Falling for your instructor

[poppet]

:oops: Am feeling a little embarrassed about falling for my instructor. This is the first time and I've had a couple of instructors. I don't know whether to keep it a secret (although I suspect it's obvious) or to tell him. I never thought this would happen since there are always people in the dance studio and also because it's a major "mortal sin" in the ballroom world for instructors and students to hook up. I never thought this would happen to me. To add insult to injury I am a bit older than he is and while I do occassionally date younger men I feel pretty ridiculous on this front. I can't believe I let this happen and am wondering what others out there have done in similar situations. I hate to give up my lessons and really don't want to go to another dance school but I'm feeling like maybe I don't have much choice.

[pygmalion]

You're not alone. 8)

http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?t=6648

[GalacticDancer44M]

Welcome to the forum Poppet. There is a thread on this subject already going if you search active topics for it. You'll find some words of wisdom there hopefully. I could comment on it, but it would end up being gossip which I choose to refrain from. All I'll say is from what I've seen about rules, is that they are there to protect the people who write them. They'll break them if they see fit.

[Larinda McRaven]

I don't think you need to go to another school... or even tell him about it.
I do think you need to acknowledge it for what it is. A Crush. And just realize it is a natural response to your circumstance.

Do you actually know him, in a friendship kind of way? I mean a real friendship outside of the studio... Do you know where he grew up, how many brothers and sisters he has, what he wanted to be when he grew up, what kind of student he was in highschool, his birthday, middle name, his dogs name when he grew up, his best friends name...?

Unless you know these things... you are simply falling for the image he presents to you, not really him as a person, since you don't really know him as a person.

I think all students develope crushes to some degree on teachers, or patients on therapists, or patient to doctor. It is a real phenomenon, it is called transference.

I think my Taekwondo Master is pretty hot, and like being around him, he is incredibly charming and makes me feel special. But I know nothing about him except where he spends his days (working). I know absolutely nothing of his life, dreams, desires, disappointments, family... I could never really think that my feelings coud develope into a wholesome healthy relationship. They are just a result of my situation.

I am not trying to belittle your feelings, they certainly are real and maybe rather intense. But it helps to understand what they are and where they come from. Just enjoy the little zing you get when you are near him. Enjoy the euphoria, but acknowledge it for what it is.

[Chris Stratton]

You know, there is dance music for everything...

"The maddest kind of love...is a love you know is wrong
It burns a hole right through your soul
And cuts you like a knife."

(Big Voodoo Daddy, as on Casa Musica Vol20 part 9)

[standardgirl]

Do you actually know him, in a friendship kind of way? I mean a real friendship outside of the studio... Do you know where he grew up, how many brothers and sisters he has, what he wanted to be when he grew up, what kind of student he was in highschool, his birthday, middle name, his dogs name when he grew up, his best friends name...?

Unless you know these things... you are simply falling for the image he presents to you, not really him as a person, since you don't really know him as a person.



Well said, Larinda, but unfortunately I do know the answers to all those questions..... :cry: :roll:

I know where he grew up, what he did in his childhood, what happened to him and his family, his birthday (we celebrated it together with some other people!), his middle name, his pets' names, his house, his favorite place to hang out, etc...... Sometimes, I feel like I know too much, and I only wish that we only had a student-teacher relationship.

It's nice to become friends, and be so close. He has helped me out when I was crying, and so depressed. He talked me through furtrations from college. We dance at clubs together. Most importantly, he is caring and cute.

But afterall, I still think that it would have been better if we only had a student-teacher relationship. At least, I won't have such a crash on him that way......

[standardgirl]

"The maddest kind of love...is a love you know is wrong
It burns a hole right through your soul
And cuts you like a knife."

:applause: :notworth:

I don't know anyway of saying this better.
I believe that is what I am experiencing.

[pygmalion]

Yup, exactly, chiwenl. Some teachers do keep a very firm line between the personal and professional, which is fine.

Some don't. And one of mine, in particular, deliberately (it seems) created the illusion of a personal relationship so he could exploit it to get students to buy lessons.

