Surviving the end of a dance relationship ...

[pygmalion]

How do you do it? There've been a lot of threads here about the wisdom (or lack) in starting a dance romance or even dance friendship. But none that I can remember, tell you how to survive when a relationship ends. Dance communities are sometimes very small. So how do you survive with a broken heart? Leave? Find somewhere else to dance? Try to avoid the other person? Just go on and pretend everything's fine?

Does anyone here have advice?

[Tasek]

I guess if the scene is so small that you can't avoid each other and no reasonable alternatives are available (e.g. going out of town dancing for a while), so you can't let the wounds heal for a while, you'll have to try and keep out of each other's way and when forced to interact keep it short and courteous. And then in time, provided it wasn't a real nasty breakup, you should be able to create a new understanding.
Though of course this is way easier than said when emotions are in play. Especially if the other partner decides to not try and get along it could get very bad in a small scene, and then you'll be in a nice dilemma when you have to decide whether to fight back or keep calm.
DISCLAIMER: never been in this situation myself, so the above is mostly theoretical.

P.S: Any particular reason for this query?

[pygmalion]

Nope. No particular reason. When I'm going through drama, I let all my guts hang out. I heal better/faster that way. :lol: :lol:

Just figured I'd ask. 8) I bet a lot of people here have been through it, one way or another. I did ask about relationships, not just romances. That could mean dance partnerships, leaving behind old teachers or students, leaving a studio (as a student or employee,) breaking up from a lover, losing a friendship ... but all within a dance scene.

Thoughts?

[randomMysh]

just trying to keep all the good things of the relationship in mind and draw strength from that to be civil to the other person...if the *avoiding like the plague* isn't an option, that is. and hoping the other person will do the same.
worked so far....

[BeefHero]

Ouch!! This thread brings back the PAIN!! :evil: :evil:

My ex-partner and I broke up a while ago, and that marked the end of everything between us. Things couldn't have gotten any worse at the time. Sure it took a long time to heal, but once I started partnering with someone else everything fell back to its place. We still see each other almost everyday because we are both on the school dance team, but I just kinda pretend she doesn't exist. Whenever she attempts to start a conversation I'd be partially ignoring her. I know this is mean and ungentleman, but this is better than the awkwardness during the conversation.

Interestingly, this bad experience drove me to dance better...

[bordertangoman]

1. Don't give up dancing, even if it means seein them at the same venue.

2. Spit and hiss as you pass them on the dance floor.

3. Walk past them, look through them and treat him/her as if they were less than nothing.

4. Whatever you're feeling don't show it. Remain detached and aloof.

5. Dance like one possessed so they regret no longer being your partner.

:twisted: :wink: :twisted:

[motardmom]

1. Don't give up dancing, even if it means seein them at the same venue.

2. Spit and hiss as you pass them on the dance floor.

3. Walk past them, look through them and treat him/her as if they were less than nothing.

4. Whatever you're feeling don't show it. Remain detached and aloof.

5. Dance like one possessed so they regret no longer being your partner.

:twisted: :wink: :twisted:

Jenn, I'm going thru a rough spot with a dance friendship (well, it's friendship for me, but apparently not for him...) and after a particularly outward display of his affection, I had a particularly outward display of my displeasure. :? At any rate, I have to admit I can say "done that" to everything on BTM's list except #2. :oops: (I had a hard time with #4, I am too expressive, I have a hard time hiding my true feelings.) *sigh* The situation's getting better....

[pygmalion]

I'm glad it's getting better, MTM.

The closest experience I've had was with a non-dance boyfriend, back when I lived in a small community. When we first broke up (okay. what the heck -- I'll be honest, he dumped me. :lol: ) I avoided him like the plague. But gradually, over the course of several months, once I was over it, I called him, talked, and tried to make peace... slowly. It was rough and really awkward at first, but, years later, I still think that trying to make amends was the best course for me. 8)

[jenibelle]

Jenibelle's class on how to survive a dance breakup 101:

1. Continue performing in his dance company
2. Ignore him even if he dates another girl in the company. Who cares what he thinks anyway?
3. Practice an unbelievable amount on your own and with others so that you get invited into a better company. :D muhahahahah!

Jeni

[DancePoet]

1. Don't give up dancing, even if it means seeing them at the same venue.

2. Spit and hiss as you pass them on the dance floor.

3. Walk past them, look through them and treat him/her as if they were less than nothing.

4. Whatever you're feeling don't show it. Remain detached and aloof.

5. Dance like one possessed so they regret no longer being your partner.

:twisted: :wink: :twisted:

Woah ... I'm glad there is a winking smilie inbetween the other two. :lol:

Obviously some emotion that can be "sublimated into the dance" here (Pablo Veron in The Tango Lesson), which I suspect why #5 was reached. ;)

I'm with #1 & #5, but being respectful would replace #2, #3, and #4. (Course my answer is obviously more serious.)

