Jealous spouses

[pygmalion]

Just curious, because I've had a few interactions with jealous spouses of dance friends. Has anyone had problems/situations with jealous spouses?

Here's my story: Several months ago, I went to a studio outing, but arrived late because of a rain storm. When I got there, everybody from the studio was on the dance floor, so I plopped myself down into the first available seat. When the song was over, I realized that I was sitting next to a very insecure woman and her handsome, physician husband. They (especially she) spent the rest of the evening alternately ignoring and mistreating me, as if somehow, I was trying to steal the handsome husband/doc, which I wasn't! (Yuck ! too effeminate for me. :lol: ) No more details, to protect the innocent. (AND I'll tell the rest of the story later in this thread. :lol: )


Has anybody else had similar experiences? How did you handle it?

[Sarah]

Situations like this - I treat with a large dose of ignore :D.
If you're feeling generous ignore the rude behavior and start a conversation with the wife, at which point she might get to know you as a person and get a little less uptight. If you don't have the energy to deal with all the bad vibes you can ignore the couple altogether and go and have fun with someone else asap.
If you're feeling bitchy you can pretend to be completely socially inept, ignore the jelous by-play, start a nice innocent conversation with the doc and watch gleefully as the tension levels rise. :twisted: [1]

Cheers
Sarah

[1]Not that I'd ever do this. Nooo.
Not even if they were being really rude. Bad for the Karma. But I might think about it.;)

[Spitfire]

Perhaps I'm lucky, but I've never encountered this at any dance.

[MissAlyssa]

I come across this when I'm teaching couples. I always always always build a repoire with the female first!!

[Swing Kitten]

That sounds really smart MissAlyssa!

I never really had this happen... I would be highly surprised if any wife saw me as a threat. The only couple I interact with at all around the dances (that I know of) are SwinginBoo and her beau Bruce. I dance with both of them... although I dance more dances with Bruce. There have even been a couple of times when Stephanie says, 'Here, you dance with 'im!' :lol: ... she's not the jealous type! ;) and she'd have no reason to be.

[MissAlyssa]

you are really lucky to have a friend with good self esteem. my best girl friend isn't jealous of me as I'm not of her. very healthy relationship!

[Swing Kitten]

YAY for good girlfriends!!!

[pygmalion]

I come across this when I'm teaching couples. I always always always build a repoire with the female first!!

Yes. That's what I usually do, as well. Try to start a conversation with either the wife alone, or with the couple. And try to avoid dancing too many dances with any one person's husband. The last thing I want is someone thinking I'm trying to steal her man. I can get my own, thank you very much! :lol: :D

[SwinginBoo]

That sounds really smart MissAlyssa!

I never really had this happen... I would be highly surprised if any wife saw me as a threat. The only couple I interact with at all around the dances (that I know of) are SwinginBoo and her beau Bruce. I dance with both of them... although I dance more dances with Bruce. There have even been a couple of times when Stephanie says, 'Here, you dance with 'im!' :lol: ... she's not the jealous type! ;) and she'd have no reason to be.

LOL, don't you realize that it's never good to dance with him after I've said that. :lol:

No I'm not jealous. Maybe once I was. But it was almost understandable. (I think). We were at a dance and all of a sudden this gorgeous blonde waltzes over (not literally) gives him a huge long hug, and says "Oh I haven't seen you in so long! How are you? Oh wow...blah blah blah" Then she grabbed him and dances with him without him introducing her to me. Well I just felt like my blood was boiling.

Afterwards he comes back laughing, and obviously I'm not laughing. :evil: He goes "I have no idea who that was." I'm like well she seems to know you. Anyways he didn't have a clue, except that he knew the friend she was with from a few years ago in the dance scene. He assumes he gave her a quick lesson at some point in the past.

So anyhow, that's my jealousy story. OH and by the way Swing Kitten, why would you say that no wife would see you as a threat? Aren't you the type that goes about stealing men from their women? :P

[pygmalion]

Situations like this - I treat with a large dose of ignore :D.
If you're feeling generous ignore the rude behavior and start a conversation with the wife, at which point she might get to know you as a person and get a little less uptight.

A large dose of ignore. :lol: I like that.

Actually, that's what I did in my jealous wife case. I ignored them both, husband and wife, for months. A real loss, since he's a great dancer.