That situation was awful, btw. He and his studio talked his "best"students into buying extra lessons, in order to help him win a sales contest over a weekend. When we arrived in the studio for our lessons the following week, he had quit with no notice. This is the same guy who'd cultivated "friendships" with all his female students over the course of months or years. He got away with it because he was gay, so noone would ever suggest sexual impropriety. But, in retrospect, there was impropriety, in my view. The worst hit was an elderly lady who viewed him as a son. Oh man! It was awful. :(

I've had a couple dance teachers for whom I've known the answers to most, if not all, of the questions Larinda posed, too. No crush resulted for me, but I can see how easily it might have happened for others.

[standardgirl]

He got away with it because he was gay....

and i did mentioned this in the other thread, so is mine.... :?

[ReneeJoan]

Dear Pygmalion:

Shades of "Witness for the Prosecution."

Renee

[dTas]

where did Poppet go?

[Larinda McRaven]

Whether or not someone sees their feelings as transference it is helpful to understand what it truely is.

Transference is proof that you have a healthy relationship with your therapist. Transference is always talked about as a bad thing. When people express having feelings towards their therapist, others step forward and say, "Transference! Beware!" No, transference is a positive tool for good therapy. I suggest you read a book by Irving Yalom called, "Lying On the Couch". Wonderful book about transference and boundaries. Yalom is a psychoanalyst. He has written many books including "Love's Executioner." He is also considered the foremost expert on Group Therapy Dynamics.

In his book, "Lying....", Yalom talks about how some therapists actually try to encourage transference. They know that when they have a client who is truly in transference with their therapist, they have someone who has sessions between sessions. They imagine conversations with the therapist. Are motivated to change behaviors to please the therapist. Willing to share difficult perspectives because they have such a high regard for the therapist. All the while, not knowing that they are building tools they can take along with them after therapy is long over with.


It is very important to realize that teachers also utilize this tool to help you achieve the goals that YOU TOLD THEM you wanted to achieve. Whether someone had buyers remorse later is not the teachers fault.

I had a previous boss who would say to me "They said they want to be a good student... they want to please you... it is not up to you to decide how to sped their money. Ask them and they will do the show/comp/checkout."

At what point can I honestly decide when they are doing what they want vs. when they are doing what I want them to do. It is not fair to blame the teacher because a student does something to please them. I don't have access to their bank account, I am not writing their checks. Nor do I know what is a reasonable amount for them to spend without stretching their budget too thin... It is my job to teach, but it is my right as a professional to make money.

[Chris Stratton]

But there are some dangers with transference:

1) It can be and often is abused by scamsters

2) It is also extremely risky for well meaning therapists/teachers/mentors/friends, because if the connection is really strong it's likely that both people feel it to some degree

[Larinda McRaven]

1) It can be and often is abused by scamsters

I can be taken advantage of by a "friend" or a complete stranger. But I am still responsible, in the end for my checkbook. If I honestly can't afford it, I have no business doing it.

2) It is also extremely risky for well meaning therapists/teachers/mentors/friends, because if the connection is really strong it's likely that both people feel it to some degree

Sure, this is called Counter-Transference. And this is why it is IMPORTANT for everyone to understand what it is. That way students don't "fall" for teachers... and teachers don't "fall" for students. We all need to be responsible adults.

[Chris Stratton]

1) It can be and often is abused by scamsters

I can be taken advantage of by a "friend" or a complete stranger. But I am still responsible, in the end for my checkbook. If I honestly can't afford it, I have no business doing it.

This might be true in something narrow like dancing, but if we consider that this kind of scam comes in numerous forms including scam marriage, I have to wonder if the vulnerability to it isn't an innate part of being human. Can one really be immune to everything and remain capable of enjoying interaction with others? Or does being truly open to others imply opening a small door of vulnerability, guarded in part by external protections such as community standards, laws, concerned friends and relatives, etc?

(Which is one of the reasons that an attempt to exclude such external influences is one of the biggest warning signs)

[chachachacat]

[ Or does being truly open to others imply opening a small door of vulnerability, guarded in part by external protections such as community standards, laws, concerned friends and relatives, etc?

