Swing Discussion Boards > Asking Someone Else's Dance Partner to Dance...

Discussion in 'Swing Discussion Boards' started by juwest333, Mar 8, 2013.

  1. juwest333

    juwest333 Active Member

    If you see a couple dancing only with each other throughtout the entire night, is it rude to ask one of them to dance?

    Every now and again when I go social dancing, some of the most amazing follows that I have ever seen appear to be dancing with that same lead throughout the evening (could possibly be a boyfriend or husband?). I've rarely seen anyone approach either of them to ask for a dance, so I don't know if that means that all those who have attempted have been rejected, or if everyone has simply been afraid to ask.

    If I were to ask this follow to dance right in front of her partner, would this be considered rude? And if it's not rude, then how should I ask? If I ask the lead if I could dance with his partner, wouldn't that appear as is if I'm saying that the woman can't speak for herself? But if I just go and ask her directly, wouldn't that make me look arrogant as if I'm acting like her partner doesn't even exist?

    Has anyone else had experience with this?
  2. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Darn it! There's an old thread which is a perfect fit for this question, IIRC also in the swing forum, but for the life me I can't remember the name of the thread or of the guy who posted the question.

    Synopsis: The thread ended up being a debate about his contention that dance venues were legitimate dates for him and his steady GF therefore other dancers should butt out versus the view of many regular DFers that dance venues are places for dancing by serious dancers and that anyone should feel okay to ask anyone. Or at least I think that was the upshot of the conversation. Hm. I'll try to find it, because some really good points were made on both sides. It wasn't a long conversation by current DF standards, but it was a good one.

    My current view is that, while it's not rude to ask, it's probably prudent to at least acknowledge the guy she's dancing exclusively with, so that they both know it's about dancing, not about stealing somebody else's steady gal. ;) I've done this before and it can be no big deal. "Since you guys are sitting this one out, do you mind if I borrow your husband for this samba?" Most of the time, the couple will say yes. Almost 100% of the time, I'll get a feel for whether they're really cool with my bogarding the husband/BF/partner, and I'll know whether it's okay for me to ask occasionally, judiciously in the future.
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Okay. This is not the thread I was thinking about, but it is an interesting discussion about possible issues raised by rotating partners in group classes. I'll keep looking for that other thread. IIRC, it was several years ago, so I may never find it. That was back when threads were allowed to get much farther off topic than they are now, so the thread title may or may not have had anything to do with the discussion. But I'll look. :cool:

  4. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I looked through a bunch more threads and didn't find it. If I have some more time later today, I'll take a look. :)
  5. Steve Pastor

    Steve Pastor Moderator Staff Member

    The are (still) places where people respect the fact that a couple is a couple...
    maybe this place is one of them.

    If the "follow" hasn't positioned herself near the dance floor / on the outside of a booth (where she can easily be approached and isn't "guarded" by her partner), and/or isn't scanning the room to see who might be available to dance with her, there is no indication that she wants to dance with anyone else.
  6. jwn57030

    jwn57030 New Member

    I have done this a couple of times. Once was someone I already knew and danced with in classes so it was not a big deal. The other was someone I had never danced with before and she was standing up by the dance floor looking like she wanted to dance with someone. I did see her their with someone the whole night, but it didn't end up being a problem. He had probably went to the bathroom and when we were done she went back to spending time with him.

    As Steve said I think the biggest thing is making sure she has positioned herself on the floor and is signalling she wants to be asked to dance. Secondly make sure you don't hit on her. I have also found that if pay attention you can see couples where the guy doesn't really know how to dance or doesn't really want to be there. That's a situation where the guy seems to not mind since he doesn't want to dance anyways. I don't know how nice I can say this. He gets to sit there while all the other guys do the work but he gets to go home with her at the end of the night:) .
  7. juwest333

    juwest333 Active Member

    Hahaha. I know what you mean mean, jwn57030. Believe it or not, I never hit on women on the social dance floor though. It is just a no-no for me. The last dancer I ever dated, we had already danced together maybe 8 or 9 separate nights and I just happened to ask her while we were walking back to the parking lot together.

    Steve, maybe you're right. Unless she is actually just standing there with or without her partner and watching the dance floor, then I won't approach them.
  8. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    at a ballroom social people ask the mrs and i to dance they usually ask the "other person" can i borrow your husband/wife??
    pygmalion likes this.
  9. juwest333

    juwest333 Active Member

    Just wanted to update this and let you know that I tried this very line last Friday with this same couple and she said yes! (I believe the husband was even relieved to take a break.) What followed was one of the most amazing dances I had that evening. Thanks for your help!
  10. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    de nada:cool:
  11. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Member

    If by 'social dancing' you mean studio event, open dancing after the lesson or some other tightly controlled, highly 'civilized' environment, no problem.
    At a club....you better be bigger than the BF/HB/FWB/EWB/FB/FE/whatever and have more friends there than he does. And a clear path to your car.
  12. jwn57030

    jwn57030 New Member

    I'm not sure what swing dancing is like where you live, but fortunately where I am it seems all the places I go swing dancing are very social and it is usually just fine to politely ask someone who is married to dance. I guess I really haven't seen any swing dancing in what I would consider a full club environment. The place I normally go is not a dance studio, its a dance floor above a restaurant, has a live band, serves food and alcohol, but they do have lessons before the dance and do advertise it as a social dance.

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