Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by pygmalion, Jul 18, 2004.
foursquare... too funny! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
A loud AMEN from this Owl on all the above!!!
The timing of some of these threads amazes me! :lol:
My "stalker" was back in action last night. And I could not have been more rude to him, (He was asking repeatedly for a quickstep and I kept telling him no giving him 3 different excuses, then a lead I love to dance with came over and asked me and I just about leapt into his arms!)yet it still didnt deter him in the slightest.
I eventually gave in to one dance, a jive and he nearly pulled my arm out of it socket. Still sore today.
I should really get tough..but its hard to be so mean.
Tell him next time he overleads, you will rip his arm off and beat him about the head with it, leaving nothing but a bloody stump where a neck should be.
Then purposely impale his foot with your heel, kick him in the shins ansd then walk off the dance floor.
Hooked on phonics worked for me.
Watching from the sidelines, the whining, won't-take-no-for-an-answer insistence of some guys can sound really, really immature. Unfortunately, as long as it continues to work on occasion there's little incentive for them to give it up.
Ditto what Chris said...you've got to cut him off completely. He won't listen to reason apparently, but you can tell him he hurts you too much when you dance with him and you don't want to dance with him anymore. You've got to be strong and refuse, no matter what.
i'm pretty sure that if you'd told the studio owners what was going on like we suggested previously, this guy would be gone. so i think i speak for a lot of us when i say that i'm curious to hear why you haven't taken that step yet, because this guy has now physically harmed you.
Which has just taught him that whining long enough gets rewarded.
He'll persist longer next time. Guaranteed.
Your situation seems very dangerous to me at this point.
It is very important for you to explain what is happening to the owners of the dance studio. They need to step in and keep him from their premises, particularly if he has been warned by you and them yet continues his current behavior patterns. Someone may need to report him to a more public authority other then the owners if he does not heed the final warning.
No matter what, you really need to stop dancing with this ... I can't find a polite name for him. And you need to be prepared in case he acts in an even more dangerous manner then what he already has been doing. I hope you carry a cell phone and use it if he puts you in an untendable situation.
Please, take the action that is needed before serious harm is done to you.
I'd seriously consider not going back to that dance or that studio. Tell your studio owners that you would like to get your money back and you'd tell all the people you know about what happened to you. Maybe they'd listen to you then.
Actually, if they were in America, they still wouldn't care unless you sued them.
Don't give him excuses -- tell him straight that you don't want to dance with him because he is unpleasant to dance with. Don't give in. It's hard to be mean for sure, but considering the way he's been behaving, you really need to be tough. And please, please tell the studio owners what's going on.
i doubt that any cell phone carries enough mass to make it a sufficiently formidable weapon which is what i fear that shy dancer may need the way things seem to be going.
this scenario is beginning to remind me of an old ethnic joke: an immigrant starts a new job, keeps to himself & says very little. but at lunchtime, his coworkers notice that the new guy looks in his lunch bag, pulls out a sandwich, looks at it, sighs and says "peanuts-a-butter. i HATE peanuts-a-butter" before eating the sandwich. this goes on for a couple of weeks before one of his coworkers finally works up the nerve to ask the guy: "why don't you ask your wife to make you something else?" the guy says: "no wife. i make own lunch!"
I hope you arent insinuating that I encourage his behaviour or enjoy it in a twisted way.
I can see where you are coming from, but the thing that makes it very difficult is that he has a minor disability, I dont want it to appear that this is the reason I dont want to dance with him.
He is always telling everyone who will listen how hard done by he is because of his arm (its bent but he still uses it) and how no one will dance with him because of it. He lives alone and is very lonely...you know the usual sob story.
I let him get away with it for so long because I felt sorry for him and all of his stories.
I dont see any point telling the owners, there is not much they can do, after all I have already told him to his face that all the attention is unwanted.
I find it very hard to be upfront and mean to people, espescially when they start laying guilt trips on me.
I also dont want to cause any uneasiness at the studio because its one of the states top studios and I really love everyone else there.
Most of them know the situation and they "rescue" me as much as they can. I dont want to make it so Im uncomfortable going there.
