General Dance Discussion > Anyone married to or dating someone that does not like to dance?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by California, Jun 15, 2007.

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    w/ dh and I, supporting the other person's dream no matter what, has always been primary...when dh was in law school and working full time our kids were 1 and five...he did that for four years...it was hell for everyone...but we made it happen...my dancing is a huge investment in nothing other than my happiness...and he is wonderful about it...yes, he does have quarterly panic attacks, and we do have budget talks...but, it is understood that my dancing is a non-negotiable...I would have moved with two small children had he decided to go to Harvard law...and he could have..we understand these things about each other...and about our children...I am glad tiny, that your man is coming around...it is no small thing...because everyone deserves to be with someone who supports their dreams and women need to show their children that they are entitled to dreams as well
     
    ocean-daughter likes this.
  2. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    lolol!! yes, this is true. :)
     
  3. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    thanks fasc, me too. I hope that with time he and I will figure out the compromises so that we can both continue to be very happy.
     
  4. singndance

    singndance Well-Known Member

    I am pulling for you....first husband was not understanding at all about any kind of artistic endeavor, not at all...second husband is very understanding and supportive, but still "dear, you are never going to be a professional dancer"...yes, but that's not the point, is it....difficult because it is a big investment...but thank goodness he sees how it has changed me so he is accepting.
     
  5. rbazsz

    rbazsz New Member

    I go to dance lessons but my wife refuses to go with me. I made it very clear to her that she is welcome to come to any of my lessons but so far she has declined. My case seems to the a role reversal from the usual story.
     
  6. TinyDancer109

    TinyDancer109 Well-Known Member

    hi rbazsz.

    Does this pose a problem in your relationship to you? or do you both simply have other interests?
     
  7. 3wishes

    3wishes Well-Known Member

    My DH does not dance a lick and in the early years of dating and a young marriage - it wasn't even a discussion to be had. He believe everyone was "watching" him dance and God Forbid if someone asked me to dance and I had a good time. Seriously - it was not a fun thing although I loved it. Years go by, children come, and post-pregnant - I decide I need some exercise to music. Hit the local college dance lessons, he is invited although he's not thrilled and let's me know it everyday and night, but I lose 18 pounds. Dancing in the earlier years brought us very close to divorce - on his part and I gave it up as he asked me to "wait for him until he was ready." 5 years go by, I'm miserable, I start dancing with my friends and all hell breaks loose. This time, I hold my ground, "if you want to come with me here's where I am, directions and phone number (this is pre-cell phone era and after car phones are introduced). He, needless to say, is not thrilled and the attitude is less than enthusiastic - every day and night but this time our own children tell me not to give up dancing to keep going. Ultimately, DH adjusts and out of no-where suggests couple lessons at a studio. Several more years go by, he revealed that he felt like our lives were going in two different directions with little interaction. This was confirmed by several Fire Department types whom I work with that went through the same thing - the forced stopping of dancing, threats of leaving/divorce - etc., was an attention getter to say "hey, what about me? where is the time and attention to me? instead of the dance studio and those people". Things have changed alot - it took a couple of years and some age progression and lots of discussion. As I look back - his jealously was a major factor in the early years but now, he enjoys seeing me dance and being a participant in the things that I have a passion for.
     
  8. rbazsz

    rbazsz New Member

    Yes, my dancing lessons are a potential for trouble even though we both have other interests. My wife is suspicious about my motivations for wanting to dance. I don't know if the problems will fester but I suspect they will. One thing for sure is that I'm going to continue to dance.
     
  9. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    How beautiful. What you say is what I've been hearing over and over from people who are in successful relationships - it means being a team, supporting your mutual goals but also supporting each individual's goals and dreams.

    I was at a dance and was talking to one lady who was married, and goes dancing on her own because her husband doesn't share her hobby. I asked her if husband was bothered by this. She said no, not at all...he sees how happy she is when she comes home from a night of dancing, and he wants her to be happy. :)
     
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    thank you jenny...while we have had serious rough patches, the key has always been an unconditional committment to the original promise....while dh doesn't compete and rarely has energy to dance, he will take an occasion lesson just to be able to dance wit me a handful of times a year....and I deeply appreciate it....and nearly weekly, I call him after my lessons to thank him for bankrolling them as my income only covers a small part of that....he does know that it is my happiness, which is probably the only reason that he supports it.... we do feel strongly about people following their dreams even if they don't make sense to anyone else...
     
