General Dance Discussion > Anyone married to or dating someone that does not like to dance?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by California, Jun 15, 2007.

  1. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    So, is he actually saying that dancing is the same as porn, or is he attacking your argument by saying that it's equally applicable to dancing and to porn?
  2. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    It's nice when you don't have to choose. But he's putting you in a position to choose him or dancing. And that would seem to be without taking the time to try to enter your world and understand it a bit better.
    Ideal? What could possibly be less ideal than objecting to your participation in something you are passionate about?
  3. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    breana...he needs to deal with is an esteem /trust issue on his part...that you can't cater to...regardless of his otherwise virtual perfection
  4. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member


    Your perfect guy wouldn't have a problem with you dancing.
  5. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    Incidentally, I also agree with this (at least in principle; knowing only what's been said over the internet).

    However I'll also say that IMO it isn't necessarily unreasonable for non-dancers to look askance at the dancing interactions of their romantic partners. Dancing is a much more intimate activity than most people encounter on a day-to-day basis. It seems to me that there is a legitimate relationship issue there for both participants need to understand and overcome, in order for the relationship to be successful.
  6. nucat78

    nucat78 Active Member

    Sounds like he's possibly still in that high school / college / bar dweller mindset where dancing is just a way to hook up with somebody and nothing more.

    Not that hook-ups don't happen in ballroom and there can be a high level of pseudo-intimacy, but IME that is usually the farthest thing from anyone's mind. Well, except Bazz. ;):D
  7. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    I'll second this having come from my experience of a fairly conservative background, dating non-dancers etc.
  8. TangoRocks

    TangoRocks Member

    OK, I guess it's up to me to be the devil's advocate here, since everybody seems to be of the "drop him, he is not worth it" opinion :)

    For the record, I also found his "porn" analogy childish and overdramatic.

    First off, from your explanation, I wouldn't say your bf has a serious problem with your dancing, as you say in your first paragraph, since just below that you say he doesn't seem to mind you dancing socially or with your pro, however uncomfortable it might make him. My question would be, is he having a problem with you having ANY competitive partner or a SPECIFIC one? If it is a specific person, and he thinks you might have/develop feelings for him, that would be a different issue than him having a problem with you having a partner, period. If it is the other way round, well, I have a female friend who is married and has a competitive partner who is not her husband (even though the husband also dances--just not interested in competing); I think he is married as well. Maybe that is the way to go; find a partner who is already in a committed relationship?

    Of course, if he has the same reaction to even that type of partner, I will gladly switch sides and tell you to get rid of him as "not the right guy for you" as per the forum consensus ;) The reason I don't jump on that right away is I think you really like this person and apart from this issue, you have enough reasons to want to stay with him, and it is hard enough to find someone you click with, in this day and age.

    Either way, good luck with whatever you decide!

  9. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    I wasn't in the "drop him" crowd. Just making the observation that he is not the perfect guy for her. Whether she drops him or not is not anyone's decision but hers. I certainly had my fair share of imperfect relationships with non-dancers, before I tired of the battle that almost always plagues them. Eventually I couldn't even be bothered with non-dancers. And for the past 15 years have understood that my life is too wrapped up in this lifestyle to slow down for someone not in the same flow as me.

    And the relationship I am in now, indeed engaged to marry a non-dancer, was approached with complete honesty about my lifestyle. If he had shown even the slightest amount of fear or trepidation I would not have entrained the thought of him past our first date.

    So far his openness and willingness to embrace my life without limits is one of his most important traits to me. One that without, would mean the eventual demise of a happy life together. And so to me, no sense starting something that is fraught with distrust and arguments over something that is an innate part of me. A relationship filled with distrust certainly is possible, a happy relationship is improbable under those circumstances and one I am no longer willing to endure in life.