I can relate. I was raised to be "nice" at any and all cost. Only bad girls set limits with people (according to how I was raised.) So I can understand how stressful dealing with the guy might be for you, and how making waves at the studio is likely the furthest thing from your mind.
I won't give you any advice. You've had plenty already, and now it's up to you to decide how you want to proceed. I will tell you a short story, though.
Several years ago, I signed up for a work-related training course called "Assertive Communication for Women." As I've hinted in this post and others, I was raised to be very passive and never set limits with people, and even though I've had a lot of communication training and experience, I still struggle with finding an assertive balance to this day.
Anyway, as part of the assertiveness training course, the participants were given make-believe scenarios in which people violated their rights and were asked to write assertive "scripts" on how to respond to the "violation." I happened to be seated at the table with two ladies who were assertiveness personified. No limit-setting problems there. And the three of us couldn't agree on a script. They kept writing scripts that seemed overly agressive, even mean and nasty to me. And they kept calling me wimpy. We finally got the facilitator to mediate. Her answer? There are many acceptable approaches to solving these sorts of problems. The only right answer is the answer that works for you.
My take on your situation? Find a solution that works for you and makes you comfortable. You don't have to confront this guy, if you don't want to. That doesn't imply in any way that you're enjoying his attentions or that you've avoiding a challenge. It means that you're asserting your right to decide how to handle it. It's your choice. What makes you more uncomfortable, allowing things to continue as they are or having a conversation with your harasser or the studio's management? Do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. Your DF friends can only make suggestions -- you get to make the decision, bearing in mind that there's no one healthy way to handle it.
(Oh yeah, and one more thing. If you decide to confront your harasser, it may take a while for him to get the point, since you've put up with him for so long. Be persistent, if that's the path you choose.)
Okay, the best piece of advice that I know when it comes to dealing with a conflict or dilemma in your life (such as an abusive significant other/spouse/boss/dance teacher ) boils down to three choices:
1) Accept it
You can accept the situation and keep trying to play the bathroom game with this person who is hurting you or causing you undue stress.
2) Change it
Tell the person you to take it easy when it comes to dancing with you, or develop self-defensive mechanisms for your own safety. Or flat-out tell him you hate dancing with him because he hurts you. (Drop the bomb.)
Find another place to dance. Even if this studio is the best in the world, if you don't feel comfortable going there, you shouldn't.
Pygmalion is right: there is no right answer, but there is a right answer that works best for you.
Thank you pygmalion
I was also raised to be non-confrontational. Even though I can be quite loud at times its never in an agressive manner.
The only way I can see myself getting out of this comfortably is to refuse every dance and no longer talk to him in a friendly manner. I will say what is absolutely necessary if he comes over but I am just going to walk away from him, even if it means I have to get up and leave the room.
He will eventually have to get the hint.
Just a little side thought here: Ladies, if you are at an event with friends, a regular partner, or your SO, and there is someone you don't want to dance with - tell us so we can run interference! Sometimes you do such a good job of "trying to be nice" that we think you actually WANT to dance with the person who is bothering you - so we politely stay out of the way so as not to monopolize your time.
I don't like dancers who dance with me for the first time and then ask me to dance a few more times along the evening. It's ok to dance two or three dances straight but when she comes back and asks for a dance every half an hour I feel that dancing is not what she wants. Of course, if dancing with her is not enough for me either then it's OK
I think that's a good way to for you to deal with it. Be strong!
I have a friend who was engaged to this guy. They were together for four years, and he was a major a**. He cheated on her and all kinds of stuff. Finally, she got fed up and left. He harrassed her constantly to get back together. Calling her, emailing her, bugging her at the gym where she worked. Unfortunately, from time to time she would give in and sleep with him, which just encouraged him, long after she stopped sleeping with him all together and refused to talk to him. This behavior went on for about three years, during which time he was dating and then married and then divorced someone else. He just wouldn't leave her alone. She finally had to change her cell phone number that she'd had for years. Now he doesn't know how to get a hold of her except by email, and he seems to have finally given up. If she had just been strong from the beginning and refused to talk to him, he might have given up sooner.
Separate names with a comma.