  11. Ecclesiastes3_4

    Ecclesiastes3_4 New Member

    My ex-boyfriend had ZERO interest in dancing, at all, and I felt bad trying to convince him because it's something I came to after we started dating. It's not like he knew he was getting into a relationship with a ballroom dancer.

    One time I did get him to try some Rumba, he picked up on it very quickly. But I couldn't get him to go any further.

    Not long after that I found out he had lost all interest in me. I imagine if he hadn't been plotting the end of our relationship, he might have cared about dancing a little more.
     
  12. Ray Sison

    Ray Sison New Member

    It's never been a "deal-breaker" for me, even when it seemed like my life revolved around dance...
     
  13. BreAna

    BreAna Member

    Dating a non-dancer

    All of us ballroom dancers understand that dancing is well, just dancing! I never thought that ballroom could be a problem for someone whom I love. However, my boyfriend has a serious problem with me dancing.

    At first he was afraid that I would fall in love with someone else, but he's gotten over that fear now. Now, he thinks that ballroom is basically pornography (WHAAAAT???) He feels like me dancing with other men is equivalent to him handing me off to some other guy, like a rental product. I told him it's just dancing and it's a lot of fun. I tried telling him that on a competitive floor there IS a connection between dancers and the Latin/Rhythm dances are of course sexy, but I'm not flirting with another guy and I don't have feelings for anyone but him. His counter statement: porn isn't real. They don't REALLY have feelings for each other, but they're acting to make it look that way; and he definitely wouldn't be okay with me doing porn.

    He's the perfect guy, and this is our only problem. my options are:
    A) I stop dancing (I think I'd rather die?)
    B) we break up (I REALLY don't want that to happen)
    C) He deals with it

    So that leaves B and C. He keeps promising me that he's not going to leave me because of ballroom, but he also says that he can't handle the thought of me having a competitive partner. He doesn't have a problem with my pro (i do pro/am) bc he's basically family, and social dancing makes him uncomfortable but he can deal with it. I just feel terrible because something that I love so much is hurting him.
     
  14. kckc

    kckc Active Member

  15. BreAna

    BreAna Member

    So far, the thread you posted seems to be about someone not wanting to dance, instead of not being able to handle the girl dancing. I'll keep reading though.

    I don't want him to dance since he doesn't want to. But how am I supposed to help him deal with seeing me wrapped up in another man, even if it's just dancing?
     
  16. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    D) He starts dancing with you (foredoomed to fail)
    E) He starts dancing Salsa or argentine Tango with his own dance partner (may work)


    .
     
  17. Steve Pastor

    Steve Pastor Moderator Staff Member

    While I totally understand how someone would be jealous while watching you, or knowing that you, are dancing with someone else, (you are of course in close physical proximity and enjoying yourself); this statement...

    is rather extreme in drawing an analogy.

    I'm kind of hoping that this was just the only (or another?) way he could try to explain how he feels, and why.
    (Ya think maybe some of us guys find it hard to talk about our feelings?)
     
  18. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    BreAna,
    First off, :waves hello:

    Secondly, obviously he is not the perfect guy... for you. You are a competitive dancer, and if he cannot see that, love that, and encourage that in you... then he really isn't perfect for you. I wouldn't want to see you change for someone else, and seriously I don't see that happening anyway :)

    I spent many many years afraid to date a non-dancer because of my experiences like this. I would be very very surprised if he gets over it. It just isn't part of their understanding. And it is who he is... and asking him to change that... well can you see the double standard in that?

    It takes a special kind of heart to be a dancer. It takes an even more special kind of heart to love all of the stuff that dancers come with. And if it isn't in him, then there is someone else out there for you, that does have it in them.
     
  19. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    If he's hung up on it now to the extreme of comparing it to doing porn (not that I have any moral objection to porn actors, they're just doing a job, but...) , it's not going to change. Especially weird that he's okay with social dance, which is where you meet the gropers and pick-up artists, and that he can view your pro as 'family', but he can't deal with the idea of a competitive partner, which is in the same vein as the pro. He needs to man up and quit being so insecure or paranoid or whatever his real problem is.

    Or how about F) You find a competitive partner who's gay?
     
  20. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member


    And maybe ask this jealous boyfriend if, by his reasoning, he thinks Fred Astaire did porn? I mean, come on, his position is ridiculous.
     

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