[DancePoet]

Jenibelle's class on how to survive a dance breakup 101:

1. Continue performing in his dance company
2. Ignore him even if he dates another girl in the company. Who cares what he thinks anyway?
3. Practice an unbelievable amount on your own and with others so that you get invited into a better company. :D muhahahahah!

Jeni

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[pygmalion]

jenibelle, you rock! :D Dancing well IS the best revenge. 8)

[mr bixx]

you all knew i just went through this very thing a few weeks ago. let me think on how to word this. i'll be back with a response.

[Dance.teacher.in.training]

I've been going to my dance school for nearly 5 years-although i was a keen dancer before that at another dance academy. My friend at dancing was going out with a bloke, also from dancing, the were together for about 2-3 years. Then it ended, they seemed to be civil to each other, then rumours started going round and he just left.

It just depends if you have the personality to just get on with what you are there for and ignore every one around you.

[Sagitta]

Hmm the start of a new year and we are talking about ending relationships? :o I see. Interesting...

I personally think there is only one way to conduct oneself. To be true, open, honest right from the start and always. None of this backstabbing crap. Before this year is out I'll have at least one ex-dancing relationship friend who is away in UK right now and another current dancing friend. I expect no major problems as I always do my best to behave as a gentleman. No dancing well to show the other person. I dance and have always danced because of what dance means to me. This does not depend on any one individual. No spitting, hissing, ignoring etc etc. Treating people badly is definitely one thing that I am not an advocate of as I think that it reflects badly on myself.

[pygmalion]

you all knew i just went through this very thing a few weeks ago. let me think on how to word this. i'll be back with a response.

I welcome your thoughts, mr bixx, but please don't feel you have to bare your soul to the world. Whatever's comfortable for you is okay. Or, if you prefer, just lurking and reading what others say is okay too. :wink: 8)

[mr bixx]

"I welcome your thoughts, mr bixx, but please don't feel you have to bare your soul to the world. Whatever's comfortable for you is okay. Or, if you prefer, just lurking and reading what others say is okay too."

i have nothing to hide or be ashamed of in life or to regret. i love to be open in life. we can never progressive in our own lifes without hurt anger happiness sense of loss remorse, i think you get what i'm saying. with that said replying can maybe help someone out in teh future if they go through it.

so with that let me try to write this. dancing is a wonderful thing to be able to do and enjoy. dancing can bring people together whom woulda never thought would be possible. thats exactly what happened with me. i met my ex through dancing. she was a teacher out of training class. at first we hated each other. she had no respect for me, and she was not my type. through dancing we devoploed alot of feelings and tried the relationship thing. our situation was tough because we work toether , so we must see each other day in and day out. it took me the longest to reliaze why we arent together anymore. i felt denial and rejection(my biggest fears in life) which left me hurt and dazed. over the past weeks i came reliaze that i do love her but not marriage love. i love her like my best friend and i have a sorta of daddy caring protection over her. anyway back to topic. how you handle yourself will very but dont let that person get the best of you. remember dancing is about you just as much as the partnership. you should dance yourself all out everytime time know matter who its with. seeing the other half get new partners or trying something is life. just remember things didnt work for a reason. man i really dont know what i'm trying to say here. i guess you shouldnt give up on something you love number one, and you shouldnt try to hurt your ex. does this make sense at all. if not i'll just delete my post. sorry for rambling everyone.

[Sagitta]

anyway back to topic. how you handle yourself will very but dont let that person get the best of you. remember dancing is about you just as much as the partnership. you should dance yourself all out everytime time know matter who its with. seeing the other half get new partners or trying something is life. just remember things didnt work for a reason. man i really dont know what i'm trying to say here. i guess you shouldnt give up on something you love number one, and you shouldnt try to hurt your ex. does this make sense at all. if not i'll jsut delete my post. sorry for rambling everyone.

