General Dance Discussion > Anyone married to or dating someone that does not like to dance?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by California, Jun 15, 2007.

  1. Warren J. Dew

    Warren J. Dew Well-Known Member

    I certainly agree prudence is needed. However, I think the risk is actually greater dating another dancer: if you break up, the other dancer will almost certainly stay around the dance scene, while a former nondancer may well dump the dancing along with the relationship.

    Of course, for those who stay on good terms with former boyfriends or girlfriends, this is a nonissue.

    Absolutely. A competent leader can just tell the woman, "relax and trust me", maybe work through a couple simple patterns if there's any difficulty, and still make her feel like Cinderella doing a few basic figures. It's not that simple the other way around.
     
  2. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Yes, that's true...gets difficult to explain to an SO that you're not available on a Fri. or Sat. night. Though it's also true that some other hobbies could involve weekend evenings - especially if the hobby requires weekend trips away, such as aforementioned skiing, or sailing, or camping, for example.
     
  3. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    that's a really good point, jenny. i've always felt that there are so many nuances that would complicate things from a dating perspective, aside even from the dancing, and i think it probably *is* trickier from a woman's perspective.

    those first dates are archetypically a time for the man to show his strengths, and to take him somewhere and plop him in a situation where he doesn't know what to do, while others are watching, and needs to receive instruction from the woman to know how to acclimate, not to mention he's likely to be watching his date in the arms of numerous men throughout the evening... that's a complex dynamic. i can imagine an excellent outcome with the right sort, but i think overall, most men are going to have some trouble with it. and that's an added pressure to put on two people simply trying to get to know each other.

    i bet it's easier from the male perspective to navigate this... introduce the woman to something he knows well, help her, show her, support her... that's a very different dynamic. archetypically speaking... not looking to get into any discussion about the roles of the sexes or anything.:rolleyes:
     
  4. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    absolutely! i have seen someone make poor choices in that regard, and then experience overwhelm & tremendous frustration when three dancers with competing active sentiment (which doesn't necessarily go away when dancers break up) all emerge on the scene at a well-attended dance event. imagine rotating round and round a large group lesson circle and hitting the various points of a triangle again & again, and feeling the emotionally loaded pull of each one. oof. i would *so* not enjoy that. don't **** where you eat. :rolleyes:

    indeed. but of course, when it comes to emotions, you're not guaranteed it *will* be a non-issue. anyway, it's sure a good starting place to discuss this as a possibility with another dancer before getting involved emotionally. not everyone has the same core values around that.

    exactly. :)
     
  5. Warren J. Dew

    Warren J. Dew Well-Known Member

    Ack! If you're on a date with a nondancer/new dancer, don't plan on dancing much, if at all, with anyone else. It's a date first, a dance only secondarily. Time enough to introduce them to dance etiquette after they've been made to feel comfortable with the actual dancing.

    Of course, that's another thing that's easier for men than for women. The men can take a newbie to a dance and just refrain from asking anyone else. The ladies will spend all evening turning people down if they want to do that.
     
  6. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Very true...then again I've been on dates where the man tries to show me how to do something and I fail (usually this involves sports), and then he still feels like a fool and gets annoyed because he didn't succeed in helping me. If I try to talk him out of planning the sport or activity with me in the first place (knowing I lack the skill), he thinks I'm boring and unadventurous. Can't win. :(
     
  7. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    I do appreciate that. I know that's what a prospective date, who has no experience with social dancing, is envisioning when he says he wants to take me dancing.

    If I did take a non-dancer to a social in my own community -- which at this point is pretty diverse and widespread -- I have well-established dance acquaintances from whom I would be receiving invites all evening. I'm not in the habit of cozying up with one person, so if I wanted to be exclusive to one dancer, I'd have to put myself in the situation of either calling attention to the fact I'm on a "date" by turning down all invites or otherwise isolating myself and behaving in an unsociable manner, according to the dance social etiquette I follow. I'm not going to do that because this is my world, my community, my reputation...these are my associations which will, hopefully, continue long after the date ends.

    Nope, if I were ever to take a date to a social, I'd throw him into the deep end straight away. He'd have to be able to find enjoyment with the scene, and be utterly non-jealous. Otherwise, well...we'd have a quick marker for lack of compatibility. ;)

    Anyway, crikey, that's a lot to put on the shoulder of some guy I'm just getting to know. So it is excised from the list of date options if he is a non-dancer. :)
     
  8. basicarita

    basicarita Member

    :confused:


    I don't get this part. I know lots of people who travel to dance. BsAs tango vacations, anyone?

    (Plus, has he not heard of off-season travel? Orbitz? Hotwire?)

