getting a new partner for serious competition work, though I still compete in senior level Latin with my wife. This eased my tension, because it lets me dance more often and with greater freedom to enjoy the performance. But I've had to learn to be patient with her as well. Find a way to deal with your frustrations by dancing with other people as much as you need to, but be patient as your SO works through these these issues. I'm sure it will pass eventually and he'll begin enjoying himself. Most guys, if they get to that kind of anxiety level with their dancing, are serious enough about dancing that they'll work through it.

DancingMommy

12-01-2004, 01:36 PM

Thanks Adwiz!!!

He truly isn't a jerk! :-) And he is incredibly anal (can we say engineer?) so that would account for part of the difficulty.

I'll update on my outing in December.....

mamboqueen

12-01-2004, 02:03 PM

DM -- if only you lived up here, I could be your partner in crime! My dh is the "wet blanket" of the family and I am the social butterfly. He just prefers the tv....rather sad, but at least I don't have to hire a sitter!

pygmalion

12-01-2004, 04:56 PM

And he is incredibly anal (can we say engineer?)....

I am too, but I am also very social and outgoing. My career coach thinks I'm very strange indeed. Eh. Whatever. 8)

Joe

12-02-2004, 06:16 AM

(can we say engineer?)
You say that like it's a bad thing... :x

mamboqueen

12-02-2004, 08:38 AM

try being married to one!

DM....I think we have twins separated at birth!

pygmalion

12-02-2004, 10:31 AM

Engineers are not all anal retentive ... um ... people. Some of us are very nice. :lol: :lol:

Adwiz sounds like he has the situation here nailed pretty well. 8)

Did I ever tell you about the engineer girlfriend of mine who makes her ballroom teacher calculate out the exact angle of all the patterns, before she can internalize them? Must be really annoying.

mamboqueen

12-02-2004, 02:01 PM

I just had a private last week with a pro who was on the verge of whipping out his geometry book. I cracked up. Everything was in mathematical terms!

Chris Stratton

12-02-2004, 02:09 PM

Ooh, please tell so I can schedule a lesson!

Vin

12-02-2004, 02:12 PM

In defense of engineers and scientists, if we learn how to balance it we can learn how to dance very quickly. The fact that I pay attention to details that others overlook has helped immensely in my dance classes.

sanityhaven

12-02-2004, 03:03 PM

I may be missing something here, but if he doesn't want to compete and doesn't like social dancing then why does he dance?

pygmalion

12-02-2004, 03:50 PM

Maybe he loves dancing but is afraid to fail or to look stupid? A common failing among high achievers, both men and women. *shrug*

DancingMommy

12-02-2004, 04:14 PM

As the daughter (of an engineer) who is married to an engineer (who is "not from around these parts") it makes for an interesting life.....

mamboqueen

12-03-2004, 10:05 AM

I bet there is not a single crooked picture hanging from your walls, DM! And, if you checked the tiles on our basement floor, you wouldn't find a single one that is any further apart than any other one. Projects take long in this house, but to his credit, they're done well!

pygmalion

12-03-2004, 04:03 PM

cocodrilo

12-03-2004, 05:35 PM

My ex (a chemist) was far worse than I (an engineer) when it came to crazy-making detail obsession. I'm actually pretty big picture oriented. Of course, I happened upon engineering by accident, but I am pretty good at it, despite my easy-going nature.

That said, any thoughts or advice on how to get an uptight, afraid-to-fail dancer to just dance? Or is that kind of change something that has to come from within?
Hmm... I think it's all about enjoying yourself. If you really enjoy it, then you don't care whether you're making mistakes. I'm a perfectionist yet when I dance salsa, which I chose because it has almost NO rules(that I don't have to worry about breaking!), I can really let loose, and by doing MY OWN thing, I can express myself. I think being self-confident also helps! :wink:

Bronzestudent

12-03-2004, 11:03 PM

Whenever I think dancing is getting old, I do one of 3 things:

Take a short break from it.

Insist on my teacher teaching me something new and different, that she wasn't planning on teaching me yet. Something I'm ready for, but not necessarily next on the syllabus.

Come to the DanceForums to read and post.

Also, it's fun to go somewhere different to dance. At least, I think it would be fun to do that. I should do that sometime...

tacad

12-04-2004, 01:55 AM

So a mathematician, physicist and engineer are testing a theory: That all odd numbers are prime numbers.

The mathematician: "3,5,7,9.... Oh! 9 is not prime. The theory is false!"

The physicist: "3,5,7,9... Must be experimental error!"

The engineer: "3,5,7,9,11,13,15,...."

pygmalion

12-04-2004, 06:42 AM

Off to the geek thread with you, youngun! :lol: :lol:

DancingMommy

12-04-2004, 10:13 PM

UPDATE!

Had the best lesson ever this week. :-) Such a breakthrough. I'm all veklempt. 8)

And I informed the erstwhile partner that I would be going out *without* him and his poor little face fell. I told him it wasn't that I didn't *want* him there but that he was a drag... he told me he would mend his ways an "even dance in a mixer if [I] want [him] to". ;)

SCORE!!! But he still isn't coming out with me on December 18th, lol! Somebody has to stay home and watch the kids...

Warren J. Dew

12-04-2004, 11:46 PM

I think the "take a break" advice is very good. Some time away can solve a lot of issues. But, if there's an underlying problem (which, btw, is none of my business 8),) a break won't solve the problem.

Absolutely correct. It's basically hiding your head in the sand. Bad idea, in my opinion.

A couple points I would make:

- Ask yourselves, which is more important, the dance partnership or the life partnership? If your answers aren't the same, you're in trouble.