(Which is one of the reasons that an attempt to exclude such external influences is one of the biggest warning signs)
I've had a number of jobs, and nowhere is this question more rampant than in partner dance instruction.. It's very tricky!
I'm glad to see, Chris, that you can get out of your left brain for a while and admit to having feelings. Bless you for opening up. :)
Being so physically close to someone must bring up feelings. I have seen this over and over throughout 17 years of teaching. So many relationships and marriages ruined, so many hearts broken. This is serious stuff! Lives and marriages are at stake.

[Joe]

I think my Taekwondo Master is pretty hot
Does Steve know? :shock:

;)

[squirrel]

:lol:

[pygmalion]

I have to wonder if the vulnerability to it isn't an innate part of being human. Can one really be immune to everything and remain capable of enjoying interaction with others? Or does being truly open to others imply opening a small door of vulnerability, guarded in part by external protections such as community standards, laws, concerned friends and relatives, etc?


Wow. That's profound, Chris. 8)

[pygmalion]

Oh yeah, and, just for the sake of playing devil's advocate, here. :twisted: :lol: This whole thread seems to be based on the assumption that teacher/student crushes and relationships are based on unbalanced or immature people acting on or exploiting neuroses. I'm sure a lot of that does happen -- students deluding themselves that relationships exist where they don't. Teachers "falling in love" with student after student. Teachers who "befriend" students in order to manipulate them. *shudder*

But isn't it possible that, in all this madness, there could be healthy, balanced, relationships -- platonic friendships or romantic relationships --formed?

I mean to say that people often do meet their love interests and new friends at places where they have something in common -- work, school, social settings. So why is the dance community any less valid a place? (Just for the sake of discussion, mind you. :wink: :lol: :lol: )

[Larinda McRaven]

NO one said anything about unbalance or neurotic or immature people. I am talking about normal people having everyday normal feelings.

Poopet did not describe herself as neurotic. She sounded quite reasonable. I certainly don't see myself as immature or unbalanced...
This is a very common thing. Yet everyones assumption is either the teacher is a crook or the student is crazy. I am just saying these are valid feelings, quite strong sometimes.

And if everyone is aware of their roots, you can enjoy them for what they are, instead of acting on them and letting yoursef do things that you might end up feeling guilty for or feeling taken advantage of.

[Larinda McRaven]

As for my TKD Master, well that is my little secret. :wink:

[Larinda McRaven]

I mean to say that people often do meet their love interests and new friends at places where they have something in common -- work, school, social settings. So why is the dance community any less valid a place? (Just for the sake of discussion, mind you. :wink: :lol: :lol: )

The thing about this is that it is MY JOB to be nice and like everyone at the studio, especially my students. If I weren't nice and liking them...they wouldn't come back. And the thing about transference is that "you" end up seeing in me what you want to see (transfer your desires or wishes)... So in the end "you" end up not really knowing the teacher for real. You end up knowing an "image" partly that they present to you, partly that "you" transfer onto them.

[chachachacat]

I mean to say that people often do meet their love interests and new friends at places where they have something in common -- work, school, social settings. So why is the dance community any less valid a place? (Just for the sake of discussion, mind you. :wink: :lol: :lol: )

The thing about this is that it is MY JOB to be nice and like everyone at the studio, especially my students. If I weren't nice and liking them...they wouldn't come back. And the thing about transference is that "you" end up seeing in me what you want to see (transfer your desires or wishes)... So in the end "you" end up not really knowing the teacher for real. You end up knowing an "image" partly that they present to you, partly that "you" transfer onto them.
Well said, thank you.

[GalacticDancer44M]

"The thing about this is that it is MY JOB to be nice and like everyone at the studio, especially my students. If I weren't nice and liking them...they wouldn't come back."



Speaking from a student's point of view, I recogonize that this is only good business and I pretty much keep things in perspective. I realize that the nice words and smiles are part of the game (so to speak) to keep you coming back, but in some cases I've felt a little more flirting which confused me. There were feelings on my end, but I keep them to myself for good reasons. I've taken a break from this studio to refocus on learning to dance which is why I started there.
:?

[chachachacat]

So, then it could be that the reason I lost students is that they were so dazzled, they couldn't dance straight? :wink: :wink:



(I'm kidding, of course!) :D [/i]

[standardgirl]

Speaking from a student's point of view, I recogonize that this is only good business and I pretty much keep things in perspective. I realize that the nice words and smiles are part of the game (so to speak) to keep you coming back, but in some cases I've felt a little more flirting which confused me.

