Dancers Anonymous > "Don't Marry Career Women"? LOL

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by africana, Aug 23, 2006.

  1. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I was disappointed with her rebuttal, too, but for totally different reasons. I was disappointed because, by rebutting his ... arguments (for want of a better word) she allowed him to frame the debate. Classic mistake. lol.

    DP? I didn't know you had kids. Wow. The things you learn every day. :cool:

    (You sound like a career man, to me. *ominous music* :lol: )
  2. I was happily raised by a career mom (which wasn't very common 40 yrs ago) who single handidly raised 3 kids (physically and finacially) until remarrying about 10 yrs later. All I have to say, is thank God for her or we would have been on the streets. Now we spend more time on the beach!
  3. tanya_the_dancer

    tanya_the_dancer Well-Known Member

    I would not be happy if I had to put my career on hold. I think for a programmer, with all the technological advances going on, it would be next to impossible to get back into it after taking a break for a few years, so I would probably have to choose a different field after the kids, and I have put quite a lot of effort to get where I am professionally, even though I do not love programming as much as dancing, nowhere near. Maybe it is easier to put a career on hold in a field which is not as fast-paced as technology, I don't know. Not to mention that I would not have money to spend on dancing if I did not work.
  4. AzureDreamer

    AzureDreamer New Member

    I think "programmer" is probably among the easiest jobs to put on hold for a while. Its more like a tradeskill like an electrician, or like teaching, than other more "career" oriented type jobs where its more "empire building" or "personal contacts". You don't really have a "career progression" in programming.

    Just to digress, was interviewing programmers the other day. One of the questions we always ask is the typical, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" ... there are a lot of really wrong answers and only one right one: "still programming"

    Its also really easy to get superb experience while not "working". Sourcforge projects, contributing to opensource software, doing volunteer development for a charity or non-profit.
  5. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member


    By the way, you quoted me as having written her stuff and my "twist, twist, twist" reply at the same time and it makes it look like I wrote her lines, too. Could you edit your post to reflect that?

    If not, I'll ask another moderator to take care of it for us who has jurisdiction in this area.
  6. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    Depends on the meaning of having kids and being a "career man". ;)

    Regarding the kids, the SO has three that I interact with, and it feels like having my own, and perhaps it comes out as if they are when I write.
  7. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Sorry. I couldn't resist being silly. :oops:

    I did like your spin on the discussion, though. :cool:

    And I'm really glad. It sounds like your relationship with the SO's kids is a very nice one in the making. :) :cool:
  8. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    No problem.

    Well, the situation with the SO's kids is tricky.

    It's the classic issue with none of them understandably liking their parent's divorce, and although they are somewhat accepting of it, each is at different degrees then the others. Also, none of them are thrilled with mom and dad dating other people. I mostly see this with me because obviously this is where I see the most interaction, since their father and his SO are so far away.

    Anyway, they don't like it when I step in if they are being overly disrespectful to their mother, and although she does a decent job of handling them, there comes a point when neither of us needs to tolerate it towards her, nor for that matter towards me. Unfortunately they seem to think because I'm not their father that I shouldn't be interfering when they act overly disrespectful to their mother or me, but I wouldn't do anything different if they really were my kids. So it feels in a way like they are, and even from the standpoint of the loving actions that I send their way, like buying gifts, helping them with school, doing things with them on the weekends, and frankly, doing some of the stuff they aren't doing with their father.

    So it can be fun, yet tricky at the same time.
  9. tanya_the_dancer

    tanya_the_dancer Well-Known Member

    I guess it depends what you specialize in. My area is financial modelling, and I doubt there are many opportunities for writing software for financial models outside finance industry. Anyways, I would never voluntarily agree to stop working to be just a housewife, even temporarily. Maybe at a gunpoint ;)
  10. Beautiful avatar, btw.
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    kudos to you DP, gentle but firm love and accountability is valuable from wherever it comes...even though rarely appreciated in the teaches a rational sort of caring that kids, especially kids of divorced parents can really use...I didn't see that sort of discipline/love in a mentor untile I was nearly 30 and even then it made a HUGE difference in who I became after was for the study...your sig line says it all..."balance is key"
  12. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Why just a housewife? The choices are complex and very difficult, for many women. So why is any one choice better than another? Honest to Pete, I've been in conversations where people (women, usually) demeaned other women who were "just housewives." And then, OTOH, been in other conversations where work-at-home Moms demeaned "self-absorbed career women." (I deliberately choose not to use the term stay-at-home, btw. It makes it sound like the women who are at home are sitting around, eating bon bons. Most of them aren't, IMO. )

    Both choices seem valid, to me, as do other choices, like sequencing, job-sharing, part time work, working virtual office, choosing to be childless. It's a matter of personal choice and personal freedom, IMO. Why can't we all just get along? lol.
  13. Exactly. What's right for one couple doesn't necessarily make it right for another.
  14. delamusica

    delamusica Active Member

    I have two friends who got married a couple of years ago. She's still in school, and they have no plans for children in the immediate future.

    Their long-term plan, however, is for her to graduate from law school and go work as a lawyer, and for him to stay home with the (future) kids. And it's just so . . . them.

    I think it's a little interesting that this scenario hasn't come up at all in this thread (unless I've missed it?), but almost all other combinations of both parents working full time, both part time, child swapping and whatever else.

    I wonder if there's any chance that this arrangement will become more common in the future as stereotypes are broken down and gender roles become more flexible?
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I was JUST a housewife for about 9 years...they were the most hellish lonely frightening demanding years of my life which really wasn't my life at all...I don't regret it but I would never diminish what it meant to my kids and my husband...nor do I diminish what I am doing now...for everything there is a season
  16. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Not picking on you, t the d. Not at all.

    But it really isn't an easy decision at all, particularly for women with children. Sometimes it boils down to simple economics. Just for example, imagine that a woman is working for, say, $50K a year, has a professional spouse and has two young children.

    By the time you account for their joint tax bracket (30-something percent,) child care expenses for young children (sometimes as much as $200/week for infants,) food and clothing and other work-related expenses for the woman ... she might be working for a net income of very little. When you add in long hours, the high probability that she'll still be the primary care-giver for children when she's at home, the guilt she may feel for being out of the home ...

    Really. It's not surprising that a lot of women choose to downshift (yes, I know about the book and the controversy) for a while, when their children are young.

    It's a pretty logical trade-off, if you look at it in economic terms.

    OTOH, there are people for whom not working is not a choice. Me, for example. :lol: After a period of unemployment, I went to a career counselor who tested me for all sorts of things. One of the things she tested me for was the relative value I place on work -- not the type of work, the act of work itself. The counselor was shocked that I was able to survive unemployment at all. That's how high I scored on the scale of valuing work. Working is wired into my psyche. I can't be happy without it.

    I'll always, always, always be a career woman. It's just that I can see the value in other choices, as well. :cool:
  17. tanya_the_dancer

    tanya_the_dancer Well-Known Member

    When I got my first job (I got married when I was a grad student), my starting salary was almost at break-even point. I could either work or not work, that probably made a $200 difference in the monthly budget. However, in a long run, after two job changes and some raises, the choice to work was not only the right one, because I'd be miserable as a stay-at-home mom, it was also more profitable one.
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Exactly. I'd be (and have been) absolutely miserable at home, however briefly. I'm just not wired that way. It's not all about the pay check.

    Besides, regardless of the net family income, I'm a firm believer that women need to have control of some money of their own. Evens things up, power-wise. And you know what Billie said. God bless the child. :wink: :lol:
  19. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yup. :cool: Take a look at the book, "The Price of Motherhood," sometime. Eye-opening, to say the least.

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