Then, guess what happened? She got pretty seriously ill, and when she came back to the dance studio after a couple months' absence (sp?), I was the only person in the studio who accepted her back warmly. Nobody else liked her, either. Anyway. Long story short, she and I developed a friendship of sorts. I was so glad I hadn't told her off earlier. Things turned out well in the long run. And you never know why she was so insecure to start with. Never hurts to give others the benefit of the doubt. And a large dose of ignore helps a lot of situations. :D

[MissAlyssa]

sounds like you handled that situation quite well Jenn.

[pygmalion]

Thanks, MissAlyssa.

I just did the best I could. I was so steamed at first, then just kind of resigned. When the opportunity came to make friends, I was shocked, but what the hey. An opportunity is an opportunity. Just grab it, and move on. It worked out well. Mostly good fortune. :D

[MissAlyssa]

I usually give a "dose of ignore" :wink:

[smoothdancingirl]

Ladies never show you're jealous. Trust me if he's the cheating type there is nothing you can do about it except leave. Besides if he doesn't appreciate how wonderful you are you don't need him anyway.
And ladies always make another woman ease up by asking her permission if can dance with her spouse, boyfriend, or date. It gives her the control back and helps you gain respect from her and other ladies. Introducing yourself always helps. I almost always mention the fact I'm married with children.

[pygmalion]

Yes! Jealousy is a wasted emotion. I learned that long ago. If he wants to be with you, you can't make him leave. If he wants to leave, you can't make him stay. So why worry? Go with the flow. :lol:

And yes. Giving the wife/girlfriend/significant other control does help with the unnecessary displays of jealousy. :D

[Sarah]

Also everyone - if you are bringing a non-dancing date to a dance event for the first time
Explain to them ahead of time that attractive members of the opposite sex are going to want to dance with you, these are your mates (Amr. trans. = `buddies') and you'd like to oblige.
Also explain that just because it looks sexy doesn't mean you're about to dive into bed with your current dance partner.
That you reserve every second song (or more) to dance with or just hang out with your date if they're intimidated by the dance floor.
Introduce your date to people that they might enjoy chatting or even dancing with while you're fulfilling your social obligations.
Seriously consider leaving early if they're getting too bored.


Cheers
Sarah

[pygmalion]

Hey Sarah! What time is it there? 10:00 AM? :shock:

Good point. The dancing spouse can help a lot by having a prep talk before the couple even goes to the dance. :D

[Sarah]

1PM - time for lunch. I'm multitasking ;)

Talking about this stuff is just considerate really.

Cheers
Sarah

[pygmalion]

Hey sarah! So It's 2:00 PM there? Wow! I didn't realize that parts of Australia and New Zealand had such different time zones. :oops: Dumb, because I should have known.

Either way, you're right. Telling what you know just helps the other guy get a clue! :lol: :lol: Thanks.


Jenn

[MadamSamba]

Wow, Jenn...good topic. There'd be very few women who hand't encountered this one. I remember when I started at one studio, I had to pretend I had a boyfriend in order to prevent the other women giving me the cold shoulder.
Seriously, I was the youngest single person by about two decades and all the other people my age were in couples and the women used to act quite "strange" around me for the first month.
I thought I was imagining it at first, but then it became a little too coincidental. I couldn't figure out why, though I had a feeling it was because I was single. So one week I "dropped" into conversation that I had a boyfriend who refused to come dancing and, I swear, within a few days all the women were friendly and chatty as hell with me. It was like a 360-degree about-face in their attitude.
A few weeks later I had to dump the invented boyfriend, but I was stunned at how insecure these women were...it's not like I was flirting with their beaus or even remotely interested. I was just a single female on the loose to them! It wasn't possible, in their minds, that I simply wanted to dance.

[will35]

I'll ask you guys another qustion though on the same topic. Do you or your significant others have to ask your partner's permission before dancing with someone?
-Madam Samba

Absolutely. I should certainly never consider dancing with a friend's spouse without consulting the friend first. When men ask me if they can dance with my wife, I say, "Ask her." That is just a cover, though. What I really mean to say is "Sure, thank you for asking." I know beforehand the men with whom my wife likes to dance. If they are drunk, they don't get near her.
I never ask a woman to dance who came with a man I don't know. If the woman introduces me to the new man, I'll feel free to ask her if she wants to dance. After all, I was dancing with her before they were together. It's not about insecurity, but about respect for the spouse.