    But I am not BreAna, and I have a whole lifetime of experience to draw on to reach my conclusion. She is young and therefore has many years ahead to experiment and reach her own conclusions.
  10. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Well-Known Member

    You want someone stable and happy. Someone stable and happy won't jump to the conclusion you're having a physical or emotional affair just because you're dancing. The dancing in and of itself is not evidence of an affair. Evidence of an affair might be sneaking out to meet someone from dancing, or refusing to introduce them to someone, or exchanging numbers and not wanting to take calls in front of you, texting a lot and being secretive, any number of things.. If your significant other was offended by the way you were dancing with another person, they would need to talk to you about this, and a stable person could, rationally. If its ballroom, maybe they don't know anything about it, they don't know what closed position means, whatever. I'm assuming we're not talking latin club dances, so we won't even go there. I am also assuming you are NOT being inappropriate with dance partners. If you're not giving your SO reasons not to trust you, and he chooses not to trust you, he is being unkind and not giving you the respect you deserve. It is about him, not about you. Still his insecurity doesn't give him the right to make you feel badly.
  11. rbazsz

    rbazsz New Member

    You should probably drop this guy because this issue isn't going to go away unless you stop dancing -- and you won't be happy if you stop. As the years go on your frustration will fester.

    Have your boyfriend read my thread on ballroom to the bedroom. That should assure him that although dance is a foreplay ritual it doesn't mean that dancers necessarily do anything more than dance.
  12. freeageless

    freeageless Active Member

    Wonderwoman, I don't know about women. I am a male. Apparently, I don't know any "stable" and "happy" men, because all the men that I know would believe that their spouses or significant others were involved in some kind of hanky panky, if they were dancing continuously with some other man. I think that Larinda and Fascination are the exceptions-in that they were obviously able to find a spouse or significant other that accepted their dancing in a continuouse manner with other men.
  13. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Well-Known Member

    Just because you have observed more of the former than the latter, doesn't mean that the former is the natural or common sense way to be. I don't know what you insinuate by putting my words in quotations, but yes, stable and happy would mean content with the relationship they're in, free from insecurities that would sabotage it. Unless you observe something that suggests it, and dancing in and of itself does not suggest it.
  14. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry but you're not stable and happy with someone if you're constantly suspicious when you have no reason to be. Why be in a relationship that is not those two things?
  15. CANI

    CANI Active Member

    +1 Excellent post
  16. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Well-Known Member

    and I guess it can really apply to anything.. even as general as one person staying at home while the other person is working long hours and is not easy to contact.. say for example, they're stuck in the or for unpredictable periods of time, or have to take frequent trips.. an insecure partner will find reasons to have suspicions, regardless of what it is their partner is actually doing, if there is a lack of communication, trust, understanding. people are capable of falling in to this no matter what the profession happens to be, and regardless it will be easier to cope with dating someone who lives in a different world than you do if you are already happy and stable.

    I have also known people who refuse to date someone who doesn't understand what it is they do all day. My friend is a salsa instructor, had problems with is non-dancer exgf and now dates a dancer, she gets him. I was once dumped because the man fell in love with his lab partner. I couldn't possibly understand what he's doing when he's locked in a basement lab for days, and I can't have discussions with him on the topic he studies, and I can't work with him to solve difficult problems. They shared in those moments he couldn't possibly share with me. Dancers experience that connection. As do Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd but they're having issues right now. :p
  17. kckc

    kckc Active Member

    Interesting. All the women I know who are with non-dancers have fabulous relationships. The men have their own passions, and each partner shares in each others happiness with those passions. These are strong, independent women, the men knew it going in, and they wouldn't have it any other way. And the men have learned to dance a bit socially, just for the joy of being with their woman, not because they asked him too.
  18. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    I would assume it's not you don't know anyone stable and happy but you seem to know plenty who are rather dim, if they can't grasp the concept of a competitive dance partner being a business relationship type of deal. If it's that they can't stand them ACTING (emphasis on the ACTING part) sexy or flirtatious in a theatrical situation, we're not only talking dim but back to not entirely stable, or at the least extremely insecure.
  19. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    my spouse trusts me...even in the face of a dance attraction that I had...I told him and the party involved...becase I had no intention of acting on it...and it was a horrible experience for me...I think it is reasonable for a non-dancing significant other to have some discomfort over it...but a mature significant other will know that they cannot control their loved one...they can only trust them and hope they are right
  20. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member


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