General Dance Discussion > Anyone married to or dating someone that does not like to dance?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by California, Jun 15, 2007.

  1. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    IME, thing southern, slightly intoxicated, zipperhead marines...seems to work well in that context...which is the only place I've heard it.
     
  2. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    no wonder doesn't fit
     
  3. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think I will:cool:
     
  4. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    uh...let me also say that while everyone is welcome here we do have a sister site for non partner dancing....name of which eludes me and some more diligent mod will come along to enlighten me
     
  5. SlowDancer

    SlowDancer New Member

    I'm late joining in the discussion, but this thread really resonates with me (unfortunately). I'm married to a non-dancer who has no desire to learn, and my dancing has caused and continues to cause friction in my marriage. I think that because I was an active, accomplished, committed dancer when I met my husband, he has always seen it as something of a threat, although I've never been able to get to the root of exactly what his issue really is, but I'm about 99% sure it has to do with touching and being touched by other men. My husband is older and I think it's a generational thing.

    Without writing a long, boring book about my life, suffice it to say that I am in agreement with the posters who say if your guy is supportive of your dancing and doesn't mind you dancing with others, you are way ahead of the game. I'd be completely happy and content with that scenario.
     
  6. kittydanzer

    kittydanzer New Member

    So true! And I've seen the opposite with close friends- even family. When my parents started dancing years ago, they both got the bug big time. But to this day, my mother will cry herself to sleep sometimes over my dad dancing with other women... He'd dedicated to her like a rock, but the women see my dad as safe and pull him onto the floor all the time... They finally went to counseling, but I don't think the issue ever really got resolved. Needless to say, dad doesn't dance with as many other women as he used to...

    Crazy, but true.
     
  7. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Ah, insecurity.
     
  8. spectator

    spectator Member

    After suffering through watching my parents learn "rock and roll" and "the six beat hussle" in 1995 I can't think of anything worse than learning to dance with your partner...

    seriously, the six beat hussle, i don't know how to spell it, but it was very traumatic.

    I think if you are lucky to have a partner who does not object to you going out dancing with other people even though he himself doesn't want to learn you should embrace it and be very smug.
     
  9. SlowDancer

    SlowDancer New Member

    Yeah, really. Life is just too short for that sort of nonsense.

    Made a (possilby life-altering) decision over the weekend. When I wanna dance, I'm gonna dance. No more treading lightly around my husband, trying to explain how much dancing means to me, how much I would love his support and understanding, blahblahblah...If he doesn't lilke it, then HE can learn to deal.

    I feel better already,:)
     
  10. anp73ga31

    anp73ga31 Active Member

    Good for you! And good luck with that....hopefully he will come around.
     
  11. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    Sounds like it!


     
  12. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    wow... kudos to you... am very impressed.
     
  13. Dancebug

    Dancebug Well-Known Member

    I don’t think this kind of attitude can be good for marriage. Marriage is already a work. Everybody who has been married would know what I mean. How can saying to your spouse “I am going to do what I like, whether you like it or not, so just learn how to deal with it” be healthy? Just put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and substitute dancing with whatever he likes but you hate. Believe me. I will die if I have to stop dancing for some reason, so I understand your frustration. But I think there should be some way that you can negotiate this issue without hurting your spouse’s feeling.
     
  14. anp73ga31

    anp73ga31 Active Member

    But is him(basically) saying to her, "give up what makes you happy, give up what you are great at, just because I dont like it, I dont care to do it, and I dont want you doing it" healthy either? That's wrong of him.

    Man, if I do ever even THINK about getting married, the two of us will definitely sit down and hash out everything that means anything to us beforehand. And no matter how much we love each other, if there is something imporant to me that he admits will bother him or vice versa, we wont get married. And even if we decide DO to get married, I think I'll make him sign some sort of affidavit/pre-nup type thing, stating that he realizes how important dancing is to me and that he will never ask me to quit doing it. And that if he does, he will pay alimony to help with my dance expenses after we get divorced. (and he can feel free to have me sign the same regarding something that is important to him). I just dont understand how a person can love another person and not want the best for them, not want what makes them happy, not want them to continue doing what is a huge part of who they are, because of their own selfish reasons. That to me is not love. And if it is love, well then I want no part of it. I'll just read about you in-love/married people online, scoot myself over to the studio for lessons with a great instructor, and kiss my cat goodnight. She keeps my feet warm and I like sleeping alone anyway. :)
     
  15. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    I think it depends--can be good, so long as it's kept within reason.

    I'm biased. I basically said the same thing to my husband, but it wasn't as if he was actively against me dancing. He just wasn't interested in joining me. I let him know that it was important to me and my happiness, he had no reason to not trust me, I would give him no reason not to trust me, and he was going to have to accept it.

    What I also said was that HE still meant more to me than anything, and that if he ever had objections that I hoped he would tell them to me so we could discuss it and come to an agreement. There's just a fine line to walk between not having your life determined by your SO's desires/fears/hostilites and doing your own thing, versus doing your own thing and trampling on your SO's...er...not rights, exactly, but I can't think of the word.

    Bottom line, there's got to be give and take on both sides. And, in the poster's case, it doesn't seem like there's any giving on her DH's side. But she should, IMO, be careful to take his feelings into account where possible.
     
  16. SlowDancer

    SlowDancer New Member

    I understand where you are coming from, but of course, you don't know the "whole story" of my marriage and how I've tried to handle this over the past five years. I've been "negotiating" this issue until I'm blue in the face. I've soft-pedalled and side-stepped and walked on eggshells for way too long. And I've been much more respectful of his feelings during the entire relationship than he has ever been of mine, but that's a whole other story.

    As far as putting myself in his shoes goes, there really isn't anything he does that I "hate" so there's no way to really do that. Besides, I would never resort to guilt trips and manipulation even if he did have a hobby I hated...that just isn't me. I like to live and let live. We are both adults and it's a matter of respect and love for who the other person "is" at their core. I'm tired of enduring snide remarks and interrogations and whatever else he decides to pull out of his bag of tricks to try to keep me from dancing.

    Enough dirty laundry for one day...
     
  17. SlowDancer

    SlowDancer New Member

    You said it much more eloquently than I can right now, because this is such an emotional issue for me.

    I have been, and will continue to be, respectfull of my husband and his feelings. The difference is that from now on I'm going to start honoring my own needs as well.
     
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think many women have to learn that slow dancer...and then work hard not to swing too far in that direction...I have met so many women who have spent so much of their entire lives considering others that when you ask them what they would like they can scararcely tell you b/c they often don't know...they have never taken the time to think about it much less claim it....and it is important....as in all things it is the balance that is the trick
     
  19. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Very important. Good for you.
     
  20. SlowDancer

    SlowDancer New Member

    I think that, for the most part, I am pretty assertive (you kinda have to be in my profession). But I realize that I have been much too ready to compromise on this issue, and I've given up way too much in the name of keeping peace in the family.

    My "new" approach will probably make some waves, but I think I can handle it.

    Thanks for all the supportive comments--I really appreciate it.
     

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