[MadamSamba]

Hiya, Will35. I understand your point about respect fully, but that wasn't quite what I was getting at. :)

I'm talking about socially, when a girl (or a guy) walks up to someone and says, "would you like to do Foxtrot with me?" and he turns around and says, "Um...I'd love to, but I've got to get my girlfriend's permission first.''

A few weeks ago, I said something to one guy I regularly dance with (who is about 30 years older than me, mind you) who looked a little down and he said, "I can't smile. Then I'll look like I'm having fun and I won't be allowed to dance with you again.'' argh!

So, I wasn't necessarily talking about asking a friend, though obviously there will be times when that is relevant, but simply, socially when you walk up to someone, who may or may not be alone and they want to dance, but "must" get permission first. Even this is awkward, though. I, personally, wouldn't ask someone who was with their partner, unless I knew them both, but you can't always know who is together and, inevitably, you're going to ask someone inadvertantly who is with someone else. I think the above case is different, though, Will35.

I've actually started another post about it, Will35 http://www.dance-forums.com/viewtopic.php?t=1035.

[Sarah]

Hey sarah! So It's 2:00 PM there? Wow! I didn't realize that parts of Australia and New Zealand had such different time zones. :oops: Dumb, because I should have known.



When you consider that Australia has approximately the same width as the continential US, and that NZ is half that distance away again, it becomes less surprising. In NZ at the moment we're at +13:00 GMT. Daylight savings time you see.

Cheers
Sarah

[pygmalion]

Totally amazing how clueless I am about geography. The schools I went to made you memorize all sorts of useless facts, but when it came to anything useful, like world geography or, for that matter, anything from a world perspctive, nil. I'll have to pull out my atlas and take a look. I'm GMT - 4 at the moment. -5 in a couple weeks, when daylight savings time ends.

[dancergal]

No I'm not jealous. Maybe once I was. But it was almost understandable. (I think). We were at a dance and all of a sudden this gorgeous blonde waltzes over (not literally) gives him a huge long hug, and says "Oh I haven't seen you in so long! How are you? Oh wow...blah blah blah" Then she grabbed him and dances with him without him introducing her to me. Well I just felt like my blood was boiling.

Afterwards he comes back laughing, and obviously I'm not laughing. :evil: He goes "I have no idea who that was." I'm like well she seems to know you. Anyways he didn't have a clue, except that he knew the friend she was with from a few years ago in the dance scene. He assumes he gave her a quick lesson at some point in the past.

Ok Boo, we're having too many stories that are alike. The same thing happened to me, just change the names and that same story is mine when I first starting going out with my b/f. :lol: Same blonde, same situation, and he didn't remember her name either. How funny is that?

[Swing Kitten]

Maybe there's some crazy blonde who travels dance scenes nation wide with the sole intent on making girlfriends jealous?!! :lol:

[dancergal]

Maybe there's some crazy blonde who travels dance scenes nation wide with the sole intent on making girlfriends jealous?!! :lol:

It's true! :D And she always shows up at dance conventions and throws herself at any good looking man and pretends to know him. Then she gives the girlfriends a snotty look and drags the man out on the dance floor. But we girlfriends are really smart and we attached an invisible thread on our man, and reel it in when the dance is over and the crazy blonde is left on the dance floor alone wondering what happened!! (ok, I had too much caffiene this morning!) :D :D

[SwinginBoo]

Maybe there's some crazy blonde who travels dance scenes nation wide with the sole intent on making girlfriends jealous?!!

You really never know.

[pygmalion]

But we girlfriends are really smart and we attached an invisible thread on our man, and reel it in when the dance is over and the crazy blonde is left on the dance floor alone wondering what happened!! (ok, I had too much caffiene this morning!) :D :D

Hey. All the best boyfriends have strings attached. Strings attached, get it? :lol: Hehe! Double entendre time! :lol:

[dancergal]

This did happen a few years ago. I don't really get jealous anymore. I know my honey is devoted to me and it shows. He can dance with anyone else, or even go to a dance without me and I'm fine with it. I know he's a dancing nut just like me. A trusting relationship is one of the best! :D

[pygmalion]

Yes, sister! I've found that jealousy is a wasted emotion for me. Either the guy wants to be with me, in which case I can't make him leave, or he doesn't want to be with me, in which case, I can't make him stay.

Either way, jealousy does no good. It just undermines otherwise healthy relaionships, IMHO. *shrug*

[Swing Kitten]

Very true on all counts.