Dancers Anonymous > "Disrespectful" touches?

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by Pacion, May 10, 2004.

  1. Pacion

    Pacion New Member

    When I was growing up, my parents always said that if a guy were to playfully smack you on your bum, he was being "disrespectful".

    I think it applied if he was friend/boyfriend, but no longer applied if you were married :wink:

    Last weekend, a male acquaintance did this to me and I was :shock: he also moved away too quickly for me to say anything. The thing that was frustrating though is that he has done it in the past and I managed to tell him at that time, I did not "appreciate" it. Although I didn't elaborate further, personally, it also suggests a familiarity which is not there. He is a dancer and younger than I am :roll: :lol: so it maybe that I am mentally throwing him daggers for no real reason. :oops: He is a total flirt also so I don't think it is anything "personal" but it is a "custom" that I have been brought up with and I do feel like throttling him/anyone that does that "without the appropriate licence" :oops: :lol:

    Short of resorting to some of the tips in the "Sweet Revenge" thread, especially NeoDevins "Handbook" :lol: , any thoughts/suggestions?
  2. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    It is one thing to be a flirt and another to repeatedly do something that bothers you. My advice since he makes his attack and flits away is to corner the guy, take him off by himself, make sure that he knows you are serious and then tell him that you don't like being touched that way and not to do it ever again. Make sure you bring up the fact that you said once it bothered you, and he repeated the offense, and ask him what didn't he get about you saying not to do it again. That should settle it. I he is contrite and you feel sorry for the guy you can always soften teh blow afterwards by saying that you know he didn't mean anything by it, that you know he is a harmless flirt...blah blah blah. But say that does not mean you will tolerate, 1., 2., 3.....from him.
  3. Pacion

    Pacion New Member

    Thanks Sagitta. I know, I might have to do something like that and will have to practice talking to my pillow about it. I don't see him very often so will have to prime myself to make him realise that I am serious when I say that I don't appreciate it :?
  4. Flat Shoes

    Flat Shoes New Member

    Once uppon a time I used to do this with a friend of mine. One day she told me to stop, and I did. She got a new boyfriend about that time, so I think it was related.

    Since then, I've never done it to anyone who I wasn't in a relationship with. Cause these days you'll never know who won't like it, but aren't able to tell you so, but instead will walk around spreading bad vibes about you or even file a sexual harrasment complaint against you.

    I think it's sad, it's such an innocent thing to do. Just a little physcial playfulness. And it should be so easy to just say 'stop' for those who don't like it. But unfortunately there are a lot of women who are just waiting to make a big deal out of something like this.

    Personally I'd prefer a little less uptight interaction between men and women in general. And here dancing enters. The closeness between men and women who are not in a relatonship, but sharing a dance, is a closeness that would many places not be accepted at all of the dancefloor. But since it's part of the dance, it's common and there's and accepted excuse for the behaviour.

    Dancing has to with sexuality, man and woman playing together. But it doesn't have to be about sex, we can play together but that doesn't mean we're going to have sex together. It's not expected.

    What I'm missing is for the society to allow a little bit more playfullness in other social situations too. Not that I smack bottoms when dancing (not normally anyway), cause it's not a part of the dance. But a friendly smack on the bottom in other environment comes very natural to me. While some dance moves would be inapropriate in that setting. It's about sexuality and apreciation of the other person, but it's not about having sex. Just like dance, but in another setting. And I miss that.

    Btw, so there's no misunderstandings. I respect your right to say no, if you don't like it. This post is about having the opportunity to test limits and getting a simple no, instead of being labeled a male chauvinistic pig.
  5. Genesius Redux

    Genesius Redux New Member

    Well, sweetie--

    Apparently you have a butt that's cute enough to get smacked, so there's something. Because the protocol is generally only to do that to absolutely the cutest butts.

    Now, I'm not a butt-smacker in general. But I will on occasion do a kind of playful smack--usually with someone I know very well, and fully expecting a mock tirade in response. But we're a bit freer with that sort of thing in the states, and especially among actors.

    So at the risk of having my head handed to me on a platter, I'd say so long as he doesn't make a habit of it maybe just take it for a compliment and shrug it off?
  6. Pacion

    Pacion New Member

    :lol: GR. Don't worry, the platter will be made out of the finest silver :wink:

    Thanks Flat Shoes. I am very playful. Incredibly so too! The thing is though, as I said, growing up, I was told (make that drummed into my head) that a smack on the bum was disrespectful/over familiar, period.

