General Dance Discussion > Dancers you avoid

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by pygmalion, Jul 18, 2004.

  1. tsb

    tsb Well-Known Member

    in best case scenario, possibly. in reality, not so likely. it's like trying to dance salsa with somebody in open posiion who has spaghetti arms and keeps dancing cumbia - and doesn't want to change. granted, i do think that shy dancer is in a position to be able to say: 'john': "i don't want to dance with you not because of your arm, but because you yanked on so hard on my arm the last dance we danced that my shoulder STILL hurts." but i don't think john is currently able to process that message.

    i have a friend who is in a similar situation and being held emotional hostage because he can't bring himself to confont this person publicly. and we all suffer because of it. this person shows up at a weekly open pickup competitive volleyball game. (this is a game unofficially organized by people who go to the church that she intends & everyone is welcome.) she's less than 5' tall, & is generally so timid in her play that balls in her zone generally hit the ground unless they're within immediate reach. but then she'll complain if we poach in her territory. her habit of standing underneath the net (yes, her head doesn't even reach the bottom of the net) and sliding over to the side my friend joins prompted us to start arbitrarily choosing sides - and purposely splitting to the two up - generally guaranteeing that my friend's side would win. a few of us run interference when we go to dinner afterwards by purposely sitting on both sides of my friend - which hasn't stopped this person from requesting that people trade seats with her for some trivial reason that always results in her moving closer to my friend. and conversation at dinner becomes strained.

    she's been confronted privately & she's even acknowledged her patterns of behavior but she counters by saying that he's "mean" for wanting to keep her at a distance. my friend believes that this behavior would cease were he to confront this person publicly. i would love to see my friend do so & i personally believe it would be a sign of growth on his part for him. but i support his decision not to do so - he's aware of a very unhappy upbringing as well as a current unpalatable living situation for this person & he hesitates to do anything that might give her cause to interpret as total rejection.

    maybe the studio could rig a contest where 'john' would win first prize which would be a puppy & a lifetime supply of kibble...
  2. tsb

    tsb Well-Known Member

    oh man. i need to type faster.
  3. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    Lol ... but I forgive you tsb! :)
  4. Chris Stratton

    Chris Stratton New Member

    Hmm... church event. Don't churches tend to employ a general advisor on difficult situations whose job function includes helping members of the congregation figure out how to deal with challenges like this - or at the very least taking an interest in preserving harmony within the congregation?
  5. tsb

    tsb Well-Known Member

    not all, but in fact this church does. unfortunately, schooling doesn't necessarily ensure preparation for dealing with reality. & this guy was not very helpful in this instance, partly because the counselor in question had some problems believing the behavior as it was described. (for example, one day i happened to be standing next to her, her head popped up and she said "_____'s coming." about 30 seconds later his car came into view. he had been about at least 1/4 mile away down the street, car not visible because of trees in the park. spooky! another time my friend couldn't find his keys & she immediately said "they're in your bag." and they were.) and when my friend signed up for a short term mission to brazil this summer & she suddenly signed up, allegedly the counselor basically just smiled and said 'oh well.' (happy ending, the trip was postponed, he could reschedule but she couldn't.)
  6. Chris Stratton

    Chris Stratton New Member

    Interesting - most clergy I've run into have been very in-touch people who spent a lot of time involved in their churches' community and social events, which I would think would lead to a lot of first-hand observation of how members of the congregation are actually getting along. But since I wouldn't have run into them if they weren't out rubbing shoulders like this, perhaps these were not a representative sample.
  7. blue

    blue New Member

    Of course the man could be dangerous. I'd say he is most probably not, still there is reason to be careful of course.

    You've had enough of advice already, that is true. I think this angle has not been covered so far, though. As the disability in no direct way has anything to do with his actions, I'd say the way to respect a disabled person is to act towards them like to anyone else. Forget about that arm, it has nothing to do with it. It is not a good excuse for accepting stuff you would never accept from someone else. By cutting him extra slack because of a minor disability, you are actually disrespecting him confusing him with his handicap. I'm all for this setting limits stuff. As long as you do not tell him how you feel about him following you around, you can actually not count on him to understand it.
  8. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    I completely agree here.

    1. Feeling safe is important.
    2. To add to what has been said this guy should not prevent you from doing what you enjoy. Leaving and running away are not solutions but just excuses.
  9. ShyDancer

    ShyDancer New Member

    The reason I didnt let on that he has a disability is because it is totally irrelevant, It has no bearing on the situation at all, all it does is open up the floodgates for pity and sympathy...all of which are wearing very thin with his demanding and overbearing attitude. Its the constand following me around that is the problem.
    I dont even know why he wants to bond so much with someone less than half his age, its not like we have anything but dancing in common anyway.

    Tonight I commented to my teacher that he is making me uncomfortable by watching my classes and waiting outside for me, he didnt seem too suprised by it actually, but he promised to keep an eye on the situation.
    I figured telling my teacher would be a better option for me than going straight to the owners, at least if it continues I have something to back me up if my teacher has been witness to his behaviour.
  10. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you did something. 8)

    Chris' suggestion yesterday that you get friends to walk with you to the car is also a good one. Even if your bad guy doesn't stop waiting for you right away, having friends around will help provide you some insulation/protection from his behavior.

    Good luck. :)
  11. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Shydancer!! :shock: As a lady, unfortunately, you come across gents that make you uncomfortable. While "John's" behavior has nothing to do with his disability, knowing about it helps everyone understand how he is taking advantage of this to manipulate people, and suggest how not to let that happen.
  12. Twilight_Elena

    Twilight_Elena Well-Known Member

    :lol: You're amazing. Truly! Those are my items too!
    There's one particular guy who hits on me and my friend. I would just ignore it if he was any good at dancing, but he's horrible! WHat I absolutely hate is guys that are horrible leads and still act cocky, like they know so much. Spot on, DancingMommy!
    last Saturday, I happened to dance with leads that knew more moves than tiny old me does. Usually, I manage to pull them off by some good leading (I'm in the middle of my 3rd steps, and I can even pull of 7th's, or so says my instructor), but they weren't all that good at leading, so I blew it completely. Now, that wouldn't be all that bad if they didn't look at me like it was my fault! I mean, didn't they see me dance? I'm a beginner follow! I know only the basic in rock n' roll (swing) and one guy still insisted on pulling 5th steps on me, without any lead at all!
    What can a girl do? *sigh*
    (Not to mention that some guy tried to tell me I was holding him the wrong way. He said I should put my left hand on his shoulder and not behind the shoulder, i.e. above the shoulderblade. All my teachers have the same hold, and he - godawful lead, btw - tried to show me they were wrong!)
    Now don't get me wrong, guys out there. I have nothing against beginner leads or bad leads. It's just that when you're not a good lead yet, you: 1)don't have to dance with beginner follows, 2)can't expect the beginners to be as smoothly following your lead as the instructors, 3)shouldn't be cocky, for Pete's sake! I danced with a guy once who was an average lead, and he didn't act conceited. He did his best, asked me if I knew this or that step POLITELY, and didn't make me look like a fool if I didn't know it. Comments on that, everyone?

    Twilight Elena

    P.s. Stalkers! My oh my, it makes me feel very afraid of going home alone with my friend after practice parties (it's after midnight, and the streets are sort of dark.)

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