Yes, I do feel the same way. There is another instructor (not the one I mentioned before, not the one I have a crash on), and he often flirts with me. I was really confused at first. Because everytime, it just seems like he tries to talk to me as much as possible, and he even asks me if I have a boyfriend and stuff..... I thought that he might like me at that time. Then as I get to know him better, and we start going out together with other people, he started to talk about this other girl that he likes. And it's clear that he is hitting on this one girl at the salsa club. So, then I know that there is nothing between us.

My point is, I think what he is doing, is a bit too much, and not professional. I do agree with Larinda that it's a part of the teacher's job to be nice or extra nice with studetns to keep them coming back, but I don't think flirting should be included, especially when the teacher is only 3 years older, and things ARE actually possible.

[chachachacat]

Speaking from a student's point of view, I recogonize that this is only good business and I pretty much keep things in perspective. I realize that the nice words and smiles are part of the game (so to speak) to keep you coming back, but in some cases I've felt a little more flirting which confused me.

Yes, I do feel the same way. There is another instructor (not the one I mentioned before, not the one I have a crash on), and he often flirts with me. I was really confused at first. Because everytime, it just seems like he tries to talk to me as much as possible, and he even asks me if I have a boyfriend and stuff..... I thought that he might like me at that time. Then as I get to know him better, and we start going out together with other people, he started to talk about this other girl that he likes. And it's clear that he is hitting on this one girl at the salsa club. So, then I know that there is nothing between us.

My point is, I think what he is doing, is a bit too much, and not professional. I do agree with Larinda that it's a part of the teacher's job to be nice or extra nice with studetns to keep them coming back, but I don't think flirting should be included, especially when the teacher is only 3 years older, and things ARE actually possible.I agree totally!
I have read here of some very UNprofessional and offensive and disrespectful behavoir on the part of some male teachers.
I've been around this partner dance world a long time, and these guys sound like narcissicists! They should not hurt people's feelings like that. And it reflects badly on the whole profession.

:snake: :spam: :x <= He's not good enough to be a Ham! :lol:

[Larinda McRaven]

My point is, I think what he is doing, is a bit too much, and not professional. I do agree with Larinda that it's a part of the teacher's job to be nice or extra nice with studetns to keep them coming back, but I don't think flirting should be included, especially when the teacher is only 3 years older, and things ARE actually possible.

Well everyone has different boundaries...

The problem arises when one persons casual fun flirting in a harmless way is percieved as intentional romatic interests. This is especially confusing when the teacher is gay (as was mentioned earlier) and there are no clear lines as to what is all in fun and what is too much. Which is obviously the basis of the no-frat polices that many studios carry.

If you honestly feel he is being inappropriate, then you have every right to discuss this (AND not during your paying lesson time!) with him and or a supervisor.

The part I said about being nice to everyone...that is true but it isn't just to keep them as paying customers, that sounds a bit too fake. It is because I want them to learn, (I mean who wants a teacher that make you feel like crap) and because I want to have a good time at work too. I would treat anyone at the studio with respect and friendliness, regardless of if they are my paying customers or not. The studio should be a relaxing, open, social, friendly environment where everyone is comfortable.

[chachachacat]

:doh: :artsy:
It's a limited palette, but it can be fun!
:peace:
:kitty:


************************************************** **********

the

:doh: is in regard to my post, not yours, Queen L. Your wisdom and ability to articulate make you an excellent teacher, I'm sure. Thank you for always expressing things from a teacher's point of view so well. :notworth: :)

[standardgirl]

My point is, I think what he is doing, is a bit too much, and not professional. I do agree with Larinda that it's a part of the teacher's job to be nice or extra nice with studetns to keep them coming back, but I don't think flirting should be included, especially when the teacher is only 3 years older, and things ARE actually possible.

Well everyone has different boundaries...

The problem arises when one persons casual fun flirting in a harmless way is percieved as intentional romatic interests. This is especially confusing when the teacher is gay (as was mentioned earlier) and there are no clear lines as to what is all in fun and what is too much. Which is obviously the basis of the no-frat polices that many studios carry.