    But I also agree with the other posters who say there's some reason he jsut doesn't want to listen to your perspective. It's not about the money you spend on dancing. It sounds to me like he wants to control the way you spend your money (or, as someone else said, that he wants your "joint" money to be spent on only what he wants).
     
  9. Ray Sison

    Ray Sison New Member

    This is simply not a deal-breaker for me...
     
  10. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Well-Known Member

    The last time I dated someone who did not dance at all, he seemed annoyed when I would mention it, and I do mention it a lot since it's what I love to do. He was convinced we wouldn't click because of lacking that common ground. So we didn't. I don't think it's important that a couple share all of the same hobbies but when one has a passion the other doesn't share it can leave distance.

    OTOH, sharing an intense passion for something can create an initial spark between two people who later find that's the only thing they had in common.
     
  11. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    It is quite clear you both have different "money" habits, and it is a source of major friction. Have you considered counseling? Has the situation improved since September of 2010, last year?

    "money spent on dancing" - You said you couldn't answer that. Well, dancing is a skill and you will still have that skill when the money is gone. When learning that skill you learn a lot other "non-dance" skills as well that you can apply to your non-dancing life.
     
  12. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    Well, it depends on your perspective. I see the situation as having improved in that he no longer brings it up or whines about it (aka he has been too busy having other things on his mind). lol. But i am sure you can say it has not improved because the problem has not been resolved.

    As for the "going to comps with your loved one IS travelling" theory - not really. We dont ever have enough time off to spend extra days at the location beyond the regular comp days. Also, He complains that we dont spend anytime together because i am busy getting ready, dancing, eating, then sleeping. And I dont have time for him until the end of the comp, and he gets bored. And he gets frustrated that i spend a lot of time with my pros and fellow students from my studio... i try to incorporate him, but he doesnt even pretend to be interested in talking to them. so i spend time alone with him but then i feel standoffish from everyone else. I tell him that i dont want to only talk to him and have everyone think we are antisocial... not to mention, i dont see anything wrong with enjoying other people's company together. Purely due to schedulign issues, he hasnt attended a comp with me in a year... and frankly, i prefer it that way.
     
  13. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    On the bright side, i am wondering if he is beginning to accept my dancing... for christmas he got me posters of Y&R, Arunas&Katusha, (he knew i wanted these) and told me to pick a 3rd that i liked. He also got me new smooth shoes and cute ballroom dancing magnets for my cubicle at work. :)

    I was so shocked by these gifts that I teased him that he is beginning to accept my dancing. He laughed and denied it. lol :)
     
  14. TangoRocks

    TangoRocks Member

    Hey TD, I'm glad to hear that he seems to be seeing the light, lol. Accepting each others' passions should be a big part of any relationship, and it's always good to have stuff you do for yourself in addition to things you do together with your S.O.--doesn't he have his own activities that you don't necessarily participate in?
     
  15. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    other than playing video games??? lol. no, and i have told him time and time again that i think therein lies the problem. he used to be a big soccer player, so i have encouraged him so many times to start playing again, even tried finding leagues for him myself, but he is just so demotivated with excuses "i only want outdoor leagues.... that one is too far... im too out of shape..." etc. he also seems to really enjoy organized car racing but he thinks that is too expensive.
     
  16. You're right, TD... therein may lie the problem. If he had an activity that he did (and didn't just think he was interested in doing, but didn't actually do) and was passionate about that you didn't participate in, he might be able to be more accepting of your passion for dancing.
     
  17. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Look up SCCA Solo 2, or autocross.
     
  18. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    yes, this is what he likes to do (he owns a BMW). but he says it wears his tires, etc. and he doesnt want to spend the money on an extra set. *rolls eyes*
     
  19. Wannabee

    Wannabee Well-Known Member

    TinyDancer,

    Your revious posts pretty much sum up my exact relationship with my husband. He plays video games and that is really the extent of his hobbies right now. I have encouraged him to do other things, etc. but he has no interest.

    He has gotten to a point though where he tolerates my dancing. And honestly, I think it is because he is able to see all of the non-financial benefits that it has done for me. I have lost a lot of weight, my fitness level and overall health has improved immensly, and I'm generally happier and less moody because of dancing (not that I was really unhappy or moody to begin with but I think the psycological benefits of dancing result in emotional benefits as well). He is definitely happy that I am happier and healthier and he realized that my dancing has played a major role in making that happen.

    Perhaps a lot of the things he likes about you are direct results of your dancing and could at least appreciate that aspect?
     
  20. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry darlin', your man is just a cheapskate. :D
     

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