    In dancing, I will playfully touch the guy almost anywhere my hands can touch. :D But, there are certain areas/zones on his body (and similarly mine), in my opinion, that are "off limits". I will go "back to back", "hip to hip", "bum to bum" but that hand on bum, hmmmm. I do think that this guy is being harmless but it is also a familiarity from acquaintances that I am unaccustomed to. :oops:

    It is interesting how society/cultures have evolved.
  7. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I'm with flat shoes on this one. For me, personally, a hand on the bum is a no-no, unless the person knows me (in the Biblical sense LOL :oops: :lol: .) But you have to tell him. Set the limit, then he becomes the bad guy if he doesn't respect it.
  8. Pacion

    Pacion New Member

    I have told him Pygamlion, except that we see each other roughly every 2-3 months? So he could always "claim" to forget? :roll: I know though, I will have to get the fangs out if/when it happens again :twisted:
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Just say the word, and I'll come beat him up for you! :shock: :lol: Never underestimate the power of a woman with some TaeKwonDo and Krav Maga under her belt. :wink: :lol:
  10. Pacion

    Pacion New Member

    :shock: Okay. Umm, what ever you do, please promise you won't hurt him! He is a sweety, even if he can't control where his hands go sometimes :? :lol:

    I know that other women would "love it" but, as the sign says in some shops here "No handling of the fruit unless you intend to buy" :wink:
  11. tsb

    tsb Well-Known Member

    unfortunately, i seem to come across plenty of women who have boundary issues (according to one study one women in four has been sexually abused) and CAN'T speak up for themselves so my perspective is influenced by that. so i have very little sympathy for guys who don't respect limits. (and i acknowledge having said that, i don't think these women have much business pursuing partnered dancing under uncontrolled conditions (assuming that they haven't begun to identify & deal with these issues - which can result from experiences other than sexual abuse - there are other ways to violate boundaries from a position of power or authority).

    i agree with sagitta, with the following improvement - start pinching his ear with your fingernails - and 'forget' when he complains. i'll bet he gets the point quickly - and you aren't affecting his ability to dance.
  12. danceguy

    danceguy New Member

    Pacion - Hmm, I think telling your friend that you sincerely dislike his incessant bun smacking would be the best. I've always had very large personal boundaries and I let people know up front if they've crossed them. I know some people think that this kind of hanky-panky is all in good fun, but if you don't set this guy straight he'll just keep on doing it. :?

    Pygmalion, I didn't know you studied Krav Maga! However, in this case I think some good ol' Chin Na (Chinese Grappling) or Aikido would be perfect!

    One thing I used to do with fanny smackers is catch their hand and then apply a quick joint lock or a put some pain into one of their pressure points (just ask Sara how to do this!). Then just gently force them to the ground and I'm quite sure they will not try to touch your buns anytime soon! :D :p

  13. Bob

    Bob New Member

    If I tell someone that what they are doing offends me, it will hurt their feelings. I don't mean I would ever scream at or belittle someone, but a very serious "don't do that again" can be quite cutting.

    If they honestly don't want to offend you they will be very careful about not doing whatever you told them not to do. If they "forget" a stern warning, the warning may need to get a little more harsh.

    For instance "no, I will not dance with you. I told you to stop grabbing my butt and you continue to do it. Get within three feet of me and I will pluck your eyeball from its socket "

    (ok, so the kill bill approach may be farther than you want to go :? )
  14. Pacion

    Pacion New Member

    :lol: Bob I have thought about "rugby tackling" him the next time but thought it might just be a bit excessive. But, a great excuse to go and do rugby training (which I have never done before, but running with guys in shorts has to have it's down side) :wink:
  15. squirrel

    squirrel New Member

    I have very mixed ideas about 'disrespectful touches'... if I like the guy, I allow him to be quite 'disrespectful', as compared to guys I don't like...

    So I think that at least for me it all comes down to 'being attracted' by the guy... or being close friends with him :)

    Otherwise... I make it very clear they should stay away...

    So if you dislike it, just tell him... and don't wait until he does it again! Just go to him immediately the first time he says 'Hi' and tell him what you think...
  16. Bob

    Bob New Member

    hah! I don't know if that drives the right behavior!

    I tell ya what, if we ever meet in person and you promise to rugby tackle me (but leave my eyes and other body parts intact), then I promise to repeatedly grab your butt!

    :shock: :D
  17. MacMoto

    MacMoto Active Member

    :!: :shock: SG, can I just mention in passing that this sounds like something totally different in UK English...? :oops:
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yup. The good old cultural divide. Funny. That phrase sounds kind of old fashioned and quaint in American English. Hmm. :? I assume the same is not true in UK English? (Don't give details, please. Not if they're adult-only material. I'll take your word for it. LOL)
  19. Bob

    Bob New Member

    At Ford we have to call the books "Workshop Manuals" because it is perfectly acceptable to use the term "Service Manual" in American English, but you really don't want to use that term in England

  20. tj

    tj New Member

    So *that* explains the scrum on the dancefloor last Saturday! :wink:

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