If you honestly feel he is being inappropriate, then you have every right to discuss this (AND not during your paying lesson time!) with him and or a supervisor.

The part I said about being nice to everyone...that is true but it isn't just to keep them as paying customers, that sounds a bit too fake. It is because I want them to learn, (I mean who wants a teacher that make you feel like crap) and because I want to have a good time at work too. I would treat anyone at the studio with respect and friendliness, regardless of if they are my paying customers or not. The studio should be a relaxing, open, social, friendly environment where everyone is comfortable.


I was actually less confused when the instructor is gay. In that situation, even though I had a crash, I know it's more of my own fault, since he was clear about his sexual orientation in the first place. What makes me really confused with this other instructor is because he is straight, not gay, and he is only like 3, or 4 years older.

And YES, I work harder "for" the teacher when I like them. I would probably quit the studio or just stop working hard if I feel like crap in my lesson. :D

[GalacticDancer44M]

[So, then it could be that the reason I lost students is that they were so dazzled, they couldn't dance straight? Wink Wink ]

Well, there could be some truth to this. The flirting wouldn't bother me if I didn't have any feelings for the person. But if you do have feelings, then it can confuse you especially if you know it's not going to go anywhere. You're not sure what they're motive is. I do try to work harder for this instructor too, ironically. I guess I just try to channel the inspiration into developing myself better. Her encouragement really helps alot, but sometimes her jokingly critical remarks hurt more than they would coming from someone else. It tends to hurt the confidence level and it makes it harder to dance with her. I started dancing with a new teacher from a different studio and can dance relatively good with lots of confidence. I know the other instructor means well, it just plays games with my head. :?

[squirrel]

What is really interesting is that none of you guys referred to the situation when the instructor and the student are friends and their friendship is older than the "dancing and teaching part"...

I have opened my school at the advice and pressure of my close friends... my BF at the time was one of the first students... then the school started to grow and I've always tried to make FRIENDS out of my students... I want to know their surnames and marital status and what the name of their kids are and if they ever phantasised about making love on an island...

So, naturally, I DO flirt with my students and most of them take it all right! Those who don't... well... I don't flirt with them (and I can be pretty tough if they cross my line...). There were guys in school I felt attracted to... I have even considered a romantic involvement... it didn't work out... but nobody hurt anybody! I am sure (and I've seen) there are people abused (emotionally) by instructors who lack moral principles... I've seen guys crying and girls on the verge of a nervous breakdown...

But the same happens everywhere and with everybody! If I fall for my boss, for my best friend's hubby etc... Some people are hurt at times... but this is life! Of course, we should avoid hurting each other, but... sometimes it is inevitable...

There's this guy in my class... he quit the lessons for a while... you know why? Not because of me! Because of his former GF, who left him for another guy in the class! And now he's taking a break and is in terrible pain, both because of the loss of GF and loss of Salsa...!

My point is: there are bad people everywhere... but they cannot all be eliminated and it is certain for me that rules don't help too much (for tougher rules, better lies...)

[poppet]

Gosh!! It's wonderful to hear everyone's comments and words of advice. The transference thing is not unfamiliar to me but I hadn't thought about its application in this instance. For me it's much more related to the actual emotion I feel when dancing with this man. True, I think I have a thing for performing but this is much more. I don't feel like I'm performing when we dance rumba, for example. As for knowing more about him, his life, etc. we seem to share more and more these days--via email. We could never really engage in any sort of discussion in the dance studio because there's never any privacy nor time, really. He's always going into another lesson and I'm not one to just hang out at the studio. Has anyone out there ever engaged in a secret affair and successfully carried on a private life outside the studio? Seems tough since there's little time to be together and few dance clubs to go without risking being seen together. I've got this awful urge to divulge my feelings to this guy and propose we fly off to some wonderful spot. That said, I'll probably chicken out!! :!: Poppet

[pygmalion]

Glad you're back, poppet. Good luck. 8)

[pygmalion]

Yikes. I just read the rest of your post. Uhh. Not sure what to say, except be careful. Please. Please.

I'm on my way out now, so I don't have time to dig up a couple pertinent older threads. But, bottom line, in-studio dance affairs sometimes end very, very badly. That is, assuming you do divulge your feelings and your teacher reciprocates. An affair, if it happens, might end badly.