- If the life partnership is more important to both of you, make it clear you'd rather be dancing with him than with anyone else. (You know that's true 'cause he's your life partner as well as your dance partner, and your life partnership is more important than your dancing....) This will help him feel more secure about letting you dance with other people when a piece of music comes on that he doesn't want to dance to. (Who was it who said, 'men are just bundles of insecurities tied together with skin"?)

- Try to find some occasions to dance at where most of the people haven't had any lessons - like weddings, company Christmas parties, whatever. Everyone will think you are wonderful, and the positive reinforcement should help make him more secure about dancing more at your regular dance occasions.

Of course, you can skip all that if you learn how to be blonde. That may be difficult, though.

Laura

12-05-2004, 01:58 AM

What does being blonde have to do with any of this?

pygmalion

12-05-2004, 10:15 AM

Not to be difficult or anything, but this thread contains at least a full page of anal retentive engineer jokes. Said with affection, perhaps, but said nonetheless. Hmm...

That said, good luck with the hubby thing, DM. I suspect he may come around when he sees how much fun you're having without him. :wink:

DancingMommy

12-05-2004, 01:46 PM

Things have already gotten better... Wink wink nudge nudge.... :) :banana: :together:

pygmalion

12-05-2004, 02:29 PM

Young people in love ... so sweet. :wink: :D

DancingMommy

12-05-2004, 02:55 PM

young? <snort>

pygmalion

12-05-2004, 02:58 PM

Young enough to be sweet. :wink: :lol:

DancingMommy

12-05-2004, 03:02 PM

I'm only sweet online. In Real Life I'm a crotchety old bag, lol!

pygmalion

12-05-2004, 03:08 PM

With two little kids constantly underfoot, you have every right to be crotchety. LOL.

And what's that saying about youth and skill being overcome by old age and treachery? :twisted: Whichever side of the youth/old age equation you're on, good luck "helping" your hubby to see your perspective. :wink: :lol: :lol:

tasche

12-07-2004, 12:43 PM

On a somewhat related post do engineering student still through the best parties? In my uni days they did and all the guys at hs that wanted to be engineers starting practicing their party skills early.

Vin

12-07-2004, 12:59 PM

And what's that saying about youth and skill being overcome by old age and treachery?

I don't know it (exactly) in english but the devil knows more by being old than by being the devil.

Mas sabe el diablo por ser viejo que por ser diablo.

Sagitta

12-07-2004, 01:17 PM

Since things are turning out better time to have some fun:

When dancing is no longer fun...

I guess I'll be done!!
2 and 3 feet under mother earth
Hibernating, waiting for rebirth.

When dancing is no longer fun...

The moon will be red
We will have an eclipse of the sun!

Oh when dancing is no longer fun!!

:lol:

Anyone care to add a line or two?

pygmalion

12-07-2004, 05:43 PM

DancingMommy

12-07-2004, 07:15 PM

Mas sabe el diablo por ser viejo que por ser diablo.

Mahss sah-bay ell dee-ah-blow pour sayr vee-ay-ho kay pour sayr dee-ah-blow.

Best I can do for ya!

pygmalion

12-07-2004, 07:16 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks. 8)

dancergal

12-07-2004, 08:00 PM

DM, It's a different story for me. Early last year I experienced "dance burnout." We've been dancing non-stop since I started taking dance lessons 3 years ago and dancing just wasnt' fun for me anymore. My b/f dragged me to every dance convention in our area and they all were scheduled on all the holiday 4 day weekends. Since I work full time, I wasn't able to have any "down time" on these 4 day weekends and I just got soooo burned out. My b/f has a shorter work day and he's a danceaholic anyway and likes to compete. We also had a full schedule of dancing during the week (we used to do 5 to 6 days a week) and did many workshops on weekends and some private lessons. We traveled far and wide for any dance in our area. I got so crabby during and after each dance convention my poor b/f couldn't figure me out!! I just didn't want to be there. We had a few rough moments in discussions, but finally agreed to a take a few breaks from some dance conventions and cut down on how many dances we went to during the week. I also asked him to go to a few dances without me while I spent time doing other things I enjoyed. We also planned a few outing together that didn't include dancing and even took a non-dancing vacation (heavens!!) It has really helped me and now I enjoy the dancing that we do and don't feel so obligated to go to a dance if I don't really feel like it. He's happy to go alone and probably has a great time without me saying "I'm tired and want to leave." I love dancing but I have other interests and sometimes want to spend time with friends and do other things. We're much happier now and enjoy dancing together and with others. I feel back on track and I'm looking forward to our next dance convention now that they are few and far between. :D

pygmalion

12-11-2004, 08:22 AM

Thanks for sharing your story, dancergal. It shows how important it is for both dance pertners to listen to each other and try to compromise. 8)

MasterSerge

12-29-2004, 03:06 AM

I have been dancing professionally and married my partner for over 20 years. So, I do have some "limited" experience in it. :lol:
And on professional level it is all so much more intence, as you can imagine.

So, let me ask you a personal question. And I don't want you to answer it here. Just think about it.

Do you love your hasband? Do you love him still? How many years have you been together? Now, the key question: Do you still make your marriage fun? Is it stail and not fun anymore? Don't answer.

Now, if you do manage to kip your relationship going and still have fun in it- just apply same technics to your dancing. There is NO difference whethere you are at home, in the park biking or dancing. Actually dancing is the easiest way to actually spise up your relationship. Think about it- not every man like to dance. You are the lucky one. So, use it to your advantage. Come on, you know how to make him go WOW!! :lol: Don't you?

If not- marriage cosuling will be a good solution. :P

Sorry, for being so frank.
I wish you best of luck.
Serge