Dancers Anonymous > "Alleged" Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by Pacion, Feb 14, 2007.

  1. Pacion

    Pacion New Member

    Do not read this on a full bladder! Some of it is hilarious. Apologies for the formatting - copying and pasting, don't have time to modify just now.

    * * * * * * * *
    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    ****************************************************************************************************
    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    **************************************************************************************************
    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles , Eastbound."
    United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."



    ****************************************************************************************************

    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
    Student:"When I was number one for takeoff."

    ***************************************************************************************************

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    ****************************************************************************************************

    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"
     
  2. Pacion

    Pacion New Member

    ****************************************************************************************************

    Tower:
    "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower: "
    Continental 635, cleared f or takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

    *****************************************************************************************************

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

    **************************************************************** ************************************

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206:
    " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
    Ground:
    "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground:
    "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

    *************************************************************************************************

    While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
    "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"


    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
    "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

    "Yes, ma'am,"
    the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"
     
  3. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member


    This one was the best!!!!
     
  4. latingal

    latingal Well-Known Member

    *LOL* Pacion - those were great!

    I'll add one story about an announcement on a flight I was taking in to Denver (okay admitedly not between control and pilots - but amusing nonetheless).

    The pilot of the aircraft came on to announce to the passengers after a delay that had the plane circling for 20 or 30 minutes....

    "No ladies and gentlemen, we are not lost. This is Denver Tower's idea of Traffic Control".
     
  5. witchphd

    witchphd New Member

    A little bit of trivia for those interested. If you are flying United Airlines they usually have audio channel 9 turned on where you are tuned into communications that are actually coming from the cockpit/tower, etc.

    Among those I found reported by frequent flier on another travel board:

    Denver Center - Delta XXX: We just got knocked pretty good going over the front range. Roger that...I'll let the UA flight behind you know so they can cover their coffee cups.

    Cessna XXX - SFO approach turn right heading XXX... Roger will turn right heading XXX, is this a noise vector? Cessna XXX afirm, I hate the sound of m e t a l on m e ta l.
     
  6. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    hey, those are really good! :)
     
  7. dgcasey

    dgcasey New Member

    I like those. I also like these. Not between tower and pilots, but between pilots and their ground crews.

    ====

    PILOT GRIPE SHEET

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    Enjoy!

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last..................

    P: Noise coming from under instrument! panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget
     
  8. ACtenDance

    ACtenDance Active Member

    I love this thread :D
     
  9. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    thanks, DG... haven't laughed that hard in days. hilarious. could it be one guy who wrote all those things?

    great thread
     
  10. witchphd

    witchphd New Member

    Since Samina is having such fun ;) A few more gems brought to you by United Airlines' audio channel 9 and the frequent fliers who are listening:

    Leaving JFK on 956, we were on Ground frequency, and due to the huge backlog were kept on it until close to tower departures...

    JFK Ground: LHxxx continue taxi, follow United 956 on taxiway x
    JFK Ground: LHxxx do you copy?
    JFK Ground: What is LHxxx listening to?

    2 mins later:

    LHxxx: JFK Ground what is our status please?
    JFK Ground: Where the hell have you been damit?
    LHxxx: We were on tower, seeing what our queue number was...
    JFK Ground: Did I tell you to bug the tower? He's got enough work to do without YOU adding to his workload until I TELL YOU TO... Now FOLLOW UNITED 956...
    LHxxx: Follow United 956.
    JFK Ground: Jesus Christ that was hard.


    A little background for the infrequent fliers or those who may not have noticed... When someone wants to exit the cockpit, the flight attendant blocks the aisle with the beverage cart to make it difficult for someone to rush the cockpit. Hence, the following request....

    956 last week, mid-flight...
    Channel 9 had been working fine, etc.
    Suddenly I hear a female voice come on, "Hello?"
    Co-pilot "Can one of you come up here and block the door? (Captain's name) is (hungry/thirsty) and I really need to take a leak!"
     
  11. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    very cute. i think i like these so much because i can just hear the over-tired, over-stressed, over-burdened airlines folk releasing tension thru humour... a very human touch. sounds "real" to me, y'know?
     
  12. Spitfire

    Spitfire Well-Known Member

    Gonna send this to a very good friend of mine who I think will like it. He's a commercial pilot.
     

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