But please bear in mind what Larinda and CCCC said. Before you confess your feelings to him, please make as sure as you can that you're not mistaking nice-ness for romantic interest.

Yikes! I wish I had time to compose you a nice, long, chatty reply, because your comments call for more than the two-second answer I have time for. Be back later.

Hang in. And good luck.

[pygmalion]

Uhhh. Still no archived threads, although I know there are some. I'll search for some when I wake up in the AM. It appears the thread titles aren't exactly obvious. Either that, or I'm a kook. :lol: :?

[standardgirl]

Uhhh. Still no archived threads, although I know there are some. I'll search for some when I wake up in the AM. It appears the thread titles aren't exactly obvious. Either that, or I'm a kook. :lol: :?

Is this the one you are looking for?
http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?t=6648&highlight=i+love+dance+teacher

[pygmalion]

Thanks, chiwenl. 8) That's a good one. I was also remembering a really old one that talked about the difficulties of ending a dance relationship but having to coexist in the same dance circles. Can't remember... still fuzzy, but looking. :roll: It's clear to me that I've lost my mind. :lol: :lol:

[Sagitta]

Gosh!! It's wonderful to hear everyone's comments and words of advice. The transference thing is not unfamiliar to me but I hadn't thought about its application in this instance. For me it's much more related to the actual emotion I feel when dancing with this man. True, I think I have a thing for performing but this is much more. I don't feel like I'm performing when we dance rumba, for example. As for knowing more about him, his life, etc. we seem to share more and more these days--via email. We could never really engage in any sort of discussion in the dance studio because there's never any privacy nor time, really. He's always going into another lesson and I'm not one to just hang out at the studio. Has anyone out there ever engaged in a secret affair and successfully carried on a private life outside the studio? Seems tough since there's little time to be together and few dance clubs to go without risking being seen together. I've got this awful urge to divulge my feelings to this guy and propose we fly off to some wonderful spot. That said, I'll probably chicken out!! :!: Poppet Careful Poppet! Take care. :together: Enghaging in a relationship with your dance teacher, or trying to is a risky business in many ways. Do, please read the thread that chinewl searched and provided a couple posts ago and think about it. And there is no need to consider it chickening out if you don't verbalize the interest to your instructor that you have presented here on df.

[pygmalion]

Maybe I was hallucinating with the older thread. :lol:

Here's a recent one that touches on the topic.

http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?t=6932

[Twilight_Elena]

Poppet, please think everything through again. Usually teacher-student relationships are confusing, and that's a natural thing. I mean, you're around him in very intimate body contact and he's acting like it's natural. He's probably flirty and playful, and that's leading you on to believe he's interested. But does he act this way only with you? The only way you could be certain of that would be if he gave you some clear hints.
99% it's just your feelings playing tricks on you. But even if we're at the 1% , rememeber that those relationships ususally end pretty badly and in a very awkward and spiteful climate. It could even force to to change dance schools.
Think about it. Carefully.
My best wishes and luck,

Twilight Elena

[pygmalion]

Beautifully said, T_E. :notworth: 8)

[008]

i sent poppet a private message on this topic.

[pygmalion]

Thanks. :friend: :D That's one of the things, IMO, that makes DF such a nice place to be. We all support each other through the good stuff, the bad stuff, the annoying stuff, and the confusing stuff.

[standardgirl]

Hi Poppet~~

Based on my personal experiences with the problem, I would suggest you wait for a while, let's say at least 2, 3 months, and see how you feel about this romantic crash. Chances are, your feeling will become much less after this wait. It's weird, but a lot of time, it will just go away.
good luck :D

[poppet]