No - don't delete! It makes perfect sense Mr. Bixx. :D

[DancePoet]

so with that let me try to write this. dancing is a wonderful thing to be able to do and enjoy. dancing can bring people together whom woulda never thought would be possible. thats exactly what happened with me. i met my ex through dancing. she was a teacher out of training class. at first we hated each other. she had no respect for me, and she was not my type. through dancing we developed alot of feelings and tried the relationship thing. our situation was tough because we work toether, so we must see each other day in and day out. it took me the longest to reliaze why we arent together anymore.
Respect is very important, and dating someone you work with can be tough
i felt denial and rejection(my biggest fears in life) which left me hurt and dazed. over the past weeks i came reliaze that i do love her but not marriage love. i love her like my best friend and i have a sorta of daddy caring protection over her.
When we set up a protection over some one we love this can become a control issue. People tend to resist and come to resent a relationship where they are being treated in a parental manner.

anyway back to topic. how you handle yourself will very but dont let that person get the best of you. remember dancing is about you just as much as the partnership. you should dance yourself all out everytime time know matter who its with. seeing the other half get new partners or trying something is life. just remember things didnt work for a reason. man i really dont know what i'm trying to say here. i guess you shouldnt give up on something you love number one, and you shouldnt try to hurt your ex. does this make sense at all. if not i'll just delete my post. sorry for rambling everyone.
I believe I understand.

[pygmalion]

Wow, mr bixx. Thanks for being so open. 8) Dating someone you work with is a huge risk, and the fact that you were willing to take that risk says a lot of good things about you, I think. 8)

Of the five relationships I've had in my lifetime, two were with coworkers. One relationship crashed and burned. The other lasted a very long time. It's the luck of the draw, I think. :?

Anyway, now I need to get back on topic. :wink:
remember dancing is about you just as much as the partnership

Amen. 8)

Edit: I need to stop this IRU posting. I found three yucky, obvious typos. I bet there are more. :oops: :lol: Eeek! Edit number two. More typos. :doh: Bed time pour moi. :lol:

[squirrel]

It can get really bad... I know I went through something like that about 3 years ago... :(. I don't even want to retell the story... I did tell it on a couple of threads...

Sometimes one just cannot help forgetting about the above good advice... how to remain calm and to despise/ignore that person etc... but sometimes it's d@mn near impossible! Especially when life as you knew it crushes around you! And it doesn't even have a lot to do with him... he's just there and says "good bye" at the wrong time!

Oh well... the power of the human soul to heal is beyond words!

[cocodrilo]

Just deal with it like it is a relationship you've had at your workplace. You're not going to quit, are you? No! Move on and forget about it. Either you'll end up totally despising the person and be avoiding him/her at all costs or you will just chalk it up to experience and let it drift by, eventually forgiving and (hopefully) forgetting the person.

[pygmalion]

Wow. You're tough. Which is good, I guess. Sometimes in life you do just have to pull yourself together and get on with it.

But I do know people who've quit jobs or transferred into different positions after a breakup, among other life-changing decisions. Not everybody feels they can just forget about it. :?

[tacad]

I expect no major problems as I always do my best to behave as a gentleman.
I think this will work. I hope so as it is what I intend to do.

When we set up a protection over some one we love this can become a control issue. People tend to resist and come to resent a relationship where they are being treated in a parental manner.
Interesting. I haven't thought about it like this.

[adsong]

Not an easy subject.
Its occurred twice with me. In both cases, we continued going to dances and ignoring each other. After a while, I felt, as an adult, that an apology by me, was in order for not expressing my true feelings. . In the second case no one apologized.No Need. We had just drifted apart. After several weeks of avoiding each other, I asked the lady for dance . She accepted.We cleared the air during our first dance-I dont even remember what the dance was!. We are still dancing. This time as friends, and nothing more. Express true feelings. Discuss the bad and the good as soon as it presents itself. And, most of all....Always be honest!.
http://www.geocities.com/zetaoctoberjones/howmend.gif

[LauraB]

But I do know people who've quit jobs or transferred into different positions after a breakup, among other life-changing decisions. Not everybody feels they can just forget about it.

I have told this story before, but here's the quick re-cap: I quit my job and moved to a different state some time after my partner and I broke up. We had a romantic relationship, and it didn't end well, but we still had to dance together and work together every day. I'm a very emotional person, and it was extremely difficult. We fought A LOT. I ended up finding a position elsewhere, and once I left, we were able to renew our friendship. I do still love him, very much, as a person and as a friend. Sometimes it is best to leave a situation.

[Twilight_Elena]

I'd give my all into dancing (even more so, actually) and try to hold my distance (i.e. avoid dancing with him at all costs. Damned body contact. We've talked about that one in another thread.)
But still, I'm too young and too much at the start of this (the dancing thang) to have any sort of relationships going on. Well, except the obvious buddy-buddy thing with my female teacher. :P How I adore her!

Twilight Elena

[ReneeJoan]

It's hard, no matter how you go about it. I think the most important thing is to maintain your self-respect. If you feel so rotten that you do stuff to trash your own respect for yourself, or throw your self-respect under the other person's feet to be trampled on, you're making a big mistake. You may have given your heart away, and you probably won't be able to get it back. But you've still got your self-respect.

Don't do anything self-destructive. Don't do drugs. Don't quit eating. Don't start scarfing down garbage. Ask a trusted friend to take away all your sharp knives and shoe laces if it's really bad. In fact, do some nice things for yourself. Instead of two gallons of Haagen Dazs, go get a facial. Buy a sexy new dance outfit. Treat yourself nice. It'll help shore up your shaky sense of self-respect.

Stay out of "Why didn't he/she love me/What's wrong with me?" territory. Just don't even ask the question. A few months from now, when it doesn't hurt so much, you can analyze the relationship and try and learn from it, but not now. If you start asking yourself this question, it'll just have a bad answer. It's a riddle you probably may never be able to unravel anyway.

Forgive yourself, and above all DON'T PUNISH YOURSELF. Don't call yourself stupid for having given your heart. Don't tear into yourself. And it's okay to allow yourself to hope that maybe he/she will change his/her mind. The last time this happened to me, I was upset and angry for months, tearing myself apart, angry with myself for having been "stupid" and allowing myself to get involved. Finally, as Lent was approaching, I knew I was going to have to get rid of this, even though it was still very unresolved and I had a lot of unanswered questions. I just didn't want to go into the Lenten season with all this unresolved anger and bitterness. I had to let it go and stop trying to unravel the riddles of "why."

Live on auto-pilot if you have to. Routine activities can get you through those days when you don't even feel like you can breathe, let alone get up and walk around.

Keep dancing. Tango Saves, I always say, and I think non-tango dancers feel the same way about their art, too. The healing power of art and dance will help you.

Be courteous to "him/her." You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control what you say and what you do. And you can always treat the other person with the same baseline level of courtesy that you would offer to a complete stranger. It'll help maintain your self-respect.

It's funny, but as I'm writing this, I just got a call from a friend (not a dancer) whom I haven't seen in almost three years. Her husband left her after a 20 year marriage with two little girls. She's been suffering serious clinical depression since. It's hard, and there's no easy answers.

I guess it's true -- no matter how bad you may be feeling, there's always someone out there who's feeling worse than you. Reach out to them, if only to offer a comforting hand and a listening ear. It'll take you out of yourself.

Renee

[pygmalion]

Live on auto-pilot if you have to. Routine activities can get you through those days when you don't even feel like you can breathe, let alone get up and walk around.

Keep dancing. Tango Saves, I always say, and I think non-tango dancers feel the same way about their art, too. The healing power of art and dance will help you.

Be courteous to "him/her." You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can control what you say and what you do. And you can always treat the other person with the same baseline level of courtesy that you would offer to a complete stranger. It'll help maintain your self-respect.



Yes. There's nothing like a pile of monotonous, mindless activities to get you through those days. You know ... the bad ones.

And yes. Rising above may be hard at the moment, but, in the long run, it will help you feel good about yourself, regardless of how the other person behaves.

Sorry, though, RJ. I reserve the right to eat Haagen Dazs, during at least one all-night self-pity-a-thon. :wink: :lol:

[ReneeJoan]

Can I bring a spoon? :)

[pygmalion]

Sure. And I'll bring two half gallons. One for me. One for you. Any flavor you like. What the heck. It's only one night of self pity, so why not go for broke? :wink:

[ReneeJoan]

Sounds good to me. I haven't had ice cream in I don't know how long. Get Swiss Almond Chocolate for me. I'll bring the whip cream.

Renee

[bordertangoman]

Quotes

"The secret of a long life is knowing when to leave"

Michelle Shocked.

No I have never spat or hissed, but if looks could kill........
nothing beats a hard stare. :wink:

[pygmalion]

Sounds good to me. I haven't had ice cream in I don't know how long. Get Swiss Almond Chocolate for me. I'll bring the whip cream.

Renee

Ooooh! Swiss Almond Chocolate. Yum. 8)

[pygmalion]

No I have never spat or hissed, but if looks could kill........
nothing beats a hard stare. :wink:

LOL! actually, I prefer the casual glance, followed by looking away slowly, as if the recipient of the look is totally inconsequential. Gets 'em every time! :twisted: :lol:

[mr bixx]

ughh just got home from the studio tonight. what hell! i had to put up with the ex today. i got frustrated so i left. we have another teacher examination coming up next month and i have to test with her . we couldnt get through one pattern in bolero without arguing and fighting. this is gonna be a fun test i have to take.

[tacad]

Ouch!

[JohnK]

Very wise and compassionate outlook, Renee (I'm talking about your long(er) post, not the Haagen-Daz spinoffs)!

[pygmalion]

Sorry about the Haagen Dazs, JohnK. :oops: Yes, Renee is very wise, whether she knows it or not. 8)

Any more thoughts on living through/past the end of a dance relationship? 8)