Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by California, Jun 15, 2007.
"My kids?" Not "our kids?"
on any given day they can be either HIS kids, MY kids OR OUR kids. LOL
I can fully appreciate those distinctions
My ex resisted learning to dance for many years... Actually it took me about 20 years to get him to try.. We took lessons for about 2 years together but since splitting up, about the end of October, he's shown no interested in going back.. Well with me anyway.. To the best of my knowledge he's given it up...
I am still dancing, with a new teacher, and intend to dance for many many more years.. Oh btw i have a hunky Latino teacher now and i am enjoying it very much!!!
Bumping this thread due to a recent experience of mine. Recently dated someone who was quite upset that I spent some of my weekend nights at dances and therefore I was not available for dates on those nights. He was a more needy sort, and maybe that was the issue, but still I can't help but wonder if I am too unavailable.
Typically, I am at dances for two Fridays per month, one Saturday per month, and maybe one other night per month, plus my once-a-week lessons on Mondays. So, on average, my dancing takes up two nights per week. Is that enough to scare away a non-dancing prospective romantic partner? What are other peoples' experiences?
The "quantity" may not be the issue. The "quality" of the venue you visit may be. If it a bar or singles type scene, then it may be an issue. If it is a "ballroom" venue, then once he understands the difference (and that may take time) it may not be an issue.
Sorry if my post wasn't clear enough, but yes, all these activities are swing/latin/ballroom events, held at dance studios. No bar, no singles activities. I even invited this guy to one of the dances so he could see what it was like. My question was more about simply having a hobby that takes time away from being available for dating (assuming my s/o is a non-dancer who does not want to share the hobby with me). I mean, some folks might be upset that their s/o is not available for a date on a Friday or Saturday night.
Early in the relationship, many people expect to be together on weekend evenings. To generalize, I would even say most men would expect this. Not sayin' it is right or wrong, just normal. If he really wants to pursue you, accompanying you one Saturday and two Fridays, even if he does not dance, may not be asking too much. Especially if you are open to trying one of his hobbies, like watching football on TV on Sunday afternoon or the like.
I never understood this. But I suspect one of my problems with dating is in my world the only reason I can see not to have time-consuming hobbies is your job is too time-consuming. I don'nt consider watching TV a hobby (not even sports unless you have money on it), just something you do so the house isn't quiet while you're working on something else. What are you supposed to do if you're not out doing something? (I'm guessing "knit while reading DF and checking your Facebook games" isn't what people have in mind, but for me that's a lazy evening. I should have WP open, too, and be writing something. Last night I figured out I could do some floor stretches while knitting and reading at the same time, too.)
I know what you're saying...I do think some folks really just want to see their s/o a lot though, even if some of the time is just spent sitting around. I agree that not every date has to be big and exciting. Still though, I think the "comfortable", sitting-around-the-house-a-lot stage best belongs in marriage or a longtime relationship, not with someone you recently met.
jenny, I would think the problem was the neediness, not the dancing. I sort of half agree with Derek. In my dating life, early dates tended to be on traditional date nights (Fri/Sat), and as the relationship got going, I'd expect to have a date each weekend, so if I was never available on weekends, that might get in the way of starting a relationship. But if it's so early that it's still about traditional date nights, I wouldn't expect to be spending the whole weekend with him; one date per weekend would be fine. And if the relationship is going along well enough that we want to spend more time together, we can be flexible about finding that time however it works with each of our schedules.
I didn't find that my dancing scared away non-dancing prospective romantic partners, though I did end up dancing somewhat less when I was dating them, just because otherwise, pretty much all of my social life involved dancing. But if two nights a week is enough to bother him, especially if only one of those is a weekend night, it seems like he's not flexible enough to work around other life issues either.
Yes, my Saturday nights normally are free. I dance only one Sat. night per month, and would be willing to give that up if I was dating someone. So, to me, if I'm free most of the weekend, I don't see what's so bad.
If you want to spend every night with a person, you can get married or live together - and even then, I see nothing wrong with having a separate hobby or interest. If my s/o golfed a couple times a week, or some other hobby I don't share, no big deal to me.
I think your problem was he was ready for the move in together, and you weren't.
My husband and I spent our first dates roaming around WalMart. We've ALWAYS been a boring old married couple. Works for us. Thankfully work keeps us apart well enough that we still have some absence making us grow fonder. And he has yet to talk me into golf, he can have that ALL to himself.
Oh, there's nothing wrong with roaming around Wal-Mart on a date, actually that can be fun with the right person. Just saying, I don't want to spend every night of my life with someone I just met, and give up all hobbies, friends or outside interests.
I'd rather go to Wal-Mart. I'd feel like I got something done. Going out to dinner bores me (plus the hangup about having to eat in front of other people), watching a movie costs too much...going to the zoo or something would at least give me something to look at, dancing you can't talk if you're doing it well, at the track I've got bets to make...I don't know, I suppose the sitting kinds of dates just make me nervous as I hate being expected to just sit there and focus on a conversation. I can figure out more about a person from their grocery shopping anyway. Or watching TV, but then I'd need to have my laptop and knitting and stuff.
If you can't tell, I'm really not very good at the whole going out and having fun thing.
Doesn't matter...whatever is fun to you, it doesn't have to fulfill what is traditionally defined as a "fun date". As long as you find someone who shares the same outlook, that's great.
My question is not about that, though; I'm simply saying that, for me, I don't expect to see a boyfriend every night of the week, or every waking hour. I don't want/expect an s/o to fill 100 percent of my social needs, nor do I think that's even healthy to do.
Agreed. Basically my feelings on this are: If you were truly smitten, then you'd want to make time to go out with the boyfriend, and ballroom might end up taking a back seat for a while. That's normal in the honeymoon phase of dating.
But if we're talking about just going on a few dates, I don't see how having a commitment a few nights a week is any kind of issue. What if you worked or volunteered on those nights, instead of it being a "hobby"?
:shock: I totally feel the same way. Doing something which is constructive creates conversation and breaks the ice. You can also learn a lot from the other person in a way...
Cinema - too dark, also, if you do get all lovey dovey you'll end up welded to your new found lovers lips because of all the sugar they cram into popcorn. IMAX selected theatres might blow your ears off so you can't understand what the heck you are both talking about.
Restaurant - over-salted meals means you buy more drinks, no footsie as they cram far too many tables together. Specialist menu's which may have you ordering something bizarre/random e.g. tail of squirrel coated in mustard sauce.
Bowling - Last time I did this on a date it did work but I ended up slipping down the bowling lane. Wonderful!
Swimming - No, it'll end up like an episode of Flipper.
Jenny, same feeling here. It's nice to do your own thing instead of being stuck together every hour that god sends. As long as there is trust between yourselves then distance makes the heart grow fonder as they say. Sigh....
I think I'd snap if I had to spend every waking moment with someone. And if two nights a week apart were too much, "needy" is the correct word. Or "codependent." Or really insecure.
Jenny, from what you said in another thread, I gather this guy was a widower who seemed to be looking for someone he immediately could join at the hip (perhaps as a way to cope with/avoid grief). He's just not good relationship material at this time.
Anyone who wants to be involved with someone who has no other life is looking for someone to be dependent/co-dependent on. If that's not what you want, having a life will screen those guys out right away, as it did in this case.
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