Hi everyone! Poppet here. I started this thread and have to say that it's been just such a great experience to hear such sincere and compassionate comments and replies. I haven't made any moves and am still trying to read him. At the studio he exhibits affection that seems just a tad beyond the typical teacher/student affection. He also burns music for me and always seems to enjoy our lessons. We dance really well together and seem well suited. But the other thing is that he calls me a lot. We email a bit, too. We keep this activity under wraps but mainly because I just don't like my private life to be public anywhere--work, studio, or otherwise. Our calls are always seem to fly by and we're on for long periods of time. He's a lot younger than I am, too, which really makes me a bit uncomfortable. Maybe I'm nothing more than a surrogate mother, big sister, or aunt. I've competed with him and will probably do more so maybe I'll just sit tight. We talk about getting together to go dancing and maybe go out for dinner and there is lots of inuendo about romance but I tend to think that maybe that part is just flirtation on his part but I definitely respond. I'm really annoyed at myself for letting these emotions get in the way of my dancing. He's even poured out his heart to me about wanting to have a girlfriend and the disappointments he's experienced being turned down by this student or that student--all of which are closer to his age and quite beautiful. I'm considerably older which makes this all the more ridiculous as I write. Maybe I should switch studios!!!! :cry:

[Sagitta]

Perhaps...only you ultimately know what is best for you. Good luck in the direction you decide to take. :)

[Twilight_Elena]

Poppet, don't feel embarassed or ridiculous. Feelings and crushes happen. They're frustrating and sometimes silly, but they still are feelings: your feelings. So don't cheapen them.
If it looks like he wants to be a friend, think about it. Can you take it? Can you put your crush aside and befriend him? It's usually very hard to do that. You would, however, gain some precious things from such a friendship. You'd learn more abou this guy that's truning you upside down and perhaps even get over him. You'd get a chance to really see how much you feel for him, and if it's real. You'd test those feelings outside the dance scene, and that's so very important.
Let it flow, that's my advice. Don't, and I mean don't push anything, whether it be friendship or any other kind of relationship. Pushing is BAD. It's bad for the both of you. The only thing you need to control at this stage is your behaviour around him, unless you want him to find out (not my suggestion, to be honest). In everything else, try to be yourself.
Oh, and just so that I don't forget. How you act in class and how you act outside class are very different things. When you dance, you can't and shouldn't control the emotion. Let it flow. He won't take it the wrong way. He's a dancer, he knows how it is.
My best of luck and keep us posted!

Twilight Elena

[ReneeJoan]

Dear Poppet:

Please don't put yourself down. So what if you're older than this man? The soul is ageless, and a kindred spirit is a kindred spirit. And it's just my opinion, but based on what you said above, it doesn't sound to me like he's treating you like a "surrogate mother" or an "aunt." Your heart is a precious gift, and even if his hands are too small to receive that gift, it doesn't make that gift any less precious. As Twilight Elena said (and she is so wise for someone who calls herself "little," and "tiny"), take it as it comes, let the relationship develop naturally at it's own pace and see that fruit is born. "By their fruits you will know them." Eventually you will see the true nature of your friendship with this individual -- a close and special friend, or a real romance. But it sounds to me like he's anything but indifferent to you.

Renee

[pygmalion]

Good luck, poppet. Go slowly, IMO. Maybe he'll give you a hint or two along the way of how to proceed. :? Too bad he seems determined to be ambiguous. :(

[Twilight_Elena]

Dear Poppet:

Please don't put yourself down. So what if you're older than this man? The soul is ageless, and a kindred spirit is a kindred spirit. And it's just my opinion, but based on what you said above, it doesn't sound to me like he's treating you like a "surrogate mother" or an "aunt." Your heart is a precious gift, and even if his hands are too small to receive that gift, it doesn't make that gift any less precious. As Twilight Elena said (and she is so wise for someone who calls herself "little," and "tiny"), take it as it comes, let the relationship develop naturally at it's own pace and see that fruit is born. "By their fruits you will know them." Eventually you will see the true nature of your friendship with this individual -- a close and special friend, or a real romance. But it sounds to me like he's anything but indifferent to you.

Renee

Well said, Renee. As for me being wise... Only time will tell. :)
I hope Poppet has further clues on the mysterious instructor, for her sake.

Twilight Elena

[pygmalion]

Yeah. Renne shares some real jewels of wisdom. Are you still out there, poppet? Hope everything's going okay. 8) :)

[chandra]

Sorta an interesting story on this topic.
My instructer is in his mid 40s. hes a very friendly and flirtatious guy as well as having a history going for younger girls.
Its sorta funny, there are about three 16 year old girls who follow him around like tame puppy dogs. They are obviously fawning over him. He doesnt seem to mind, or discourage them. I thought this was normal, you know teacher student thignys everyone has been talking about. But i found out they all hang out, go swimming out of class etc. 8)
its actually quite entertaining, their like his little possie. I know most of the students at the studio, plus the teacher he teaches with, are really uncomfortable with it. Is he just oblivious to their feelings- i think not, he doesnt seem to care what others think.
in this case its sorta funny and different than all the others on this thread, because none of the parties envolved have any feelings for each other (i think atleast) But no one else is comfortable with it.
The only thing that annoys me about the situation is the obvious favoritism. He pays for their dance classes, and there social dances, as well as weekend workshops and such... I wouldnt mind, its just they make it really public, the girls i mean, there like "x is paying for the class- just bill him"
Its become like the cliche to be in for the young girls in the classes. I dont know if they realize the affect they have on all the other people in the class. Its sorta interesting.

edit: ive been re-reading some of my posts, and trying to edit for ease of reading. what are some pointers?

[GalacticDancer44M]

Sorta an interesting story on this topic.
My instructer is in his mid 40s. hes a very friendly and flirtatious guy as well as having a history going for younger girls.
Its sorta funny, there are about three 16 year old girls who follow him around like tame puppy dogs. They are obviously fawning over him. He doesnt seem to mind, or discourage them. I thought this was normal, you know teacher student thignys everyone has been talking about. But i found out they all hang out, go swimming out of class etc. 8)
its actually quite entertaining, their like his little possie. I know most of the students at the studio, plus the teacher he teaches with, are really uncomfortable with it. Is he just oblivious to their feelings- i think not, he doesnt seem to care what others think.
in this case its sorta funny and different than all the others on this thread, because none of the parties envolved have any feelings for each other (i think atleast) But no one else is comfortable with it.
The only thing that annoys me about the situation is the obvious favoritism. He pays for their dance classes, and there social dances, as well as weekend workshops and such... I wouldnt mind, its just they make it really public, the girls i mean, there like "x is paying for the class- just bill him"
Its become like the cliche to be in for the young girls in the classes. I dont know if they realize the affect they have on all the other people in the class. Its sorta interesting.

edit: ive been re-reading some of my posts, and trying to edit for ease of reading. what are some pointers?

Doesn't sound very professional and I would suggest that if the situation continues to bother you and it's obviously out of your control, I'd pick up and try out a new studio. Life is too short.

[Sagitta]

Sorta an interesting story on this topic.
My instructer is in his mid 40s. hes a very friendly and flirtatious guy as well as having a history going for younger girls.
Its sorta funny, there are about three 16 year old girls who follow him around like tame puppy dogs. They are obviously fawning over him. He doesnt seem to mind, or discourage them. I thought this was normal, you know teacher student thignys everyone has been talking about. But i found out they all hang out, go swimming out of class etc. 8)
its actually quite entertaining, their like his little possie.

Is he cute? :wink: :)

[chandra]

hes 45ish and im 16 so i cant in all conscience say he is cute. He is attractive for a midaged person.

Actually its the only studio in my town. I live in a town of 10,000 people. Most of them havent discovered dance.

Anyway, im sure he'll get a talking to from the girl he teaches with soon.

[GalacticDancer44M]

Sorta an interesting story on this topic.
My instructer is in his mid 40s. hes a very friendly and flirtatious guy as well as having a history going for younger girls.
Its sorta funny, there are about three 16 year old girls who follow him around like tame puppy dogs. They are obviously fawning over him. He doesnt seem to mind, or discourage them. I thought this was normal, you know teacher student thignys everyone has been talking about. But i found out they all hang out, go swimming out of class etc. 8)
its actually quite entertaining, their like his little possie.

Is he cute? :wink: :)


The guy must not be too shabby if he has a possie of teen girls all over him (and being in his mid 40's). :lol:

[chandra]

i dont think its mainly his looks, but his charismatic character. I mean hes not johnney depp or anything, but OK, he is good looking.

[Sagitta]

i dont think its mainly his looks, but his charismatic character. I mean hes not johnney depp or anything, but OK, he is good looking.

Aha!! Got ya to say that! :lol:

[chandra]

:oops: